Jonathan and His Continent Part 31

Jonathan measures everything by his own gigantic ell.

His notions are like the continent he inhabits: vast, almost boundless.

He has done such wonders, that he feels equal to doing anything and everything.

The result is that America is the home of all forms of eccentricities, of all forms of daring. To the Americans themselves, this daring, these eccentricities are the most natural things in the world, and that is what makes their charm.

Jonathan considers that everything is to be had, it is but a question of will and of money. How much? So much--Done.

Parisians remember very well the American millionaire who, on the occasion of his daughter's marriage, wrote to the _Conseil Munic.i.p.al_ to ask for the loan of the Arc de Triomphe, which he was anxious to decorate in honour of the wedding, and have the special use of during the day.

He was politely informed that the Arch was not _to let_.

"Then I will buy it," he replied; "name your price."

The offer was a royal one, and the American, I doubt not, thought the Town Council mad to let slip such a chance of doing business.

Jonathan would ask the Queen to lend him Windsor Castle for the season, if the fancy took him.

A Bostonian once conceived the idea of entertaining his friends with the performance of an oratorio. His drawing-room being much too small to hold the party he wished to invite, he thought of hiring a concert-room or a theatre for the night.

"But, no," he said to himself, "an oratorio would be much more impressive in a sacred edifice."

And he set about hiring the cathedral of the place.

Such things as these make us smile, and we say, "Those Americans are crazy." Certainly they are a little bit _touched_.

In America, the most preposterous ideas find partisans--and subscribers.

Thus, I saw in one of the most widely read American newspapers the announcement of a company recently founded, with a capital of 500,000 dollars, called:

"Matrimonial Infidelity Insurance Company."

The prospectus of this enterprise states its object and advantages with categorical clearness. Each sufferer, upon presenting proof, is to receive from the company a cheque as a sort of court-plaster to patch up his lacerated feelings. I would not advise you to put a penny in the concern. I have no confidence in the dividends of an enterprise which might some day have to pay a fabulous sum to a Mormon, whose twenty or thirty wives had taken it into their heads to desert in a batch.

The "Consoler" would be a good name for this company of insurance against the risks of marriage.

I also note the existence of a _Harmony a.s.sociation_, the object of which is to examine men and women about to marry, and to give them Mr.

Punch's advice, or to stamp the men warranted to wear and the women warranted to wash. No more frauds possible. Perhaps the a.s.sociation may presently undertake to furnish the certificate of the decease of the future mother-in-law.

As a specimen of small and harmless eccentricities, I extract the following from an American paper:

"Mrs. Margaret R., of New York, had her leg amputated the other day, and insisted upon its having Christian burial in her family lot in Calvary Cemetery. A death certificate was made out by the doctor, setting forth that the leg had died of amputation at the Chambers Street Hospital, November 29th, 1887; that it was fifty years old, married, and part mother of a family. The leg was buried with all due ceremony."

The thing being quite natural, the newspaper makes no comment upon it.

It only supplies it with a good heading, something like _A Leg gone to Heaven in advance of its Owner_.

A certain Mr. Ambrose R., of Pittsburg, evidently intending to be a defaulter at the Last Judgment, has drawn up a will giving these directions for the disposal of his remains:

"I direct that my body be taken to St. Michael's Church, and, after the proper religious services are performed, that it be given in charge of my family, who will convey it to Samson's Crematory, and there have it burned to ashes, the ashes to be put in a small bottle and given in charge of the German Consul in Pittsburg. This gentleman will then forward my ashes to the Consul in New York, who will give them in charge of the captain of the German steamer _Elba_, who will place them securely in his s.h.i.+p for the ocean voyage. When at mid-ocean, I direct the captain to request one of the crew to ascend to the top of the topmost mast with my ashes in his hand, and, after p.r.o.nouncing a last benediction, to extract the cork from the bottle and cast its contents to the four winds of heaven. I direct also, while this ceremony is being performed, that it be witnessed by all the pa.s.sengers on board. After the _Elba_ has completed her trip and returned again to New York, I want a full statement of my death and the scattering of my ashes in mid-ocean published in the Pittsburg papers, so that my friends in this city shall know my burial-place."

