You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 13

The concern over being buried alive was so real back then that the hot-ticket item for the wealthy was the "safety coffin," which allowed those inside to signal to the outside world (usually by ringing a bell or raising a flag) should they awake six feet under. Though answering that bell sounds like a good way to get ambushed by a zombie if you ask us.

And if you think you're safe, you should talk to Carlos Camejo, who got into a car accident and woke up in the middle of his autopsy. In 2007. We might suggest adding a line to your will that states you're to be buried with a gas-powered auger in your casket.

Some historians have compared Lincoln's tone of voice to "a howler monkey with its b.a.l.l.s trapped in a sewing machine."

FIVE BELOVED U.S. PRESIDENTS THE MODERN MEDIA WOULD NEVER LET INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.

WAs.h.i.+NGTON. Jackson. Roosevelt. The tall one. Other Roosevelt. And so on. These are the men who poured the foundation for the a.s.s-kicking s.p.a.cesc.r.a.per that is the United States of America. Together, they built this country with nothing but their bare hands, a fistful of stars, and an undisclosed number of dead Indians. During their presidencies, each was lauded and beloved by a majority of the nation's people.

Here's why those same beloved presidents would lose to Walter Mondale today.

5. ABRAHAM "HAMMY" LINCOLN How beloved was he?

After naming a town after him and putting his face on two kinds of money, we apologized for the insufficient tribute by carving his face into a mountain. Then we built a body for the head and put it in a giant stone temple on prime real estate in the nation's capital. Even this was insufficient for the mighty Lincoln, so we named a log and town car after him. And thus was he sated.

Why today's media would destroy him Even if he wasn't hideous under all that face camouflage, his voice sounded like SpongeBob's. All his transcendent, three-hour, world-changing speeches were delivered in a piercing falsetto contemporaries described as "shrill, squeaking, piping, unpleasant." Not to mention his "flesh, wrinkled and dry" or his "doughnut complexion." At the time, the ability to talk like a teakettle probably helped Lincoln's unamplified voice reach the nosebleeds. Nowadays, an annoying sound can easily torpedo a presidential campaign. If you don't believe it, just ask Howard Dean how he's been doing lately.

4. JAMES "WHERE'D 'E GO?" MADISON How beloved was he?

Madison wrote most of the Const.i.tution, the first ten amendments, a third of The Federalist Papers The Federalist Papers, and an early outline of The Da Vinci Code The Da Vinci Code. The man had the foresight to invent the concept of checks and balances, and the b.a.l.l.s to immediately discard them by presiding over the Louisiana Purchase as secretary of state.

You know Madison Square Garden? Guess who it's named after. Yes, for two hundred years the father of the Const.i.tution has graced every Knicks home game, Kings of Leon encore, and WrestleMania with a sense of ancient and n.o.ble wisdom.

Why today's media would destroy him Because he was tiny. Not just small, pixieish. At five foot four, he was the shortest man to ever hold the office, a full seven inches shorter than the presidential average, and historians are divided on whether his weight ever made it into the triple digits. Legend has it that he gave speeches from a podium made out of an old shoe box and was sworn in on a deck of cards with a cross drawn on it. He was a tiny little man is our point.

In a media landscape where someone's gender (Hillary "No b.a.l.l.s" Clinton) or embarra.s.sing flop sweat (Richard "Slimer" Nixon) can be a political death sentence, itty-bitty Madison would have been eaten alive by the likes of Rush Limbaugh (quite literally if Limbaugh mistook him for a Keebler elf). If you don't think size matters, chew on this statistic: Up to and including the election of Barack Obama, the taller of the two candidates for president has won the election 88 percent of the time. Those are betting odds, friends. It seems voters just don't cotton to a presidential candidate they can squat press.

3. GROVER "OLD NONCONSECUTIVELY" CLEVELAND How beloved was he?

Enough to win the popular vote three times and get elected twice, nonconsecutively. That means we dumped Grover, went out with another president for a while, then came crawling back, just like he said we would in his campaign speeches and in all those sobbing voice-mail messages.

