One Hundred Merrie And Delightsome Stories Part 70

"My dear, you know that very often you were ill and weak--although not so ill as I see you now--and I did not dare to challenge you to combat whilst you were in that condition, fearing that it might make you worse.

But be sure that if I refrained from embracing you, it was only out of love and affection to you."

"Hold your tongue, liar that you are! I was never so ill and weak that I should have refused the battle. You must seek some other reason if you would obtain your pardon, for that one will not help you; and since there is now nothing to be done, I will tell you, wicked and cowardly man that you are, that there is no medicine in the world which will so quickly drive away the maladies of us women as the pleasant and amorous society of men. Do you see me now weakened and dried up with disease?

Well! all that I want is your company."

"Ho, ho!" said the other; "then I will quickly cure you."

He jumped on the bed and performed as well as he could, and, as soon as he had broken two lances, she rose and stood on her feet.

Half an hour later she was out in the street, and her neighbours, who all looked upon her as almost dead, were much astonished, until she told them by what means she had been cured, when they at once replied that that was the only remedy.

Thus did the good merchant learn how to cure his wife; but it turned out to his disadvantage in the long run, for she often pretended to be sick in order to get her physic.

STORY THE NINETY-FIRST -- THE OBEDIENT WIFE. [91]

By The Editor.

_ Of a man who was married to a woman so lascivious and lickerish, that I believe she must have been born in a stove or half a league from the summer sun, for no man, however well he might work, could satisfy her; and how her husband thought to punish her, and the answer she gave him._

When I was lately in Flanders, in one of the largest towns in the province, a jovial fellow told me a good story of a man married to a woman so given to venery and concupiscence that she would have let a man lie with her in the public streets. Her husband knew well how she misbehaved herself, but he was not clever enough to prevent it, so cunning and depraved was she. He threatened to beat, to leave her, or to kill her, but it was all a waste of words; he might as well have tried to tame a mad dog or some other animal. She was always seeking fresh lovers with whom to fornicate, and there were few men in all the country round who had not tried to satisfy her l.u.s.t; anyone who winked at her, even if he were humpbacked, old, deformed, or disfigured in any way, could have her favours for nothing.

Her unfortunate husband, seeing that she still continued this life in spite of all his menaces, tried to hit upon a method to frighten her.

When he was alone with her in the house, he said;

"Well, Jehanne (or Beatrix, for so he called her) I see that you are determined to continue this life of vice, and, however much I may threaten to punish you, you take no more heed of me than though I held my tongue."

"Alas, husband," she replied, "I am much to be pitied, but there is no help for it, for I was born under a planet which compels me to go with men."

"Oh, indeed," said the husband, "is that your destiny? I swear I will soon find a remedy for that."

"You will kill me then," she said, "for nothing else will cure me."

"Never mind," he said. "I know the best way."

"What is it?" she asked. "Tell me."

"Morbleu!" he said, "I will give you such a doing some day, that I will put a quartette of babies in your belly, and then I will leave you to get your own living."

"You will?" she cried. "Indeed! Well, you have but to begin. Such threats frighten me very little, I do not care a farthing for them. May I have my head shaved if I attempt to run away. (*) If you think you are capable of making four babies at once, come on, and begin at once--the mould is ready."

(*) Long hair was considered honourable, and to have the head shaved or cropped was a mark of disgrace.

"The devil take the woman," said the husband; "there is no way of punis.h.i.+ng her."

He was obliged to let her fulfil her destiny, for nothing short of splitting her head open would have kept her backside quiet; so he let her run about like a b.i.t.c.h on heat amongst a couple of dozen dogs, and accomplish all her inordinate desires.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 92.jpg Women's Quarrels.]

STORY THE NINETY-SECOND -- WOMEN'S QUARRELS.

By The Editor.

_Of a married woman who was in love with a Canon, and, to avoid suspicion, took with her one of her neighbours when she went to visit the Canon; and of the quarrel that arose between the two women, as you will hear._

In the n.o.ble city of Metz in Lorraine, there lived, some time ago a woman who was married, but also belonged to the confraternity of the _houlette_ (*); nothing pleased her more than that nice amus.e.m.e.nt we all know: she was always ready to employ her arms, and prove that she was right valiant, and cared little for blows.

(*) "The frail sisterhood".

Now hear what happened to her whilst she was exercising her profession.

She was enamoured of a fat canon, who had more money than an old dog has fleas. But as he lived in a place where people came at all hours, she did not know how she was to come to her canon un-perceived.

She pondered over the matter, and at last determined to take into her confidence a neighbour of hers, a sister-in-arms also of the _houlette_, for it seemed to her that she might go and see her canon, if accompanied by her neighbour, without causing any suspicion.

As it was devised, so was it done, and she went to see the canon, as though on an affair of great importance, and honourably escorted, as has been said.

To shorten the story, as soon as our _bourgeoises_ arrived, after all due salutations, the princ.i.p.al personage shut herself up with her lover, the canon, and he gave her a mount, as he well knew how.

The neighbour, seeing the other have a private audience with the master of the house, had no small envy, and was much displeased that she could not do the same.

When the first-named woman came out of the room, after receiving what she came for, she said to her neighbour;

"Shall We go?"

"Oh, indeed," said the other, "am I to go away like that? If I do not receive the same courtesy that you did, by G.o.d I will reveal everything.

I did not come to warm the wax for other people."

When they saw what she wanted, they offered her the canon's clerk, who was a stout and strong gallant well suited for the work, but she refused him point blank, saying that she deserved his master and would have none other.

The canon was obliged, to save his honour, to grant her request, and when that was accomplished, she wished to say farewell and leave.

But then the other would not, for she said angrily that it was she who had brought her neighbour, and for whom the meeting was primarily intended, and she ought to have a bigger share than the other, and that she would not leave unless she had another "truss of oats."

The Canon was much alarmed when he heard this, and, although he begged the woman who wanted the extra turn not to insist, she would not be satisfied.