Nature and Human Nature Part 47

"That remark threw him off his guard; he rose up greatly agitated; his eyes flashed fire, and he extended out his arm as if he intended by gesticulation to give full force to what he was about to say. He stood in this att.i.tude for a moment without uttering a word, when by a sudden effort he mastered himself, and took up his hat to walk out on the terrace and recover his composure.

"As he reached the door, he turned, and said:

"'The a.s.senting to that infamous indemnity act, Mr Slick, and the still more disreputable manner in which it received the gubernational sanction, has produced an impression in Canada that no loyal man--'

but he again checked himself, and left the sentence unfinished.

"I was sorry I had pushed him so hard, but the way he tried to evade the subject at first, the bitterness of his tone, and the excitement into which the allusion threw him, convinced me that the English neither know who their real friends in Canada are, nor how to retain their affections.

"When he returned, I said to him, 'I was only jesting about your having no grievances in Canada, and I regret having agitated you. I agree with you however that it is of no use to remonstrate with the English public. They won't listen to you. If you want to be heard, attract their attention, in the first instance, by talking of their own immediate concerns, and while they are regarding you with intense interest and anxiety, by a sleight of hand s.h.i.+ft the dissolving view, and subst.i.tute a sketch of your own. For instance, says you, 'How is it the army in the Crimea had no tents in the autumn, and no huts in the winter--the hospitals no fittings, and the doctors no nurses or medicines? How is it disease and neglect have killed more men than the enemy? Why is England the laughing-stock of Russia, and the b.u.t.t of French and Yankee ridicule? and how does it happen this country is filled with grief and humiliation from one end of it to the other? I will tell you. These affairs were managed by a branch of the Colonial Office. The minister for that department said to the army, as he did to the distant provinces, 'Manage your own affairs, and don't bother us.' Then pause and say, slowly and emphatically, 'You now have a taste of what we have endured in the colonies. The same incompetency has ruled over both.'"

"'Good heavens,' said he, 'Mr Slick. I wish you was one of us.'

"'Thank you for the compliment.' sais I. 'I feel flattered, I a.s.sure you; but, excuse me. I have no such ambition. I am content to be a humble Yankee clockmaker. A Colonial Office, in which there is not a single man that ever saw a colony, is not exactly the government to suit me. The moment I found my master knew less than I did, I quit his school and set up for myself.'

'Yes, my friend, the English want to have the mirror held up to them; but that is your business and not mine. It would be out of place for me. I am a Yankee, and politics are not my line; I have no turn for them, and I don't think I have the requisite knowledge of the subject for discussing it; but you have both, and I wonder you don't.

"Now, Doctor, you may judge from that conversation, and the deep feeling it exhibits, that men's thoughts are wandering in new channels. The great thing for a statesman is to direct them to the right one. I have said there were three courses to be considered; first, incorporation with England; secondly, independence; thirdly, annexation. The subject is too large for a quarter-deck walk, so I will only say a few words more. Let's begin with annexation first. The thinking, reflecting people among us don't want these provinces. We guess we are big enough already, and nothing but our great rivers, ca.n.a.ls, railroads, and telegraphs (which, like skewers in a round of beef, fasten the unwieldy ma.s.s together) could possibly keep us united. Without them we should fall to pieces in no time. It's as much as they can keep all tight and snug now; but them skewers nor no others can tie a greater bulk than we have. Well, I don't think colonists want to be swamped in our vast republic either. So there ain't no great danger from that, unless the devil gits into us both, which, if a favourable chance offered, he is not onlikely to do. So let that pa.s.s. Secondly, as to incorporation. That is a grand idea, but it is almost too grand for John Bull's head, and a little grain too large for his pride. There are difficulties, and serious ones, in the way. It would require partic.i.p.ation in the legislature, which would involve knocking off some of the Irish brigade to make room for your members; and there would be a hurrush at that, as O'Connell used to say, that would bang Banaghar. It would also involve an invasion of the upper house, for colonists won't take half a loaf now, I tell you; which would make some o' those gouty old lords fly round and scream like Mother Cary's chickens in a gale of wind; and then there would be the story of the national debt, and a partic.i.p.ation in imperial taxes to adjust, and so on; but none of these difficulties are insuperable.

