The Etiquette of To-day Part 18

Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, in which all join first in the work and later in the play. One should endeavor to do one's part of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good comrades.h.i.+p, as well as share in the fun.

One of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the picnic. This idea may be varied to suit any circ.u.mstances and any surroundings. It may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young people, or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a hot day, if the company be intellectual, or various other forms.

_Public Functions_

Men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions, such as club dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school or college graduations, receptions given by the heads of business houses on anniversaries or at openings, civil or state receptions, charitable social affairs, and the like.

As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary greatly from those of the more private affairs, but usually greater formality is observed, and there is less responsibility on the part of the public entertainers for the details of the service.

At a club reception and luncheon, the president and chief officers of the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club. When all the guests, or the most of them, have a.s.sembled, the procession to the dining-room is headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction, who is seated at his right. The other officers follow in order of rank, with the other guests in order of distinction.

After dinner, when the last course is completed and the debris removed, so that the tables present a neat appearance with their decorations intact, the president rises and raps for order. Then, after a few introductory remarks, he begins the program of the day.

These programs vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner speeches of the light and happy or only semiserious order,--unless the purpose for which all are gathered is of serious moment,--music both instrumental and vocal, by excellent performers, and the responses to the speeches, either by the president or by others of the officers who may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks. A spirit of good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering, whatever the object of it.

When one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club, or of a city, or other body of people, for the holding of a congress of any sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their stay. Such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing, should be given every a.s.sistance toward making them acquainted with the officers of the congress and club, and with the city, and every detail of provision for their comfort should be looked out for. Personal social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict with their real interest in coming, or with the advantages they may have sought in the visit, for carrying out their personal plans.

When one is a guest on such an occasion, he should remember that while his entertainment may have been official, his obligation for it is personal, and that he should personally thank his hosts and, in particular, his special host and hostess, as if he had been their only guest. No matter how absorbing the business of the congress or conference, no matter how strenuous his own official duties, his obligation socially is imperative, and must be met.

When one is a member of the graduating cla.s.s of a school or college, or of any small group of people who, as a society, are entertaining, one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest. This does not mean that one is responsible to every guest, to see that he or she is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal responsibilities to his own guests, he should be, at all the public functions, in the att.i.tude of host to any stranger to whom he may show even the slightest hospitality.

As for his own guests, there are one or two points of special courtesy because of the nature of the entertainment. If he is inviting young women, or even only one, to whom he intends to give his whole, or a large part of his time, he must also invite her mother or chaperon.

This rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate, for the graduate of the men's college, and for the man graduate of a co-educational university.

In addition to the usual provision for guests, he must provide for their entertainment overnight or during their stay, if they be from the distance. He should, in addition, and early in their visit, acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs.

These customs are distinctive with each college, and their etiquette should be made clear to one who, though unused to them, is about to share them.

CHAPTER X

DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON

THE need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are large populations, and people are necessarily of many cla.s.ses and unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as strictly adhered to as that of the cities.

The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor subst.i.tute for the rightful care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of several mothers.

Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant experiences.

When a group of young people go to some public place of amus.e.m.e.nt or instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a protection against criticism.

The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or mother would be present during the whole of the call. For debutante daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.

It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without immediate family and who has been already in society more than one season. The duenna who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon, ordinarily accompanies her.

It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,--through loss of relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business calling or profession,--and that they are not, in general, treated with less respect than the young woman carefully guarded in her home.

It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of a careful observance of conventions.

Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if at all, and never without an older married woman to a.s.sist her. She may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home,"

provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present, she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.

In fas.h.i.+onable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and ever-present personage. Wherever the young debutante goes in society,--to every place of amus.e.m.e.nt, when walking or driving in the park, when shopping or calling,--and during her calling hours at home, the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant.

The common usage of smaller towns, seash.o.r.e places, and country villages differs in degree of attendance. The only wise rule is to follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be, remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this connection is better than too lax.

The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his children and their a.s.sociates to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and a safeguard against that group folly towards which the irresponsibility of youth tends.

Until a girl makes her debut in society, she is not seen at a party of adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening.

Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the attendant of the young couple in fas.h.i.+onable circles, when they go to any place of public amus.e.m.e.nt.

CHAPTER XI

THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT

IT is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's friends.h.i.+p; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a crisis.

_The Proposal_

In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.

One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to do.

No woman should permit a friends.h.i.+p to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already engaged, she should tell him so.

If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency of response is determined by the importance to the sender.

The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely rude, and should be done under no circ.u.mstances but flagrant breach of confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal representatives, to be acted on as they think best.

The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and woman, having pa.s.sed through this experience together, can fail to have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each other's character.

In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself.

So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter, there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really well-bred and n.o.ble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his advances.

The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of high ideals.

When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and, because it is essential for those who are to marry to become thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people, for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.

The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband, and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of amus.e.m.e.nt or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty, or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.

As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them embarra.s.sed. They should not spend too much time with each other.

Their hostess will send them out to dinner together,--which is in marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should be careful not to permit her fiance to take her away in a corner from other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote himself to one.