Christmas Penny Readings Part 11

So I goes on upstairs, for I knowed the way to his room, along of having had supper with him one night--mussels and a pot of stout we had--so I didn't ring three times like a stranger, but walks up one pair, two pair, three pair stairs, and then I stops short, for the door was ajar, and I could see a gentleman's back, and hear talking; so I says to myself, "That's the doctor," I says, and I sets down on the top stair to get my wind, and then I turns quite chilly to hear poor old Tom's voice, so altered and pipy I didn't know what to make of it, as he says.

"There, sir, don't stand no more; set down. Not that chair, 'cos the leg's broke. Try t'other one. Well," he says, "I takes this as werry kind of you to come and see a poor fellow as is outer sorts and laid up--laid up! Ah! it's pretty well knacker's cart and Jack Straw's castle with me. The missus there's been cleaning and a-tidying up, and doing the best she could; but, in course, with me in it, the bed can't be turned up, and so the place can't look werry decent. I do take it as werry kind of a gent like you climbing up three pairs o' stairs o'

purpose to come and see me--it quite cheers me up. Not as I wants for visitors, for I has the 'spensary doctor, and there's four sorter journeymen preachers comes a-wherretin' me; till, as soon as I sees one on 'em coming in all in black, I thinks it's the undertaker hisself.

The doctor came half an hour ago--two hours, was it? ah, well, I've been asleep, I s'pose; and then time goes. He's left me a lot more physic and stuff, but I ain't taken it, and I ain't a-going to; for what's the use o' greasing the keb wheels when the tires is off and the spokes is all loose and rattling, and a'most ready to tumble out. 'Tain't no use whatsomever, whether they've been good ones or bad ones. It's all up; and you may wheel the keb werry gently through the yard under the shed, and leave it there, and wot odds; there's fresh 'uns a-coming out every day with all the noo improvements, so what's the use o' troubling about one as is worn out and out. There ain't no use in trying to patch when all the woodwork's worm-eaten, while the lining's clean gone; what with bad usage and bad weather; and, as to the windys, they ain't broke, but they're grown heavy and dull, and I can't see through 'em; and you'll soon see the blinds pulled down over 'em, never to come up no more-- never no more!"

Then there come a stoppage, for the pore chap's cough give it him awful, so as it was terrible to listen, and I'd ha' slipped away, ony I felt as I should like to have just a word with my poor old mate again.

"There," he says, "I've got my wind again; you see it's up hill, and this cough shakes a fellow awful. Never mind, though; I hope there's rest up a-top for even a poor fellow like me; and, do you know," he says, quite softly, "I begins to want to get there, though it does grit me to think as I can't take Polly on the box with me; but that's a hard thing to understand--that about life, and death, and 'ternity--for ever, and ever, and ever. That's what the youngest parson as comes talks to me about. Nice fellow he is; I like him, for he seems to want to light one's lamps up a bit and clear the road--seems fond of one like, and eager to give one a shove outer the block. But there; I ain't lived to six-and-sixty year without having my own thoughts about religion and that sort of thing. I know as we're all bad enough, and I s'pose a-top of the hill there it will all be reckoned against one, and kep' account on, good and bad. As I sez to Polly, after that chap had been here as is so fond of hearing hisself speak, and allus calls me 'my friend;'

'Polly,' I sez, 'it's no manner of use; I ain't a-going to turn king's evidence and try to s.h.i.+rk out of it that way: what I've done wrong will go to the bad, and what I've done right I hope will go to the good, while I'm sure no poor fellow could be more sorry than me for what's amiss.' When we goes afore Him as judges up there, sir, it will all be made light, and there won't be no feeling as justice ain't done. There won't be no big fellows in gowns and wigs a-trying to swear a chap's soul away--making a whole sarmon out of a word, and finding out things as was never before thought on at all. I've been before 'em, and examined and cross-examined, and twisted about till you don't know what your a-saying of. And so, when I thinks of all this lying still in the night, listening to the rumbling of the kebs--kebs as I shall never drive no more; why, I feels comfortable and better like; don't seem to see as it's so werry serious, as my number's been took, and I'm summoned; 'Done my dooty,' I says, 'and kep' home together as well as I could; and it would ha' been all the same if I'd ha' been born a dook, I must ha' come to it same as I'm a-coming now.' Of course I should ha'

had a finer funeral; but there, lots of fellows as I knows on the rank, chaps as is Foresters, they'll drive behind me with their windy-blines down, and a little bit o' c.r.a.pe bow on the ends o' their whips; they'll smoke it at night in their pipes, and take it werry much to 'art when they thinks on it, and puts their blines right again--but mine won't open no more now."

"Nigher I gets to the top of the hill," he says, "slower I goes; but slow and sure I'm a-making way, and shall be there some time: not to-day, p'raps, nor yet to-morrow, but some time afore long, for I knows well enough how my number's been took, and my license is about gone.

Well, sir, I drove a cab thirty year, and it was never took away afore; and so I ain't a-going to complain."