"A statesman with a clever head, a sound judgment, and a good heart, could adjust a scheme that would satisfy all; at least it would satisfy colonists by its justice, and reconcile the peers and the people of England by its expediency, for the day Great Britain parts with these colonies, depend upon it, she descends in the scale of nations most rapidly. India she may lose any day, for it is a government of opinion only. Australia will emanc.i.p.ate itself ere long, but these provinces she may and ought to retain.

"Thirdly, independence. This is better for her than annexation by a long chalk, and better for the colonies too, if I was allowed to spend my opinion on it; but if that is decided upon, something must be done soon. The way ought to be prepared for it by an immediate federative and legislative union of them all. It is of no use to consult their governors, they don't and they can't know anything of the country but its roads, lakes, rivers, and towns; but of the people they know nothing whatever. You might as well ask the steeple of a wooden church whether the sill that rests on the stone foundation is sound. They are too big according to their own absurd notions, too small in the eyes of colonists, and too far removed and unbending to know anything about it. What can a man learn in five years except the painful fact, that he knew nothing when he came, and knows as little when he leaves? He can form a better estimate of himself than when he landed, and returns a humbler, but not a wiser man; but that's all his schoolin' ends in.

No, Sirree, it's only men like you and me who know the ins and outs of the people here."

"Don't say me," said the doctor, "for goodness' sake, for I know nothing about the inhabitants of these woods and waters, but the birds, the fish, and the beasts."

"Don't you include politicians," said I, "of all shades and colours, under the last genus? because I do, they are regular beasts of prey."

Well, he laughed; he said he didn't know nothing about them.

"Well," sais I, "I ain't so modest, I can tell you, for I do know. I am a clockmaker, and understand machinery. I know all about the wheels, pulleys, pendulum, balances, and so on, the length of the chain, and what is best of all, the way to wind 'em up, set 'em a going, and make 'em keep time. Now, Doctor, I'll tell you what neither the English nor the Yankees, nor the colonists themselves, know anything of, and that is about the extent and importance of these North American provinces under British rule. Take your pencil now, and write down a few facts I will give you, and when you are alone meditating, just chew on 'em.

"First--there are four millions of square miles of territory in them, whereas all Europe has but three millions some odd hundred thousands, and our almighty, everlastin' United States still less than that again. Canada alone is equal in size to Great Britain, France, and Prussia. The maritime provinces themselves cover a s.p.a.ce as large as Holland, Belgium, Greece, Portugal, and Switzerland, all put together.

The imports for 1853 were between ten and eleven millions, and the exports (s.h.i.+ps sold included) between nine and ten millions. At the commencement of the American Revolution, when we first dared the English to fight us, we had but two and a half, these provinces now contain nearly three, and in half a century will reach the enormous amount of eighteen millions of inhabitants. The increase of population in the States is thirty-three per cent., in Canada sixty-eight. The united revenue is nearly a million and a half, and their s.h.i.+pping amounts to four hundred and fifty thousand tons.

"Now, take these facts and see what an empire is here, surely the best in climate, soil, mineral, and other productions in the world, and peopled by such a race as no other country under heaven can produce.

No, Sir, here are the bundle of sticks, all they want is to be well united. How absurd it seems to us Yankees that England is both so ignorant and so blind to her own interests, as not to give her attention to this interesting portion of the empire, that in natural and commercial wealth is of infinitely more importance than half a dozen Wallachias and Moldavias, and in loyalty, intelligence, and enterprise, as far superior to turbulent Ireland as it is possible for one country to surpa.s.s another. However, Doctor, it's no affair of mine. I hate politics, and I hate talking figures. Sposin' we try a cigar, and some white satin."

CHAPTER XX.

