The American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness and Fashion Part 40

Never let the worker falter, Nor his cause--for hope is strong; He shall live a monarch glorious In the people's coming throng.

There's a sound comes from the future, Like the sound of many lays; FREEDOM _strikes her harp for toilers_, Loud as when the thunder plays!"

While on this subject, permit me to call your attention to a matter which, though of minor importance, is not unworthy of consideration. Men with but little knowledge of the world are apt to _betray their occupation by their manner and conversation--to smell of the shop_, as it is often, somewhat coa.r.s.ely, expressed. Thus, an _artist_ will talk habitually of such matters as arrest the peculiar perceptions he has quickened into acuteness by culture, and even use the technicalities of language which, though familiar to him, may be, and probably are, unintelligible to persons of general cultivation only. A _physician_ will sometimes go about with a heavy, ivory-headed cane, and a grand, pompous look, which may, perchance, be _professional_, but it is not the less absurd, unless as a means of impressing the vulgar; and he often falls into the impression that any sacrifice to the Graces, or any regard for the weaknesses of humanity, when in a sick-room, are entirely beneath his dignity. _Lawyers_ will use Latin phrases, and legal technicalities, in the society of ladies, and the _gentlemen of the black cloth_ not only carry the pulpit into the drawing-room, but permit themselves to be lionized by devout old women, and sentimental young ones, into the best seat in an apartment, or a carriage, the t.i.t-bits at table, and a sum-total of mawkish man-wors.h.i.+p. As I have said, all this savors of _ignorance of the world_, as it does of latent egotism, and deficient self-respect. Note, therefore, the probable effects--when unrestrained by self-scrutiny--of _moving in a limited sphere of action_, and always bear in mind that your individual occupations and interests, though of great personal importance, are comparatively insignificant in the consideration of others; that you yourself make, when viewed from a general stand-point, but _a single unit_ of the great ma.s.s to whom your interests, purposes, and merits, are matters alike of profound indifference and unquestioning ignorance.

"No man," says Jean Paul, _the only one_, as the Germans call him, "can live piously or die righteously without a wife;" and one of the most celebrated observers of human nature among our own countrymen, has bequeathed us the recorded opinion that an early marriage with an amiable and virtuous woman is, next to a firm religious faith, the best safeguard to the happiness and principles of a young man.

In our prosperous land, where the means of living are diversified almost equally with the necessities of life, it is far less hazardous to a.s.sume the responsibilities arising from early marriage, than in other countries. Everything is, in a certain sense, precocious here. Extreme youth is no barrier to independence of effort and position--none to self-reliance and success. It may be questioned whether the tax thus prematurely imposed upon the intellect, as well as the physique, does not, in some degree, tend, not only to eventual mediocrity of power, but to quickened diminution of the vital energies.

Hence it is, doubtless, well to adopt the _golden mean_ in regard to every important step in life. And though I would by no means counsel you not to marry until you have acc.u.mulated a fortune, I would strenuously advise you to possess yourselves of something like a prospective certainty of maintenance, and of sound knowledge of human nature and of _yourself_, before so far committing your future happiness.

One prominent cause of the mult.i.tude of unhappy unions, I am persuaded, is the ignorance of their own true characters with which young persons are so frequently united. Wholly immature in body and mind, when they commence married life, as they develop, under the influence of time and circ.u.mstance, they awaken to the discovery of an irreconcilable difference, not only in taste, sentiment, and opinion, but, what is worse, in principle. This is one extreme. On the contrary, the marriage of persons of decided character, before habit has rendered it difficult to mould themselves into conformity with the peculiarities from which none are exempt, is desirable. The sooner those who are to tread the path of life side by side, learn the a.s.similation that shall render the way smoother and easier to both, the greater will be their share of earthly contentment; and this will be most readily achieved, no doubt, while youthful pliancy and adaptability still exist.

Every discriminating, self-informed man, should be the best judge of the essential requisites for domestic happiness, in his individual case.

Such an one will not need to be reminded that all abstract or generally-applicable rules must needs be modified, in many instances, for personal usefulness. But no one will question the desirableness of _health_, _good temper_, and _education_, in the companion of domestic life.

