Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent Part 12

"Very truly yours, "c.u.mber."

"P.S.--By all means get those mischievous fellows--I forget their names--off the property, as I shall have no tenant under me who will create disturbance or sow dissension among the people. I thank you for the fine hamper of fowl, and have only to say, as above, that the oftener, &c, &c.

"c.u.mber."

CHAPTER VII.--Reflections on Absenteeism

--Virtues of a Loyal Magistrate--A Small Dose of Flattery--A Brace of Blessings--Darby has Notions of becoming a Convert--Hints to a Trusty Bailiff, with a Bit of Mystery--Drum Dhu, and the Comforts of Christmas Eve--An Extermination.

One of the greatest curses attending absenteeism is the facility with which a dishonest and oppressive agent can maintain a system of misrepresentation and falsehood, either to screen his own delinquency or to destroy the reputation of those whom he hates or fears. An absentee landlord has no guarantee beyond the honor and integrity of the man to whom he entrusts the management of his property, and consequently he ought to know that his very residence abroad presents strong temptations to persons, who, in too many instances, are not possessed of any principle strong enough to compete with their rapacity or cruelty.

Valentine M'Clutchy was one of those fellows in whom the heart was naturally so hard and selfish that he loved both wealth and the infliction of oppression, simply on account of the pleasure which they afforded him. To such a man, and they formed too numerous a cla.s.s, the estate of an absentee landlord presented an appropriate, and generally a safe field for action. The great principle of his life was, in every transaction that occurred, to make the interest of the landlord on one hand, and of the tenant on the other, subservient to his own. This was their rule, and the cunning and adroitness necessary to carry it into practical effect, were sometimes scarcely deemed worth concealment, so strong was their sense of impunity, and their disregard of what seldom took place--retribution. Indeed, the absence of the landlord gave them necessarily, as matters were managed, an unlimited power over the people, and gratified that malignant vigilance which ever attends upon suspicion and conscious guilt. Many of the tenants, for instance, when driven to the uttermost depths of distress and misery, have been desperate enough to appeal to the head landlords, and almost in every case the agent himself was enabled to show them their own letters, which the absentee had in the meantime transmitted to the identical party whose tyranny had occasioned them.

The appointment of Phil to the under agency was felt even more strongly than the removal of Mr. Hickman or Val's succession to that gentleman; for there was about honest Val something which the people could not absolutely despise. His talents for business, however, prost.i.tuted as they were to such infamous purposes, only rendered him a greater scourge to the unhappy tenantry over whom he was placed. As for Phil, he experienced at their hands that combined feeling of hatred and contempt with which we look upon a man who has every disposition to villany but not the ability to accomplish its purposes in a masterly manner.

Val's promotion to the Bench did not occasion so much surprise as might be supposed. It is well known, that every such scoundrel, however he may disregard the opinions of the people whom he despises, leaves nothing undone that either meanness or ingenuity can accomplish to sustain a plausible character with the gentry of the neighborhood. In the times of which we write, the great pa.s.sport to popularity among one party was the expression of strong political opinions. For this reason, Val, who was too cunning to neglect any subordinate aid to his success in life, had created for himself a certain description of character, which in a great degree occasioned much of his dishonesty and oppression to be overlooked or forgiven. Like his father, old Deaker, he was a furious Orangeman, of the true, loyal, and Ascendancy cla.s.s--drank the glorious, pious, and immortal memory every day after dinner--was, in fact, master of an Orange Lodge, and altogether a man of that thorough, staunch, Protestant principle, which was then, as it has been since, prost.i.tuted to the worst purposes. For this reason, he was looked upon, by those of his own cla.s.s not so much as a heartless and unscrupulous knave, as a good sound Protestant, whose religion and loyalty were of the right kidney. In accordance with these principles, he lost no time in a.s.suming the character of an active useful man, who considered it the most important part of his duty to extend his political opinions by every means in his power, and to discountenance, in all shapes and under all circ.u.mstances, such as were opposed to them. For this purpose, there was only one object left untried and unaccomplished; but time and his undoubted loyalty soon enabled him to achieve it. Not long after his appointment to the agency, he began to experience some of these uneasy sensations which a consciousness of not having deserved well at the hands of the people will occasion. The man, as we have said, was a coward at heart; but like many others of the same cla.s.s, he contrived on most occasions to conceal it. He now considered that it would, at all events, be a safe and prudent act on his part to raise a corps of yeomanry, securing a commission in it for himself and Phil. In this case he deemed it necessary to be able to lay, before government such satisfactory proofs as would ensure the accomplishment of his object, and at the same time establish his own loyalty and devotion to the higher powers. No man possessed the art of combining several motives, under the simple guise of one act, with greater skill than M'Clutchy. For instance, he had an opportunity of removing from the estate as many as possible of those whom he could not reckon on for political support. Thus would he, in the least suspicious manner, and in the very act of loyalty, occasion that quant.i.ty of disturbance just necessary to corroborate his representations to government--free property from disaffected persons, whose consciences were proof against both his threats and promises--and prove to the world that Valentine M'Clutchy was the man to suppress disturbance, punish offenders, maintain peace, and, in short, exhibit precisely that loyal and truly Protestant spirit which the times required, and which, in the end, generally contrived to bring its own reward along with it.

