The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 2

Chapter 1.XII.

The Mortgager and Mortgagee differ the one from the other, not more in length of purse, than the Jester and Jestee do, in that of memory. But in this the comparison between them runs, as the scholiasts call it, upon all-four; which, by the bye, is upon one or two legs more than some of the best of Homer's can pretend to;-namely, That the one raises a sum, and the other a laugh at your expence, and thinks no more about it. Interest, however, still runs on in both cases;-the periodical or accidental payments of it, just serving to keep the memory of the affair alive; till, at length, in some evil hour, pop comes the creditor upon each, and by demanding princ.i.p.al upon the spot, together with full interest to the very day, makes them both feel the full extent of their obligations.

As the reader (for I hate your ifs) has a thorough knowledge of human nature, I need not say more to satisfy him, that my Hero could not go on at this rate without some slight experience of these incidental mementos. To speak the truth, he had wantonly involved himself in a mult.i.tude of small book-debts of this stamp, which, notwithstanding Eugenius's frequent advice, he too much disregarded; thinking, that as not one of them was contracted thro' any malignancy;-but, on the contrary, from an honesty of mind, and a mere jocundity of humour, they would all of them be cross'd out in course.

Eugenius would never admit this; and would often tell him, that one day or other he would certainly be reckoned with; and he would often add, in an accent of sorrowful apprehension,-to the uttermost mite. To which Yorick, with his usual carelessness of heart, would as often answer with a pshaw!-and if the subject was started in the fields,-with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of it; but if close pent up in the social chimney-corner, where the culprit was barricado'd in, with a table and a couple of arm-chairs, and could not so readily fly off in a tangent,-Eugenius would then go on with his lecture upon discretion in words to this purpose, though somewhat better put together.

Trust me, dear Yorick, this unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or later bring thee into sc.r.a.pes and difficulties, which no after-wit can extricate thee out of.-In these sallies, too oft, I see, it happens, that a person laughed at, considers himself in the light of a person injured, with all the rights of such a situation belonging to him; and when thou viewest him in that light too, and reckons up his friends, his family, his kindred and allies,-and musters up with them the many recruits which will list under him from a sense of common danger;-'tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes,-thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.

I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem, that there is the least spur from spleen or malevolence of intent in these sallies-I believe and know them to be truly honest and sportive:-But consider, my dear lad, that fools cannot distinguish this,-and that knaves will not: and thou knowest not what it is, either to provoke the one, or to make merry with the other:-whenever they a.s.sociate for mutual defence, depend upon it, they will carry on the war in such a manner against thee, my dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick of it, and of thy life too.

Revenge from some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at thee, which no innocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set right.-The fortunes of thy house shall totter,-thy character, which led the way to them, shall bleed on every side of it,-thy faith questioned,-thy works belied,-thy wit forgotten,-thy learning trampled on. To wind up the last scene of thy tragedy, Cruelty and Cowardice, twin ruffians, hired and set on by Malice in the dark, shall strike together at all thy infirmities and mistakes:-The best of us, my dear lad, lie open there,-and trust me,-trust me, Yorick, when to gratify a private appet.i.te, it is once resolved upon, that an innocent and an helpless creature shall be sacrificed, 'tis an easy matter to pick up sticks enough from any thicket where it has strayed, to make a fire to offer it up with.

Yorick scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny read over to him, but with a tear stealing from his eye, and a promissory look attending it, that he was resolved, for the time to come, to ride his t.i.t with more sobriety.-But, alas, too late!-a grand confederacy with...and...at the head of it, was formed before the first prediction of it.-The whole plan of the attack, just as Eugenius had foreboded, was put in execution all at once,-with so little mercy on the side of the allies,-and so little suspicion in Yorick, of what was carrying on against him,-that when he thought, good easy man! full surely preferment was o'ripening,-they had smote his root, and then he fell, as many a worthy man had fallen before him.

