The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 37

Well, my good doctor, cried my father sportively, for the transitions of his pa.s.sions were unaccountably sudden,-and what has this whelp of mine to say to the matter?

Had my father been asking after the amputation of the tail of a puppy-dog-he could not have done it in a more careless air: the system which Dr. Slop had laid down, to treat the accident by, no way allowed of such a mode of enquiry.-He sat down.

Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, in a manner which could not go unanswered,-in what condition is the boy?-'Twill end in a phimosis, replied Dr. Slop.

I am no wiser than I was, quoth my uncle Toby-returning his pipe into his mouth.-Then let the corporal go on, said my father, with his medical lecture.-The corporal made a bow to his old friend, Dr. Slop, and then delivered his opinion concerning radical heat and radical moisture, in the following words.

Chapter 3.XL.

The city of Limerick, the siege of which was begun under his majesty king William himself, the year after I went into the army-lies, an' please your honours, in the middle of a devilish wet, swampy country.-'Tis quite surrounded, said my uncle Toby, with the Shannon, and is, by its situation, one of the strongest fortified places in Ireland.-

I think this is a new fas.h.i.+on, quoth Dr. Slop, of beginning a medical lecture.-'Tis all true, answered Trim.-Then I wish the faculty would follow the cut of it, said Yorick.-'Tis all cut through, an' please your reverence, said the corporal, with drains and bogs; and besides, there was such a quant.i.ty of rain fell during the siege, the whole country was like a puddle,-'twas that, and nothing else, which brought on the flux, and which had like to have killed both his honour and myself; now there was no such thing, after the first ten days, continued the corporal, for a soldier to lie dry in his tent, without cutting a ditch round it, to draw off the water;-nor was that enough, for those who could afford it, as his honour could, without setting fire every night to a pewter dish full of brandy, which took off the damp of the air, and made the inside of the tent as warm as a stove.-

And what conclusion dost thou draw, corporal Trim, cried my father, from all these premises?

I infer, an' please your wors.h.i.+p, replied Trim, that the radical moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-water-and that the radical heat, of those who can go to the expence of it, is burnt brandy,-the radical heat and moisture of a private man, an' please your honour, is nothing but ditch-water-and a dram of geneva-and give us but enough of it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away the vapours-we know not what it is to fear death.

I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, quoth Doctor Slop, to determine in which branch of learning your servant s.h.i.+nes most, whether in physiology or divinity.-Slop had not forgot Trim's comment upon the sermon.-

It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick, since the corporal was examined in the latter, and pa.s.sed muster with great honour.-

The radical heat and moisture, quoth Doctor Slop, turning to my father, you must know, is the basis and foundation of our being-as the root of a tree is the source and principle of its vegetation.-It is inherent in the seeds of all animals, and may be preserved sundry ways, but princ.i.p.ally in my opinion by consubstantials, impriments, and occludents.-Now this poor fellow, continued Dr. Slop, pointing to the corporal, has had the misfortune to have heard some superficial empiric discourse upon this nice point.-That he has,-said my father.-Very likely, said my uncle.-I'm sure of it-quoth Yorick.-

Chapter 3.XLI.

Doctor Slop being called out to look at a cataplasm he had ordered, it gave my father an opportunity of going on with another chapter in the Tristra-paedia.-Come! cheer up, my lads; I'll shew you land-for when we have tugged through that chapter, the book shall not be opened again this twelve-month.-Huzza-!

Chapter 3.XLII.

-Five years with a bib under his chin;

Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to Malachi;

A year and a half in learning to write his own name;

Seven long years and more (Greek)-ing it, at Greek and Latin;

Four years at his probations and his negations-the fine statue still lying in the middle of the marble block,-and nothing done, but his tools sharpened to hew it out!-'Tis a piteous delay!-Was not the great Julius Scaliger within an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at all?-Forty-four years old was he before he could manage his Greek;-and Peter Damia.n.u.s, lord bishop of Ostia, as all the world knows, could not so much as read, when he was of man's estate.-And Baldus himself, as eminent as he turned out after, entered upon the law so late in life, that every body imagined he intended to be an advocate in the other world: no wonder, when Eudamidas, the son of Archidamas, heard Xenocrates at seventy-five disputing about wisdom, that he asked gravely,-If the old man be yet disputing and enquiring concerning wisdom,-what time will he have to make use of it?