TOWN AND COUNTRY.

"Doctor," sais I, as we ascended the deck the following morning, "I can't tell you how I have enjoyed these incidental runs on sh.o.r.e I have had during my cruise in the 'Black Hawk.' I am amazin' fond of the country, and bein' an early riser, I manage to lose none of its charms. I like to see the early streak in the east, and look on the glorious sky when the sun rises. I like everything about the country, and the people that live in it. The town is artificial, the country is natural. Whoever sees the peep of the morning in the city but a drowsy watchman, who waits for it to go to his bed? a nurse, that is counting the heavy hours, and longs to put out the unsnuffed candles, and take a cup of strong tea to keep her peepers open; or some houseless wretch, that is woke up from his nap on a door-step, by a punch in the ribs from the staff of a policeman, who begrudges the misfortunate critter a luxury he is deprived of himself, and asks him what he is a doin' of there, as if he didn't know he had nothin' to do nowhere, and tells him to mizzle off home, as if he took pleasure in reminding him he had none. Duty petrifies these critters' hearts harder than the grand marble porch stone that served for a couch, or the doorstep that was used for a pillow. Even the dogs turn in then, for they don't think it's necessary to mount guard any longer. Blinds and curtains are all down, and every livin' critter is asleep, breathing the nasty, hot, confined, unwholesome air of their bed-rooms, instead of inhaling the cool dewy breeze of heaven.

"Is it any wonder that the galls are thin, and pale, and delicate, and are so languid, they look as if they were givin' themselves airs, when all they want is air? or that the men complain of dyspepsy, and look hollow and unhealthy, having neither cheeks, stomach, nor thighs, and have to take bitters to get an appet.i.te for their food, and pickles and red pepper to digest it? The sun is up, and has performed the first stage of his journey before the maid turns out, opens the front door, and takes a look up and down street, to see who is a stirrin'.

Early risin' must be cheerfulsome, for she is very chipper, and throws some orange-peel at the shopman of their next neighbour, as a hint if he was to chase her, he would catch her behind the hall-door, as he did yesterday, after which she would show him into the supper-room, where the liquors and cakes are still standing as they were left last night.

"Yes, she is right to hide, for it is decent, if it ain't modest, seein' the way she has jumped into her clothes, and the danger there is of jumping out of them again. How can it be otherwise, when she has to get up so horrid early? It's all the fault of the vile milkman, who will come for fear his milk will get sour; and that beast, the iceman, who won't wait, for fear his ice will melt; and that stupid n.i.g.g.e.r who will brush the shoes then, he has so many to clean elsewhere.

"As she stands there, a woman ascends the step, and produces a basket from under her cloak, into which she looks carefully, examines its contents (some lace frills, tippets, and collars of her mistress, which she wore a few nights ago at a ball), and returns with something heavy in it, for the arm is extended in carrying it, and the stranger disappears. She still lingers, she is expecting some one. It is the postman, he gives her three or four letters, one of which is for herself. She reads it approvingly, and then carefully puts it into her bosom, but that won't retain it no how she can fix it, so she s.h.i.+fts it to her pocket. It is manifest Posty carries a verbal answer, for she talks very earnestly to him, and shakes hands with him at parting most cordially.

"It must be her turn for a ball to-night I reckon, for a carriage drives very rapidly to within three or four hundred yards of the house, and then crawls to the door so as not to disturb the family. A very fas.h.i.+onably-dressed maid is there (her mistress must be very kind to lend her such expensive head-gear, splendid jewelry, and costly and elegant toggery), and her beau is there with such a handsome moustache and becoming beard, and an exquisitely-worked chain that winds six or seven times round him, and hangs loose over his waistcoat, like a coil of golden cord. At a given signal, from the boss of the hack, who stands door in hand, the young lady gathers her clothes well up her drumsticks, and would you believe, two steps or springs only, like those of a kangaroo, take her into the house? It's a streak of light, and nothing more. It's lucky she is thin, for fat tames every critter that is foolish enough to wear it, and spoils agility.