Yorick, however, fought it out with all imaginable gallantry for some time; till, overpowered by numbers, and worn out at length by the calamities of the war,-but more so, by the ungenerous manner in which it was carried on,-he threw down the sword; and though he kept up his spirits in appearance to the last, he died, nevertheless, as was generally thought, quite broken-hearted.

What inclined Eugenius to the same opinion was as follows:

A few hours before Yorick breathed his last, Eugenius stept in with an intent to take his last sight and last farewell of him. Upon his drawing Yorick's curtain, and asking how he felt himself, Yorick looking up in his face took hold of his hand,-and after thanking him for the many tokens of his friends.h.i.+p to him, for which, he said, if it was their fate to meet hereafter,-he would thank him again and again,-he told him, he was within a few hours of giving his enemies the slip for ever.-I hope not, answered Eugenius, with tears trickling down his cheeks, and with the tenderest tone that ever man spoke.-I hope not, Yorick, said he.-Yorick replied, with a look up, and a gentle squeeze of Eugenius's hand, and that was all,-but it cut Eugenius to his heart.-Come,-come, Yorick, quoth Eugenius, wiping his eyes, and summoning up the man within him,-my dear lad, be comforted,-let not all thy spirits and fort.i.tude forsake thee at this crisis when thou most wants them;-who knows what resources are in store, and what the power of G.o.d may yet do for thee!-Yorick laid his hand upon his heart, and gently shook his head;-For my part, continued Eugenius, crying bitterly as he uttered the words,-I declare I know not, Yorick, how to part with thee, and would gladly flatter my hopes, added Eugenius, chearing up his voice, that there is still enough left of thee to make a bishop, and that I may live to see it.-I beseech thee, Eugenius, quoth Yorick, taking off his night-cap as well as he could with his left hand,-his right being still grasped close in that of Eugenius,-I beseech thee to take a view of my head.-I see nothing that ails it, replied Eugenius. Then, alas! my friend, said Yorick, let me tell you, that 'tis so bruised and mis-shapened with the blows which...and..., and some others have so unhandsomely given me in the dark, that I might say with Sancho Panca, that should I recover, and 'Mitres thereupon be suffered to rain down from heaven as thick as hail, not one of them would fit it.'-Yorick's last breath was hanging upon his trembling lips ready to depart as he uttered this:-yet still it was uttered with something of a Cervantick tone;-and as he spoke it, Eugenius could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up for a moment in his eyes;-faint picture of those flashes of his spirit, which (as Shakespeare said of his ancestor) were wont to set the table in a roar!

Eugenius was convinced from this, that the heart of his friend was broke: he squeezed his hand,-and then walked softly out of the room, weeping as he walked. Yorick followed Eugenius with his eyes to the door,-he then closed them, and never opened them more.

He lies buried in the corner of his church-yard, in the parish of..., under a plain marble slab, which his friend Eugenius, by leave of his executors, laid upon his grave, with no more than these three words of inscription, serving both for his epitaph and elegy. Alas, poor Yorick!

Ten times a day has Yorick's ghost the consolation to hear his monumental inscription read over with such a variety of plaintive tones, as denote a general pity and esteem for him;-a foot-way crossing the church-yard close by the side of his grave,-not a pa.s.senger goes by without stopping to cast a look upon it,-and sighing as he walks on, Alas, poor Yorick!

Chapter 1.XIII.

It is so long since the reader of this rhapsodical work has been parted from the midwife, that it is high time to mention her again to him, merely to put him in mind that there is such a body still in the world, and whom, upon the best judgment I can form upon my own plan at present, I am going to introduce to him for good and all: But as fresh matter may be started, and much unexpected business fall out betwixt the reader and myself, which may require immediate dispatch;-'twas right to take care that the poor woman should not be lost in the mean time;-because when she is wanted, we can no way do without her.