This reminds me of Chateaubriand's ocean burial, but the sprinkling adds a touch of humour of which poor Chateaubriand was wholly dest.i.tute.

CHAPTER x.x.xV.

_Advertis.e.m.e.nts.--Marvellous Puffs.--Ill.u.s.trated Ditto.--A Yankee on the Look-out for a Living.--"Her Heart and a Cottage."--A Circus Proprietor and the President of the United States.--Irresistible Offers of Marriage.--A Journalist of all Work.--Wanted, a Frenchwoman, Young, Pretty, and Cheerful.--Nerve-calming Syrup.--Doctors on the Road.--An Advocate Recommends Himself to Light-fingered Gentlemen.--Mr.

Phineas Barnum, the King of Showmen.--Nothing is Sacred in the Eyes of Phineas, the Modern Phoenix.--My Manager regrets not being able to Engage Mr. Gladstone and Lord Randolph Churchill for Platform Work in the United States._

The Americans of to-day are so _blase_ on the matter of advertis.e.m.e.nts, that it is difficult to attract their attention without getting up extravagant baits for their eyes.

To announce your wares as superior to all that have been yet before the public; to publish testimonial letters from all the worthy folk who have been cured by your drug; to merely describe yourself as honest and industrious, when seeking a situation,--the day for all this is past.

After the ordinary, it became necessary to adopt the extraordinary, and, in these times, it is as much as the marvellous can do to produce any effect.

The most effective bait is the ill.u.s.trated advertis.e.m.e.nt. Here, for instance, is the "Capilline," which makes the hair and whiskers grow as if by magic. You have to be so careful in handling the stuff, that if a drop were to fall, say, on your nose, a tuft of hair would immediately grow thereon. On the left, you see a poor fellow, bald, whiskerless, and wan. A young lady is turning her back on him with a look of disgust. The ill.u.s.tration is ent.i.tled, "Before using Capilline--Refused." On the right, you see a superb male beauty, adorned with a luxuriant growth of hair and beard. The same young lady reposes her head on his shoulder, and raises her rapturous eyes to his. Underneath are the words, "After using Capilline--Accepted." But the most marvellous part of it is, that the "Capilline" has changed the cut of the man's coat. First he was dressed in a lank, threadbare, shapeless sack; after having used the magic elixir, he has bloomed into the pink of tailoring perfection.

I culled the following advertis.e.m.e.nt from one of the New York papers:

"AS COLLECTOR OR SALESMAN.--Slim, sleek, slender, sharp, shrewd, sensible, sarcastic Yank, seeks a situation in some store,[17] hotel or office, as collector or salesman; has highest references, and push and cheek of an army mule: can sell goods or collect bills with any man on the continent of North America (Buck's County, Penn., included)."

[17] Mark the attractive buzzing of all these s's.

The next specimen is an idyll. It is ent.i.tled, _Her Heart and a Cottage_. "For hours she was lost in ecstasy, gazing into her lover's eyes. 'How beautiful you are,' she said, 'and how happy you look!

Darling, say that it is I who am the cause of your happiness.' The handsome young man tenderly kissed the lips of his dear one. 'Yes,' he said, 'it is because you love me that I am so happy, but I owe my look of resplendent health to Dr. Benson's syrup.'"

A Chicago draper thus advertises his annual sale:

"Sell or Perish--Pay or Die--I must get rid of my stock this week."

On a hairdresser's shop, I read:

"Tonsorial Palace--Professor Rogers has your hair cut under his own supervision. How is it cut?--_As You Like It_ (Shakespeare)."

President Cleveland, wis.h.i.+ng one day to see a certain circus performance, sent to retain a box. The circus proprietor immediately hired, and sent about the streets of the town, a small army of sandwich men, carrying an advertis.e.m.e.nt worded as follows: "The President of the United States, with his young and beautiful wife, will honour the circus with their presence this evening."

There was such a demand for seats, that numbers of people were refused; but Mr. and Mrs. Cleveland, having heard that their names had served as an advertis.e.m.e.nt, did not appear.