"Going, sir?" he says: "Then I'll take it as a favour, sir, if you'll just see that young genelman--the parson as I likes, and ast him to come. He left his card on the chimbley there for me to send for him when I felt to want him, and he seems to be the real doctor for my complaint. I was to send if I wanted him before he came again, and I'd rather not see them others too. That first one helps me on a bit, and somehow, I seem to want to be a-top of the hill now, and he's first-cla.s.s company for a pore chap on a dark road. Nothing like a real friend when you're in trouble, and he seems one as will help."

"Good bye, sir," he says, werry softly. "The warnish is all rubbed off, and the paint chipped and showing white and worn; the bottom's a-falling out, and the head's going fast; so once more, sir, good bye, for the old keb'll be broke up afore you comes again. Good bye, sir; you'll tell him to come here, as told of mercy and hope."

And then some one stepped softly by me, and went down the creaking stairs, and I got ready to go in; but, not feeling in a bit of a hurry, for there was something seemed to stick in my throat, and I knew I shouldn't be able to speak like a man when I got into the room, so I stops outside a bit longer; and then, when I made sure as it was all right with me once more, I steps softly in, and then stops short, when I turned worse than ever; for there, kneeling down by his bed, was poor Mrs Sizer sobbing, oh, so bitterly! and then I thought of how he said he'd like to take her on the box with him. And there, you'll laugh, I know, at calling it a beautiful sight to see them pore, plain, weather-and-time-worn people taking like a last farewell of one another; and it was no good; I daren't speak, but slowly and softly backed out, thinking about the years them two had been together working up hill, up hill always; and then it didn't seem so strange that, when one of these old folks dies, the other goes into the long, deep sleep, to be with him. And then a-going down the stairs softly and slowly, I says to myself, "there's a deal o' rough crust and hard stuff caked over us, but a pore man's heart's made of the real same material as G.o.d made those of better folks of;" and Lord bless you, sir! use him well, and you'll find the way to the heart of a cabby.

Poor Tom! he was a-top of the hill nex' day, and I never saw him again.

But he was a good sort, was Tom. Thanky sir, much obliged; merry Christmas to you!

CHAPTER TWELVE.

DRAT THE CATS.

Dumb animals would be all very well, no doubt, and I don't suppose I should have much objection to keeping one, but then where are you going to get 'em? That's what I want to know; I never come across anything dumber yet than old Job Cross's donkey, while that would shout sometimes awful, and rouse up the whole neighbourhood. No; I've got no faith in keeping dogs and cats, and birds and things in a house, and sets them all down as nuisances--sets my face against 'em regular, and so would any man who had been bothered as I have with cats.

p.u.s.s.y--p.u.s.s.y--p.u.s.s.y--p.u.s.s.y; puss--puss--puss. Oh, yes, it's all very fine. They're pretty creatures, ain't they? sleek and smooth, and furry and clean, and they'll come and rub up against you, and all so affectionate. Bother! why, they never do it unless they want to be fed, or rubbed, or warmed in the nice warm glow of the fire, or in somebody's lap. Why, see what savage little brutes they are to one another, and how they can spit and claw, and swear and growl, while their fur's all set up, their tail swelled out like a fox's, and their eyes round and bright enough to frighten you. No; I know what cats are--pretty dears.

Who licks the top of the b.u.t.ter all over, and laps up the milk--eats my bloaters, steals mutton bones off the table, pretending to be asleep till you leave the room for a moment, when she's up on the table and tearing away like a savage at your dinner or supper?

"Poor thing; it was only because it was hungry," says my wife. Perhaps it was, but then I didn't approve of it: so I gave the poor thing away.

Now, I daresay, most men's wives have got some failings in them. I mean--ain't quite perfect. You see mine ain't, and though, I daresay, she's no worse than other women, yet, she has got one of the most tiresome, aggravating, worrying ways with her that any one could come across. I don't care whether its spring, summer, autumn, or winter, or whether it's all on 'em, or none on 'em, it's allus the same, and she's no sooner got her head on the pillow, than she's off like a top--sound as can be. 'Taint no good to speak--not a bit--you may just as well spare your breath, and almost the worst of it is, she mends wrong way, and gets sleepier and sleepier the longer she lives. But that's only "almost the worst" on it; not _the_ worst of it, for the worst of it is, that she will be so aggravating, and won't own to it. Say she can't help it; well, then, why don't she own it, and tell me so--not go sticking out, as she'd only jest shet her eyes, and was as wide awake as I was.

Now, I'll jest give you a sample. We live in a part where there's cats enough to make the fortunes of five hundred millions o' d.i.c.k Whittingtons. The place is alive with 'em; scratching up your bits of gardens; sneaking in at your back doors, and stealing; making Hyde Parks and Kensington Gardens of the tops o' your wash-houses and tiles of your roof; and howling--howling--why, no mortal pusson would believe how them cats can howl. They seem to give the whole o' their minds to it, and try it one against another, to see who's got the loudest voice, and setting up such a concert as makes the old women cry, "Drat the cats."