By education, I do not mean an acquaintance with all, or even with any one, of what are termed _accomplishments_. A woman may be well-informed, and self-disciplined, to a degree that will render her an admirable wife for a man of sense, without being able to speak any but her vernacular tongue, or play upon any instrument, save that _harp of a thousand strings--the Human Heart_!

Do not understand me as undervaluing the graceful embellishments of social and domestic life, as presented by the lovelier part of creation.

I wish only to express, in my plain, blunt way, the conviction that the most elegant and varied accomplishments are a very poor equivalent for _poverty of the head and heart_, in the woman who is to become the friend and counsellor to whom you will look for enduring, discriminating affection and sympathy, as well when the trials, the cares, and the sorrows of mortal existence shall lower heavily over you, as while you mutually dance along amid the flowers and the suns.h.i.+ne of youth.

A career of fas.h.i.+onable idleness, irresponsibility, and dissipation, is not a desirable prelude to the systematic routine of quiet duties essential to the home-happiness of a man of moderate resources and retired habits. It may be questioned whether a woman who has been long accustomed to the adulation and the excitement of a crowd, will be content to find enjoyment, sufficient and enduring, in the simple pleasures which alone will be at her command, thus circ.u.mstanced.

But, while even the incentives afforded by all the affection of which such an ephemeral being is capable, will render conformity to this new position difficult of attainment, she who is early accustomed to look thoughtfully upon life as beautiful and bright indeed, but as involving serious responsibilities and solemn obligations, will bring to a union with one of similar perceptions and principles, a sense of right and duty, which, if strengthened by a commingling of hearts, will make it no discouraging task to her to _begin with her husband where he begins_.

Such an one will be content to tread on at an even pace beside him, through the roughness that may beset his progress, cheerfully encountering obstacles, resolute to conquer or endure, as the case may be; and ever fully imbued with that patient, hopeful, loving spirit, whose motto is "bear one another's burdens."

You will think it more consistent with the caution of an old man, than the ardor natural to a young one, that I should advise you to pay proper respect to the claims of the relations or guardians of any lady to whom you wish to pay your addresses. I will, nevertheless, venture to a.s.sert that, for many reasons, you will, in after life, have reason to congratulate yourself upon pursuing a manly, open, honorable course in relation to every feature of this important era in your career.

A friends.h.i.+p with a woman considerably older than himself (if she be married, it will be all the better) and especially if he have not older sisters, or is separated from them, is of incalculable advantage to a young man, when based upon true principles of thought and action,--not only in relation to subjects especially pertaining to affairs of the heart, but respecting a thousand nameless practical matters, as well as of mental culture, taste, sentiment, and conventional proprieties. Such a female friend--matured by the advantages of nature and circ.u.mstances--will secure you present enjoyment of an elevated character, together with constant benefit and improvement, and expect from you, in return for the great good she renders you, only those graceful courtesies and attentions which a man of true good-breeding always regards as equally obligatory and agreeable.

Let there be, however, a certain _gravity_ mingled with the manifestations of regard you exhibit towards all married women, the dominance of _respect_ in your manner towards them, and never permit any consideration to induce you to forget the established right of every husband to sanction or not, at his pleasure, the most abstractly unexceptionable friends.h.i.+p between his wife and another man.

Every man with a nice sense of honor, will indicate, by his prevailing bearing and language towards women a _felt_ distinction between the intentions of friends.h.i.+p, and those of a suitor or lover. And while he observes towards all women, and under all circ.u.mstances, the respectful courtesy due to them, he will not hesitate to make his purpose intelligible, _where he has conceived sufficient esteem to engender matrimonial intentions_. Proper self-respect, as well as the consideration due to a lady and her friends, demands this.

I repeat, that no degree of devotion to one, excuses incivility to other female acquaintances in society; and I will add that the most acceptable attentions to a woman of sense and delicacy, are not those that render her generally conspicuous, but such as express an ever-present remembrance of her comfort and a quick discernment of her real feelings and wishes.

