The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 54

-C'est tout egal; replied the commissary-

-The devil it is! said I-but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first-

O England! England! thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers-and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophe.

When the director of Madam Le Blanc's conscience coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions-looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery-ask'd, if I stood in want of the aids of the church-

I go by Water-said I-and here's another will be for making me pay for going by Oil.

Chapter 4.XVI.

As I perceived the commissary of the post-office would have his six livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say some smart thing upon the occasion, worth the money:

And so I set off thus:-

-And pray, Mr. Commissary, by what law of courtesy is a defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a Frenchman in this matter?

By no means; said he.

Excuse me; said I-for you have begun, Sir, with first tearing off my breeches-and now you want my pocket-

Whereas-had you first taken my pocket, as you do with your own people-and then left me bare a..'d after-I had been a beast to have complain'd-

As it is-

-'Tis contrary to the law of nature.

-'Tis contrary to reason.

-'Tis contrary to the Gospel.

But not to this-said he-putting a printed paper into my hand,

Par le Roy.

-'Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth I-and so read on....

-By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over, a little too rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from Paris-he must go on travelling in one, all the days of his life-or pay for it.-Excuse me, said the commissary, the spirit of the ordinance is this-That if you set out with an intention of running post from Paris to Avignon, &c. you shall not change that intention or mode of travelling, without first satisfying the fermiers for two posts further than the place you repent at-and 'tis founded, continued he, upon this, that the Revenues are not to fall short through your fickleness-

-O by heavens! cried I-if fickleness is taxable in France-we have nothing to do but to make the best peace with you we can-

And So the Peace Was Made;

-And if it is a bad one-as Tristram Shandy laid the corner-stone of it-n.o.body but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged.

Chapter 4.XVII.

Though I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary as came to six livres four sous, yet I was determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks before I retired from the place; so putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my remarks-(which, by the bye, may be a caution to travellers to take a little more care of their remarks for the future) 'my remarks were stolen'-Never did sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his remarks as I did about mine, upon the occasion.

Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling in every thing to my aid but what I should-My remarks are stolen!-what shall I do?-Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop any remarks, as I stood besides you?-

You dropp'd a good many very singular ones; replied he-Pugh! said I, those were but a few, not worth above six livres two sous-but these are a large parcel-He shook his head-Monsieur Le Blanc! Madam Le Blanc! did you see any papers of mine?-you maid of the house! run up stairs-Francois! run up after her-

-I must have my remarks-they were the best remarks, cried I, that ever were made-the wisest-the wittiest-What shall I do?-which way shall I turn myself?

Sancho Panca, when he lost his a.s.s's Furniture, did not exclaim more bitterly.

Chapter 4.XVIII.

When the first transport was over, and the registers of the brain were beginning to get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble of cross accidents had cast them-it then presently occurr'd to me, that I had left my remarks in the pocket of the chaise-and that in selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise-vamper. I leave this void s.p.a.ce that the reader may swear into it any oath that he is most accustomed to-For my own part, if ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancy in my life, I think it was into that-........., said I-and so my remarks through France, which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a penny-have I been selling here to a chaise-vamper-for four Louis d'Ors-and giving him a post-chaise (by heaven) worth six into the bargain; had it been to Dodsley, or Becket, or any creditable bookseller, who was either leaving off business, and wanted a post-chaise-or who was beginning it-and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along with them-I could have borne it-but to a chaise-vamper!-shew me to him this moment, Francois,-said I-The valet de place put on his hat, and led the way-and I pull'd off mine, as I pa.s.s'd the commissary, and followed him.

Chapter 4.XIX.

When we arrived at the chaise-vamper's house, both the house and the shop were shut up; it was the eighth of September, the nativity of the blessed Virgin Mary, mother of G.o.d-

-Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi-the whole world was gone out a May-poling-frisking here-capering there-no body cared a b.u.t.ton for me or my remarks; so I sat me down upon a bench by the door, philosophating upon my condition: by a better fate than usually attends me, I had not waited half an hour, when the mistress came in to take the papilliotes from off her hair, before she went to the May-poles-

The French women, by the bye, love May-poles, a la folie-that is, as much as their matins-give 'em but a May-pole, whether in May, June, July or September-they never count the times-down it goes-'tis meat, drink, was.h.i.+ng, and lodging to 'em-and had we but the policy, an' please your wors.h.i.+ps (as wood is a little scarce in France), to send them but plenty of May-poles-

The women would set them up; and when they had done, they would dance round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind.

The wife of the chaise-vamper stepp'd in, I told you, to take the papilliotes from off her hair-the toilet stands still for no man-so she jerk'd off her cap, to begin with them as she open'd the door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the ground-I instantly saw it was my own writing-

O Seigneur! cried I-you have got all my remarks upon your head, Madam!-J'en suis bien mortifiee, said she-'tis well, thinks I, they have stuck there-for could they have gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a French woman's noddle-She had better have gone with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity.

Tenez-said she-so without any idea of the nature of my suffering, she took them from her curls, and put them gravely one by one into my hat-one was twisted this way-another twisted that-ey! by my faith; and when they are published, quoth I,-

They will be worse twisted still.