Nature and Human Nature Part 51

"Sais he, 'Hab you ebber tort ob dat long journey dat is afore you? to dat far off counteree where you will be manc.i.p.ated and free, where de weary hab no rest, and de wicked hab no labor?'

"'Down to Boston I spose, Ma.s.sa,' sais I, 'mong dem pententionists and ablutionists, Ma.s.sa; ablution is a mean, nasty, dirty ting, and don't suit n.i.g.g.ars what hab good missus like me, and I won't take dat journey, and I hate dat cold counteree, and I want nottin' to do wid mansipationists.'

"'It ain't dat, said he, 'it's up above.'

"'What,' sais I, 'up dere in de mountains? What onder de sun should I go dere for to be froze to defth, or to be voured by wild beasts?

Ma.s.sa, I won't go nowhere widout dear missus goes.'

"'I mean Heaben,' he said, 'where all are free and all equal; where joy is, and sorrow enters not.'

"'What,' sais I, 'Joy in Heaben? I don't believe one word of it. Joy was de greatest tief on all dese tree plantations of missus; he stole more chicken, and corn, and backey, dan his great bull neck was worth, and when he ran off, missus wouldn't let no one look for him. Joy in Heaben, eh; and Sorrow nebber go dere! Well, I clare now! Yah, yah, yah, Ma.s.sa, you is foolin' dis here n.i.g.g.ar now, I know you is when you say Joy is dead, and gone to Heaben, and dis child is shot out for ebber. Ma.s.sa,' sais I, 'me and missus don't low ablution talk here, on no account whatsomever, de only larnin' we lows of is whippin' fellows who tice n.i.g.g.ars to rections, and de slaves of dis plantation will larn you as sure as you is bawn, for dey lub missus dearly. You had better k.u.mmence de long journey usself. Sall.u.s.t, bring out dis gentleman hoss; and Plutarch, go fetch de saddle-bag down.'

"I led his hoss by where de dogs was, and, sais I, 'Ma.s.sa, I can't help larfin' no how I can fix it, at dat ar story you told me about dat young rascal Joy. Dat story do smell rader tall, dat are a fac; yah, yah, yah,' and I fell down and rolled ober and ober on de gra.s.s, and it's lucky I did, for as I dodged he fetched a back-handed blow at me wid his huntin' whip, that would a cut my head off if it had tooked me round my neck.

"My missus larfed right out like any ting, tho' it was so hot, and when missus larf I always know she is good-natured.

"'Sorrow,' said missus, 'I am afraid you is more rogue dan fool.'

"'Missus,' sais I, 'I nebber stole the vally of a pin's head off ob dis plantation, I scorn to do such a nasty, dirty, mean action, and you so kind as to gib me more nor I want, and you knows dat, Missus; you knows it, oderwise you wouldn't send me to de bank, instead ob white oberseer, Mr Succatash, for six, seben, or eight hundred dollars at a time. But, dere is too much stealin' going on here, and you and I, Missus, must be more ticklar. You is too dulgent altogether.'

"'I didn't mean that, Sorrow,' she said, 'I don't mean stealin'.

"'Well, Missus, I's glad to hear dat, if you will let me ab permission den, I will drink you good helf.'

"'Why didn't you do it half an hour ago?' she said.

"'Missus,' sais I, 'I was so busy talkin', and so scared about your helf, and dere was no hurry,' and I stept near to her side, where she could see me, and I turned de bottle up, and advanced dis way, for it hadn't no more dan what old Cloe's thimble would hold, jist like dis bottle.

"'Why,' said she (and she smiled, and I knowed she was good-natured), 'dere is nottin' dere, see if dere isn't some in de oder bottle,' and I went back and set it down, and took it up to her, and poured it out dis way."

"Slick," said Cutler, "I am astonished at you, you are encouraging that black rascal in drinking, and allowing him to make a beast of himself," and he went on deck to attend to his duty, saying as he shut the door, "That fellow will prate all day if you allow him." Sorrow followed him with a very peculiar expression of eye as he retired.

"Ma.s.sa Captain," said he, "as sure as de world, is an ablutionist, dat is just de way dey talk. Dey call us coloured breddren when they tice us off from home, and den dey call us black rascals and beasts. I wish I was to home agin, Yankees treat dere coloured breddren like dogs, dat is a fact; but he is excellent man, Ma.s.sa Captain, bery good man, and though I don't believe it's a possible ting Joy is in heaben, I is certain de captain, when de Lord be good nuff to take him, will go dere."

"The captain is right," said I, "Sorrow, put down that bottle; you have had more than enough already--put it down;" but he had no idea of obeying, and held on to it.

"If you don't put that down, Sorrow," I said, "I will break it over your head."

"Oh! Ma.s.sa," said he, "dat would be a sin to waste dis oloriferous rum dat way; just let me drink it first, and den I will stand, and you may break de bottle on my head; it can't hurt n.i.g.g.ar's head, only cut a little wool."

"Come, no more of this nonsense," I said, "put it down;" and seeing me in earnest, he did so.

