Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent Part 44

"'Ah, Tom,' replied Solomon with a smile, 'alway's facetious--always fond of a harmless and edifying jest.'

"'My name, sir,' added he, 'is M'Slime; I have the honor to be Law Agent to the Castle c.u.mber property, and occasionally to transact business with our friend M'Clutchy.'

"Here the waiter entered with a gla.s.s and tumbler, and Phil desired them to shove me up the decanter. This, however, I declined, as not being yet sufficiently accustomed to whiskey punch to be able to drink it without indisposition. I begged, however, to be allowed to subst.i.tute a little cold sherry and water in its stead.

"'I'm afeard, sir,' observed another strong-looking man, 'that you are likely to prove a cool Orangeman on our hands. I never saw the man that s.h.i.+ed his tumbler good for much.'

"'Sir,' said Solomon, 'you need not feel surprised at the tone of voice and familiarity in which these persons address you or me. They are, so to speak, st.u.r.dy and independent men, who, to the natural boldness of their character, add on such occasions as this, something of the equality and license that are necessarily to be found in an Orange Lodge. I am myself here, I trust, on different and higher principles.

Indeed it is from a purely religious motive that I come, as well as to give them the benefit of a frail, but not, I would hope, altogether unedifying example. Their language makes me often feel now much I stand in need of grace, and how good it is sometimes for me to be tempted within my strength. I also drink punch here, lest by declining it I might get into too strong a feeling of pride, in probably possessing greater gifts; and I need not say, sir, that a watchful Christian will be slow to miss any opportunity of keeping himself humble. It is, then, for this purpose that I sometimes, when among these men, make myself even as one of them, and humble myself, always with an eye to edification even to the fourth or fifth cup.'

"'But I trust, sir, that these Christian descents from your vantage ground are generally rewarded.'

"'Without boasting, I trust I may say so. These little sacrifices of mine are not without their own appropriate compensations. Indeed, it is seldom that such stretches of duty on the right side, and for the improvement of others, are made altogether in vain. For instance, after the humility--if I can call it so--of the third cup, I am rewarded with an easy uprising of the spiritual man--a greater sense of inward freedom--an elevation of the soul--a benign beat.i.tude of spirit, that diffuses a calm, serene happiness through my whole being.'

"'That, sir, must be delightful.'

"'It is delightful, but it is what these men--carnal I do not wish to call them lest I fall--it is, however, what these men--or, indeed, any merely carnal man, cannot feel. This, however, I feel to be a communication made to me, that in this thing I should not for the time stop; and I feel that I am not free to pa.s.s the fourth or fifth cup, knowing as how greater freedom and additional privileges will be granted.'

"'Are the stages marked, sir, between the fourth and fifth tumblers?'

"'Cups, my friend--there is a beauty, sir, in the economy of this that is not to be concealed. For instance, the line between the third and fourth cups is much better marked, and no doubt for wiser purposes, than is that between the fourth and fifth. At the fourth my spirit is filled with strong devotional tendencies--and it is given to me to address the Lodge with something like unctional effect; but at the fifth this ecstatic spirit rises still higher, and a.s.sumes the form of praise, and psalms, spiritual songs, and political anthems. In this whole a.s.sembly, I am sorry to say, that there is but one other humble individual who, if I may so speak, is similarly gifted, and goes along with me, _pari pa.s.su_, as they say, step by step, and cup by cup, until we reach the highest order, which is praise. But, indeed, to persons so gifted in their liquor, drinking is decidedly a religious exercise. That person is the little fellow to the right of the red-faced man up yonder, the little fellow I mean, who is pale in the face and wants an eye. His name is Bob Spaight; he is grand cobbler, by appointment, to the Lodge, and attends all the Popish executions in the province, from principle; for he is, between you and me, a Christian man of high privileges. As for our little touches of _melodia sacra_ during the fifth cup, the only drawback is, that no matter what the measure of the psalm be, whether long or short, Bob is sure to sing it either to the tune of _Croppies lie Down_, or the _Boyne Water_, they being the only two he can manage; a circ.u.mstance which forces us, however otherwise united, to part company in the melody, unless when moved by compa.s.sion for poor Bob, I occasionally join him in _Croppies lie Down_ or the other tune, for the purpose of sustaining him as a Christian and Orangeman.'

"At this time it was with something like effort that he or I could hear each other as we spoke, and, by the way, it was quite evident that little Solomon was very nearly in all his glory, from the very slight liquefaction of language which, might be observed in his conversation.

"It occurred to me now, that as Solomon's heart was a little bit open, and as the tide of conversation flowed both loud and tumultuous, it was a very good opportunity of getting out of him a tolerably fair account of the persons by whom we were surrounded. I accordingly asked him the name and occupation of several whom I had observed as the most striking individuals present.

