Nature and Human Nature Part 32

"'Pooh!' said she, 'you don't know nothing.'

"'Well,' sais I, 'what do you know?'

"'Why,' said she, 'I know Spanish and mathematics, ichthiology and conchology, astronomy and dancing, mineralogy and animal magnetism, and German and chemistry, and French and botany. Yes, and the use of the globes too. Can you tell me what attraction and repulsion is?'

"'To be sure I can,' said I, and I drew her on my knee and kissed her.

'That's attraction, dear.' And when she kicked and screamed as cross as two cats, 'that, my pretty one,' I said, 'is repulsion. Now I know a great many things you don't. Can you hem a pocket-handkerchief?'

"'No.'

"'Nor make a pudding?'

"'No.'

"'Nor make Kentucky batter?'

"'No.'

"'Well, do you know any useful thing in life?'

"'Yes, I do; I can sing, and play on the piano, and write valentines,'

sais she, 'so get out.' And she walked away, quite dignified, muttering to herself, 'Make a pudding, eh! well, I want to know!'

"Thinks I to myself, my pretty little may-flower, in this everlastin'

progressive nation of ourn, where the wheel of fortune never stops turning day or night, and them that's at the top one minute are down in the dirt the next, you may say, "'I want to know' before you die, and be very glad to change your tune, and say, 'Thank heaven I do know!'"

"Is that a joke of yours," said the doctor, "about the young girl's geology, or is it really a fact?"

"Fact, I a.s.sure you," said I. "And to prove it I'll tell you a story about a Female College that will show you what pains we take to spoil our young ladies to home. Miss Liddy Adams, who was proprietor and 'dentess (presidentess) of a Female College to Onionville, was a relation of mother's, and I knew her when she was quite a young shoat of a thing to Slickville. I shall never forget a flight into Egypt I caused once in her establishment. When I returned from the emba.s.sy, I stopped a day in Onionville, near her university--for that was the name she gave hern; and thinks I, I will just call and look in on Lid for old acquaintance' sake, and see how she is figuring it out in life. Well, I raps away with the knocker as loud as possible, as much as to say, Make haste, for there is somebody here, when a tall spare gall with a vinegar face opened the door just wide enough to show her profile, and hide her back gear, and stood to hear what I had to say.

I never see so spare a gall since I was raised. Pharaoh's lean kine warn't the smallest part of a circ.u.mstance to her. She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have to lean agin the wall to support herself when she scolded, and I had to look twice at her before I could see her at all, for I warn't sure she warn't her own shadow."

"Good gracious!" said the doctor, "what a description! but go on."

"'Is the mistress to home?' said I.

"'I have no mistress,' said she.

"'I didn't say you had,' sais I, 'for I knew you hadn't afore you spoke.'

"'How did you know that?' said she.

"'Because,' sais I, 'seein' so handsome a lady as you, I thought you was one of the professors; and then I thought you must be the mistress herself, and was a thinking how likely she had grow'd since I seed her last. Are you one of the cla.s.s-teachers?'

"It bothered her; she didn't know whether it was impudence or admiration; but when a woman arbitrates on a case she is interested in, she always gives an award in her own favour.

"'Walk in, Sir,' said she, 'and I will see,' and she backed and backed before me, not out of deference to me, but to the onfastened hooks of her gown, and threw a door open. On the opposite side was a large room filled with galls, peeping and looking over each other's shoulders at me, for it was intermission.

"'Are these your pupils?' sais I; and before she could speak, I went right past into the midst of 'em. Oh, what a scuddin' and screamin'

there was among them! A rocket explodin' there couldn't a done more mischief. They tumbled over chairs, upsot tables, and went head and heels over each other like anything, shouting out, 'A man! a man!'

"'Where--where?' sais I, a chasin' of them, 'show him to me, and I'll soon clear him out. What is he a doing of?'

"It was the greatest fun you ever see. Out they flew through the door at the other eend of the room, some up and some down-stairs, singing out, 'A man! a man!' till I thought they would have hallooed their daylights out. Away I flew after them, calling out, 'Where is he? show him to me, and I'll soon pitch into him!' when who should I see but Miss Liddy in the entry, as stiff and as starch as a stand-up s.h.i.+rt collar of a frosty day. She looked like a large pale icicle, standing up on its broad end, and cold enough to give you the ague to look at her.

"'Mr Slick,' said she, 'may I ask what is the meaning of all this unseemly behaviour in the presence of young ladies of the first families in the State?'