But that ain't no good: they don't mind being dratted, not a bit of it; and if you go out into the back garden, and shy bricks, why, they only swear at you--awful.

Well, you see, we live in a very catty part, and it seems to me as if the beasts warn't fed enough, and do it out of spite, for no sooner does it get dark, than out they come, tunes their pipes, and then you can hear 'em. No matter where you are, back or front, there they are, a-going it, like hooroar, till I'm blest if it ain't half enough to drive you mad. Why, there's one old black Tom, as you can hear a mile off, and I wouldn't bet as you couldn't hear him two, for he's got a werry peculiar voice of his own. I think it's what musical people calls a tenner, though it might be a hundreder for the noise it makes.

He's an artful old brute, though, is that Tom; and I've tried to come round him scores of times, but it ain't no use, for he won't believe in me. I've taken out saucers of milk and bits of fish, all got ready on purpose for my gentleman, but do you think he'd come? No, thank you.

And as soon as ever he ketches sight of me, he shunts, he does, and goes off like an express train in front of a runaway engine.

But I was going to tell you about my wife. Now, nex' Monday's a fortni't since I come home werry tired and worn out--for porter's work at a big terminus at Christmas ain't easy, I can tell you; while, when we are off night dootey, it's only natural as one should like a quiet night's rest, which ain't much to ask for, now is it, even if a man does only get a pound a week, and a sixpence now and then, as swells make a mistake, and give you through not having read the notice up on the walls about instant dismissal, and all that? Well, tired out regularly, and ready to sleep through anything a'most, I goes to bed, and as I lays down I thinks to myself--

You may howl away, my beauties, to-night, for I can sleep through anything.

And really I thought I could, but I suppose it was through having a hyster barrel on my mind, that I couldn't go off directly--for there was one missing, and a fish hamper, both on 'em. No doubt, having been stolen by some one in the crowd on the platform; while I got the blame; and I put it to you, now, could a railway porter, having a pound a week, and Sunday dooty in his turn, have his eyes every wheres at once?

So I didn't go to sleep right off, but some one else did, and there, just outside the window, if one o' them cats didn't begin.

"Wow-w-w, wow-w-w, wow-w-w, meyow-w-w," and all such a pretty tune, finished off with a long low swear at the end.

I stood it for ten minutes good, turning first one side, and then another, pulling the clothes over my ear, and at last ramming my head right under, with my fingers stuck in my ears, but there, Lor' bless you, that was no good, for I'll warrant the song of one of them pretty, soft, furry nightingales to go through anything, and at last I finds that I was only smothering myself for nowt, and I puts my head out of the clothes again, and give a great sigh.

"Me-ow-ow-ow," says my friend on the tiles.

"Hear that, Polly?" I says.

No answer.

"Me-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow," says my friend outside.

"Hear that, Polly?" I says, for there warn't no fun in putting up with all the noise yourself, when there was some one else in the room to take half share. "Polly," I says, giving her a nudge, "hear that?"

"Eh!" she says; "what say?"

"Hear that?" I says.

"Yes," she says; "what?"

"Why, you were asleep," I says.

"That I'm sure I warn't," she says.

"Well, then, did you hear that?" I says.

"Yes; what was it?" she says.

"What was it?" I says. "There; go to sleep again," I says; for I felt quite rusty to think anybody else could sleep through such a row, while I couldn't.

"Meyow--meyow--wow--wow-w-w-w," goes the music again.

"Two on 'em," I says, as I lay listening, and there it went on getting louder and louder every moment, both sides and over the way, and up and down the street, till I'm blest if I could stand it any longer.

"Oh, you beauties," I says; "if I only had a gun." And then I lay there, listening and wondering whether I mightn't just as well get up and have a pipe; and at last of all, because I couldn't stand it any longer, I gets up, goes to the window, opens it softly, and says--

"Ss.h.!.+"

Lor' bless you! you might just as well have said nothing, for there they were a-going it all round to that degree, that it was something awful, and I stood there half dressed, and leaning out of the window, wondering what was best to be done. There was no mistake about it; there they were, cats of all sorts and sizes, and of all kinds of voices--some was very shrill, some very hoa.r.s.e, and some round and deep-toned, and meller. Now and then some one would open a winder, and cry, "Ssh," same as I did, but as soon as they smelt what a sharp frost it was, they shut them down again, and at last I did the same, and made up my mind as I crept into bed again, as I'd go where there was no cats.

Yes, that was a capital idea, that was--to move to a place where there was no cats, and on the strength of that determination, I went off fast asleep.

Next morning over my breakfast, I got thinking, and come to the conclusion, that I'd cut myself out a bit of a job. Where was I to get a little house or lodgings where there was no cats, for were not the happy, domestic creatures everywhere? No; that was of no use, but I warn't going to stand having my rest broken night after night in that way; so I mounted a trap, for I'd made up my mind, that out of revenge, I'd have a full-sized railway rug lined with scarlet cloth, while the rug itself should be of _fur_.