The Etiquette of To-day Part 15

One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without being thought forward or intrusive, and also may respond to such greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance does not imply or demand recognition elsewhere.

A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, will decide quickly what dishes she wishes, and order them distinctly but quietly. She will wait patiently to be served, without any display of embarra.s.sment. It is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not good taste to bring books to the table at any time. If she desires a dish which she sees, but the name of which she does not know, she will not point to it, but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and her description.

If she has friends or makes table acquaintances, she will talk with them in a low tone. She will never talk with some one at another table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such as the pa.s.sing of food, is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman, she will express her thanks, but will not start a conversation.

The usual good manners of cultivated people, emphasized by the additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes, is a safe standard of etiquette in a hotel.

CHAPTER VIII

THE ART OF BEING A GUEST

JUST as the host and hostess, in sending out an invitation, obligate themselves to make everything as enjoyable as possible for their guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself or herself to meet the efforts of the host and hostess at least halfway. Success in the art of being a guest depends more upon the spirit in which one accepts of entertainment than upon the entertainment offered.

A formal dinner is one of the most solemn obligations of society.

After having once accepted the invitation, only death or mortal illness is an excuse for not attending.

One may attend a formal reception and not expend more than twenty minutes of time, if one wishes to be very prompt. The round of social duty there is brief. A lady removes her wrap, but not her hat or gloves, in the dressing-room, and thence goes directly to the drawing-room. The guest here greets the host and hostess, briefly if the reception is large and the flow of incoming guests constant, then pa.s.ses to the room where the refreshments are served. After partaking of these, the guest may leave without bidding adieu to the hostess, unless the reception is small and she is free to speak a second time with her guests.

If one is present at an afternoon tea or reception, it is not always necessary to call afterwards; yet, many hostesses expect such a call if the affair has been formal. One should certainly call after a tea given to introduce a debutante, or a wedding reception, or one given in honor of some special person or event.

If a guest is not pleased with the food provided at a luncheon or dinner, or for any special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he should try and satisfy himself with something else, and make no comment upon it, doing his utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking that she has not well provided for him.

At a dancing party a young man should a.s.sist his hostess in seeing that all the young ladies have an equal chance to dance, and that none are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth of partners. His obligation to his hostess and to society should be thus honored, as it is not, of course, a private affair for his own amus.e.m.e.nt, and as upon him, more than upon the young women, depends its success.

It is necessary that introductions be freely made at a dancing party, in order that all may enjoy the evening, and every one should try to make all his friends acquainted with each other.

A young woman remains seated by the side of her chaperon until asked to dance. After a dance her partner returns with her to the chaperon.

If the son of the hostess requests a dance of a young woman, she should give it unless her program is quite full. If for any reason she refuses a dance to one man, she should not give it to another, but should sit it out. A woman, having once promised a dance, should fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in which case she will dance no more during the evening. The young man who is thus refused is free, having returned with her to her chaperon, to seek another partner.

Unless a young couple are engaged to each other, they should not dance together so often as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear into secluded corners and sit out dances. It is poor taste and very questionable etiquette, even if engaged.

When asked to dance, a woman hands the man her program, saying, "I am not engaged for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to you."

After the dance the man may thank the woman for it, and she may make some remark to express her pleasure in it.

If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for the promised dance, he should make profuse apologies.

A man dances first with the woman he escorts, or with the daughters of the hostess, or her guests in the house. Afterward he may choose for himself, always remembering that he should a.s.sist his hostess in giving a good time to all.

A woman always makes the first move toward going home at every social gathering. At a dance it is not necessary to say good-night to the hostess unless there is a good opportunity.

If a man is suddenly called away, he should try to find partners for the ladies with whom he engaged dances, and should explain his leaving to them.

It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant custom, for a man to send flowers to the young woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing party. When she is his fiancee, it is especially appropriate and appreciated.

When one is on a visit, or at a house or weekend party, one has to follow the style of dress of the people whom one is visiting, so no hard and fast rules can be laid down. One should have suitable garments for each of the forms of recreation which one is to enjoy, and should follow quite closely the requirements of the hour.

