The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 58

Chapter 4.x.x.xV.

Now as widow Wadman did love my uncle Toby-and my uncle Toby did not love widow Wadman, there was nothing for widow Wadman to do, but to go on and love my uncle Toby-or let it alone.

Widow Wadman would do neither the one or the other.

-Gracious heaven!-but I forget I am a little of her temper myself; for whenever it so falls out, which it sometimes does about the equinoxes, that an earthly G.o.ddess is so much this, and that, and t'other, that I cannot eat my breakfast for her-and that she careth not three halfpence whether I eat my breakfast or no-

-Curse on her! and so I send her to Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra del Fuogo, and so on to the devil: in short, there is not an infernal nitch where I do not take her divinitys.h.i.+p and stick it.

But as the heart is tender, and the pa.s.sions in these tides ebb and flow ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the very center of the milky-way-

Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon some one-

-The duce take her and her influence too-for at that word I lose all patience-much good may it do him!-By all that is hirsute and gashly! I cry, taking off my furr'd cap, and twisting it round my finger-I would not give sixpence for a dozen such!

-But 'tis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head, and pressing it close to my ears)-and warm-and soft; especially if you stroke it the right way-but alas! that will never be my luck-(so here my philosophy is s.h.i.+pwreck'd again.)

-No; I shall never have a finger in the pye (so here I break my metaphor)- Crust and Crumb Inside and out Top and bottom-I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate it-I'm sick at the sight of it-

'Tis all pepper, garlick, staragen, salt, and devil's dung-by the great arch-cooks of cooks, who does nothing, I think, from morning to night, but sit down by the fire-side and invent inflammatory dishes for us, I would not touch it for the world-

-O Tristram! Tristram! cried Jenny.

O Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so went on with the thirty-sixth chapter.

Chapter 4.x.x.xVI.

-'Not touch it for the world,' did I say-

Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor!

Chapter 4.x.x.xVII.

Which shews, let your reverences and wors.h.i.+ps say what you will of it (for as for thinking-all who do think-think pretty much alike both upon it and other matters)-Love is certainly, at least alphabetically speaking, one of the most

A gitating B ewitching C onfounded D evilish affairs of life-the most E xtravagant F utilitous G alligaskinish H andy-dandyish I racundulous (there is no K to it) and L yrical of all human pa.s.sions: at the same time, the most M isgiving N innyhammering O bstipating P ragmatical S tridulous R idiculous -though by the bye the R should have gone first-But in short 'tis of such a nature, as my father once told my uncle Toby upon the close of a long dissertation upon the subject-'You can scarce,' said he, 'combine two ideas together upon it, brother Toby, without an hypallage'-What's that? cried my uncle Toby.

The cart before the horse, replied my father-

-And what is he to do there? cried my uncle Toby.

Nothing, quoth my father, but to get in-or let it alone.

Now widow Wadman, as I told you before, would do neither the one or the other.

She stood however ready harnessed and caparisoned at all points, to watch accidents.

Chapter 4.x.x.xVIII.

The Fates, who certainly all fore-knew of these amours of widow Wadman and my uncle Toby, had, from the first creation of matter and motion (and with more courtesy than they usually do things of this kind), established such a chain of causes and effects hanging so fast to one another, that it was scarce possible for my uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house in the world, or to have occupied any other garden in Christendom, but the very house and garden which join'd and laid parallel to Mrs. Wadman's; this, with the advantage of a thickset arbour in Mrs. Wadman's garden, but planted in the hedge-row of my uncle Toby's, put all the occasions into her hands which Love-militancy wanted; she could observe my uncle Toby's motions, and was mistress likewise of his councils of war; and as his unsuspecting heart had given leave to the corporal, through the mediation of Bridget, to make her a wicker-gate of communication to enlarge her walks, it enabled her to carry on her approaches to the very door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out of grat.i.tude, to make an attack, and endeavour to blow my uncle Toby up in the very sentry-box itself.

Chapter 4.x.x.xIX.

It is a great pity-but 'tis certain from every day's observation of man, that he may be set on fire like a candle, at either end-provided there is a sufficient wick standing out; if there is not-there's an end of the affair; and if there is-by lighting it at the bottom, as the flame in that case has the misfortune generally to put out itself-there's an end of the affair again.

For my part, could I always have the ordering of it which way I would be burnt myself-for I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like a beast-I would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top; for then I should burn down decently to the socket; that is, from my head to my heart, from my heart to my liver, from my liver to my bowels, and so on by the meseraick veins and arteries, through all the turns and lateral insertions of the intestines and their tunicles to the blind gut-

-I beseech you, doctor Slop, quoth my uncle Toby, interrupting him as he mentioned the blind gut, in a discourse with my father the night my mother was brought to bed of me-I beseech you, quoth my uncle Toby, to tell me which is the blind gut; for, old as I am, I vow I do not know to this day where it lies.

The blind gut, answered doctor Slop, lies betwixt the Ilion and Colon-

In a man? said my father.

-'Tis precisely the same, cried doctor Slop, in a woman.-

That's more than I know; quoth my father.

Chapter 4.XL.

-And so to make sure of both systems, Mrs. Wadman predetermined to light my uncle Toby neither at this end or that; but, like a prodigal's candle, to light him, if possible, at both ends at once.

Now, through all the lumber rooms of military furniture, including both of horse and foot, from the great a.r.s.enal of Venice to the Tower of London (exclusive), if Mrs. Wadman had been rummaging for seven years together, and with Bridget to help her, she could not have found any one blind or mantelet so fit for her purpose, as that which the expediency of my uncle Toby's affairs had fix'd up ready to her hands.

I believe I have not told you-but I don't know-possibly I have-be it as it will, 'tis one of the number of those many things, which a man had better do over again, than dispute about it-That whatever town or fortress the corporal was at work upon, during the course of their campaign, my uncle Toby always took care, on the inside of his sentry-box, which was towards his left hand, to have a plan of the place, fasten'd up with two or three pins at the top, but loose at the bottom, for the conveniency of holding it up to the eye, &c...as occasions required; so that when an attack was resolved upon, Mrs. Wadman had nothing more to do, when she had got advanced to the door of the sentry-box, but to extend her right hand; and edging in her left foot at the same movement, to take hold of the map or plan, or upright, or whatever it was, and with out-stretched neck meeting it half way,-to advance it towards her; on which my uncle Toby's pa.s.sions were sure to catch fire-for he would instantly take hold of the other corner of the map in his left hand, and with the end of his pipe in the other, begin an explanation.

When the attack was advanced to this point;-the world will naturally enter into the reasons of Mrs. Wadman's next stroke of generals.h.i.+p-which was, to take my uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly could; which, under one pretence or other, but generally that of pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or breastwork in the map, she would effect before my uncle Toby (poor soul!) had well march'd above half a dozen toises with it.