"'That large man with the red face,' said I, 'beside your pious and musical friend Spaight--who is he?'

"'He is an Orange butcher, sir, who would think very little of giving a knock on the head to any Protestant who won't deal with him. His landlord's tenants are about half Catholics and half Protestants, and as he makes it a point to leave them his custom in about equal degrees, this fellow--who, between you and me--is right in the principle, if he would only carry it out a little more quietly--makes it a standing grievance every lodge night. And, by and by, you will hear them abuse each other like pickpockets for the same reason. There is a grim-looking fellow, with the great fists, a blacksmith, who is at deadly enmity with that light firm-looking man--touching the shoeing of M'Clutchy's cavalry. Val, who knows a thing or two, if I may so speak, keeps them one off and the other on so admirably, that he contrives to get his own horses shod and all his other iron work done, free, _gratis_, for nothing between them. This is the truth, brother Weasel: in fact my dear brother Weasel, it is the truth. There are few here who are not moved by some personal hope or expectation from something or from somebody. Down there near the door are a set of fellows--whisper in your ear--about as great scoundrels as you could meet with; insolent, fierce, furious men, with bad pa.s.sions and no principles, whose chief delight is to get drunk--to kick up party feuds in fairs and markets, and who have, in fact, a natural love for strife. But all are not so. There are many respectable men here who, though a little touched, as is only natural after all, by a little cacoethes of self-interest, yet, never suffer it to interfere with the steadiness and propriety of their conduct, or the love of peace and good will. It is these men, who, in truth, sustain the character of the Orange-Inst.i.tution. These are the men of independence and education who repress--as far as they can--the turbulence and outrage of the others. But harken! now they begin.'

"At this moment the din in the room was excessive. Phil had now begun to feel the influence of liquor, as was evident from the frequent thumpings which the table received at his hand--the awful knitting of his eyebrows, as he commanded silence--and the multiplicity of 'd--n my honors,' which interlarded his conversation.

"'Silence, I say,' he shouted; 'd--n my honor if I'll bear this. Here's Mr. Weasel--eh--Evil, or Devil; d--n my honor, I forget--who has come ov--over all the way--(All the way from Galloway, is that it?--go on)--all the way from England, to get a good sample of Protestantism to bring home with him to distribute among his father's tenantry. Now if he can't find that among ourselves to-night, where the devil would, or could, or ought he to go look for it?'

"'Hurra--bravo--hear brother Captain Phil.'

"'Yes, gentlemen,' continued Phil, rising up; 'yes, Mr.

Civil--Evil--Devil; d--n my honor, I must be on it now--I am bold to say that we are--are--a set of--'

"'Hurra--hurra--we are, brother Captain Phil'

"'And, gentlemen, not only that, but true blues. (Three cheers for the Castle c.u.mber True Blue.) And what's a true blue, gentlemen? I ask you zealously--I ask you as a gentleman--I ask you as a man--I ask you determinedly, as one that will do or die, if it comes to that'--(here there was a thump on the table at every word)--I ask you as an officer of the Castle c.u.mber Cavalry--and, gentlemen, let any man that hears me--that hears me, I say--because, gentlemen, I ask upon independent principles, as the Deputy-Master of this Lodge, gentlemen--(cheers, hurra, hurra)--and the question is an important one--one of the greatest and most extraordinary comprehension, so to speak; because, gentlemen, it involves--this great question does--it involves the welfare of his majesty, gentlemen, and of the great and good King William, gentlemen, who freed us from Pope and Popery, gentlemen, and wooden shoes, gentlemen--'

"'But not from wooden spoons, gentlemen,' in a disguised voice from the lower end of the table.

"'Eh?--certainly not--certainly not--I thank my worthy brother for the hint. No, gentlemen, we unfortunately have wooden spoons up to the present day; but, gentlemen, if we work well together--if we be in earnest--if we draw the blade and throw away the scabbard, like our brothers, the glorious heroes of Scullabogue--there is as little doubt, gentlemen, as that the sun this moment--the moon, gentlemen; I beg pardon--s.h.i.+nes this moment, that we will yet banish wooden spoons, as the great and good King William did Popery, bra.s.s money, and wooden shoes. Gentlemen, you will excuse me for this warmth; but I am not ashamed of it--it is the warmth, gentlemen, that keeps us cool in the moment--the glorious, pious and immortal moment of danger and true loyalty, and attachment to our Church, which we all love and practise on const.i.tutional principles. I trust, gentlemen, you will excuse me for this historical account of my feelings--they are the principles, gentlemen, of a gentleman--of a man--of an officer of the Castle c.u.mber Cavalry--and lastly of him who has the honor--the glorious, pious, and immortal honor, I may say, to hold the honorable situation of Deputy-Master of this honorable Lodge. Gentlemen, I propose our charter toast, with nine times nine--the glorious, pious, and immortal memory.

