Searchlights on Health: Light on Dark Corners Part 11

20. Avoid picking your teeth at the table if possible; but if you must, do it, if you can, where you are not observed.

21. If an accident of any kind soever should occur during dinner, the cause being who or what it may, you should not seem to note it.

22. Should you be so unfortunate as to overturn or to break anything, you should make no apology. You might let your regret appear in your face, but it would not be proper to put it in words.

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Social Duties.

Man in Society is like a flower, Blown in its native bed. 'Tis there alone His faculties expanded in full bloom s.h.i.+ne out, there only reach their proper use.--COWPER.

The primal duties s.h.i.+ne aloft like stars; The charities that soothe, and heal, and bless, Are scatter'd at the feet of man like flowers.--WORDSWORTH.

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[Ill.u.s.tration: GIVING A PARLOR RECITATION.]

1. MEMBERs.h.i.+P IN SOCIETY.--Many fail to get hold of the idea that they are members of society. They seem to suppose that the social machinery of the world is self-operating. They cast their first ballot with an emotion of pride, perhaps, but are sure to pay their first tax with a groan. They see political organizations in active existence; the parish, and the church, and other important bodies that embrace in some form of society all men, are successfully operated; and yet these young men have no part or lot in the matter. They do not think of giving a day's time to society.

2. BEGIN EARLY.--One of the first things a young man should do is to see that he is acting his part in society. The earlier this is begun the better. I think that the opponents of secret societies in colleges have failed to estimate the benefit which it must be to every member to be obliged to contribute to the support of his particular organization, and to a.s.sume personal care and responsibility as a member. If these societies have a tendency to teach the lessons of which I speak, they are a blessed thing.

3. DO YOUR PART.--Do your part, and be a man among men. a.s.sume your portion of social responsibility, and see that you discharge it well. If you do not do this, then you are mean, and society has the right to despise you just as much as it chooses to do so. You are, to use a word more emphatic than agreeable, a sneak, and have not a claim upon your neighbors for a single polite word.

4. A WHINING COMPLAINER.--Society, as it is called, is far more apt to pay its dues to the individual than the individual to society. Have you, young man, who are at home whining over the fact that you cannot get into society, done anything to give you a claim to social recognition? Are you able to make any return for social recognition and social privileges? Do you know anything? What kind of coin do you propose to pay in the discharge of the obligation which comes upon you with social recognition? In other words, as a return for what you wish to have society do for you, what can you do for society? This is a very important question--more important to you than to society. The question is, whether you will be a member of society by right, or by courtesy. If you have so mean a spirit as to be content to be a beneficiary of society--to receive favors and to confer none--you have no business in the society to which you aspire. You are an exacting, conceited fellow.

5. WHAT ARE YOU GOOD FOR?--Are you a good beau, and are you willing to make yourself useful in waiting on the {67} ladies on all occasions? Have you a good set of teeth, which you are willing to show whenever the wit of the company gets off a good thing? Are you a true, straightforward, manly fellow, with whose healthful and uncorrupted nature it is good for society to come in contact? In short, do you possess anything of any social value?

If you do, and are willing to impart it, society will yield itself to your touch. If you have nothing, then society, as such, owes you nothing.

Christian philanthropy may put its arm around you, as a lonely young man, about to spoil for want of something, but it is very sad and humiliating for a young man to be brought to that. There are people who devote themselves to nursing young men, and doing them good. If they invite you to tea, go by all means, and try your hand. If, in the course of the evening, you can prove to them that your society is desirable, you have won a point.

Don't be patronized.

6. THE MORBID CONDITION.--Young men, you are apt to get into a morbid state of mind, which declines them to social intercourse. They become devoted to business with such exclusiveness, that all social intercourse is irksome.

They go out to tea as if they were going to jail, and drag themselves to a party as to an execution. This disposition is thoroughly morbid, and to be overcome by going where you are invited, always, and with a sacrifice of feeling.

7. THE COMMON BLUNDER.--Don't shrink from contact with anything but bad morals. Men who affect your unhealthy minds with antipathy, will prove themselves very frequently to be your best friends and most delightful companions. Because a man seems uncongenial to you, who are squeamish and foolish, you have no right to shun him. We become charitable by knowing men. We learn to love those whom we have despised by rubbing against them.

Do you not remember some instance of meeting a man or woman whom you had never previously known or cared to know--an individual, perhaps, against whom you have entertained the strongest prejudices--but to whom you became bound by a lifelong friends.h.i.+p through the influence of a three days'

intercourse? Yet, if you had not thus met, you would have carried through life the idea that it would be impossible for you to give your fellows.h.i.+p to such an individual.

