Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent Part 23

"Why, sir, it means a woman who carries--"

"Sam, hold; if it be a.s.sociated with human frailty, it is best left unspoken. The woman, however, be she what she may--and I know not what she is--but that she is a responsible being--a partaker of our common nature, and is ent.i.tled to our sympathy. She is, I understand, in some difficulty, out of which, it seems, professional advice may help to take her. I expect her, therefore, about this time; and will you, Samuel, just stand at that window, and when you see her approach the house, do just, quietly, and without noise, open the hall door. Something has occurred to discompose the Christian tone which usually prevails in our household; and poor Susanna is going. But, at all events, Sam, you are aware, it is said, that we ought not to let our left hand know what our right hand doeth."

"I know the text, sir, well; it ends with--'and he that giveth in secret, will reward thee openly.'"

"He--hem--ahem! yes it does so end; heigho! I feel, Sam, slightly depressed in spirit, as it were, and moved, as if somewhat of my usual support were withdrawn from me."

"Here she is, sir," said Sam.

"Very well, Sam; please to let her in as quietly as may be, and then take this declaration to the back office, and copy it as soon as you can--it is of importance. We should always endeavor to render services to our fellow creatures."

In the mean time, Sam very softly opened the hall door, and the next moment Poll entered.

Solomon, as usual, was certainly seated at his office, and held his features composed and serious to a degree; still, in spite of everything he could do, there was an expression half of embarra.s.sment, and half of the very slightest perceptible tendency to a waggish simile, we can scarcely call it--but, whatever it might be, there it certainly was, betraying to Poll, in spite of all his efforts, that there was still the least tincture imaginable of human frailty a.s.sociated with such a vast ma.s.s of sanct.i.ty.

Polly, when she entered, took a seat, and loosening the strings of her bonnet, raised it a little, and without uttering a word sat silently looking in M'Slime's face, with a very comic and significant expression on her own.

"No, Polly," said he, with a serious smile, "no, you are mistaken indeed--frail we all are, I grant you; but in this case am acting for another. No, no, Polly--I trust those days of vanity are gone."

"Well, then, what else am I to do? I sent the reports abroad about M'Loughlin and Harman's being about to break; and of M'Loughlin I'll soon have my revenge, by the way--I and somebody else have the train laid for it."

"Polly, it was from no unchristian spirit of ill-will to them--for I trust that of such a spirit I am incapable--but to prevent them, by an unjust act, from injuring, perhaps from ruining others. That is my motive; but, at the same time, the whole matter is understood to be strictly confidential between you and me."

"Don't you know, Mr. M'Slime, that when there was an occasion for trustin' me, I didn't betray you to the world?"

"No--you did not; and it is for that reason that I trust you now."

"Ay, and you may, too; honor bright is my motive. You remember the day you pa.s.sed Darby O'Drive and me, on our way to M'Clutchy's? Did I pretend to know you then?"

"You acted then, Poll, with great and commendable discretion, which you will please to remember I did not overlook."

"No," said Poll, "you behaved decently enough."

"But observe me now, Poll; if this report concerning the firm of M'Loughlin and Harman should by any possibility be traced to us, or rather to yourself, and that you should be pressed to disclose it, which, of course, you could not be; but if a weak moment should ever come--it is best then to speak the truth, and put the saddle as they rather profanely say, upon Valentine M'Clutchy, the right horse here."

"Upon M'Clutchy! why bad as he is, he never opened his lips to me on this subject."

"But he did to me, Poll, because it was from him I first heard the suggestion; so that in point of truth and justice, you are bound by your own conscience, or you ought at least--to lay it at his door--and that now you understand better"--he smiled a little as he uttered these words--"But why don't you get a better bonnet, that one is very shabby?"

"It's aisier said than done," replied Poll, "the poor must always look poor, and will too."

"There then, are ten s.h.i.+llings, Poll; bestow them on that, or on any other purpose you prefer."

