One Hundred Merrie And Delightsome Stories Part 63

"By St. John," said the lady, "that is a nice question. You have good reason to go on like this and get so warm. To look at you one would think you were cross."

"I am not in the best of tempers," he replied; "for I did not leave you so much money that you could have saved enough to buy all these utensils, hangings, and the other things that I find here. I suspect, with good reason, that our household has been increased by some friend of yours during my absence."

"By G.o.d!" replied the lady, "you are wrong to suspect me of such misconduct. I would have you to know that I am not a woman of that kind, but a better wife in every respect than you deserve; and it is not right that after all the trouble I have taken to save and economise to embellish and adorn your house and mine, that I should be reproved and scolded. That is not at all the sort of reward that a good husband should give to a chaste wife such as you have, you wicked wretch. It is a great pity I have not been unfaithful to you, and I would be if I did not value my honour and my soul."

This quarrel, though it lasted a long while, ceased for a time, for the husband thought of a plan how to find out the truth about his wife. He arranged with the cure, who was a great friend of his, that he should hear her confession, and this he did with the help of the cure, who managed the whole affair, for one morning in Easter week, the cure made the husband put on the priest's robe, and then sent word to the lady to come and confess.

It need not be asked if the husband was glad when he found himself thus disguised. He went to the chapel, and entered the confessional without saying a word; his wife approached and knelt at his feet, really believing she was confessing to the cure, and said _Benedicite_. To this her husband replied _Dominus_, as the cure had taught him, and whatever else was necessary, as well as he could manage it.

After the good woman had made a general confession, she descended to particulars, and told how, during the time that her husband had been away, a squire had been his deputy, and from him she had acquired much property, in gold, in silver, and in furniture.

G.o.d knows that the husband, when he heard this confession did not feel very comfortable; he would willingly have killed her on the spot if he had dared, nevertheless he was patient in order that he might hear the rest.

When she had said all there was to say about the squire, she accused herself of misconduct with the knight, who, like his predecessor, had paid her well. The good husband, nearly bursting with grief, had a good mind to discover himself and give her absolution without more ado, but he did nothing of the kind, and waited to hear what more she would say.

After the knight came the turn of the priest, and at this the good husband lost patience and would hear no more; he threw aside hood and gown, and, showing himself said;

"False and perfidious woman! now I see and know your treason! And would not a squire and a knight suffice you, but you must give yourself up to a priest? This vexes me more than all the other sins you have committed."

For a moment this brave dame was taken aback, but soon recovered her confidence, and with a face as calm as though she had been the most just and virtuous woman in the world, saying her prayers to G.o.d, she replied as calmly as though the Holy Spirit had inspired her,

"Poor fool! why do you thus worry yourself, you know not wherefore?

Listen to me, if you please; and be a.s.sured that I knew perfectly well that I was confessing to you. I served you as you deserved, and without one word of falsehood confessed to you the real circ.u.mstances. These are the facts: you are the squire who slept with me, for when I married you, you were a squire, and did with me as you wished; you are the knight of whom I spoke, for on your return you made me a lady; and you are the priest also, for no one who is not a priest can hear a confession."

"By my oath, my dear," he replied, "you have convinced me, and proved to me that you are a virtuous woman and that I was wrong to accuse you. I repent, and ask your pardon, and promise never to suspect you again."

"I willingly pardon you," said his wife, "since you confess your fault."

Thus, as you have heard, was the good knight deceived by the ready wit of his wife.

STORY THE SEVENTY-NINTH -- THE LOST a.s.s FOUND. [79]

By Michault De Changy.

_Of a good man of Bourbonnais who went to seek the advice of a wise man of that place about an a.s.s that he had lost, and how he believed that he miraculously recovered the said a.s.s, as you will hear hereafter._

In the fair land of Bourbonnais, where many good professions are carried on, there lived, not long ago, a doctor of G.o.d knows what sort, for never Hippocrates or Galen practised the science as he did. For instead of syrups, decoctions, electuaries, and the hundred thousand other things that physicians order to preserve the health of man, or restore it if it is lost, this good doctor of whom I am speaking had only one method of procedure, and that was to order clysters. Whatever matter was brought to him, (*) he always exhibited clysters, and generally so well did this remedy turn out that everyone was satisfied with him, and he cured them all, so that his fame spread abroad and increased in such a manner that he was called "Master" Jehan (**) by all, both in the houses of princes and lords, and in the great abbeys, and in the towns, and never was Aristotle or Galen so honoured, especially by the common people, as was our said Master. And his fame so increased that his advice was asked on every subject, and he was so incessantly in demand that he did not know what to do. If a woman had a bad, or whimsical, or capricious husband, she went to this good master for a remedy. In short, if any could give good advice it was thought that our physician was at the top of the tree in that respect, and people came to him from all parts to enquire about lost property.

