The Hill Part 49

"He never wrote to me," said John.

At last it was out, the thorn in his side which had tormented him.

"If he had written," John continued, "if only he had written once. When we parted it was good-bye--just that, nothing more; but I thought he would write, and that everything would be cleared up. And now, silence."

The week wore itself away. A few details were forthcoming: enough to prove that a glorious deed had been done at the cost of a gallant life.

England was thrilled because the hero happened to be the son of a popular Minister. The name of Desmond rang through the Empire. John bought every paper and devoured the meagre lines which left so much between them. It seemed that a certain position had to be taken--a small hill. For the hundredth time in this campaign too few men were detailed for the task. The reek of that awful slaughter on Spion Kop was still strong in men's nostrils. Beauregard and his soldiers halted at the foot of the hill, halted in the teeth of a storm of bullets. Then the word was given to attack. But the fire from invisible foes simply exterminated the leading files. The moment came when those behind wavered and recoiled. And then Desmond darted forward--alone, cheering on his fellows. They were all afoot. The men rallied and followed. But they could not overtake the gallant figure pressing on in front. He ran--so the Special Correspondent reported--as if he were racing for a goal. The men staggered after him, aflame with his ardour. They reached the top, captured the guns, drove down the enemy, and returned to the highest point to find their leader--shot through the heart, and dead, and smiling at death. Of all the men who pa.s.sed through that blizzard of bullets he was the youngest by two years.

Warde told John that the Head Master would preach upon the last Sunday evening of the term, with special reference to Harry Desmond. Could John bear it? John nodded. Since the first breakdown in Warde's study, his heart seemed to have turned to ice. His religious sense, hitherto strong and vital, failed him entirely. He abandoned prayer.

Evensong was over in Harrow Chapel. The Head Master, stately in surplice and scarlet hood, entered the pulpit, and, in his clear, calm tones, announced his text, taken from the 17th verse of the First Chapter of the Book of Ruth--

"The Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me."

The subject of the sermon was "Friends.h.i.+p:" the heart's blood of a Public School: Friends.h.i.+p with its delights, its perils, its peculiar graces and benedictions.

"To-night," concluded the preacher, amid the breathless silence of the congregation, "this thought of Friends.h.i.+p has for us a special solemnity. It is consecrated by the memory of one whom we have just lost. You, who are leaving the school, have been the friends and contemporaries of Henry Julius Desmond; his features are fresh in your memories, and will remain fresh as long as you live.

"Tall, eager, a face to remember, A flush that could change as the day; A spirit that knew not December, That brightened the suns.h.i.+ne of May."

"Those lines, as you know, were written of another Harrovian, who died here on this Hill. Henry Desmond died on another hill, and died so gloriously that the shadow of our loss, dark as it seemed to us at first, is already melting in the radiance of his gain. To die young, clean, ardent; to die swiftly, in perfect health; to die saving others from death, or worse--disgrace--to die scaling heights; to die and to carry with you into the fuller, ampler life beyond, untainted hopes and aspirations, unembittered memories, all the freshness and gladness of May--is not that cause for joy rather than sorrow? I say--yes. Henry Desmond is one stage ahead of us upon a journey which we all must take, and I entreat you to consider that, if we have faith in a future life, we must believe also that we carry hence not only the record of our acts, whether good or evil, but the memory of them; and that memory, undimmed by falsehood or self-deception, will create for us Heaven or h.e.l.l. I do not say--G.o.d forbid!--that you should desire death because you are still young, and, comparatively speaking, unspotted from the world; but I say I would sooner see any of you struck down in the flower of his youth than living on to lose, long before death comes, all that makes life worth the living. Better death, a thousand times, than gradual decay of mind and spirit; better death than faithlessness, indifference, and uncleanness. To you who are leaving Harrow, poised for flight into the great world of which this school is the microcosm, I commend the memory of Henry Desmond. It stands in our records for all we venerate and strive for: loyalty, honour, purity, strenuousness, faithfulness in friends.h.i.+p. When temptation a.s.sails you, think of that gallant boy running swiftly uphill, leaving craven fear behind, and drawing with him the others who, led by him to the heights, made victory possible. You cannot all be leaders, but you can follow leaders; only see to it that they lead you, as Henry Desmond led the men of Beauregard's Horse, onward and upward."

The preacher ended, and then followed the familiar hymn, always sung upon the last Sunday evening of the term:--

"Let Thy father-hand be s.h.i.+elding All who here shall meet no more; May their seed-time past be yielding Year by year a richer store; Those returning, Make more faithful than before."

The last blessing was p.r.o.nounced, and with glistening eyes the boys streamed out of Chapel; some of them for the last time.

Upon the next Tuesday, John travelled down into the New Forest. April was abroad in Hamps.h.i.+re; the larches already were bright green against the Scotch firs; the beech buds were bursting; only the oaks retained their drab winter's-livery.

During the few days preceding Easter Sunday, John rode or walked to every part of the forest which he had visited in company with his dead friend. At Beaulieu, standing in the ruins of the Abbey, he could hear Desmond's delightful laugh as he recited the misadventures of Hordle John; at Stoneycross he sat upon the bank overlooking the moor, whence they had seen the fox steal into the woods about Rufus's Stone; at the Bell tavern at Brook they had lunched; at Hinton Admiral they had played cricket.