So in the matter of presents, and similar expressions of politeness, good taste will dictate no lavish expenditure, unwarranted by pecuniary resources, and inconsistent with the general surroundings of either party, but rather a prevailing harmony that will be really a juster tribute to the object of your regard, as well as a more creditable proof of your own tact and judgment. All compliments, whether thus expressed, or by word of mouth, should be characterized by delicate discrimination and punctilious respect. It is said that women judge of character by details: certain it is that what may seem trifles to us, often sensibly influence their opinions of men. Their perceptions are so keen, their sensibilities so acute, in comparison with ours, that we would err materially in estimating them by the same gauge we apply to each other, and thus the mysteries of the female heart will always remain in a degree insoluble, even to the acutest masculine penetration.

But though the nicest shades of sentiment and feeling may escape our coa.r.s.er perceptions, we need no unusual discernment to perceive the effects of kindness, gentleness, and forbearance in our domestic relations. "I cannot much esteem the man," Rowland Hill remarked, "whose wife, children, and servants, and even the cat and dog, are not sensibly happier for his presence." Depend upon it, no fabled Genii could confer on you a talisman so effective as the power bestowed by the enshrinement in your heart of the _Law of Kindness_. In proportion to the delicacy of woman's organization is her susceptibility to such influence, and he who carelessly outrages the exquisite sensibilities that make the peculiar charm of her nature, will too often learn, when the lesson brings with it only the bitterness of experience,

----"how light a cause May move dissension between hearts that love."

Shun, then, as you would the introduction into your physical system of an insidious but irradicable poison,

"_The first slight swerving of the heart, That words are powerless to express!_"

But while you seek to ill.u.s.trate your constant remembrance that you have, by the act of marriage, "bound yourself to be good-humored, affable, discreet, forgiving, patient, and joyful, with respect to frailties and imperfections to the end of life," bear in mind, also, that your influence over another imposes duties of various kinds upon you, and that you should use that influence with far-sighted wisdom, to produce the greatest ultimate good. Thus you will be convinced that it is the truest kindness to minister to the _intellect_ and the _affections_ of woman, rather than to her vanity, and that in proportion as you a.s.sist her to exalt her _higher nature_ into dominance, will you be rewarded by a spirit-union commensurate to the most exalted necessities of your own.

I have known men, in my time, who seemed to have a fixed belief that all manifestations of the gentler instincts of humanity are unworthy of the dignity of manhood, and who, by habitually repressing all exhibitions of natural emotion, had apparently succeeded in steeling their hearts, as well against all softening external impressions as to the inspiration of the "still, sad music of" their better selves. All elevated emotions, whether of an affectionate or religious character, are too sacred for general observance: "When thou prayest, enter into thy closet and _shut the door_," was the direction of our great Teacher, and so with the _religion of the heart_ (if you will permit me the phrase), it would be desecrated, were it possible--which from its very nature it is not--to parade its outward tokens to indifferent eyes. And yet I return to a prior stand-point and insist that there is a middle-ground, even here, the _juste milieu_, as the French say.--_Apropos_--the ancient Romans used the same word to designate _family affection_ and _piety_.

Intimately connected with the happiness of domestic life is the due consideration of _pecuniary affairs_.

But, before we proceed to their discussion, let me, as long a somewhat scrutinizing observer of the varying phases of social life, in our own country especially, enter my earnest protest against the practice so commonly adopted by newly-married persons, of _boarding_, in place of at once establis.h.i.+ng for themselves the distinctive and enn.o.bling prerogatives of HOME. Language and time would alike fail me in an endeavor to set forth the manifold evils inevitably growing out of this fas.h.i.+onable system. Take the advice of an old man, who has tested theories by prolonged experience, and at once establish your _Penates_ within four walls, and under a roof that will, at times, exclude all who are not properly denizens of your household, upon a.s.suming the rights and obligations of married life. Do not be deterred from this step by the conviction that you cannot shrine your home-deities upon pedestals of marble. _Cover their bases with flowers_--G.o.d's free gift to all--and the plainest support will suffice for them, if it be but _firm_.