(*) It was usual to bring the urine of an invalid to the physician.

(**) "Master" was then a t.i.tle of honour.

It happened one day that a poor foolish countryman had lost his a.s.s, and after seeking for it a long time, he determined to go to the wise man, who when he arrived was so surrounded by people that the countryman could not make himself heard. At last he broke through the crowd, and, in the presence of many persons, related his case, that is to say that he had lost his a.s.s, and asked the doctor to get it back for him.

The master, who was listening to others more than to him, just heard the sound of the words, and thinking he had some infirmity, turned towards him, and in order to get rid of him, said to his servants,

"Give him a clyster!"

The poor man who had lost his a.s.s, did not know what the master had said, but he was seized by the physician's servants, who led him away and gave him a clyster--at which he was much astonished, for he did not know what it was.

When he had this clyster in his belly, he went away, without saying anything more about his a.s.s, which he fully believed he should recover.

He had not gone far when his belly was so tossed about that he was forced to turn aside into a deserted hut, because of the clyster which demanded to be let out. And when he began, he made such a terrible noise, that his a.s.s, which chanced to be straying near, began to bray, and the good man rose up and cried, _Te Deum laudamus_, and went to his a.s.s, which he believed he had found by means of the clyster which he had had from the Master, who after that had incomparably more renown than ever; for he was looked-upon as the sure finder of all lost goods, and the perfect master of all science, and all this fame sprang from a single clyster.

Thus have you heard how the a.s.s was found by means of a clyster; it is a manifest fact, and one that often happens.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 80.jpg Good Measure!]

STORY THE EIGHTIETH -- GOOD MEASURE! [80]

By Michault De Changy.

_Of a young German girl, aged fifteen or sixteen or thereabouts who was married to a gentle gallant, and who complained that her husband had too small an organ for her liking, because she had seen a young a.s.s of only six months old which had a bigger instrument than her husband, who was 24 or 26 years old._

I have heard it related as true by two n.o.ble lords worthy of faith and belief, that in the borders of Germany there lived a young girl, who at the age of about 15 or 16 years was married to a worthy gentleman, who did his best to satisfy the demands which, without saying a word, all girls of that age and condition earnestly ask for. But though the poor man did his duty well, and indeed more often than he should, the performance was never agreeable to his wife, who was always sulky, and often wept as sadly as though all her friends were dead. Her good husband, seeing her thus lament, could not imagine what she could want, and asked her tenderly;

"What is the matter, my dear? Are you not as well clothed, lodged, and served, as people in our position of life can reasonably expect to be?"

"It is not that which vexes me," she replied.

"Then what can it be?" he asked. "Tell me, and if I can remedy it, I will, at whatever cost to my purse or person."

Generally, she did not reply, but still sulked, and looked miserable, at which her husband lost his patience, finding she would not tell him the cause of her grief. But he enquired so often that at last he learned partly what was the matter, for she told him that she was vexed because he was so poorly furnished with you-know-what--that is to say the stick with which you plant men, as Boccaccio calls it.

"Indeed!" said he, "and is that why you grieve? By St. Martin you have good cause! At any rate it cannot be other than it is, and you must put up with it, since you cannot change it."

This condition of affairs lasted a long time, till the husband, tired of her obstinacy, one day invited to dinner a great number of her friends, and stated the facts which have been already related, and said that it seemed to him that she had no particular cause to grieve, for he believed he was as well furnished with a natural instrument as any of his neighbours.

"And that I may be the better believed," he said, "and that you may see how wrong she is, I will show it you all."

With that he laid his furniture on the table before all the men and women there a.s.sembled, and said; "There it is!" and his wife wept louder than ever.

"By St. John!" said her mother, her sister, her aunt, her cousin, and her neighbour, "you are wrong, my dear! What do you ask? Do you expect more? Who would not be satisfied with a husband so furnished? So help me G.o.d I should deem myself very happy to have as much, or indeed less. Be comforted and enjoy yourself in future! By G.o.d, you are better off than any of us I believe."