"Thank you, Mr. M'Slime, troth in the little job I did for you at our first acquaintance I found you--any way not worse than another. Well, but you can't desave me now--I see it in your eye--you have something else to say to me."

"Oh, nothing to signify. Merely a serious young person would wish to remove for change of air to some quiet nook until health--which, indeed, is the chiefest of temporal blessings, might be recovered."

"Man or woman?"

"A serious young woman, Poll."

"I see, I see, Mr. M'Slime; I know nothing more about it."

"Poll, listen--I shall no longer withhold confidence from you in this matter--unfortunately a member, indeed, I may say, two of our congregation have had a woeful fall. He ranks very high in it, and this is an act of the greater Christian friends.h.i.+p in me, inasmuch as in undertaking the management of this for him, I certainly run great risks of suffering in my own reputation. I cannot name him, for that would be a breach of confidence in me, but you are called upon to perform the duty required, and through me he shall compensate you for your trouble."

"Very well," replied Poll, "it must be done--and I can tell him whoever he is, that he could not come to any one that understands such matters betther."

"Good morning, Poll! Let me hear from you as soon as you can. Peace be with thee! but Poll, remember one thing, Harman and the M'Loughlins are going to America." Poll nodded significantly, but made no reply.

The moment she had gone, which she did by the aid of Solomon himself, who opened and closed the hall door after her, with a quietness of manner that seemed to communicate oil to the hinges themselves, he touched the bell, and in due time Susanna looked in.

"You rang, sir," said she.

"That arrangement is made;" said he, "so far all is well, or nearly so--go now." Susanna immediately withdrew, the few words he said seeming to have diffused suns.h.i.+ne into a face which appeared doubly serious.

When she was gone, Solomon laid his head down upon the desk before him, and remained in that position for some time. At length without at all raising it he began to play his knuckles against the lid, with a degree of alacrity which would not have disgraced the activity of a sleight-of-hand man. He at last rose, drew a long breath, and wore a very smiling face; but this was not all--O sanct.i.ty! O religion! Instead of going to his Bible, as one would imagine he ought to have done, instead of even taking up a psalm-book, and indulging in a spiritual song, he absolutely commenced whistling the Swaggering Jig, which he accompanied with as nimble a foot, and in as good time as if he had been a dancing-master all his life.

"Ah," said he, "I could have done it once, and would like to do it still, only for this wicked and censorious world." A knock from Darby O'Drive recalled him to a perception of his gifts, and when Darby entered he looked calm and serious as usual. Little could Darby have imagined, although perfectly aware of M'Slime's knavery, that the pious little man had just concluded "a short exercise," in performing the Swaggering Jig. As it was, however, he found him in a state which might either be termed a religious meditation, or an intense application to business--a Bible being on the one hand, and a brief on the other; but to which of the two he had devoted himself, neither Darby, nor indeed any one else, could guess. There, however, he sat, a kind of holy link between the law and the gospel.

When Darby entered, and delivered the letter, M'Slime on receiving it exclaimed, "Ah, from my excellent friend, M'Clutchy. Sit down, Darby, sit down, and whilst I am casting my eye over this note, do now, in order that we may make the most of our opportunities, do, I say, Darby, just read a chapter in this--" handing him over the Bible as he spoke. In the meantime he read as follows:--

"Strictly confidential.

"My Dear M'Slime:

"In order that the thing may be done as much in the shape and form of a matter of business as possible, don't you think it would be well for you, as Harman's lease has expired, to send me a regular written proposal for it--which proposal I may be able to show in justification of myself, should anything unfavorable turn up afterwards. Harman's offer was just double yours, but that is burnt; of course you will also burn this when you have read it. Your offer of a.s.sistance to M'Loughlin was well thought of; and even if we never, I mean you, should be paid, you are still a gainer by two hundred pounds. Each has offered a thousand a piece to have the leases renewed at the present rent; you give five hundred, very good suppose you lose three--that is, suppose M'Loughlin is driven, as, please G.o.d, he shall be, to allow you to accept a bill for three hundred--don't you see that you are still two hundred in pocket; no, I am wrong, not two but seven hundred. You can therefore well afford to lose three by the transaction, although, as I have said, it is not, in point of fact, losing three, but gaining seven, or at least five. Phil has also sent me a written proposal, which I will keep, but M'Loughlin's is gone the way of Harman's, as a matter of prudence. As for the private consideration between us, that is only to be glanced at. I give you my honor that Phil has tendered me two hundred, which I will not take, of course, either from you or him until the premises are cleared of the present tenants, This must be done very soon, and, I think it is much to be wished that Harman, who is a choleric scoundrel, should be put out of the way, if possible, If he is transported it will save us a good deal of annoyance. I should regret a meeting between him and Phil very much. Phil tells me that he once pulled his, Harman's, nose, and it is very natural that he should bear him a grudge for it. There is half a year's rent due this day, and the term mentioned in the notice to quit, expires next week. So far, then, all is right; we have them in our power, and can proceed safely.

Parliament will, it is well ascertained, be certainly dissolved about the end of May next, so that we must work double tides to bring in his Lords.h.i.+p. There is a devilish spirit abroad, however, which will occasion us much trouble; but I cannot agree with you about renewing the leases, notwithstanding. It is just doing by those who are obstinate and ill-disposed, precisely as we ought; that is, holding a whip over their heads, and a.s.suring them that we shall let it fall with rigor, unless they are agreeable as they ought. The Hon. Richard Topertoe is in London, but, between you and me, it matters little where he is; you may judge of what an intermeddling fool he must be, when he had the presumption to urge his Lords.h.i.+p to come to his native land, and live on his estate. This d----d Ribbonism and outrage, in spite of all our efforts, are still increasing; I think, however, that I shall be able to make a pounce some of these days. I have my spies at work, and let me tell you, that talk as they may, about its treachery and rascality, the spy system is an admirable one; in fact, it is like a two-edged sword, and cuts both ways, just as you wish. If, for instance, you cannot find Ribbonism made to your hand, you may make it--that is, you can corrupt first, and betray afterwards; which, at critical moments is unquestionably (I say this between ourselves) a decided advantage. By the by, my dear Solomon, the force of religion must be singularly strong and impressive in your life and conduct, when you have been able so wholesomely to influence that rascal bailiff of ours, Darby O'Drive. I have seldom, indeed, never witnessed so striking a change as you have produced in him; to tell you the truth, I felt a little chagrined and jealous about it; but as he owes us a kind of divided allegiance, I must rest contented.

"Believe me to be, my dear M'Slime, "Yours affectionately and faithfully, "Val M'Clutchy, J.P."

To this, while Darby was tooth and nail at the Bible, Solomon wrote the following reply--

"My Dear M'Clutchy:

"I have just read your letter of this date, and agree with you in the necessity and propriety of my sending you a written proposal which you can show at a future time, in order to justify yourself should it be necessary so to do. I also need not say that your conduct in destroying the proposals of M'Loughlin and Harman was equally creditable to your head and heart. Prudence and discretion, my dear Val, are not virtues of every day occurrence, and as to giving the preference to a Christian friend, I do not see how a man as you are, with a strong sense of religion, could without injuring your conscience avoid it. What is it after all, my dear friend, but a spoiling of the Egyptians, as holy Moses did, when about to lead the children of Israel from bondage. In that case it was what may be termed in these our days a description of justifiable theft, such as many professors of the word do, in matters of business, feel themselves warranted even now in imitating. It requires, however, to be done carefully, and within the freedom of the perfect law; but, by no means, with a worldly or secular spirit, otherwise it will be deprived of that unction which renders the act a gracious exemplification of our Christian privileges, instead of a departure from rect.i.tude, which it would be if committed by an unG.o.dly person. These are distinctions, my dear friend, which I grant you is not permitted to many to make--only, indeed, I may humbly and fearfully say to such as have by long wrestling with the spirit been able to see truth, when the inward eye has been purged from the grossness of pa.s.sion, for which to Him be praise and power. Amen! I herewith enclose you the proposal formally made, and will be ready to hand over the two hundred Christian manifestations of my grat.i.tude at the proper season. As to Lord c.u.mber being a loser by the transaction, such a loss must have been, we are bound to hope, shaped out for him as a punishment inflicted for gracious purposes. It is true he is ignorant of it, and I trust he shall remain so; but then we know that many a blessing comes to us in deep disguise, and that many a dispensation which we look upon as a favor from above, is far from being so. If, then, it be true that this thing is vouchsafed to him as a hidden blessing, let us be thankful that we have been selected as the unworthy means through whom he is made to receive it; or if it comes to him as a punishment, still it is our duty to reflect that we are merely the instruments through whose frailties, or virtues, as the case may be, he is visited, and that from the beginning this and many other acts which a blind unenlightened world might censure, were ordained for us, in order that the perfect scheme of Providence might be fulfilled.