"The beau takes it more leisurely. There are two epochs in a critter's life of intense happiness, first when he doffs the petticoats, pantellets, the hermaphrodite rig of a child, and mounts the jacket and trowsers of a boy; and the other is when that gives way to a 'long tail blue,' and a beard. He is then a man.

"The beau has reached this enviable age, and as he is full of admiration of himself, is generous enough to allow time to others to feast their eyes on him. So he takes it leisurely, his character, like that charming girl's, won't suffer if it is known they return with the cats in the morning; on the contrary, women, as they always do, the little fools, will think more of him. They make no allowance for one of their own s.e.x, but they are very indulgent, indeed they are both blind and deaf, to the errors of the other. The fact is, if I didn't know it was only vindicating the honour of their s.e.x, I vow I should think it was all envy of the gall who was so lucky, as to be unlucky; but I know better than that. If the owner of the house should be foolish enough to be up so early, or entirely take leave of his senses, and ask him why he was mousing about there, he flatters himself he is just the child to kick him. Indeed he feels inclined to flap his wings and crow. He is very proud. Celestina is in love with him, and tells him (but he knew that before) he is very handsome. He is a man, he has a beard as black as the ace of spades, is full dressed, and the world is before him. He thrashed a watchman last night, and now he has a drop in his eye, would fight the devil. He has succeeded in deceiving that gall, he has no more idea of marrying her than I have. It shows his power. He would give a dollar to crow, but suffers himself to be gently pushed out of the hall, and the door fastened behind him, amid such endearing expressions, that they would turn a fellow's head, even after his hair had grown gray. He then lights a cigar, gets up with the driver, and looks round with an air of triumph, as much as to say--'What would you give to be admired and as successful as I am?' and when he turns the next corner, he does actilly crow.

"Yes, yes, when the cat's away, the mice will play. Things ain't in a mess, and that house a hurrah's nest, is it? Time wears on, and the alternate gall must be a movin' now, for the other who was at the ball has gone to bed, and intends to have her by-daily head-ache if inquired for. To-night it will be her turn to dance, and to-morrow to sleep, so she cuts round considerable smart. Poor thing, the time is not far off when you will go to bed and not sleep, but it's only the child that burns its fingers that dreads the fire. In the mean time, set things to rights.

"The curtains are looped up, and the shutters folded back into the wall, and the rooms are sprinkled with tea-leaves, which are lightly swept up, and the dust left behind, where it ought to be, on the carpet,--that's all the use there is of a carpet, except you have got corns. And then the Venetians are let down to darken the rooms, and the windows are kept closed to keep out the flies, the dust, and the heat, and the flowers brought in and placed in the stands. And there is a beautiful temperature in the parlour, for it is the same air that was there a fortnight before. It is so hot, when the young ladies come down to breakfast, they can't eat, so they take nothing but a plate of buck-wheat cakes, and another of hot b.u.t.tered rolls, a dozen of oysters, a pot of preserves, a cup of honey, and a few ears of Indian corn. They can't abide meat, it's too solid and heavy. It's so horrid warm it's impossible they can have an appet.i.te, and even that little trifle makes them feel dyspeptic. They'll starve soon; what can be the matter? A gla.s.s of cool ginger pop, with ice, would be refres.h.i.+ng, and soda water is still better, it is too early for wine, and at any rate it's heating, besides being unscriptural.

"Well, the men look at their watches, and say they are in a hurry, and must be off for their counting-houses like wink, so they bolt. What a wonder it is the English common people call the stomach a bread-basket, for it has no meanin' there. They should have called it a meat-tray, for they are the boys for beef and mutton. But with us it's the identical thing. They clear the table in no time, it's a grand thing, for it saves the servants trouble. And a steak, and a dish of chops, added to what the ladies had, is grand. The best way to make a pie is to make it in the stomach. But flour fixins piping hot is the best, and as their disgestion ain't good, it is better to try a little of everything on table to see which best agrees with them. So down goes the Johnny cakes, Indian flappers, Lucy Neals, Hoe cakes--with toast, fine cookies, rice batter, Indian batter, Kentucky batter, flannel cakes, and clam fritters. Super-superior fine flour is the wholesomest thing in the world, and you can't have too much of it.

