Mr. Punch's Life in London - LightNovelsOnl.com
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_Candidate._ Nothing whatever. I know nothing absolutely about business.
_Promoter._ Then I have much pleasure in informing you that you have been unanimously elected a member of the board of management!
[_Scene closes in until the public demands further information._
[Ill.u.s.tration: "_Perf.e.c.k Lidy_" (_who has just been ejected_). "Well, _next_ time I goes into a publickouse, I'll go somewhere where I'll be _respected_!"]
RIDDLE FOR THE CITY
Oh! why, my friend, is a joint stock Concern like, yet unlike, a clock?
Because it may be wound up; when, Alas! it doesn't go again.
THE SEAT OF IMPUDENCE.--A cabman's box.
SONG OF SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLDERS AWAITING THE ADVENT OF THE DUSTMAN.--"We _always_ use a big, big D!"
A FLOATING CAPITAL JOKE.--When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business?--When he's giving a swimming lesson.
A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A laughing-stock.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Baker._ "I shall want another ha'penny. Bread's gone up to-day."
_Boy._ "Then give us one of yesterday's."]
WHY I AM IN TOWN
Because I have long felt a strong desire to know by personal experiment what London is like at this season of the year.
Because the house requires some repairs, and I am anxious to be on the spot to look after the workpeople.
Because the progress of my book on Universal Eccentricity renders it necessary that I should pay frequent visits to the library of the British Museum.
Because I have been everywhere, and know every place.
Because the sanitary condition of the only place I at all care to go to is not altogether satisfactory.
Because my Uncle Anthony is expected home every day from Australia, and I am unwilling to be absent from town when he arrives.
Because my cousin Selina is going to be married from her stepfather's at Upper Clapton, and insists on my giving her away to the gentleman with whom she is about to penetrate into the interior of Africa.
Because I am desirous to avail myself of this opportunity of completing some statistical tables I am compiling, showing the comparative numbers of horses, carriages, and pedestrians pa.s.sing my dining-room windows on the last Sat.u.r.day in May and the last Sat.u.r.day in August respectively.
Because my eldest son is reading with a private tutor for his army examination, and I feel I am of some use to him in his studies.
Because my Aunt Philippa is detained in town by an attack of gout, and expects me to call and sit with her three times a day.
Because I am determined to put into execution my long-cherished design of thoroughly exploring the British Museum, the National Gallery, the South Kensington Museum, St. Paul's, Westminster Abbey, the public monuments, and the City churches.
Because it is pecuniarily inconvenient to me to be anywhere else.
NOTICE.--The gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, without stopping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as possible.
[Ill.u.s.tration: FOGGED.--_Cabman_ (_who thinks he has been pa.s.sing a line of linkmen_). "Is this right for Paddington?" _Linkman._ "'Course it is!
First to the right and straight on. 'Aven't I told ye that three times already? Why, you've been drivin' round this square for the last 'arf hour!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION.--_Betting Man_ (_to his Partner_).
"Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now, a man _must_ draw the line _somewhere_; and if that kind of thing goes on, you and me will 'ave to part company!"]
MISNOMERS
You start a company to make it go, It fails, and so you drop it; It didn't go but yet has gone, and so You wind it up to stop it.
Stocks in your garden you will surely find By want of rain are slaughtered; Yet many stocks have languished and declined Because they have been watered.
Suppose a company for brewing beer Should come to a cessation-- That is--"dry up" 'tis curious to hear It's called "in liquidation."
PREHISTORIC LONDON.--Some archaeologists have discovered an a.n.a.logy between the druidical wors.h.i.+p and a form of semitic idolatry. It has been surmised that the Old Bailey derives its name from having been the site of a temple of Baal.
THE RULE OF ROME.--An "Inquiring City Clerk," fresh from his Roman history, writes to ask if "S.P.Q.R." stands for "Small profits, quick returns."
