The School for Scandal Part 1

The School For Scandal.

by Richard Brinsley Sheridan.

A PORTRAIT<1>

ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE, WITH THE COMEDY OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL

BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ.

Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's school, Who rail by precept, and detract by rule, Lives there no character, so tried, so known, So deck'd with grace, and so unlike your own, That even you a.s.sist her fame to raise, Approve by envy, and by silence praise!-- Attend!--a model shall attract your view-- Daughters of calumny, I summon you!

You shall decide if this a portrait prove, Or fond creation of the Muse and Love.-- Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and sage, Ye matron censors of this childish age, Whose peering eye and wrinkled front declare A fixt antipathy to young and fair; By cunning, cautious; or by nature, cold, In maiden madness, virulently bold!-- Attend! ye skilled to coin the precious tale, Creating proof, where innuendos fail!

Whose practised memories, cruelly exact, Omit no circ.u.mstance, except the fact!-- Attend, all ye who boast,--or old or young,-- The living libel of a slanderous tongue!

So shall my theme as far contrasted be, As saints by fiends, or hymns by calumny.

Come, gentle Amoret (for 'neath that name, In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's fame); Come--for but thee who seeks the Muse? and while Celestial blushes check thy conscious smile, With timid grace, and hesitating eye, The perfect model, which I boast, supply:-- Vain Muse! couldst thou the humblest sketch create Of her, or slightest charm couldst imitate-- Could thy blest strain in kindred colours trace The faintest wonder of her form and face-- Poets would study the immortal line, And REYNOLDS own HIS art subdued by thine; That art, which well might added l.u.s.tre give To Nature's best and Heaven's superlative: On GRANBY'S cheek might bid new glories rise, Or point a purer beam from DEVON'S eyes!

Hard is the task to shape that beauty's praise, Whose judgment scorns the homage flattery pays!

But praising Amoret we cannot err, No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters her!

Yet she, by Fate's perverseness--she alone Would doubt our truth, nor deem such praise her own!

Adorning Fas.h.i.+on, unadorn'd by dress, Simple from taste, and not from carelessness; Discreet in gesture, in deportment mild, Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly wild: No state has AMORET! no studied mien; She frowns no G.o.dDESS, and she moves no QUEEN.

The softer charm that in her manner lies Is framed to captivate, yet not surprise; It justly suits th' expression of her face,-- 'Tis less than dignity, and more than grace!

On her pure cheek the native hue is such, That, form'd by Heav'n to be admired so much, The hand divine, with a less partial care, Might well have fix'd a fainter crimson there, And bade the gentle inmate of her breast,-- Inshrined Modesty!--supply the rest.

But who the peril of her lips shall paint?

Strip them of smiles--still, still all words are faint!

But moving Love himself appears to teach Their action, though denied to rule her speech; And thou who seest her speak and dost not hear, Mourn not her distant accents 'scape thine ear; Viewing those lips, thou still may'st make pretence To judge of what she says, and swear 'tis sense: Cloth'd with such grace, with such expression fraught, They move in meaning, and they pause in thought!

But dost thou farther watch, with charm'd surprise, The mild irresolution of her eyes, Curious to mark how frequent they repose, In brief eclipse and momentary close-- Ah! seest thou not an ambush'd Cupid there, Too tim'rous of his charge, with jealous care Veils and unveils those beams of heav'nly light, Too full, too fatal else, for mortal sight?

Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond to meet, In pard'ning dimples hope a safe retreat.

What though her peaceful breast should ne'er allow Subduing frowns to arm her altered brow, By Love, I swear, and by his gentle wiles, More fatal still the mercy of her smiles!

Thus lovely, thus adorn'd, possessing all Of bright or fair that can to woman fall, The height of vanity might well be thought Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault.

Yet gentle AMORET, in mind supreme As well as charms, rejects the vainer theme; And, half mistrustful of her beauty's store, She barbs with wit those darts too keen before:-- Read in all knowledge that her s.e.x should reach, Though GREVILLE, or the MUSE, should deign to teach, Fond to improve, nor tim'rous to discern How far it is a woman's grace to learn; In MILLAR'S dialect she would not prove Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love, Graced by those signs which truth delights to own, The timid blush, and mild submitted tone: Whate'er she says, though sense appear throughout, Displays the tender hue of female doubt; Deck'd with that charm, how lovely wit appears, How graceful SCIENCE, when that robe she wears!