8. THE FOOLISHNESS OF MAN.--G.o.d has introduced into human character infinite variety, and for you to say that you do not love and will not a.s.sociate with a man because he is unlike you, is not only foolish but wrong. You are to remember that in the precise manner and decree in which {68} a man differs from you, do you differ from him; and that from his standpoint you are naturally as repulsive to him, as he, from your standpoint, is to you. So, leave all this talk of congeniality to silly girls and transcendental dreamers.

[Ill.u.s.tration: GATHERING ORANGES IN THE SUNNY SOUTH.]

9. DO BUSINESS IN YOUR WAY AND BE HONEST.--Do your business in your own way, and concede to every man the privilege which you claim for yourself.

The more you mix with men, the less you will be disposed to quarrel, and the more charitable and liberal will you become. The fact that you do not understand a man, is quite as likely to be your fault as his. There are a good many chances in favor of the conclusion that, if you fail to like an individual whose acquaintance you make it is through your own ignorance and illiberality. So I say, meet every man honestly; seek to know him; and you will find that in those points in which he differs from you rests his power to instruct you, enlarge you, and do you good. Keep your heart open for everybody, and be sure that you shall have your reward. You shall find a jewel under the most uncouth exterior; and a.s.sociated with homeliest manners and oddest ways and ugliest faces, you will find rare virtues, fragrant little humanities, and inspiring heroisms.

10. WITHOUT SOCIETY, WITHOUT INFLUENCE.--Again: you can have no influence unless you are social. An unsocial man is as devoid of influence as an ice-peak is of verdure. It is through social contact and absolute social value alone that you can accomplish any great social good. It is through the invisible lines which you are able to attach to the minds with which you are brought into a.s.sociation alone that you can tow society, with its deeply freighted interests, to the great haven of your hope.

11. THE REVENGE OF SOCIETY.--The revenge which society takes upon the man who isolates himself, is as terrible as it is inevitable. The pride which sits alone will have the privilege of sitting alone in its sublime disgust till it drops into the grave. The world sweeps by the man, carelessly, remorselessly, contemptuously. He has no hold upon society, because he is no part of it.

12. THE CONCLUSION OF THE WHOLE MATTER.--You cannot move men until you are one of them. They will not follow you until they have heard your voice, shaken your hand, and fully learned your principles and your sympathies. It makes no difference how much you know, or how much you are capable of doing. You may pile accomplishment upon acquisition mountain high; but if you fail to be a social man, demonstrating to society that your lot is with the rest, a {69} little child with a song in its mouth, and a kiss for all and a pair of innocent hands to lay upon the knees, shall lead more hearts and change the direction of more lives than you.

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Politeness.

1. BEAUTIFUL BEHAVIOR.--Politeness has been described as the art of showing, by external signs, the internal regard we have for others. But one may be perfectly polite to another without necessarily paying a special regard for him. Good manners are neither more nor less than beautiful behavior. It has been well said that "a beautiful form is better than a beautiful face, and a beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures--it is the finest of the fine arts."

2. TRUE POLITENESS.--The truest politeness comes of sincerity. It must be the outcome of the heart, or it will make no lasting impression; for no amount of polish can dispense with truthfulness. The natural character must be allowed to appear, freed of its angularities and asperities. Though politeness, in its best form, should resemble water--"best when clearest, most simple, and without taste"--yet genius in a man will always cover many defects of manner, and much will be excused to the strong and the original.

Without genuineness and individuality, human life would lose much of its interest and variety, as well as its manliness and robustness of character.

3. PERSONALITY OF OTHERS.--True politeness especially exhibits itself in regard for the personality of others. A man will respect the individuality of another if he wishes to be respected himself. He will have due regard for his views and opinions, even though they differ from his own. The well-mannered man pays a compliment to another, and sometimes even secures his respect by patiently listening to him. He is simply tolerant and forbearant, and refrains from judging harshly; and harsh judgments of others will almost invariably provoke harsh judgments of ourselves.

4. THE IMPOLITE.--The impolite, impulsive man will, however, sometimes rather lose his friend than his joke. He may surely be p.r.o.nounced a very foolish person who secures another's hatred at the price of a moment's gratification. It was a saying of Burnel, the engineer--himself one of the kindest-natured of men--that "spite and ill-nature are among the most expensive luxuries in life." Dr. Johnson once said: "Sir, a man has no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down."

