Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 157

KRAKAU. There, I've done it again.

HELMS [_without looking up from his paper_]. It's easy enough if one cheats.

KRAKAU. Who cheats?

HELMS. Well, year after year you work out the same problem. Anybody can do that.

KRAKAU [_rearranging the chessmen_]. You can't.

HELMS. Just try another problem once, then see how smart you are.

KRAKAU. I'm quite satisfied with this one. [_Moves a piece._] Going to have chocolate to-day?

HELMS [_contemptuously_]. Chocolate! What for?

KRAKAU. I thought on account of it being your birthday--

HELMS. Chocolate! That's a drink for women. On my birthday I serve wine.

KRAKAU. Hmmm! Wine, eh? Who's coming?

HELMS. Just one floor.

KRAKAU. Bolling too?

HELMS. I suppose Buffe will bring him along.

KRAKAU. And he won't have a word to say.

HELMS. He never has a word to say.

KRAKAU. No, never.

HELMS. Must you rattle those pieces like that?

KRAKAU. Can I help it if they are heavy? [_Moves them more carefully._]

You are always complaining about noise. You only do it to remind me how well you can hear.

HELMS. Your hearing has gotten a good deal worse this year, hasn't it?

Hansen says so, too.

KRAKAU. Hansen! A lot he knows! [_Moves a piece._] Is there anything about you in the paper?

HELMS. Nonsense! What should there be?

KRAKAU. Your eightieth birthday. They put all kinds of foolishness in the papers these days.

HELMS. Didn't you hear what I said? There is nothing.

KRAKAU. I heard you.

HELMS [_regards him distrustfully over his spectacles_]. Have you been reading this paper while I was out?

KRAKAU [_loftily_]. I always read the paper at night, you know.

Newspaper ought to be read by lamplight.

HELMS. Boasting about your eyesight again.

KRAKAU. Yes, I have excellent eyes. [_Knocks solemnly on wood._]

HELMS. Did you read the "personal notes"?

KRAKAU [_indignantly_]. I told you I haven't touched your old paper.

HELMS. My son-in-law has been appointed postal inspector.

KRAKAU. Postal Inspector! That's not a very high office. I suppose that is why Knut hasn't turned up to-day.

HELMS [_resentfully_]. You haven't congratulated me.

KRAKAU. Because he's a postal inspector? Hump! Congratulations. [_Pushes aside the chessboard and rises._]

HELMS [_ironically_]. Thanks. Ah, if my daughter had lived, she would be proud.

KRAKAU [_over his shoulder_]. If Mary's gray cat had been a horse she could have gone riding in the park.

HELMS [_regarding him sharply over his gla.s.ses_]. Do you know what I have noticed, Krakau? [_Krakau does not answer._] I have noticed that whenever I mention my son-in-law you get mad.

KRAKAU. So?

HELMS [_querulously_]. Yes you do. I noticed it long ago. I don't see what you've got against him. His son Knut is your G.o.dson, too.

KRAKAU. We'll not talk about that, Helms.

HELMS. But I want to talk about it. We have been friends for sixty years, you and me, and--

KRAKAU [_suddenly_]. Why didn't Knut send regards to me in his birthday letter?

HELMS. Ha, you're jealous, that's what you are. After all, it's my birthday, not yours.

KRAKAU. He never forgot to send regards to _you_ on _my_ birthday.

HELMS [_beating his breast_]. Well, he's my grandson and he's only your G.o.dson.

KRAKAU [_incredulously_]. So--e?

HELMS. Well, isn't he your G.o.dson?