The Pot Boiler: A Comedy in Four Acts Part 6

_Dad._ Can I honestly say that one is more foolish than the other?

Wouldn't I be helping him if I gave the money to the cats, and let my son go out and earn his living as best he can? Let him go down to my office and earn his twelve dollars a week, the same as any other young jacka.s.s--

_Jack (stepping forward)._ Dad, don't you really think it's time you let me get a word in?

_Dad._ I'm tired of your words, young man.

_Jack._ You won't be troubled with them any more. I'm going to take myself out of your way. I don't want your quarter of a million dollars, and I don't want your twelve a week.

_Dad._ Indeed, sir! And what may this mean?

_Jack._ It means that I'm going out into the world as a hobo.

_Dad. What?_

_Jack._ That's it!

_Dad._ Clever! Upon my word, a clever scheme! _(To the others.)_ Look at him! The nerve of him! He knows he's misbehaved, and that I'll be angry--so he goes and puts on a masquerade costume, and tries to frighten me with a threat of turning hobo!

_Jessie._ Dad, it isn't that! He means to go!

_Dad._ I don't doubt that he means to go! But how long do you think he means to stay?

_Jack._ Six months, Dad.

_Dad (scornfully)._ Six months! It won't be six days before I'll he getting bills to pay for you!

_Jack._ You'll get no bills from me, Dad. I'm not going to use your name.

_Dad._ How long will it he before I hear you've been borrowing money from your friends?

_Bob._ You must listen, Dad. Jack and I are making a wager. He's to go out in my hobo clothes and he's not to use his own name--he's not to see any of his old friends, nor to communicate with them. He's to depend absolutely on his own efforts--to s.h.i.+ft for himself for six months. That's the bargain.

_Dad._ And do you imagine he'll keep it?

_Bob._ I believe he'll try.

_Dad (gazes from one to the other; then with sudden vehemence)._ Very well! You can let me in on that bargain!

_Jack._ How do you mean?

_Dad._ Make your wager with me--I'll give you a stake to play for! A stake that will make the game worth while!

_Jack._ What stake, Dad?

_Dad._ A quarter of a million dollars! Your mother's property.

_Jessie._ Dad!

_Dad._ I mean what I say! As G.o.d is my witness, I'll stand by what I say! You go out of here to-night with your hobo clothes and you s.h.i.+ft for yourself for six months. If I find out that you've told a soul whose son you are, or that you've used my name or your own name to get a cent of money or a job, or even so much as a ham sandwich; or if you come home before the six months is up, or write to one of us, or to any one else for help--as sure as I live, it will cost you a quarter of a million dollars.

_Jessie._ Dad, that is wicked.

_Dad._ It will cost him a quarter of a million dollars! I'll take the money the same day and turn it over to the Home for Cats! Do you get that, young man?

_Jack._ Yes, I get it, and it's a bargain!

_Dad._ Very well, sir. Now good luck to you!

_Jack._ Good-bye, Bob. Good-bye, Jessie.

_Jessie (rus.h.i.+ng to him)._ Jack, I can't let you go!

_Jack._ Don't touch me, Jessie. You'll ruin your dress.

_Bob._ Let her kiss you, Jack. She'll be the last girl that offers for some time.

_Jack (to Jessie)._ Be sensible, dear. I won't let any harm come to me.

_Bob._ Get one of the fast freights, Jack.

_Jack._ No freights in mine--New York will do. There's some money still lying around in this old town, I've an idea.

_Dad (sarcastically)._ He'll be king of the shoe-string peddlers--the walking delegate of the Hobos' Union!

_Jack._ You may laugh, Dad, but I know I'm not such a fool as I seem. Maybe it'll take me more than six months, but I think I can convince you in the end that I can make my way.

_Dad._ Maybe you'll not want the quarter of a million at all!

_Jack._ Oh, an extra quarter of a million would always come in handy. But we'll settle that when I return, Dad. For the present, I've got the world to conquer.

_Bob._ Bow down, world!

_Jack._ What I say is: Come on, world! _(with a gesture of defiance)_ I'm ready for you! I'll show you what I can do. Good-bye!

_(exit suddenly Left)_

_Jessie._ Jack! Jack! Oh, how perfectly terrible! This cold night, and no money! What will he do?

_Bob._ There's many another man out there with no money. What do _they_ do?

_Jessie._ Bob, I _hate_ you!

_Dad._ It'll be the very thing for the young scapegrace--if he'll stick to it.

_Jessie._ But how will he live, Dad?

_Dad._ Live? Wasn't I a poor boy when I came to the city? And didn't I manage to make a fortune? Let him do what I did!

_Jessie._ But you were used to hards.h.i.+ps, Dad!