The So-called Human Race Part 31

As a variation of the story about the merchant who couldn't keep a certain article because so many people asked for it, we submit the following: A lady entered the rural drugstore which we patronize and said, "Mr. Blank, I want a bath spray." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Jones," sezze, "but the bath spray is sold."

_IN A DEPARTMENT STORE._

_Customer--"I want to look at some tunics."_

_Irish Floorwalker--"We don't carry musical instruments."_

That Tennessee congressman who was arrested charged with operating an automobile while pifflicated, would reply that when he voted for prohibition he was representing his const.i.tuents, not his private thirst. Have we not, many times, in the good old days in Vermont, seen representatives rise with difficulty from their seats to cast their vote for prohibition? One can be pretty drunk and still be able to articulate "Ay."

A new drug, Dihydroxyphenylethylmethylamine, sounds as if all it needed was a raisin.

The Gluck aria, which Mme. Homer has made famous, was effectively cited by the critic Hanslick to show that in vocal music the subject is determined only by the words. He wrote:

"At a time when thousands (among whom there were men like Jean Jacques Rousseau) were moved to tears by the air from 'Orpheus'--

'J'ai perdu mon Eurydice, Rien n'egale mon malheur,'

Boye, a contemporary of Gluck, observed that precisely the same melody would accord equally well, if not better, with words conveying exactly the reverse, thus--

'J'ai trouve mon Eurydice, Rien n'egale mon bonheur.'

"We, for our part, are not of the opinion that in this case the composer is quite free from blame, inasmuch as music most a.s.suredly possesses accents which more truly express a feeling of profound sorrow.

If however, from among innumerable instances, we selected the one quoted, we have done so because, in the first place, it affects the composer who is credited with the greatest dramatic accuracy; and, secondly, because several generations hailed this very melody as most correctly rendering the supreme grief which the words express."

Arthur Shattuck sued for appreciation in Fond du Lac the other evening, playing, according to the Reporter, "a plaintiff melody with great tenderness." The jury returned a verdict in his favor without leaving their seats.

Reports of famine in China have recalled a remark about its excessive population. If the Chinese people were to file one by one past a given point the procession would never come to an end. Before the last man of those living to-day had gone by another generation would have grown up.

"Say it with handkerchiefs," advertises a merchant in Goshen, Ind. That is, if the idea you wish to convey is that you have a cold in your head.

THE SOIL OF KANSAS.

[From the Kansas Farmer.]

Formed by the polyps of a shallow, summer sea; fixed by the subtile chemistry of the air, and comminuted by the aeolian geology of the Great Plains, the soil of Kansas has been one of man's richest possessions.

Why prose? The soil of Kansas, the Creator's masterpiece, invites to song. Frinstance--

Formed by the polyps of a summer sea, Fixed by the subtile chemistry of air, Ground by aeolian geology, The soil of Kansas is beyond compare!

THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

Sir: An old stage hand at the Eau Claire opry house was talking. "No, sir, you don't see the actors to-day like we used to. Why, when Booth and Barrett played here you could hear them breathe way up in the fly gallery."

E. C. M.

"WHAT THE LA h.e.l.lE!"

[From the Kankakee Republican.]

He helped tramp the old Hindenburg line, but this time, beating it on the strains of "Allons enfant de la Patrie le Jour de Gloire est de Triomphe et Arrivee!"

Here is a characteristic bit of Vermontese that we picked up. A native was besought to saw some wood, but he declined. The owner of the wood offered double price for the sawing, and still the native declined. He was pressed for a reason, and this was it: "d.a.m.ned if I'll humor a man."

"It is not moral. It is immoral," declared an editorial colleague; and a reader is reminded of Lex Iconles, the old Greek baker of Grammer's Gap, Ark., who used to display in his window the enticing sign: "Doughnuts.

Different and yet not the same."

The mind of man is subject to many strange delusions, and one of these is that the stock market has a bottom.

The manufacturer of a certain automobile advertises that his vehicle "will hold five ordinary people." And, as a matter of fact, it usually does.

The Westminster Gazette headlines "The Intolerable Dullness of Country Life in Ireland." And Irene wonders what they would call excitement.

An advertis.e.m.e.nt of dolls mentions, superfluously, that "some may not last the day." One does not expect them to.