One evening, about this period, our worthy agent was sitting in his back parlor, enjoying with Phil the comforts of a warm tumbler of punch, when the old knock already described was heard at the hall door.

"How the devil does that rascal contrive to give such a knock?" said Phil--"upon my honor and reputation, father, I could know it out of a thousand."

"It's very difficult to say," replied the other; "but I agree with you in its character--and yet, I am convinced that Master Darby by no means entertains the terror of me which he affects. However, be this as it may, he is invaluable for his attachment to our interests, and the trust which we can repose in him. I intend to make him a sergeant in our new corps--and talking of that, Phil, you are not aware that I received this morning a letter from Lord c.u.mber, in which he thanks me for the hint, and says he will do everything in his power to forward the business. I have proposed that he shall be colonel, and that the corps be named the Castle c.u.mber Yeomanry. I shall myself be captain and paymaster, and you shall have a slice of something off it, Phil, my boy."

"I have no objection in life," replied Phil, "and let the slice be a good one; only I am rather quakerly as to actual fighting, which may G.o.d of his infinite mercy prevent!"

"There will be no fighting, my hero," replied the father, laughing; "if there were, Phil, I would myself rise above all claims for military glory; but here there will be nothing but a healthy chase across the country after an occasional rebel or whiteboy, or perhaps the seizing of a still, and the capture of many a keg of neat poteen, Phil--eh? What do you say to that my boy?"

"I have no objection to that," said Phil, "provided everything is done in an open, manly manner--in broad day-light. These scoundrel whiteboys have such devilish good practice at hedge-firing, that I have already made up my mind to decline all warfare that won't be sanctioned by the sun. I believe in my soul they see better without light than with it, so that the darkness which would be a protection to them, could be none to me."

At this moment, a tap--such as a thief would give when ascertaining if the master of the house were asleep, in order that he might rob him--came to the door, and upon being desired to "come in and be d----d"

Darby entered.

"You're an hour late, you scoundrel," said Val; "what have you to say for yourself?"

"Yes," added Phil, who was a perfect Achilles to every bailiff and driver on the estate--"what have you to say for yourself? If I served you right, upon my honor and reputation, I would kick you out. I would, you scoundrel, and I ought."

"I know you ought, squire, for I desarve it; but, any how, sure it was the floods that sent me round. The stick was covered above three feet, and I had to go round by the bridge. Throth his honor there ought to make the Grand Jury put a bridge acra.s.s it, and I wish to goodness, Square Phil, you would spake to him to get them to do it next summer."

When Solomon said, that all was vanity and vexation of spirit, we hope he did not mean that the two terms were at all synonymous; because, if he did, we unquestionably stand prepared to contest his knowledge of human nature, despite both his wisdom and experience. Darby's reply was not a long one, but its effect was powerful. The very notion that Val M'Clutchy could, should, might, or ought to have such influence over the Grand Jury of the county was irresistible with the father; and that he should live to be actually called squire, nay to hear the word with his own ears, was equally so with the son.