"With respect to the spy system, I do agree with you fully. Many things must be done in secret, which the perversity of the world will not bear to hear of without committing sin. For instance, my dear Val, in sowing your crop of loyalty, so to speak, it might not, perhaps, be wrong--I am speaking, now observe, with reference to the cunning of the serpent, which you know we are enjoined to have, and if to have, of course to use when necessary; it might not, perhaps, be wrong I say, to cast a tare or two, if only for the purpose of employing our friends and fellow creatures to pull them, out again. It is as it were, giving the idle employment, and enabling ourselves in the mean time to gather an abundant harvest into our own garners.

"With respect to Darby, I trust, that if my unworthy example and earnest precept have been successful in rescuing him from the bonds of error and sin--but what is still more dangerous, from the d.a.m.nable thrall of Popery--it is not for me to vainly extol myself therefor. His conversion, however, will, I trust, be edifying to that interesting, but neglected cla.s.s, the bailiffs of Ireland. With reference to them, I am engaged during the very few leisure hours that I can steal--so to speak--from my professional employment, in writing a second tract especially for their improvement. It will be appropriately called, _The Bailiff's Beacon or a Strengthener for tender Consciences_, By their friend and brother Christian, Solomon M'Slime, Attorney at Law.

"Verily, my lines have been made to fall in pleasant places. On yesterday, I had the satisfaction to be appointed _soul_ agent to the Religious Cosmopolitan a.s.surance a.s.sociation, being a branch of the Grand Junction Spiritual Railway Society for travellers to a better world. The salary is liberal, but the appointment--especially to a man of sincere principles--is full of care and responsibility. Allow me, my dear Val, to recommend you and your friends to purchase shares in the Spiritual Railway Society--it is under Him the safest of all a.s.sociations yet established. The arrangements are admirably adapted for the projects in view. All the seats are delightfully soft, and as somnolent as church pews, to which they bear a close resemblance. The machine men, and all those appointed to situations on the line, are mostly in orders; but belong to different denominations. The scheme originated in Oxford, and has spread rapidly throughout the length and breadth of the land. Several of the stokers are bishops, and the reverend feeders discharge their respective duties with singular effect.

It is hoped besides, that it may, under divine guidance, be the glorious means of bringing Popery within the influence of truth, whilst its enemies--for it has enemies--as who has not--its enemies a.s.sert that whether it shall take in Popery, or Popery take in it, is a matter very difficult to be determined.

"They are also exceedingly expert at tract writing, which they perform, if I may say so, without boasting or vanity, very much in my own spirit.

Poor Susanna is ailing--I mean a serious young person in our family who tended our little olive branches and understood my habits. She is leaving us, and I shall miss her, for I am one of those persons, my dear friend, who have a heart for--and I trust I may say, that can sympathize with--my fellow creatures, however humble. Do you remember that I once availed myself of a Christian privilege, to mention between us the subject of family prayer?

"I remain, my dear M'Clutchy, with, may I hope, a few of the graces of my calling--an earnest wrestler against sin,