The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 13

A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother's bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking of. By all that's unfortunate, quoth Dr. Slop, unless I make haste, the thing will actually befall me as it is.

Chapter 2.II.

In the case of knots,-by which, in the first place, I would not be understood to mean slip-knots-because in the course of my life and opinions-my opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. Hammond Shandy,-a little man,-but of high fancy:-he rushed into the duke of Monmouth's affair:-nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular species of knots called bow-knots;-there is so little address, or skill, or patience required in the unloosing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them.-But by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish tight, hard knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his;-in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings thro' the annulus or noose made by the second implication of them-to get them slipp'd and undone by.-I hope you apprehend me.

In the case of these knots then, and of the several obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in getting through life-every hasty man can whip out his pen-knife and cut through them.-'Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience dictate-is to take our teeth or our fingers to them.-Dr. Slop had lost his teeth-his favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, knock'd out three of the best of them with the handle of it:-he tried his fingers-alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close.-The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. Slop.-The trampling over head near my mother's bed-side increased.-Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as long as I live.-My mother gave a groan.-Lend me your penknife-I must e'en cut the knots at last-pugh!-psha!-Lord! I have cut my thumb quite across to the very bone-curse the fellow-if there was not another man-midwife within fifty miles-I am undone for this bout-I wish the scoundrel hang'd-I wish he was shot-I wish all the devils in h.e.l.l had him for a blockhead-!

My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in such a manner-he had moreover some little respect for himself-and could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it.

Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumb-my father had pa.s.s'd it by-his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.

Small curses, Dr. Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my father (condoling with him first upon the accident) are but so much waste of our strength and soul's health to no manner of purpose.-I own it, replied Dr. Slop.-They are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suspending his whistling) fired against a bastion.-They serve, continued my father, to stir the humours-but carry off none of their acrimony:-for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all-I hold it bad-but if I fall into it by surprize, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purpose-that is, I swear on till I find myself easy. A wife and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himself-but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.-'Injuries come only from the heart,'-quoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most Cervantick gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which could possibly happen to him-which forms being well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimney-piece, within his reach, ready for use.-I never apprehended, replied Dr. Slop, that such a thing was ever thought of-much less executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pour'd out the tea-'tis here upon the shelf over my head;-but if I remember right, 'tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.-Not at all, quoth Dr. Slop-the devil take the fellow.-Then, answered my father, 'Tis much at your service, Dr. Slop-on condition you will read it aloud;-so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of Rochester, writ by Ernulphus the bishop-with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled Ernulphus himself-he put it into Dr. Slop's hands.-Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows-my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero as loud as he could all the time.

(As the geniuneness of the consultation of the Sorbonne upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied by others-'twas thought proper to print the original of this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr. Shandy returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of Rochester.)

Chapter 2.III.

Textus de Ecclesia Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.

Excommunicatio.

Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctaeque et entemeratae Virginis Dei genetricis Mariae,-

-Atque omnium coelestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium apolstolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt cantic.u.m cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,-Excommunicamus, et vel os s vel os anathematizamus hunc furem, vel hunc Os malefactorem, N.N. et a liminibus sanctae Dei ecclesiae sequestramus, et aeternis vel i n suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, c.u.m Dathan et Abiram, et c.u.m his qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede a n.o.bis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et ficut aqua ignis extinguatur lu- vel eorum cerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi resque- n n rit, et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen.

os Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui homi- os nem creavit. Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro homine pa.s.sus est.

Maledicat os illum Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo ef- os fusus est. Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostra salute hostem triumphans ascendit.

os Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et os perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sa- os crarum. Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, princ.i.p.atus et potestates, omnisque militia coelestis.

os Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus. Maledicat os illum sanctus Johannes Praecursor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et caeteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistae, qui sua praedicatione mundum universum converte- os runt. Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est.

os Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quae mundi vana causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt. Male- os dicant illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deo dilecti inveniuntur.

os Maledicant illum coeli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.

i n n Maledictus sit ubicunque, fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in via, sive in semita, sive in silva, sive in aqua, sive in ecclesia.

i n Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo,-- manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.

i n Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis.

i n Maledictus sit intus et exterius.

i n i Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus n i n sit in cerebro. Maledictus sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, in labris sive molibus, in labiis, in guttere, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore, in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in c.o.xis, in genubus, in cruribus, in pedibus, et in unguibus.

Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque ad plantam pedis-non sit in eo sanitas.

Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suae majestatis imperio- -et insurgat adversus illum coelum c.u.m omnibus virtutibus quae in eo moventur ad d.a.m.nandum eum, nisi penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit.

Amen. Fiat, fiat. Amen.

Chapter 2.IV.

'By the authority of G.o.d Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour.' I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my father-as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloud-and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great inclination to hear it-I may as well read it to myself. That's contrary to treaty, replied my father:-besides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr. Slop did not altogether like it,-but my uncle Toby offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them;-Dr. Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle Toby's whistling-as suffer my uncle Toby to read it alone;-so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin-he read it aloud as follows-my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though not quite so loud as before.

'By the authority of G.o.d Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect of G.o.d,-May he' (Obadiah) 'be d.a.m.n'd' (for tying these knots)-'We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of G.o.d Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord G.o.d, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him' (Obadiah, of the knots which he has tied) 'and make satisfaction' (for them) 'Amen.

'May the Father who created man, curse him.-May the Son who suffered for us curse him.-May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him' (Obadiah)-'May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.

'May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of G.o.d, curse him.-May St. Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.-May all the angels and archangels, princ.i.p.alities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.' (Our armies swore terribly in Flanders, cried my uncle Toby,-but nothing to this.-For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.)

'May St. John, the Praecursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ's apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to G.o.d Almighty, curse him' (Obadiah.)

'May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, d.a.m.n him-May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of G.o.d, d.a.m.n him-May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, d.a.m.n him,' (Obadiah) 'or her,' (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots.)

'May he (Obadiah) be d.a.m.n'd wherever he be-whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.-May he be cursed in living, in dying.' (Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence.-Dr. Slop, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running ba.s.s all the way.) 'May he be cursed in eating and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in p.i.s.sing, in s.h.i.+tting, and in blood-letting!

'May he' (Obadiah) 'be cursed in all the faculties of his body!

'May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!-May he be cursed in the hair of his head!-May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex,' (that is a sad curse, quoth my father) 'in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!

'May he be d.a.m.n'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!

'May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin,' (G.o.d in heaven forbid! quoth my uncle Toby) 'in his thighs, in his genitals,' (my father shook his head) 'and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails!

'May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no soundness in him!

'May the son of the living G.o.d, with all the glory of his Majesty'-(Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew-w-w-something betwixt the interjectional whistle of Hay-day! and the word itself.)-

-By the golden beard of Jupiter-and of Juno (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen wors.h.i.+ps, which by the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial G.o.ds, and G.o.ds aerial and aquatick-to say nothing of the beards of town-G.o.ds and country-G.o.ds, or of the celestial G.o.ddesses your wives, or of the infernal G.o.ddesses your wh.o.r.es and concubines (that is in case they wore them)-all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment;-every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by-by all these beards together then-I vow and protest, that of the two bad ca.s.socks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered his-to have stood by, and heard my uncle Toby's accompanyment.

-'curse him!'-continued Dr. Slop,-'and may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and d.a.m.n him' (Obadiah) 'unless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,-so be it. Amen.'

I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.-He is the father of curses, replied Dr. Slop.-So am not I, replied my uncle.-But he is cursed, and d.a.m.n'd already, to all eternity, replied Dr. Slop.

I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle Toby.

Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle Toby the compliment of his Whu-u-u-or interjectional whistle-when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but one-put an end to the affair.

Chapter 2.V.

Now don't let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own; and because we have the spirit to swear them,-imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too.

I'll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoisseur:-though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing,-as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, &c. &c. the whole set of 'em are so hung round and befetish'd with the bobs and trinkets of criticism,-or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a pity-for I have fetch'd it as far as from the coast of Guiney;-their heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and compa.s.ses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be p.r.i.c.k'd and tortured to death by 'em.