One Hundred Merrie And Delightsome Stories Part 41

When the time came, the bride went to bed, as is the custom, and kept to the edge of the bed, and said not a word. The bridegroom came soon after, and lay on the other edge of the bed without approaching her, or saying a word and in the morning he rose without doing anything else, and hid his rods again under the bed.

When he had left the room, there came several worthy matrons who found the bride in bed, and asked her how the night had pa.s.sed, and what she thought of her husband?

"Faith!" she said, "there was his place over there"--pointing to the edge of the bed--"and here was mine. He never came near me, and I never went near him."

They were all much astonished, and did not know what to think, but at last they agreed that if he had not touched her, it was from some religious motive, and they thought no more of it for that once.

The second night came, and the bride lay down in the place she had occupied the previous night, and the bridegroom, still furnished with his rods, did the same and nothing more; and this went on for two more nights, at which the bride was much displeased, and did not fail to tell the matrons the next day, who knew not what to think.

"It is to be feared he is not a man, for he has continued four nights in that manner. He must be told what he has to do; so if to-night he does not begin,"--they said to the bride--"draw close to him and cuddle and kiss him, and ask him if married people do not do something else besides? And if he should ask you what you want him to do? tell him that you want him to ride you, and you will hear what he will say."

"I will do so," she said.

She failed not, for that night she lay in her usual place, and her husband took up his old quarters, and made no further advances than he had on the previous nights. So she turned towards him, and throwing her arms round him, said;

"Come here husband! Is this the pleasant time I was to expect? This is the fifth night I have slept with you, and you have not deigned to come near me! On my word I should never have wished to be married if I had not thought married people did something else."

"And what did they tell you married people did?" he asked.

"They say," she replied, "that the one rides the other. I want you to ride me."

"Ride!" he said. "I would not like to do that.--I would not be so unkind."

"Oh, I beg of you to do it--for that is what married people do."

"You want me to do it?" he asked.

"I beg of you to do it," she said, and so saying she kissed him tenderly.

"By my oath!" he said, "I will do it, since you ask me to though much to my regret, for I am sure that you will not like it."

Without saying another word he took his stock of rods, and stripped his wife, and thrashed her soundly, back and belly, legs and thighs, till she was bathed in blood. She screamed, she cried, she struggled, and it was piteous to see her, and she cursed the moment that she had ever asked to be ridden.

"I told you so," said her husband, and then took her in his arms and "rode" her so nicely that she forgot the pain of the beating.

"What do you call that you have just done?" she asked.

"It is called," he said, "'to blow up the backside'."

"Blow up the backside!" she said. "The expression is not so pretty as 'to ride', but the operation is much nicer, and, now that I have learned the difference, I shall know what to ask for in future."

Now you must know that the cure was always on the look-out for when the newly married bride should come to church, to remind her of her promise.

The first time she appeared, he sidled up to the font, and when she pa.s.sed him, he gave her holy water, and said in a low voice,

"My dear! you promised me that I should ride you when you were married!

You are married now, thank G.o.d, and it is time to think when and how you will keep your word."

"Ride?" she said. "By G.o.d, I would rather see you hanged or drowned!

Don't talk to me about riding. But I will let you blow up my backside if you like!"

"And catch your quartain fever!" said the cure, "beastly dirty, ill-mannered wh.o.r.e that you are! Am I to be rewarded after all I have done for you, by being permitted to blow up your backside!"

So the cure went off in a huff, and the bride took her seat that she might hear the holy Ma.s.s, which the good cure was about to read.

And thus, in the manner which you have just heard, did the cure lose his chance of enjoying the girl, by his own fault and no other's, because he spoke too loudly to her the day when he confessed her, for her husband prevented him, in the way described above, by making his wife believe that the act of 'riding' was called 'to blow up the backside'.

STORY THE FORTY-FIFTH -- THE SCOTSMAN TURNED WASHERWOMAN

By Monseigneur De La Roche.

_Of a young Scotsman who was disguised as a woman for the s.p.a.ce of fourteen years, and by that means slept with many girls and married women, but was punished in the end, as you will hear._

None of the preceding stories have related any incidents which happened in Italy, but only those which occurred in France, Germany, England, Flanders, and Brabant,--therefore I will relate, as something new, an incident which formerly happened in Rome, and was as follows.

At Rome was a Scotsman of the age of about 22, who for the s.p.a.ce of fourteen years had disguised himself as a woman, without it being publicly known all that time that he was a man. He called himself Margaret, and there was hardly a good house in Rome where he was not known, and he was specially welcomed by all the women, such as waiting-women, and wenches of the lower orders, and also many of the greatest ladies in Rome.

This worthy Scotsman carried on the trade of laundress, and had learned to bleach sheets, and called himself the washerwoman, and under that pretence frequented, as has been said, all the best houses in Rome, for there was no woman who could bleach sheets as he did.

But you must know that he did much else beside, for when he found himself with some pretty girl, he showed her that he was a man. Often, in order to prepare the lye, he stopped one or two nights in the aforesaid houses, and they made him sleep with the maid, or sometimes with the daughter; and very often, if her husband were not there, the mistress would have his company. And G.o.d knows that he had a good time, and, thanks to the way he employed his body, was welcome everywhere, and many wenches and waiting maids would fight as to who was to have him for a bedfellow.

The citizens of Rome heard such a good account of him from their wives, that they willingly welcomed him to their houses, and if they went abroad, were glad to have Margaret to keep house along with their wives, and, what is more, made her sleep with them, so good and honest was she esteemed, as has been already said.

For the s.p.a.ce of fourteen years did Margaret continue this way of living, but the mischief was at last brought to light by a young girl, who told her father that she had slept with Margaret and been a.s.saulted by her, and that in reality she was a man. The father informed the officers of justice, and it was found that she had all the members and implements that men carry, and, in fact, was a man and not a woman.

So it was ordered that he should be put in a cart and led through all the city of Rome, and at every street corner his genitals should be exposed.

This was done, and G.o.d knows how ashamed and vexed poor Margaret was.

But you must know that when the cart stopped at a certain corner, and all the belongings of Margaret were being exhibited, a Roman said out loud;

"Look at that scoundrel! he has slept more than twenty nights with my wife!"

Many others said the same, and many who did not say it knew it well, but, for their honours sake, held their tongue. Thus, in the manner you have heard, was the poor Scotsman punished for having pretended to be a woman, and after that punishment was banished from Rome; at which the women were much displeased, for never was there such a good laundress, and they were very sorry that they had so unfortunately lost her.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 46.jpg How the Nun paid for the Pears.]