It's grand for pastry, and that is as light and as flakey as snow when well made. How can it make paste inside of you and be wholesome? If you would believe some Yankee doctors you'd think it would make the stomach a regular glue pot. They pretend to tell you pap made of it will kill a baby as dead as a herring. But doctors must have some hidden thing to lay the blame of their ignorance on. Once when they didn't know what was the matter of a child, they said it was water in the brain, and now when it dies--oh, they say, the poor thing was killed by that pastry flour. But they be hanged. How can the best of anything that is good be bad? The only thing is to be sure a thing is best, and then go a-head with it.

"Well, when the men get to their offices, they are half roasted alive, and have to take ices to cool them, and then for fear the cold will heat them, they have to take brandy c.o.c.k-tail to counteract it. So they keep up a sort of artificial fever and ague all day. The ice gives the one, and brandy the other, like shuttlec.o.c.k and battledore.

If they had walked down as they had ought to have done, in the cool of the morning, they would have avoided all this.

"How different it is now in the country, ain't it? What a glorious thing the sun-rise is! How beautiful the dew-spangled bushes, and the pearly drops they shed, are! How sweet and cool is the morning air, and how refres.h.i.+ng and bracing the light breeze is to the nerves that have been relaxed in warm repose! The new-ploughed earth, the snowy-headed clover, the wild flowers, the blooming trees, and the balsamic spruce, all exhale their fragrance to invite you forth. While the birds offer up their morning hymn, as if to proclaim that all things praise the Lord. The lowing herd remind you that they have kept their appointed time; and the freshening breezes, as they swell in the forest and awaken the sleeping leaves, seem to whisper, 'We too come with healing on our wings;' and the babbling brook, that it also has its mission to minister to your wants. Oh, morning in the country is a glorious thing, and it is impossible when one rises and walks forth and surveys the scene not to exclaim, 'G.o.d is good.'

"Oh, that early hour has health, vigour, and cheerfulness in it. How natural it seems to me, how familiar I am with everything it indicates! The dew tells me there will be no showers, the white frost warns me of its approach; and if that does not arrive in time, the sun instructs me to notice and remember, that if it rises bright and clear and soon disappears in a cloud, I must prepare for heavy rain. The birds and the animals all, all say, 'We too are cared for, and we have our foreknowledge, which we disclose by our conduct to you." The brooks too have meaning in their voices, and the southern sentinel proclaims aloud, 'Prepare.' And the western, 'All is well.'"

Oh, how well I know the face of nature! What pleasure I take as I commence my journey at this hour, to witness the rising of the mist in the autumn from the low grounds, and its pausing on the hill-tops, as if regretting the scene it was about to leave! And how I admire the little insect webs, that are spangled over the field at that time; and the partridge warming itself in the first gleam of suns.h.i.+ne it can discover on the road! The alder, as I descend into the glen, gives me notice that the first frost has visited him, as it always does, before others, to warn him that it has arrived to claim every leaf of the forest as its own. Oh, the country is the place for peace, health, beauty, and innocence. I love it, I was born in it. I lived the greater part of my life there, and I look forward to die in it.

"How different from town life is that of the country! There are duties to be performed in-door and out-door, and the inmates a.s.semble round their breakfast-table, refreshed by sleep and invigorated by the cool air, partake of their simple, plain, and substantial meal, with the relish of health, cheerfulness, and appet.i.te. The open window admits the fresh breeze, in happy ignorance of dust, noise, or fas.h.i.+onable darkness. The verandah defies rain or noon-day sun, and employment affords no room for complaint that the day is hot, the weather oppressive, the nerves weak, or the digestion enfeebled. There can be no happiness where there is an alternation of listlessness and excitement. They are the two extremes between which it resides, and that locality to my mind is the country. Care, disease, sorrow, and disappointment are common to both. They are the lot of humanity; but the children of mammon, and of G.o.d, bear them differently.