"Says I, 'Miss Adam,' for as she used the word Mr as a handle to me, I thought I'de take a pull at the Miss,' some robber or housebreaker has got in, I rather think, and scared the young feminine gender students, for they seemed to be running after somebody, and I thought I would a.s.sist them.'

"'May I ask, Sir,' a drawin' of herself up to her full height, as straight and as prim as a Lombardy poplar, or rather, a bull-rush, for that's all one size. 'May I ask, Sir, what is the object of your visit here--at a place where no gentlemen are received but the parents or guardians of some of the children.'

"I was as mad as a hatter; I felt a little bit vain of the emba.s.sy to London, and my Paris dress, particularly my boots and gloves, and all that, and I will admit, there is no use talkin', I rather kinder sorter thought she would be proud of the connection. I am a good-natured man in a general way when I am pleased, but it ain't safe to ryle me, I tell you. When I am spotty on the back, I am dangerous.

I bit in my breath, and tried to look cool, for I was determined to take revenge out of her.

"'Allow me to say, Sir,' said she, a perkin' up her mouth like the end of a silk purse, 'that I think your intrusion is as unwelcome as it is unpardonable. May I ask the favour of you to withdraw? if not, I must introduce you to the watchman.'

"'I came,' sais I, 'Miss Adam, having heard of your distinguished college in the saloons of Paris and London, to make a proposal to you; but, like a bull--'

"'Oh dear!' said she, 'to think I should have lived to hear such a horrid word, in this abode of learning!'

"'But,' I went on without stopping, 'like a bull in a chiny-shop, I see I have got into the wrong pew; so nothin' remains for me but to beg pardon, keep my proposal for where it will be civilly received, at least, and back out.'

"She was as puzzled as the maid. But women ain't throwed off their guard easily. If they are in a dark place, they can feel their way out, if they can't see it. So says she, dubious like:

"'About a child, I suppose?'

"'It is customary in Europe,' sais I, 'I believe, to talk about the marriage first, isn't it? but I have been so much abroad, I am not certified as to usages here.'

"Oh, warn't she brought to a hack! She had a great mind to order me out, but then that word 'proposal' was one she had only seen in a dictionary--she had never heard it; and it is such a pretty one, and sounded so nice to the ear; and then that word 'marriage' was used also, so it carried the day.

"'This is not a place, Mr Slick, for foundlings, I'de have you to know,' she said, with an air of disgust, 'but children whose parents are of the first cla.s.s of society. If,' and she paused and looked at me scrutinisin', 'if your proposals are of that nature, walk in here, Sir, if you please, where our conversation will not be over-heard.

Pray be seated. May I ask, what is the nature of the proposition with which you design to honour me?' and she gave me a smile that would pa.s.s for one of graciousness and sweet temper, or of encouragement. It hadn't a decided character, and was a non-committal one. She was doin'

quite the lady, but I consaited her ear was itching to hear what I had to say, for she put a finger up, with a beautiful diamond ring on it, and brushed a fly off with it; but, after all, perhaps it was only to show her lily-white hand, which merely wanted a run at gra.s.s on the after-feed to fatten it up, and make it look quite beautiful.

"'Certainly,' sais I, 'you may ask any question of the kind you like.'

"It took her aback, for she requested leave to ask, and I granted it; but she meant it different.

"Thinks I, 'My pretty grammarian, there is a little grain of difference between, 'May I ask,' and, 'I must ask.' Try it again.'

"She didn't speak for a minute; so to relieve her, sais I:

"'When I look round here, and see how charmingly you are located, and what your occupation is, I hardly think you would feel disposed to leave it; so perhaps I may as well forbear the proposal, as it isn't pleasant to be refused.'

"'It depends,' she said, 'upon what the nature of those proposals are, Mr Slick, and who makes them,' and this time she did give a look of great complacency and kindness. 'Do put down your hat, Sir. I have read your Clockmaker,' she continued; 'I really feel quite proud of the relations.h.i.+p; but I hope you will excuse me for asking, Why did you put your own name to it, and call it 'Sam Slick the Clockmaker,'

now that you are a distinguished diplomatist, and a member of our emba.s.sy at the court of Victoria the First? It's not an elegant appellation that, of Clockmaker,' sais she, 'is it?' (She had found her tongue now.) 'Sam Slick the Clockmaker, a factorist of wooden clocks especially, sounds trady, and will impede the rise of a colossal reputation, which has already one foot in the St Lawrence, and the other in the Mississippi.'

"'And sneezes in the Chesapeake,' sais I.

"'Oh,' said she, in the blandest manner, 'how like you, Mr Slick! you don't spare a joke even on yourself. You see fun in everything.'