The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 41

I think we do, Mr. Shandy,-said my mother.

-Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests and tunicks.-

-He does look very well in them,-replied my mother.-

-And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of 'em.-

-It would so,-said my mother:-But indeed he is growing a very tall lad,-rejoined my father.

-He is very tall for his age, indeed,-said my mother.-

-I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he takes after.-

I cannot conceive, for my life, said my mother.-

Humph!-said my father.

(The dialogue ceased for a moment.)

-I am very short myself,-continued my father gravely.

You are very short, Mr. Shandy,-said my mother.

Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother's,-and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half.

-When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, he'll look like a beast in 'em.

He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother.

-And 'twill be lucky, if that's the worst on't, added my father.

It will be very lucky, answered my mother.

I suppose, replied my father,-making some pause first,-he'll be exactly like other people's children.-

Exactly, said my mother.-

-Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and so the debate stopp'd again.-

-They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again.-

They will last him, said my mother, the longest.

But he can have no linings to 'em, replied my father.-

He cannot, said my mother.

'Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father.

Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.-

-Except dimity,-replied my father:-'Tis best of all,-replied my mother.

-One must not give him his death, however,-interrupted my father.

By no means, said my mother:-and so the dialogue stood still again.

I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them.-

-There is no occasion for any, said my mother.-

I mean in his coat and waistcoat,-cried my father.

-I mean so too,-replied my mother.

-Though if he gets a gig or top-Poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to them,-they should have where to secure it.-

Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy, replied my mother.-

-But don't you think it right? added my father, pressing the point home to her.

Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr. Shandy.-

-There's for you! cried my father, losing his temper-Pleases me!-You never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.-This was on the Sunday night:-and further this chapter sayeth not.

Chapter 3.LXII.

After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother,-he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it; and Albertus Rubenius used my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my mother: For as Rubenius had wrote a quarto express, De re Vestiaria Veterum,-it was Rubenius's business to have given my father some lights.-On the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard,-as of extracting a single word out of Rubenius upon the subject.

Upon every other article of ancient dress, Rubenius was very communicative to my father;-gave him a full satisfactory account of

The Toga, or loose gown.

The Chlamys.

The Ephod.

The Tunica, or Jacket.

The Synthesis.

The Paenula.

The Lacema, with its Cucullus.

The Paludamentum.

The Praetexta.

The Sagum, or soldier's jerkin.

The Trabea: of which, according to Suetonius, there was three kinds.- -But what are all these to the breeches? said my father.

Rubenius threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fas.h.i.+on with the Romans.-