"I didn't intend to turn preacher, Doctor, but I do positively believe, if I hadn't a been a clockmaker, dear old Minister would have made me one. I don't allot, though, I would have taken in Slickville, for I actilly think I couldn't help waltzing with the galls, which would have put our folks into fits, or kept old Clay, clergymen like, to leave sinners behind me. I can't make out these puritan fellows, or evangelical boys, at all. To my mind, religion is a cheerful thing, intended to make us happy, not miserable; and that our faces, like that of nature, should be smiling, and that like birds we should sing and carol, and like lilies, we should be well arrayed, and not that our countenances should make folks believe we were chosen vessels, containing, not the milk of human kindness, but horrid sour vinegar and acid mothery grounds. Why, the very swamp behind our house is full of a plant called 'a gall's side-saddle.'1

1 This is the common name for the Sarracenia.

"Plague take them old Independents; I can't and never could understand them. I believe, if Bishop Laud had allowed them to sing through their noses, pray without gowns, and build chapels without steeples, they would have died out like Quakers, by being let alone. They wanted to make the state believe they were of consequence. If the state had treated them as if they were of no importance, they would have felt that too very soon. Opposition made them obstinate. They won't stick at nothing to carry their own ends.

"They made a law once in Connecticut that no man should ride or drive on a Sunday except to a conventicle. Well, an old Dutch governor of New York, when that was called New Amsterdam and belonged to Holland, once rode into the colony on horseback on a Sabbath day, pretty hard job it was too, for he was a very stout man, and a poor horseman.

There were no wheel carriages in those days, and he had been used to home to travel in ca.n.a.l boats, and smoke at his ease; but he had to make the journey, and he did it, and he arrived just as the puritans were coming out of meeting, and going home, slowly, stately, and solemnly, to their cold dinner cooked the day before (for they didn't think it no harm to make servants work double tides on Sat.u.r.day), their rule being to do anything of a week day, but nothing on the Sabbath.

"Well, it was an awful scandal this, and a dreadful violation of the blue laws of the young nation. Connecticut and New Amsterdam (New York) were nothing then but colonies; but the puritans owed no obedience to princes, and set up for themselves. The elders and ministry and learned men met on Monday to consider of this dreadful profanity of the Dutch governor. On the one hand it was argued, if he entered their state (for so they called it then) he was amenable to their laws, and ought to be cited, condemned, and put into the stocks, as an example to evil-doers. On the other hand, they got hold of a Dutch book on the Law of Nations, to cite agin him; but it was written in Latin, and although it contained all about it, they couldn't find the place, for their minister said there was no index to it. Well, it was said, if we are independent, so is he, and whoever heard of a king or a prince being put in the stocks? It bothered them, so they sent their Yankee governor to him to bully and threaten him, and see how he would take it, as we now do, at the present day, to Spain about Cuba, and England about your fisheries.

"Well, the governor made a long speech to him, read him a chapter in the Bible, and then expounded it, and told him they must put him in the stocks. All this time the Dutchman went on smoking, and blowing out great long puffs of tobacco. At last he paused, and said:

"'You be tamned. Stock.u.m me--stock.u.m teivel.' And he laid down his pipe, and with one hand took hold of their governor by the fore-top, and with the other drew a line across his forehead and said, 'Den I declare war, and Gooten Himmel! I shall scalp you all.'

"After delivering himself of that long speech, he poured out two gla.s.ses of Schiedam, drunk one himself, and offered the Yankee governor the other, who objected to the word Schiedam, as it terminated in a profane oath, with which, he said, the Dutch language was greatly defiled; but seeing it was also called Geneva, he would swallow it. Well, his high mightiness didn't understand him, but he opened his eyes like an owl and stared, and said, 'Dat is tam coot,'

and the conference broke up.