I think I told you that this good woman was a person of no small note and consequence throughout our whole village and towns.h.i.+p;-that her fame had spread itself to the very out-edge and circ.u.mference of that circle of importance, of which kind every soul living, whether he has a s.h.i.+rt to his back or no,-has one surrounding him;-which said circle, by the way, whenever 'tis said that such a one is of great weight and importance in the world,-I desire may be enlarged or contracted in your wors.h.i.+p's fancy, in a compound ratio of the station, profession, knowledge, abilities, height and depth (measuring both ways) of the personage brought before you.

In the present case, if I remember, I fixed it about four or five miles, which not only comprehended the whole parish, but extended itself to two or three of the adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next parish; which made a considerable thing of it. I must add, That she was, moreover, very well looked on at one large grange-house, and some other odd houses and farms within two or three miles, as I said, from the smoke of her own chimney:-But I must here, once for all, inform you, that all this will be more exactly delineated and explain'd in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which, with many other pieces and developements of this work, will be added to the end of the twentieth volume,-not to swell the work,-I detest the thought of such a thing;-but by way of commentary, scholium, ill.u.s.tration, and key to such pa.s.sages, incidents, or inuendos as shall be thought to be either of private interpretation, or of dark or doubtful meaning, after my life and my opinions shall have been read over (now don't forget the meaning of the word) by all the world;-which, betwixt you and me, and in spite of all the gentlemen-reviewers in Great Britain, and of all that their wors.h.i.+ps shall undertake to write or say to the contrary,-I am determined shall be the case.-I need not tell your wors.h.i.+p, that all this is spoke in confidence.

Chapter 1.XIV.

Upon looking into my mother's marriage settlement, in order to satisfy myself and reader in a point necessary to be cleared up, before we could proceed any farther in this history;-I had the good fortune to pop upon the very thing I wanted before I had read a day and a half straight forwards,-it might have taken me up a month;-which shews plainly, that when a man sits down to write a history,-tho' it be but the history of Jack Hickathrift or Tom Thumb, he knows no more than his heels what lets and confounded hindrances he is to meet with in his way,-or what a dance he may be led, by one excursion or another, before all is over. Could a historiographer drive on his history, as a muleteer drives on his mule,-straight forward;-for instance, from Rome all the way to Loretto, without ever once turning his head aside, either to the right hand or to the left,-he might venture to foretell you to an hour when he should get to his journey's end;-but the thing is, morally speaking, impossible: For, if he is a man of the least spirit, he will have fifty deviations from a straight line to make with this or that party as he goes along, which he can no ways avoid. He will have views and prospects to himself perpetually soliciting his eye, which he can no more help standing still to look at than he can fly; he will moreover have various

Accounts to reconcile: Anecdotes to pick up: Inscriptions to make out: Stories to weave in: Traditions to sift: Personages to call upon: Panegyricks to paste up at this door; Pasquinades at that:-All which both the man and his mule are quite exempt from. To sum up all; there are archives at every stage to be look'd into, and rolls, records, doc.u.ments, and endless genealogies, which justice ever and anon calls him back to stay the reading of:-In short there is no end of it;-for my own part, I declare I have been at it these six weeks, making all the speed I possibly could,-and am not yet born:-I have just been able, and that's all, to tell you when it happen'd, but not how;-so that you see the thing is yet far from being accomplished.

These unforeseen stoppages, which I own I had no conception of when I first set out;-but which, I am convinced now, will rather increase than diminish as I advance,-have struck out a hint which I am resolved to follow;-and that is,-not to be in a hurry;-but to go on leisurely, writing and publis.h.i.+ng two volumes of my life every year;-which, if I am suffered to go on quietly, and can make a tolerable bargain with my bookseller, I shall continue to do as long as I live.

Chapter 1.XV.

The article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I told the reader I was at the pains to search for, and which, now that I have found it, I think proper to lay before him,-is so much more fully express'd in the deed itself, than ever I can pretend to do it, that it would be barbarity to take it out of the lawyer's hand:-It is as follows.