Vanity! What sensation can the hearts of thousands--millions feel, that ought for a moment be compared, in an ecstatic sense of enjoyment, with those which arise from gratified vanity?

"Come, you sneaking scoundrel, take a gla.s.s of spirits--the night's severe," said Val.

"Yes, you sneaking scoundrel, take a gla.s.s of spirits, and we'll see what can be done about the bridge before next winter," added Phil.

"All I can say is, gintlemen," said Darby, "that if you both take it up, it will be done. In the mane time, here's both your healths, your honors; an' may you both be spared on the property, as a pair of blessins to the estate!" Then, running over to Phil, he whispered in a playhouse voice--"Square Phil, I daren't let his honor hear me now, but--here's black confusion to Hickman, the desaver!"

"What is he saying, Phil? What is the cursed sneaking scoundrel saying?"

"Why your honor," interposed Darby, "I was axin' permission jist to add a thrifle to what I'm goin' to drink."

"What do you mean?" said Val.

"Just, your honor, to drink the glorious, pious, and immoral mimory!

hip, hip, hurra!"

"And how can you drink it, you rascal, and you a papist?" asked Phil, still highly delighted with Darby's loyalty. "What would your priest say if he knew it?"

"Why," said Darby, quite unconscious of the testimony he was bearing to his own duplicity, "sure they can forgive me that, along with my other sins. But, any how, I have a great notion to leave them and their ralligion altogether."

"How is that, you scoundrel?" asked Val.

"Yes, you scoundrel; how is that?" added Phil.

"Why, troth," replied Darby, "I can't well account for it myself, barrin' it comes from an enlightened conscience. Mr. M'Slime gave me a tract, some time ago, called Spiritual Food for Babes of Grace, and I thought in my own conscience, afther readin' it carefully over, that it applied very much to my condition."

"Ah!" said Phil, "what a babe you are! but no matter; I'm glad you have notions of becoming a good sound Protestant; take my word there's nothing like it. A man that's a good sound Protestant is always a loyal fellow, and when he's drunk, drinks--to h.e.l.l with the Pope."

"Phil, don't be a fool," said his father, who inherited many, if not all of old Deaker's opinions. "If you are about to become a Protestant, Darby, that's a very different thing from changing your religion--inasmuch as you must have one to change first. However, as you say, M'Slime's your man, and be guided by him."

"So I intend, sir; and he has been spakin' to me about comin' forrid publicly, in regard of an intention he has of writin' a new tract consarning me, to be called the Converted Bailiff, or a Companion to the Religious Attorney; and he says, sir, that he'll get us bound up together."

"Does he?" said Val, dryly; "strung up, I suppose he means."

"Troth your honor's right," replied Darby; "but my own mimory isn't what it used to be--it was strung up he said, sure enough, sir."

"Very well," said Val, "but now to business. Phil, my boy, you move off for a little--Darby and I have a small matter to talk over, that n.o.body must hear but ourselves."

"All right," replied Phil; "so take care of yourselves;" and accordingly left the room.

Now the truth was, that M'Clutchy, who perfectly understood the half-witted character of his son--for be it known that worthy Phil was considered by those who had the honor of his acquaintance, as anything but an oracle--did not feel himself justified in admitting the said Phil to full confidence in all his plans and speculations.

"You see now," said he, addressing Darby sternly--"you see the opinion which I entertain of your honesty, when I trust you more than I do my son."

"Troth I do your honor--and by the same token did I ever betray you?"

"Betray, you scoundrel! what had you to betray?" said Val indignantly, whatever I do is for the benefit of the country in general, and for Lord c.u.mber's property in particular: you know that."

"Know it! doesn't the whole world know it, sir?"

"Well, then"--said Val, softening---"now to business. In the first place observe my words--listen."

Darby said nothing, but looked at him in the att.i.tude of deep and breathless attention.