To his mother's and his uncle's silent sympathy John responded but churlishly. His friend had departed without a word, without a sign; that ate into John's heart and consumed it. For the first time since he had been confirmed, he refused to receive the Sacrament. He went to church as a matter of form; but he dared not approach the altar in his present rebellious mood.

Again and again he accused himself of having yielded to a craven fear of offending Desmond by speech too plain. Always he had been so terribly afraid of losing his friend; and now he had lost him indeed. This poignancy of grief may be accounted for in part by the previous long-continued strain of overwork. And it is ever the habit of those who do much to think that they might have done more.

At the beginning of May, John came back to the Hill, for his last term.

Out of the future rose the "dreaming spires" of Oxford; beyond them, vague and shadowy, the great Clock-tower of Westminster, keeping watch and ward over the destinies of our Empire.

In a long letter from Charles Desmond, the Minister had spoken of the secretarys.h.i.+p to be kept warm for him, of the pleasure and solace the writer would take in seeing his son's best friend in the place where that son might have stood.

His best friend? Was that true?

The question tormented John. Because Caesar had been so much to him, he desired, more pa.s.sionately than he had desired anything in his life, the a.s.surance that he had been something--not everything, only something--to Caesar.

One day, about the middle of the month, John had been playing cricket, the game of all games which brought Caesar most vividly to his mind.

Then, just before six Bill, he strolled up the Hill and into the Vaughan Library, where so many relics dear to Harrovians are enshrined. Sitting in the splendid window which faces distant Hampstead, John told himself that he must put aside the miseries and perplexities of the past month.

Had he been loyal to his friend's memory? Would not a more ardent faith have burned away doubt?

John gazed across the familiar fields to the huge city on the horizon.

Soon night would fall, darkness would encompa.s.s all things. And then, out of the mirk, would s.h.i.+ne the lamps of London.

Warde's voice put his thoughts to instant flight. Some intuition told John that something had happened. Warde said quietly--

"A letter has come for you in Harry Desmond's handwriting."

John, unable to speak, stretched out his hand.

"Take it," said Warde, "to some quiet spot where you cannot be disturbed."

John nodded.

"I have seen how it was with you," Warde continued, with deep emotion, "and you have had my acute sympathy, the more acute, perhaps, because long ago a friend went out of my life without a sign." Warde paused.

"Now, unless my whole experience is at fault, you hold in your hand what you want--and what you deserve."

Warde left the library; John put the letter into his pocket. Where should he go? One place beckoned him. Upon the tower, looking towards the Hill, he would read the last letter of his friend.

Within half an hour he was pa.s.sing through the iron gates. He had not visited the garden since that forlorn winter's afternoon, when he came here, alone, after bidding Desmond good-bye. He could recall the desolation of the scene: bleak Winter dripping tears upon the tomb of Summer. With what disgust he had perceived the decaying ma.s.ses of vegetation, the sodden turf, the soot upon the bare trunks of the trees.

He had rushed away, fancying that he heard Desmond's voice, "There is a curse on the place."

Now, May had touched what had seemed dead and hideous, and, lo! a miracle. The hawthorns shone white against the brilliant green of the laurels; the horse-chestnuts had--to use a fanciful expression of Caesar's--"lit their lamps." Out of the waving gra.s.s glimmered and sparkled a thousand wild flowers. John heard the glad _Fruhlingslied_ of bees and birds. Then, opening his lungs, he inhaled the life-renewing odours of earth renascent; opening his heart he felt a spiritual essence pervading every fibre of his being. Once more the chilled sap in his veins flowed generously. It was well with him and well with his friend.

This conviction possessed him, remember, before he opened the letter.

He ascended the tower, and broke the seal.

"I have been meaning to write to you, dear old chap, ever since we parted; but, somehow, I couldn't bring myself to tackle it in earnest till to-night. To-morrow, we have a thundering big job ahead of us; the last job, perhaps, for me. Old Jonathan, you have been the best friend a man ever had, the only one I love as much as my own brothers--_and even more_. It was from knowing you that I came to see what good-for-nothing fools some fellows are. You were always so unselfish and _straight!_ and you made me feel that I was the contrary, and that you knew it, and that I should lose your friends.h.i.+p if I didn't improve a bit. So, if we don't meet again in this jolly old world, it may be a little comfort to you to remember that what you have done for a very worthless pal was not thrown away.

"Good night, Jonathan. I'm going to turn in; we shall be astir before daybreak. Over the veldt the stars are s.h.i.+ning. It's so light, that I can just make out the hill upon which, I hope, our flag will be waving within a few hours. The sight of this hill brings back our Hill. If I shut my eyes, I can see it plainly, as we used to see it from the tower, with the Spire rising out of the heart of the old school. I have the absurd conviction strong in me that, to-morrow, I shall get up the hill here faster and easier than the other fellows because you and I have so often run up our Hill together--G.o.d bless it--and you! Good night."

FOOTNOTES:

[39] Brekker, _i.e._ breakfast.