'And this Indenture further witnesseth, That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and, by G.o.d's blessing, to be well and truly solemnized and consummated between the said Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaid, and divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him thereunto specially moving,-doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with John Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs. the above-named Trustees, &c. &c.-to wit,-That in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come to pa.s.s,-That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, shall have left off business before the time or times, that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall, according to the course of nature, or otherwise, have left off bearing and bringing forth children;-and that, in consequence of the said Walter Shandy having so left off business, he shall in despight, and against the free-will, consent, and good-liking of the said Elizabeth Mollineux,-make a departure from the city of London, in order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at Shandy Hall, in the county of..., or at any other country-seat, castle, hall, mansion-house, messuage or grainge-house, now purchased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any part or parcel thereof:-That then, and as often as the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall happen to be enceint with child or children severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, during her said coverture,-he the said Walter Shandy shall, at his own proper cost and charges, and out of his own proper monies, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of her the said Elizabeth Mollineux's full reckoning, or time of supposed and computed delivery,-pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds of good and lawful money, to John Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs. or a.s.signs,-upon Trust and confidence, and for and unto the use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following:-That is to say,-That the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, or to be otherwise applied by them the said Trustees, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, with able and sufficient horses, to carry and convey the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, and the child or children which she shall be then and there enceint and pregnant with,-unto the city of London; and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and expences whatsoever,-in and about, and for, and relating to, her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof. And that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall and may, from time to time, and at all such time and times as are here covenanted and agreed upon,-peaceably and quietly hire the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach, according to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of these presents, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation, discharge, hinderance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or inc.u.mbrance whatsoever.-And that it shall moreover be lawful to and for the said Elizabeth Mollineux, from time to time, and as oft or often as she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to the time heretofore stipulated and agreed upon,-to live and reside in such place or places, and in such family or families, and with such relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of London, as she at her own will and pleasure, notwithstanding her present coverture, and as if she was a femme sole and unmarried,-shall think fit.-And this Indenture further witnesseth, That for the more effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution, the said Walter Shandy, merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, release, and confirm unto the said John Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs. their heirs, executors, and a.s.signs, in their actual possession now being, by virtue of an indenture of bargain and sale for a year to them the said John Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs. by him the said Walter Shandy, merchant, thereof made; which said bargain and sale for a year, bears date the day next before the date of these presents, and by force and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses into possession,-All that the manor and lords.h.i.+p of Shandy, in the county of..., with all the rights, members, and appurtenances thereof; and all and every the messuages, houses, buildings, barns, stables, orchards, gardens, backsides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, lands, meadows, feedings, pastures, marshes, commons, woods, underwoods, drains, fisheries, waters, and water-courses;-together with all rents, reversions, services, annuities, fee-farms, knights fees, views of frankpledge, escheats, reliefs, mines, quarries, goods and chattels of felons and fugitives, felons of themselves, and put in exigent, deodands, free warrens, and all other royalties and seigniories, rights and jurisdictions, privileges and hereditaments whatsoever.-And also the advowson, donation, presentation, and free disposition of the rectory or parsonage of Shandy aforesaid, and all and every the tenths, tythes, glebe-lands.'-In three words,-'My mother was to lay in (if she chose it) in London.'

But in order to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the part of my mother, which a marriage-article of this nature too manifestly opened a door to, and which indeed had never been thought of at all, but for my uncle Toby Shandy;-a clause was added in security of my father which was this:-'That in case my mother hereafter should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and expence of a London journey, upon false cries and tokens;-that for every such instance, she should forfeit all the right and t.i.tle which the covenant gave her to the next turn;-but to no more,-and so on, toties quoties, in as effectual a manner, as if such a covenant betwixt them had not been made.'-This, by the way, was no more than what was reasonable;-and yet, as reasonable as it was, I have ever thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen entirely, as it did, upon myself.

But I was begot and born to misfortunes;-for my poor mother, whether it was wind or water-or a compound of both,-or neither;-or whether it was simply the mere swell of imagination and fancy in her;-or how far a strong wish and desire to have it so, might mislead her judgment;-in short, whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, it no way becomes me to decide. The fact was this, That in the latter end of September 1717, which was the year before I was born, my mother having carried my father up to town much against the grain,-he peremptorily insisted upon the clause;-so that I was doom'd, by marriage-articles, to have my nose squeez'd as flat to my face, as if the destinies had actually spun me without one.