"Now," sais I, "tell us how you are going to cook the clams."

"Oh! Ma.s.sa," said he, "do let me finish de story about de way I larned it.

"'Sorrow,' said missus, 'I am going to take a long journey all de way to Boston, and de wedder is so cold, and what is wus, de people is so cold, it makes me shudder,' and she s.h.i.+vered like cold ague fit, and I was afraid she would unjoint de sofa.

"'Don't lay too close to them, Missus,' sais I.

"'What,' said she, and she raised herself up off ob de pillar, and she larfed, and rolled ober and ober, and tosticated about almost in a conniption fit, 'you old goose,' said she, 'you onaccountable fool,'

and den she larfed and rolled ober agin, I tought she would a tumbled off on de floor, 'do go way; you is too foolish to talk to, but turn my pillar again. Sorrow,' said she, 'is I showin' of my ankles,' said she, 'rollin' about so like mad?'

"'Little bit,' sais I, 'Missus.'

"'Den put dat scarf ober my feet agin. What on earth does you mean, Sorrow, bout not sleepin' too close to de Yankees?'

"'Missus,' sais I, 'does you recollect de day when Zeno was drownded off de raft? Well, dat day Plutarch was lowed to visit next plantation, and dey bring him home mazin' drunk--stupid as owl, his mout open and he couldn't speak, and his eye open and he couldn't see.

Well, as you don't low n.i.g.g.ar to be flogged, Aunt Phillissy Ann and I lay our heads together, and we tought we'd punish him; so we ondressed him, and put him into same bed wid poor Zeno, and when he woke up in de mornin' he was most frighten to def, and had de cold chills on him, and his eye stared out ob his head, and his teeth chattered like monkeys. He was so frighten, we had to burn lights for a week--he tought after dat he saw Zeno in bed wid him all de time. It's werry dangerous, Missus, to sleep near cold people like Yankees and dead n.i.g.g.ars.'

"'Sorrow, you is a knave I believe,' she said.

"'Knave, knave, Missus,' I sais, 'I don't know dat word.'

"'Sorrow,' said she, 'I is a goin' to take you wid me.'

"'Tank you, Missus,' said I, 'oh! bless your heart, Missus.'"

"Sorrow," said I, sternly, "do you ever intend to tell us how you are going to cook them clams, or do you mean to chat all day?"

"Jist in one minute, Ma.s.sa, I is jist comin' to it," said he.

"'Now,' sais missus, 'Sorrow, it's werry genteel to travel wid one's own cook; but it is werry ongenteel when de cook can't do nuffin'

super-superior; for bad cooks is plenty eberywhere widout travellin'

wid 'em. It brings disgrace.'

"'Exactly, Missus,' sais I, 'when you and me was up to de president's plantation, his cook was makin' plum pudden, he was. Now how in natur does you rimagine he did it? why, Missus, he actilly made it wid flour, de stupid tick-headed fool, instead ob de crumbs ob a six cent stale loaf, he did; and he nebber 'pared de gredients de day afore, as he had aughten to do. It was nuffin' but stick jaw--jist fit to feed turkeys and little n.i.g.g.e.roons wid. Did you ebber hear de likes ob dat in all your bawn days, Missus; but den, Marm, de general was a berry poor cook hisself you know, and it stand to argument ob reason, where ma.s.sa or missus don't know nuffin', de sarvant can't neither. Dat is what all de gentlemen and ladies says dat wisit here, Marm: 'What a lubly beautiful woman Miss Lunn is,' dey say, 'dere is so much 'finement in her, and her table is de best in all Meriky.'

"'What a fool you is, Uncle Sorrow,' she say, and den she larf again; and when missus larf den I know she was pleased. 'Well,' sais she, 'now mind you keep all your secrets to yourself when travellin', and keep your eyes open wide, and see eberyting and say nuffin'.'

"'Missus,' sais I, 'I will be wide awake; you may pend on me--eyes as big as two dog-wood blossoms, and ears open like mackarel.'

"'What you got for dinner to-day?' she say--jist as you say, Ma.s.sa.

Well, I tell her all ober, as I tells you, numeratin' all I had. Den she picked out what she wanted, and mong dem I recklect was clams.'"

"Now tell us how you cooked the clams," I said; "what's the use of standing chattering all day there like a monkey?"

"Dat, Ma.s.sa, now is jist what I is goin' to do dis blessid minit.

'Missus,' sais I, 'talkin' of clams, minds me of chickens.'

"'What on airth do you mean,' sais she, 'you blockhead; it might as well mind you of tunder.'

"'Well, Missus,' sais I, 'now sometimes one ting does mind me of anoder ting dat way; I nebber sees you, Missus, but what you mind me ob de beautiful white lily, and dat agin ob de white rose dat hab de lubly color on his cheek.'

"'Do go away, and don't talk nonsense,' she said, larfing; and when she larfed den I know she was pleased.

"'So clams mind me of chickens.'

"'And whiskey,' she said.