With right views of the true aims and enjoyments of life, it will be no impossible achievement to establish your household appointments within the limits of your income, whatever that may be, and to entertain the conviction that the duty of providing for possible, if not probable, future contingencies, is imperative with those who have a.s.sumed conjugal and paternal responsibilities.

Firm adherence to such a system of living will bring with it a thousand collateral pleasures and privileges, and secure the only true independence. Nothing is more unworthy than the sacrifice of genuine hospitality, taste, and refinement, to the requisitions of mere fas.h.i.+on, in such arrangements; no thraldom so degrading as that imposed by the union of poverty and false pride. What latent egotism, too, in the pre-supposed idea that the world at large takes careful cognizance of the individualizing specialities of any man, save when he trenches on the reserved rights of others.

True self-respect, then, as well as enlarged perceptions of real life, will dictate a judicious adjustment of means to desired results, and teach the willing adoption of safe moderation in all.

Happily, _comfort_ and _refinement_ may be secured without ruinous expenditure, even by the most modest beginners in housekeeping.

Industry, ingenuity and taste, will lend embellishment to the simplest home, and the young, at least, can well afford to dispense with enervating luxury and pretentious display.

With due deference to individual taste, I would commend the cultivation and gratification of a _love of books and works of art_, in preference to the purchase of costly furniture, mirrors, and the like. Fine prints (which are preferable to indifferent paintings) are now within obtainable reach, by many who permit themselves few indulgences, comparatively, and everything having a tendency to foster the aesthetical perceptions and enjoyments of children, and to exalt these gratifications into habitual supremacy over the grosser pleasures of sense, or the exhibitions of vanity, is worthy of regard. And as no avoidable demands of the outer life should be permitted to diminish the resources of either the heart or the mind, well-selected _books_ will take high rank among the belongings of a well-appointed house.

To sum up all, my dear friends, if you aim at rational happiness, let there be what is artistically termed _keeping_ in your whole system of life. Let your style of dress, your mode of housekeeping, and entertaining, your relaxations, amus.e.m.e.nts, occupations, and resources, be harmoniously combined.

"Where and how is the most charming of Jewesses?" I asked one morning of an old friend, upon whom I had been making an unreasonably early call, rising to go.

"Here, sir, and very well," responded a cheerful voice from an adjoining room. "Will you not come in a moment?"

The smiling "home-mother" opened wide the half-open door through which my queries had been answered, and seconded her daughter's invitation.

There sat my fair young friend, with a small table before her, covered with sewing materials, and a huge overcoat upon her lap. She was in a simple, neat morning-dress, and plying the needle with great industry.

She apologized for not rising to receive me, but not for continuing her occupation after I seated myself.

"As busily engaged as ever, I see," said I.

"Rather more so than usual, just now. Fred has come home in a very dilapidated condition."

"And you are repairing him. But what are you doing with that huge, bearish-looking coat? It's as much as you can do to lift it, I should judge."

"Oh, I've been putting in new front-facings and sleeve-linings, and fixing it up a little," returned she. "But, Colonel, do tell me, have you read Macaulay's second volume?"

I replied that I had dipped into it, and added: "But, before we discuss Macaulay, I want you to tell me how you learned to be so accomplished a tailoress?"

"Rebecca can do anything she wishes," said her mother, in a soft, gentle voice, "_the heart is a good teacher_."

"Thank you, mother," rejoined the sweet girl, "Colonel Lunettes will make allowance for your natural partiality."

"I would, were it necessary, my dear," I answered, "but I can decide for myself in your case."

A bow, a blush, and a pleasant laugh responded, and, rising, she deposited the heavy garment she had been repairing, upon the arm of a chair, and immediately reseating herself, placed a large basket full of woollen stockings, at her side, threaded a stout alderman-like-looking darning needle with thick yarn, and began to mend a formidable hole in one of the socks. Her brother is an engineer, and I divined at a glance, that those strong, warm things were, like the blanket-coat, part of his outfit for a campaign in the swamps.

"I am delighted with Macaulay's elaborate sketches of individuals,"