How this event came about,-and what a train of vexatious disappointments, in one stage or other of my life, have pursued me from the mere loss, or rather compression, of this one single member,-shall be laid before the reader all in due time.

Chapter 1.XVI.

My father, as any body may naturally imagine, came down with my mother into the country, in but a pettish kind of a humour. The first twenty or five-and-twenty miles he did nothing in the world but fret and teaze himself, and indeed my mother too, about the cursed expence, which he said might every s.h.i.+lling of it have been saved;-then what vexed him more than every thing else was, the provoking time of the year,-which, as I told you, was towards the end of September, when his wall-fruit and green gages especially, in which he was very curious, were just ready for pulling:-'Had he been whistled up to London, upon a Tom Fool's errand, in any other month of the whole year, he should not have said three words about it.'

For the next two whole stages, no subject would go down, but the heavy blow he had sustain'd from the loss of a son, whom it seems he had fully reckon'd upon in his mind, and register'd down in his pocket-book, as a second staff for his old age, in case Bobby should fail him. 'The disappointment of this, he said, was ten times more to a wise man, than all the money which the journey, &c. had cost him, put together,-rot the hundred and twenty pounds,-he did not mind it a rush.'

From Stilton, all the way to Grantham, nothing in the whole affair provoked him so much as the condolences of his friends, and the foolish figure they should both make at church, the first Sunday;-of which, in the satirical vehemence of his wit, now sharpen'd a little by vexation, he would give so many humorous and provoking descriptions,-and place his rib and self in so many tormenting lights and att.i.tudes in the face of the whole congregation;-that my mother declared, these two stages were so truly tragi-comical, that she did nothing but laugh and cry in a breath, from one end to the other of them all the way.

From Grantham, till they had cross'd the Trent, my father was out of all kind of patience at the vile trick and imposition which he fancied my mother had put upon him in this affair-'Certainly,' he would say to himself, over and over again, 'the woman could not be deceived herself-if she could,-what weakness!'-tormenting word!-which led his imagination a th.o.r.n.y dance, and, before all was over, play'd the duce and all with him;-for sure as ever the word weakness was uttered, and struck full upon his brain-so sure it set him upon running divisions upon how many kinds of weaknesses there were;-that there was such a thing as weakness of the body,-as well as weakness of the mind,-and then he would do nothing but syllogize within himself for a stage or two together, How far the cause of all these vexations might, or might not, have arisen out of himself.

In short, he had so many little subjects of disquietude springing out of this one affair, all fretting successively in his mind as they rose up in it, that my mother, whatever was her journey up, had but an uneasy journey of it down.-In a word, as she complained to my uncle Toby, he would have tired out the patience of any flesh alive.

Chapter 1.XVII.

Though my father travelled homewards, as I told you, in none of the best of moods,-pshawing and pis.h.i.+ng all the way down,-yet he had the complaisance to keep the worst part of the story still to himself;-which was the resolution he had taken of doing himself the justice, which my uncle Toby's clause in the marriage-settlement empowered him; nor was it till the very night in which I was begot, which was thirteen months after, that she had the least intimation of his design: when my father, happening, as you remember, to be a little chagrin'd and out of temper,-took occasion as they lay chatting gravely in bed afterwards, talking over what was to come,-to let her know that she must accommodate herself as well as she could to the bargain made between them in their marriage-deeds; which was to lye-in of her next child in the country, to balance the last year's journey.

My father was a gentleman of many virtues,-but he had a strong spice of that in his temper, which might, or might not, add to the number.-'Tis known by the name of perseverance in a good cause,-and of obstinacy in a bad one: Of this my mother had so much knowledge, that she knew 'twas to no purpose to make any remonstrance,-so she e'en resolved to sit down quietly, and make the most of it.

Chapter 1.XVIII.