5. FEELINGS OF OTHERS.--Want of respect for the feelings of others usually originates in selfishness, and issues in {71} hardness and repulsiveness of manner. It may not proceed from malignity so much, as from want of sympathy, and want of delicacy--a want of that perception of, and attention to, those little and apparently trifling things, by which pleasure is given or pain occasioned to others. Indeed, it may be said that in self-sacrifice in the ordinary intercourse of life, mainly consists the difference between being well and ill bred. Without some degree of self-restraint in society a man may be found almost insufferable. No one has pleasure in holding intercourse with such a person, and he is a constant source of annoyance to those about him.

6. DISREGARD OF OTHERS.--Men may show their disregard to others in various impolite ways, as, for instance, by neglect of propriety in dress, by the absence of cleanliness, or by indulging in repulsive habits. The slovenly, dirty person, by rendering himself physically disagreeable, sets the tastes and feelings of others at defiance, and is rude and uncivil, only under another form.

7. THE BEST SCHOOL OF POLITENESS.--The first and best school of politeness, as of character, is always the home, where woman is the teacher. The manners of society at large are but the reflex of the manners of our collective homes, neither better nor worse. Yet, with all the disadvantages of ungenial homes, men may practice self-culture of manner as of intellect, and learn by good examples to cultivate a graceful and agreeable behavior towards others. Most men are like so many gems in the rough, which need polis.h.i.+ng by contact with other and better natures, to bring out their full beauty and l.u.s.tre. Some have but one side polished, sufficient only to show the delicate graining of the interior; but to bring out the full qualities of the gem, needs the discipline of experience, and contact with the best examples of character in the intercourse of daily life.

8. CAPTIOUSNESS OF MANNER.--While captiousness of manner, and the habit of disputing and contradicting every thing said, is chilling and repulsive, the opposite habit of a.s.senting to, and sympathizing with, every statement made, or emotion expressed, is almost equally disagreeable. It is unmanly, and is felt to be dishonest. "It may seem difficult," says Richard Sharp, "to steer always between bluntness and plain dealing, between merited praises and lavis.h.i.+ng indiscriminate flattery; but it is very easy--good humor, kindheartedness, and perfect simplicity, being all that are requisite to do what is right in the right way." At the same time many are impolite, not because they mean to be so, but because they are awkward, and perhaps know no better. {72}

9. SHY PEOPLE.--Again many persons are thought to be stiff, reserved, and proud, when they are only shy. Shyness is characteristic of most people of the Teutonic race. From all that can be learned of Shakespeare, it is to be inferred that he was an exceedingly shy man. The manner in which his plays were sent into the world--for it is not known that he edited or authorized the publication of a single one of them,--and the dates at which they respectively appeared, are mere matters of conjecture.

10. SELF-FORGETFULNESS.--True politeness is best evinced by self-forgetfulness, or self-denial in the interest of others. Mr. Garfield, our martyred president, was a gentleman of royal type. His friend, Col.

Rockwell, says of him: "In the midst of his suffering he never forgets others. For instance, to-day he said to me, 'Rockwell, there is a poor soldier's widow who came to me before this thing occurred, and I promised her, she should be provided for. I want you to see that the matter is attended to at once.' He is the most docile patient I ever saw."

11. ITS BRIGHT SIDE.--We have thus far spoken of shyness as a defect. But there is another way of looking at it; for even shyness has its bright side, and contains an element of good. Shy men and shy races are ungraceful and undemonstrative, because, as regards society at large, they are comparatively unsociable. They do not possess those elegancies of manner acquired by free intercourse, which distinguish the social races, because their tendency is to shun society rather than to seek it. They are shy in the presence of strangers, and shy even in their own families. They hide their affections under a robe of reserve, and when they do give way to their feelings, it is only in some very hidden inner chamber. And yet, the feelings are there, and not the less healthy and genuine, though they are not made the subject of exhibition to others.

12. WORTHY OF CULTIVATION.--While, therefore, grace of manner, politeness of behavior, elegance of demeanor, and all the arts that contribute to make life pleasant and beautiful, are worthy of cultivation, it must not be at the expense of the more solid and enduring qualities of honesty, sincerity, and truthfulness. The fountain of beauty must be in the heart more than in the eye, and if it does not tend to produce beautiful life and n.o.ble practice, it will prove of comparatively little avail. Politeness of manner is not worth much, unless it is accompanied by polite actions.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

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Influence of Good Character.

"Unless above himself he can Erect himself, how poor a thing is man!"--DANIEL.

"Character is moral order seen through the medium of an individual nature--Men of character are the conscience of the society to which they belong."--EMERSON.

The purest treasure mortal times afford, Is--spotless reputation; that away, Men are but gilded loam, or painted clay.