Such too her talents, and her bent of mind, As speak a sprightly heart by thought refined: A taste for mirth, by contemplation school'd, A turn for ridicule, by candour ruled, A scorn of folly, which she tries to hide; An awe of talent, which she owns with pride!

Peace, idle Muse! no more thy strain prolong, But yield a theme thy warmest praises wrong; Just to her merit, though thou canst not raise Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowledged praise Has spread conviction through the envious train, And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign!

And lo! each pallid hag, with blister'd tongue, Mutters a.s.sent to all thy zeal has sung-- Owns all the colours just--the outline true; Thee my inspirer, and my MODEL--CREWE!

DRAMATIS PERSONAE<2>

SIR PETER TEAZLE Mr. King SIR OLIVER SURFACE Mr. Yates YOUNG SURFACE Mr. Palmer CHARLES (his Brother) Mr. Smith CRABTREE Mr. Parsons SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr. Dodd ROWLEY Mr. Aikin SPUNGE MOSES SNAKE CARELESS--and other companions to CHARLES

LADY TEAZLE MARIA LADY SNEERWELL MRS. CANDOUR MISS VERJUICE

PROLOGUE

WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK

A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you, Needs there a school this modish art to teach you?

No need of lessons now, the knowing think; We might as well be taught to eat and drink.

Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours Distress our fair ones--let them read the papers; Their powerful mixtures such disorders. .h.i.t; Crave what you will--there's quantum sufficit.

"Lord!" cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle, And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle), Just risen at noon, all night at cards when thres.h.i.+ng Strong tea and scandal--"Bless me, how refres.h.i.+ng!

Give me the papers, Lisp--how bold and free! [Sips.]

LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips] WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D.

For aching heads what charming sal volatile! [Sips.]

IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE FLIRTING, WE HOPE SHE'LL draw, OR WE'LL undraw THE CURTAIN.

Fine satire, poz--in public all abuse it, But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it.

Now, Lisp, read you--there, at that dash and star:"

"Yes, ma'am--A CERTAIN LORD HAD BEST BEWARE, WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE; FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W. FIND WILLING, WORMWOOD IS BITTER"----"Oh! that's me! the villain!

Throw it behind the fire, and never more Let that vile paper come within my door."

Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart; To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart.

Is our young bard so young, to think that he Can stop the full spring-tide of calumny?

Knows he the world so little, and its trade?

Alas! the devil's sooner raised than laid.

So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging: Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging.

Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd, Again our young Don Quixote takes the road; To show his grat.i.tude he draws his pen, And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den.

For your applause all perils he would through-- He'll fight--that's write--a cavalliero true, Till every drop of blood--that's ink--is spilt for you.

ACT I

SCENE I.--LADY SNEERWELL'S House

LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET; MISS VERJUICE drinking chocolate

LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted:

VERJUICE. They were Madam--and as I copied them myself in a feigned Hand there can be no suspicion whence they came.

LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's Intrigue with Captain Boastall?

VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the Town--and I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.

LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to a certain Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook.

VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladys.h.i.+p could wish.

I told the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to communicate it directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed has a Brother who courts a Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall whose mistress has a first cousin whose sister is Feme [Femme]

de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit--so that in the common course of Things it must reach Mrs. Clackit's Ears within four-and-twenty hours and then you know the Business is as good as done.

LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent-- a great deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably successful in her way--To my knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six matches[,] of three sons being disinherited and four Daughters being turned out of Doors. Of three several Elopements, as many close confinements--nine separate maintenances and two Divorces.-- nay I have more than once traced her causing a Tete-a-Tete in the Town and Country Magazine--when the Parties perhaps had never seen each other's Faces before in the course of their Lives.

VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.

LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross.

VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has a free tongue and a bold invention--but her colouring is too dark and her outline often extravagant--She wants that delicacy of Tint--and mellowness of sneer--which distinguish your Ladys.h.i.+p's Scandal.