Take the time, gentlemen, from me--hip, hip, hurra.'

"'Brother M'Clutchy,' said a solemn-looking man, dressed in black, 'you are a little out of order--or if not out of order, you have, with great respect, travelled beyond the usages of the Lodge. In the first place--of course you will pardon me--I speak with great respect--but, in the first place, you have proposed the charter toast, before that of the King, Protestant Ascendancy, Church and State; and besides, have proposed it with nine times nine, though it is always drunk in solemn silence.'

"'In all truth and piety, I deny that,' replied little Bob Spaight.

'When I was in Lodge Eleventeen, eleven-teen--no, seventeen, ay, seventeen--we always, undher G.o.d, drank it with cheers. Some of them danced--but othes I won't name them, that were more graciously gifted, chorused it with that blessed air of '_Croppies lie Down_,' and sometimes with the precious psalm of the '_Boyne Water_.'

"'I'm obliged to Mr. Hintwell for his observations, for I'm sure they were well meant; but, gentlemen, with every respect for his--his greater and more tractable qualifications, I must say, that I acted from zeal, from zeal--zeal, gentlemen, what's an Orangeman without zeal? I'll tell you what he is--an Orangeman without zeal is a shadow without a light, a smoke without a fire,' or a Papist without treason. That's what he's like, and now, having answered him, I think I may sit down.'

"Phil, however, whose first night of office it happened to be, as Chairman of the Lodge, had still sense enough about him to go on with the toasts in their proper order. He accordingly commenced with the King, Protestant Ascendancy, the Gates of Bandon, with several other toasts peculiar to the time and place. At length he rose and said:--

"'Gentlemen, are you charged--fill high, gentlemen, for, though it's a low toast, we'll gloriously rise and drink it--are you all charged?'

"'All charged, hurra, captain!'

"'Here, gentlemen, another of our charter toast--The pope in the pillory, the pillory in h.e.l.l, and the devils pelting him with priests!

Gentlemen, I cannot let that--that beautiful toast pa.s.s without--out adding a few words to it. Gentlemen it presents a glorious sight, a glorious, pious, and immortal memory of the great and good--ha, beg pardon, gentlemen--a glorious, pious, and immortal sight--think of the pillory, gentlemen, isn't that in itself a glorious and pious sight? And think of the pope, gentlemen; isn't the pope also a glorious and pious sight?'

"'With all truth and piety, and undher G.o.d, I deny that,' said Bob Spaight.

"'And so do I,' said a second.

"'And I,' added a third.

"'What d.a.m.ned Popish doctrine is this?' said several others.

"'Brother Phil, be good enough to recollect yourself,' said Solomon, 'we feel, that as a Protestant and Orangeman, you are not doctrinally correct now; be steady, or rather steadfast--fast in the faith.'

"Phil, however, looked oracles, his whole face and person were literally being expanded, as it were, with the consciousness of some immediate triumph.

"'Gentlemen,' he proceeded, 'have a little patience--I say the pope is a glorious and pious sight--'

"'Undher G.o.d--'

"'Silence Bob.'

"'But I mean when he's in the pillory--ek; d--n my honor, I have you all there! ha, ha, ha!'

"'Hurra, hurra, three cheers more for the captain!'

"'Gentlemen,' he proceeded, 'please to fill again--I give you now the Castle c.u.mber press, the _True Blue and Equivocal_, with the healths of Messrs. Yellowboy and Cantwell.'

"'Hurra! Messrs. Yallowboy and Cant-well! hurra, Mr. Yellow, Mr.

Yellow.'

"Mr. Yellowboy, who had not been able to come earlier, in consequence of the morrow being publis.h.i.+ng day with him, now rose. He was a tall, thin, bony-looking person, who might very well have taken his name from his complexion.

"'Mr. Chairman, gentlemen, and brothers--I rise with great and powerful diffidence to speak, to express myself, and to utter my sentiments before this most respectable, and, what is more, truly loyal auditory--hem. In returning thanks, gentlemen, for the Castle c.u.mber True Blue (cheers), I am sure I am not actuated by any motive but that staunch and loyal one which stimulates us all--hem. The True Blue, gentlemen, is conducted--has been conducted--and shall be conducted to all eternity--should I continue to be so long at the head of it--so long I say, gentlemen'--here the speaker's eye began to roll--and he slapped the table with vehemence--'I shall, if at the head of it so long, conduct it to all eternity upon the self-same, identical, underivating principles that have identified me with it for the last six months.

What's Pruddestantism, gentlemen, without a bold, straightforward press to take care of its pruvileges and interests? It's nothing, gentlemen.'

"'Undher G.o.d, sir, and with all piety and perseverance I deny--'