Nature and Human Nature Part 39

"Well," sais I, "that's not high, only cash is scarce. If you will take mackarel in pay, at six dollars a barrel (which was two dollars more than its value), p'raps we might trade. Could you sell me twenty cord?"

"Yes, may be twenty-five."

"And the mackarel?" said I.

"Oh," said he, "mackarel is only worth three dollars and a half at Halifax. I can't sell mine even at that. I have sixty barrels, number one, for sale."

"If you will promise me to let me have all the wood I want, more or less," sais I, "even if it is ever so little; or as much as thirty cords, at ten dollars a cord, real rock maple, and yellow birch, then I will take all your mackarel at three and a half dollars, money down."

"Say four," said he.

"No," sais I, "you say you can't git but three and a half at Halifax, and I won't beat you down, nor advance one cent myself. But mind, if I oblige you by buying all your mackarel, you must oblige me by letting me have all the wood I want."

"Done," said he; so we warped into the wharf, took the fish on board, and I paid him the money, and cleared fifteen pounds by the operation.

"Now," says I, "where is the wood?"

"All this is mine," said he, pointing to a pile, containing about fifty cords.

"Can I have it all," said I, "if I want it?"

He took off his cap and scratched his head; scratching helps a man to think amazingly. He thought he had better ask a little more than ten dollars, as I appeared to be so ready to buy at any price. So he said,

"Yes, you may have it all at ten and a half dollars."

"I thought you said I might have what I wanted at ten."

"Well, I have changed my mind," said he, "it is too low."

"And so have I," sais I, "I won't trade with a man that acts that way," and I went on board, and the men cast off and began to warp the vessel again up to her anchor.

Lewis took off his cap and began scratching his head again, he had over-reached himself. Expecting an immense profit on his wood, he had sold his fish very low; he saw I was in earnest, and jumped on board.

"Capitaine, you will have him at ten, so much as you want of him."

"Well, measure me off half a cord."

"What!" said he, opening both eyes to their full extent.

"Measure me off half a cord."

"Didn't you say you wanted twenty or thirty cord?"

"No," sais I, "I said I must have that much if I wanted it, but I don't want it, it is only worth three dollars, and you have had the modesty to ask ten, and then ten and a half, but I will take half a cord to please you, so measure it off."

He stormed, and raved, and swore, and threw his cap down on the deck and jumped on it, and stretched out his arm as if he was going to fight, and stretched out his wizzened face, as if it made halloing easier, and foamed at the mouth like a hoss that has eat lobelia in his hay.

"Be gar," he said, "I shall sue you before the common scoundrels (council) at Halifax, I shall take it before the sperm (supreme) court, and try it out."

"How much ile will you get," sais I, "by tryin' me out, do you think?

"Never mind," said I, in a loud voice, and looking over him at the mate, and pretending to answer him. "Never mind if he won't go on sh.o.r.e, he is welcome to stay, and we will land him on the Isle of Sable, and catch a wild hoss for him to swim home on."

The hint was electrical; he picked up his cap and ran aft, and with one desperate leap reached the wharf in safety, when he turned and danced as before with rage, and his last audible words were, "Be gar, I shall go to the sperm court and try it out."

"In the world before the Flood, you see, Doctor," said I, "they knew how to cheat as well as the present race do; the only improvement this fellow has made on the antediluvian race is, he can take himself in, as well as others."

"I have often thought," said the doctor, "that in our dealings in life, and particularly in trading, a difficult question must often arise whether a thing, notwithstanding the world sanctions it, is lawful and right. Now what is your idea of smuggling?"

"I never smuggled," said I: "I have sometimes imported goods and didn't pay the duties; not that I wanted to smuggle, but because I hadn't time to go to the office. It's a good deal of trouble to go to a custom-house. When you get there you are sure to be delayed, and half the time to git sarce. It costs a good deal; no one thanks you, and n.o.body defrays cab-hire, and makes up for lost time, temper, and patience to you--it don't pay in a general way; sometimes it will; for instance, when I left the emba.s.sy, I made thirty thousand pounds of your money by one operation. Lead was scarce in our market, and very high, and the duty was one-third of the prime cost, as a protection to the native article. So what does I do, but go to old Galena, one of the greatest dealers in the lead trade in Great Britain, and ascertained the wholesale price.

"Sais I, 'I want five hundred thousand dollars worth of lead.'

"'That is an immense order,' said he, 'Mr Slick. There is no market in the world that can absorb so much at once.'

"'The loss will be mine,' said I. 'What deductions will you make if I take it all from your house?'

"Well, he came down handsome, and did the thing genteel.

"'Now,' sais I, 'will you let one of your people go to my cab, and bring a mould I have there.'

"Well, it was done.

"'There,' said I, 'is a large bust of Was.h.i.+ngton. Every citizen of the United States ought to have one, if he has a dust of patriotism in him. I must have the lead cast into rough busts like that.'

"'Hollow,' said he, 'of course.'

"'No, no,' sais I, 'by no manner of means, the heavier and solider the better.'

"'But,' said Galena, 'Mr Slick, excuse me, though it is against my own interest, I cannot but suggest you might find a cheaper material, and one more suitable to your very laudable object.'

"'Not at all,' said I, 'lead is the very identical thing. If a man don't like the statue and its price, and it's like as not he wont, he will like the lead. There is no duty on statuary, but there is more than thirty per cent. on lead. The duty alone is a fortune of not less than thirty thousand pounds, after all expenses are paid.'

"'Well now,' said he, throwing back his head and laughing, 'that is the most ingenious device to evade duties I ever heard of.'

"I immediately gave orders to my agents at Liverpool to send so many tons to Was.h.i.+ngton and every port and place on the seaboard of the United States except New York, but not too many to any one town; and then I took pa.s.sage in a steamer, and ordered all my agents to close the consignment immediately, and let the lead hero change hands. It was generally allowed to be the handsomest operation ever performed in our country. Connecticut offered to send me to Congress for it, the folks felt so proud of me.

"But I don't call that smugglin'. It is a skilful reading of a revenue law. My idea of smugglin' is, there is the duty, and there is the penalty; pay one and escape the other if you like, if not, run your chance of the penalty. If the state wants revenue, let it collect its dues. If I want my debts got in, I attend to drummin' them up together myself; let government do the same. There isn't a bit of harm in smugglin'. I don't like a law restraining liberty. Let them that impose shackles look to the bolts; that's my idea."

"That argument won't hold water, Slick," said the doctor.

"Why?"

"Because it is as full of holes as a cullender.'

"How?"

"The obligation between a government and a people is reciprocal. To protect on the one hand, and to support on the other. Taxes are imposed, first, for the maintenance of the government, and secondly, for such other objects as are deemed necessary or expedient. The moment goods are imported, which are subject to such exactions, the amount of the tax is a debt due to the state, the evasion or denial of which is a fraud. The penalty is not an alternative at your option; it is a punishment, and that always presupposes an offence. There is no difference between defrauding the state or an individual.

Corporeality, or incorporeality, has nothing to do with the matter."