Lyre and Lancet Part 24

_Lady Cantire._ Albinia, I have refrained from speech as long as possible; but this is really _too_ much! You _don't_ suppose I should have introduced Mr. Spurrell here unless I had had the strongest reasons for knowing, however he may be pleased to mystify us now, that he, and n.o.body else, is the author of _Andromeda_! And I, for one, absolutely decline to believe in this preposterous story of his about a bull-dog.

_Spurrell._ But your ladys.h.i.+p must have known! Why, you as good as asked me on the way here to put you down for a bull-pup!

_Lady Cantire._ Never, never! A bull-pup is the last creature I should ever dream of coveting. You were obliging enough to ask me to accept a presentation copy of your verses.

_Spurrell._ Was I? I don't exactly see how I _could_ have been, considering I never made a rhyme in my life!

_Sir Rupert._ There, there, Rohesia, it was _your_ mistake; but as we are indebted to it for the pleasure of making Mr. Spurrell's acquaintance----

_Lady Cantire._ I am not in the habit of making mistakes, Rupert. I don't know what you and Albinia and Maisie may know that I am in ignorance of, but, since you seem to have been aware from the first that Mr. Spurrell was not the poet you had invited here to meet me, will you kindly explain what has become of the _real_ author?

_Sir Rupert._ My dear Rohesia, I don't know and I don't _care_!

_Lady Cantire._ There you are _wrong_, Rupert, because it's obvious that if he is not Mr. Spurrell, the real poet's absence has to be accounted for in _some_ way.

_Spurrell._ By Jove, I believe I can put you on the track. I shouldn't wonder if he's the party these dress clothes of mine belong to! I dare say you may have noticed they don't look as if they were made for me?

_Lady Cantire_ (_closing her eyes_). Pray let us avoid any sartorial questions! We are waiting to hear about this person.

_Spurrell._ Well, I found I'd got on his things by mistake, and I went up as soon as I could after dessert to my room to take 'em off, and there he was, with a waste-paper basket on his head----

_Lady Cantire._ A waste-paper basket on his head! And pray what should he have _that_ for?

_Spurrell._ I'm no wiser than your ladys.h.i.+p _there_. All _I_ know is he said he wouldn't take it off till he saw me. And I never saw any one in such a mess with ink and flour as he was!

_Lady Cantire._ Ink and flour, indeed! This rigmarole gets more ridiculous every moment! You can't seriously expect any one here to believe it!

[ARCHIE _discreetly retires to the smoking-room_.

_Spurrell._ Well, I rather think somebody must have fixed up a b.o.o.by-trap for _me_, you know, and he happened to go in first and get the benefit of it. And he was riled, very naturally, thinking _I_'d done it, but after we'd had a little talk together, he calmed down and said I might keep his clothes, which I thought uncommonly good-natured of him, you know. By the way, he gave me his card. Here it is, if your ladys.h.i.+p would like to see it.

[_He hands it to_ Lady CULVERIN.

_Lady Culverin._ "Mr. Undersh.e.l.l!"... Rohesia, that _is_ Clarion Blair! I knew it was _something_ ending in "ell." (_To_ SPURRELL.) And you say Mr. Undersh.e.l.l is here--in this house?

_Spurrell._ Not now. He's gone by this time.

_The Others_ (_in dismay_). Gone!

_Spurrell._ He said he was leaving at once. If he'd only told me how it was, I'd have----

_Lady Cantire._ I don't believe a single word of all this! If Mr.

Spurrell is not Clarion Blair, let him explain how he came to be coming down to Wyvern this afternoon!

_Spurrell._ If your ladys.h.i.+p doesn't really know, you had better ask Sir Rupert; _he'll_ tell you it's all right.

_Lady Cantire._ Then perhaps _you_ will be good enough to enlighten us, Rupert?

_Sir Rupert_ (_driven into a corner_). Why, 'pon my word, I'm bound to say that I'm just as much in the dark as anybody else, if it comes to that!

_Spurrell_ (_eagerly_). But you wired me to come, sir! About a horse of yours! I've been wondering all the evening when you'd tell me I could go round and have a look at him. I'm here instead of Mr.

Spavin--_now_ do you understand, Sir Rupert? I'm the vet.

[_Suppressed sensation._

_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). This is devilish awkward! Don't quite know what to do. (_Aloud._) To--to be sure you are! Of course! That's it, Rohesia! Mr. Spurrell came down to see a horse, and we shall be very glad to have the benefit of his opinion by and bye.

[_He claps him amicably on the shoulder._

_Lady Cantire_ (_in a sepulchral tone_). Albinia, I think I will go to bed.

[_She withdraws._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ALBINIA, I THINK I WILL GO TO BED."]

_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). There'll be no harm in letting him stay, now he _is_ here. If Rohesia objects, she's got n.o.body but herself to blame for it!

_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). They won't want to keep me upstairs much longer after this! (TREDWELL _enters, and seems to have something of importance to communicate to_ Sir RUPERT _in private_.) I wonder what the dooce is up _now_!

[_Partial reaction in company._

PART XIX

UNEARNED INCREMENT

_Sir Rupert_ (_to_ TREDWELL). Well, what is it?

_Tredwell_ (_in an undertone_). With reference to the party, Sir Rupert, as represents himself to have come down to see the 'orse, I----

_Sir Rupert_ (_aloud_). You mean Mr. Spurrell? It's all right. Mr.

Spurrell will see the horse to-morrow. (TREDWELL _disguises his utter bewilderment_.) By the way, we expected a Mr. ---- What did you say the name was, my dear?... Undersh.e.l.l? To be sure, a Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, to have been here in time for dinner. Do you know why he has been unable to come before this?

_Tredwell_ (_to himself_). Do I know? Oh, Lor! (_Aloud._) I--I believe he _have_ arrived, Sir Rupert.

_Sir Rupert._ So I understand from Mr. Spurrell. Is he here still?

_Tredwell._ He is, Sir Rupert. I--I considered it my dooty not to allow him to leave the house, not feeling----

_Sir Rupert._ Quite right, Tredwell. I should have been most seriously annoyed if I had found that a guest we were all anxiously expecting had left the Court, owing to some fancied---- Where is he now?

_Tredwell_ (_faintly_). In--in the Verney Chamber. Leastways----

_Sir Rupert._ Ah. (_He glances at_ SPURRELL.) Then where----? But that can be arranged. Go up and explain to Mr. Undersh.e.l.l that we have only this moment heard of his arrival; say we understand that he has been obliged to come by a later train, and that we shall be delighted to see him, just as he is.

_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). He was worth looking at just as he _was_, when _I_ saw him!