Yorick listened to my father with great attention; there was a seasoning of wisdom unaccountably mixed up with his strangest whims, and he had sometimes such illuminations in the darkest of his eclipses, as almost atoned for them:-be wary, Sir, when you imitate him.

I am convinced, Yorick, continued my father, half reading and half discoursing, that there is a North-west pa.s.sage to the intellectual world; and that the soul of man has shorter ways of going to work, in furnis.h.i.+ng itself with knowledge and instruction, than we generally take with it.-But, alack! all fields have not a river or a spring running besides them;-every child, Yorick, has not a parent to point it out.

-The whole entirely depends, added my father, in a low voice, upon the auxiliary verbs, Mr. Yorick.

Had Yorick trod upon Virgil's snake, he could not have looked more surprised.-I am surprised too, cried my father, observing it,-and I reckon it as one of the greatest calamities which ever befel the republic of letters, That those who have been entrusted with the education of our children, and whose business it was to open their minds, and stock them early with ideas, in order to set the imagination loose upon them, have made so little use of the auxiliary verbs in doing it, as they have done-So that, except Raymond Lullius, and the elder Pelegrini, the last of which arrived to such perfection in the use of 'em, with his topics, that, in a few lessons, he could teach a young gentleman to discourse with plausibility upon any subject, pro and con, and to say and write all that could be spoken or written concerning it, without blotting a word, to the admiration of all who beheld him.-I should be glad, said Yorick, interrupting my father, to be made to comprehend this matter. You shall, said my father.

The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of, is a high metaphor,-for which, in my opinion, the idea is generally the worse, and not the better;-but be that as it may,-when the mind has done that with it-there is an end,-the mind and the idea are at rest,-until a second idea enters;-and so on.

Now the use of the Auxiliaries is, at once to set the soul a-going by herself upon the materials as they are brought her; and by the versability of this great engine, round which they are twisted, to open new tracts of enquiry, and make every idea engender millions.

You excite my curiosity greatly, said Yorick.

For my own part, quoth my uncle Toby, I have given it up.-The Danes, an' please your honour, quoth the corporal, who were on the left at the siege of Limerick, were all auxiliaries.-And very good ones, said my uncle Toby.-But the auxiliaries, Trim, my brother is talking about,-I conceive to be different things.-

-You do? said my father, rising up.

Chapter 3.XLIII.

My father took a single turn across the room, then sat down, and finished the chapter.

The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in here, continued my father, are, am; was; have; had; do; did; make; made; suffer; shall; should; will; would; can; could; owe; ought; used; or is wont.-And these varied with tenses, present, past, future, and conjugated with the verb see,-or with these questions added to them;-Is it? Was it? Will it be? Would it be? May it be? Might it be? And these again put negatively, Is it not? Was it not? Ought it not?-Or affirmatively,-It is; It was; It ought to be. Or chronologically,-Has it been always? Lately? How long ago?-Or hypothetically,-If it was? If it was not? What would follow?-If the French should beat the English? If the Sun go out of the Zodiac?

Now, by the right use and application of these, continued my father, in which a child's memory should be exercised, there is no one idea can enter his brain, how barren soever, but a magazine of conceptions and conclusions may be drawn forth from it.-Didst thou ever see a white bear? cried my father, turning his head round to Trim, who stood at the back of his chair:-No, an' please your honour, replied the corporal.-But thou couldst discourse about one, Trim, said my father, in case of need?-How is it possible, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, if the corporal never saw one?-'Tis the fact I want, replied my father,-and the possibility of it is as follows.

A White Bear! Very well. Have I ever seen one? Might I ever have seen one? Am I ever to see one? Ought I ever to have seen one? Or can I ever see one?

Would I had seen a white bear! (for how can I imagine it?)

If I should see a white bear, what should I say? If I should never see a white bear, what then?

If I never have, can, must, or shall see a white bear alive; have I ever seen the skin of one? Did I ever see one painted?-described? Have I never dreamed of one?

Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers or sisters, ever see a white bear? What would they give? How would they behave? How would the white bear have behaved? Is he wild? Tame? Terrible? Rough? Smooth?

-Is the white bear worth seeing?-

-Is there no sin in it?-

Is it better than a Black One?