When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily draped veils are necessary. For mountain visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps will be in demand, than are used in the city. When it is the custom to dress for dinner, one should always adhere to it, and so plan one's hours that nothing interferes with so doing and being prompt as well.

A guest should not claim the entire time of her hostess. The hours between breakfast and lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her household and family duties, and the guest should entertain herself during them.

No guest should ever accept an invitation to an entertainment, a drive, or any other amus.e.m.e.nt without first consulting with her hostess. If, having friends in the same city or town, she has invitations from them for special occasions, she should inform her hostess of them promptly, that two plans may not be made for the same date.

Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble, she never suggests retiring. That is the duty of the hostess.

A guest should take pains to arrive when expected. If she has promised a visit, she should keep her promise, unless matters of serious illness or grave moment forbid it, in which case a prompt and explanatory apology is imperative.

The guest should decide with her hostess, early in her stay, upon the date of her departure, if that has not been already settled in the form of the invitation, and should then abide rigidly by it, allowing nothing but the most earnest importunity on the part of her hostess personally, and for clearly shown and newly arising reasons, to detain her longer.

The guest should be pleased and well entertained with everything that is done for her amus.e.m.e.nt, or should appear to be so. If she cannot give herself up to the enjoyment of the sort of entertainment which her host and hostess provide, she should not accept the invitation to visit them.

The guest should be punctual at meals and conform in every particular to the ways of the household. She should not arrive in the living-room or drawing-room at hours when there will be none to entertain her, and when it would embarra.s.s her hostess to know that she was unattended.

To sit up after the family has gone to bed, to lie in bed after the entire family have risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an important letter or doing some mending when the carriage is at the door for a drive, or wish to go to drive when the carriage has been dismissed, to be too tired to attend the dinner or reception given in one's honor, to fail to keep appointments for the stroll or some sport because one wants to do something else,--these things show a total lack of consideration on the part of the guest, and make it impossible to enjoy her stay or wish for her return.

At times which seem appropriate it is well to retire to one's room and leave the family by themselves. It is not necessary for the family life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to the guest. Hospitality would be more generously shown if it did not make so many unnecessary demands upon the time and comfort of the members of the family.

The guest should never take sides in any family discussion, and if anything unpleasant occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not seem to know anything about it or take any interest in it.

It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to one's hosts to retail any information one may have acquired on a visit, or discuss their characteristics and management with any one.

A guest need not attend religious services, or be present at the calls of commonplace people, or enter into local philanthropies, unless he wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him from all sense of obligation in these matters. If, however, carriages are provided so that guests may attend church, or guests are told of the hour for family wors.h.i.+p and are invited to be present, it is more courteous to attend.

Guests at country houses should be willing to take hold and help in any emergency, such as the absence or sickness of the servants, and should be willing to join heartily in the country frolics where work is usually to be shared by all.

In the country people visit in large parties, so when one is invited to go on an excursion or with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one should not hesitate for fear of being one too many.

One should follow the wish of the host or hostess in regard to giving the servants some gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted rule to the contrary, it is well to give, when leaving, a small gift of money to such of the servants as have been especially helpful. One should always treat servants with consideration and kindness, if not with generosity. It is better to be less lavish with money and more painstaking in remembering personally the people who have served you, renewing acquaintance with them if opportunity offers, treating them in a human way, and not with the indifference with which you would treat a mechanism.

If a gift is given, it should be done unostentatiously. The tactful, quiet way of doing it, free from patronage, and showing only good-will and grat.i.tude for service rendered, is the only polite way. Money never compensates for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentleman or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of the feelings of even an incompetent servant.

CHAPTER IX

THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS

HOSPITALITY is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.

The pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one which admits of great enjoyment. The man of the house tries to be at home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner. The young people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion. The friends, who are out calling or on their way home, drop in for a pleasant chat; and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of friends, and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need of cheer, who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of welcome.

The custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and hospitable one. If one has such an "At Home" day, it is more polite for friends to call on that day than on any other. If a lady has, however, sent out cards announcing that she is "At Home" on "Wednesdays in January and February," one should not call on those days unless one has received the card having the special invitation.

Some receive once a month during the season. They have the day engraved on their card, as "The first Friday until Lent," or "The second Wednesday until April."