The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 51

-Wh...ysh-ysh-cried Margarita.

Sh...a-shu..u-shu..u-sh..aw-shaw'd the abbess.

-Whu-v-w-whew-w-w-whuv'd Margarita, pursing up her sweet lips betwixt a hoot and a whistle.

Thump-thump-thump-obstreperated the abbess of Andouillets with the end of her gold-headed cane against the bottom of the calesh-

The old mule let a f...

Chapter 4.IV.

We are ruin'd and undone, my child, said the abbess to Margarita,-we shall be here all night-we shall be plunder'd-we shall be ravished-

-We shall be ravish'd, said Margarita, as sure as a gun.

Sancta Maria! cried the abbess (forgetting the O!)-why was I govern'd by this wicked stiff joint? why did I leave the convent of Andouillets? and why didst thou not suffer thy servant to go unpolluted to her tomb?

O my finger! my finger! cried the novice, catching fire at the word servant-why was I not content to put it here, or there, any where rather than be in this strait?

Strait! said the abbess.

Strait-said the novice; for terror had struck their understandings-the one knew not what she said-the other what she answer'd.

O my virginity! virginity! cried the abbess.

...inity!...inity! said the novice, sobbing.

Chapter 4.V.

My dear mother, quoth the novice, coming a little to herself,-there are two certain words, which I have been told will force any horse, or a.s.s, or mule, to go up a hill whether he will or no; be he never so obstinate or ill-will'd, the moment he hears them utter'd, he obeys. They are words magic! cried the abbess in the utmost horror-No; replied Margarita calmly-but they are words sinful-What are they? quoth the abbess, interrupting her: They are sinful in the first degree, answered Margarita,-they are mortal-and if we are ravished and die unabsolved of them, we shall both-but you may p.r.o.nounce them to me, quoth the abbess of Andouillets-They cannot, my dear mother, said the novice, be p.r.o.nounced at all; they will make all the blood in one's body fly up into one's face-But you may whisper them in my ear, quoth the abbess.

Heaven! hadst thou no guardian angel to delegate to the inn at the bottom of the hill? was there no generous and friendly spirit unemployed-no agent in nature, by some monitory s.h.i.+vering, creeping along the artery which led to his heart, to rouse the muleteer from his banquet?-no sweet minstrelsy to bring back the fair idea of the abbess and Margarita, with their black rosaries!

Rouse! rouse!-but 'tis too late-the horrid words are p.r.o.nounced this moment-

-and how to tell them-Ye, who can speak of every thing existing, with unpolluted lips-instruct me-guide me-

Chapter 4.VI.

All sins whatever, quoth the abbess, turning casuist in the distress they were under, are held by the confessor of our convent to be either mortal or venial: there is no further division. Now a venial sin being the slightest and least of all sins-being halved-by taking either only the half of it, and leaving the rest-or, by taking it all, and amicably halving it betwixt yourself and another person-in course becomes diluted into no sin at all.

Now I see no sin in saying, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, a hundred times together; nor is there any turpitude in p.r.o.nouncing the syllable ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, were it from our matins to our vespers: Therefore, my dear daughter, continued the abbess of Andouillets-I will say bou, and thou shalt say ger; and then alternately, as there is no more sin in fou than in bou-Thou shalt say fou-and I will come in (like fa, sol, la, re, mi, ut, at our complines) with ter. And accordingly the abbess, giving the pitch note, set off thus:

Abbess,.....) Bou...bou...bou..

Margarita,..) --ger,..ger,..ger.

Margarita,..) Fou...fou...fou..

Abbess,.....) --ter,..ter,..ter.

The two mules acknowledged the notes by a mutual lash of their tails; but it went no further-'Twill answer by an' by, said the novice.

Abbess,.....) Bou. bou. bou. bou. bou. bou.

Margarita,..) --ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, ger.

Quicker still, cried Margarita. Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou.

Quicker still, cried Margarita. Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou.

Quicker still-G.o.d preserve me; said the abbess-They do not understand us, cried Margarita-But the Devil does, said the abbess of Andouillets.

Chapter 4.VII.

What a tract of country have I run!-how many degrees nearer to the warm sun am I advanced, and how many fair and goodly cities have I seen, during the time you have been reading and reflecting, Madam, upon this story! There's Fontainbleau, and Sens, and Joigny, and Auxerre, and Dijon the capital of Burgundy, and Challon, and Macon the capital of the Maconese, and a score more upon the road to Lyons-and now I have run them over-I might as well talk to you of so many market towns in the moon, as tell you one word about them: it will be this chapter at the least, if not both this and the next entirely lost, do what I will-

-Why, 'tis a strange story! Tristram.

Alas! Madam, had it been upon some melancholy lecture of the cross-the peace of meekness, or the contentment of resignation-I had not been incommoded: or had I thought of writing it upon the purer abstractions of the soul, and that food of wisdom and holiness and contemplation, upon which the spirit of man (when separated from the body) is to subsist for ever-You would have come with a better appet.i.te from it-

-I wish I never had wrote it: but as I never blot any thing out-let us use some honest means to get it out of our heads directly.

-Pray reach me my fool's cap-I fear you sit upon it, Madam-'tis under the cus.h.i.+on-I'll put it on-

Bless me! you have had it upon your head this half hour.-There then let it stay, with a

Fa-ra diddle di and a fa-ri diddle d and a high-dum-dye-dum fiddle...dumb-c.

And now, Madam, we may venture, I hope a little to go on.

Chapter 4.VIII.

-All you need say of Fontainbleau (in case you are ask'd) is, that it stands about forty miles (south something) from Paris, in the middle of a large forest-That there is something great in it-That the king goes there once every two or three years, with his whole court, for the pleasure of the chace-and that, during that carnival of sporting, any English gentleman of fas.h.i.+on (you need not forget yourself) may be accommodated with a nag or two, to partake of the sport, taking care only not to out-gallop the king-