Why today's media would destroy him He pulled a Woody Allen while in office. Cleveland married a woman twenty-eight years younger than him, whom he had helped raise from infancy, in the White House itself. While the fourth estate would have a field day with that today, that kind of thing didn't faze the s.e.xual progressives of the 1880s, because Cleveland remained popular despite a campaign by his opponents calling out an illegitimate he'd sired while a lawyer in New York. Their unofficial slogan "Ma, Ma, where's my Pa?" was deftly countered by Cleveland's own "Gone to the White House. Kiss my a.s.s!"

Illegitimate children? Baby wife? Man, that's what today's media would refer to as, "Oh my G.o.d, this is so juicy I think I'm having a heart attack."

2. FRANKLIN "KING OF AMERICA" ROOSEVELT How beloved was he?

FDR got us out of the Depression and into World War II, saving the country and inventing an entire film genre in one fell swoop. He was sp.a.w.ned from the ancestral loins of Teddy Roosevelt, a man who climbed the Matterhorn on his honeymoon, lost vision in one eye while boxing in the White House, and gave an hour-long speech about the fact that he had just been shot before walking onstage. Just having Roosevelt blood in your body without your veins exploding was considered pretty impressive.

All of this made him so beloved, he got elected four times. By the fourth time, it's unclear why they even bothered holding an election.

Why today's media would destroy him Roosevelt suffered from polio, one of the most dangerous diseases of his time, and eventually died in office. If you have to be told why that wouldn't fly these days, you clearly missed the s.h.i.+t storm the media kicked up in 2008 about John McCain's age. And we might not have elected Obama if he hadn't promised to quit smoking. With each election, the candidate's medical records undergo more scrutiny. You think Roosevelt would have gotten away with polio, when John "Has Chunks of People Like You in His Stool" McCain can't get away with being over seventy?

Not to mention the inevitably leaked fact that Roosevelt's mother made him wear a dress until he was five.

1. JOHN "F'ED YOUR GIRLFRIEND" KENNEDY How beloved was he?

Kennedy dealt with the Cuban missile crisis, started the Peace Corps, and won a Pulitzer Prize all while being stunningly handsome.

To put it in perspective: Kennedy was probably the most beloved president of the past thirty years. Does anyone remember where they were when they heard he got shot?

Why today's media would destroy him He had s.e.x with someone other than his wife while president. If you'll recall, the same thing almost ended Clinton's presidency, and all he did was play target practice with an intern in a blue dress. Furthermore, his most cited affair was with Marilyn Monroe, a huge movie star at the time. That's like if Clinton had boned Julia Roberts. And even though rumors did swirl about JFK having affairs with other notable ladies of the era, he was never once questioned about it by the media or, for that matter, in a court of law. America sort of just said, "Boys will be boys." Perhaps we're more willing to accept a handsome man boning one beautiful woman than a chubby Southern guy rubbing one out on whoever happens to wander into his office. But Kennedy boned a different beautiful woman almost every day he was in office. Even if he gave O'Reilly sloppy seconds, there's no way Fox would let him get away with that s.h.i.+t.

Kennedy is still the only president to be granted jus primae noctis by popular vote.

THIRD REICH TO FORTUNE 500: FIVE POPULAR BRANDS THE n.a.z.iS GAVE US.

IN the interest of fairness and not getting sued, we'd like to make it clear that we're not accusing any of the companies below of still being pro-n.a.z.i. All of them have long disavowed Hitler's regime as being both monstrous and no longer profitable. the interest of fairness and not getting sued, we'd like to make it clear that we're not accusing any of the companies below of still being pro-n.a.z.i. All of them have long disavowed Hitler's regime as being both monstrous and no longer profitable.

5. HUGO BOSS.

No yuppie's wardrobe is complete without his standard Hugo Boss suit, s.h.i.+rt, tie, sungla.s.ses, cologne, and man thong. Even if you're too poor to afford Boss's goods, you've seen Boss ads in magazines and on billboards. You know, the ones that feature serious-looking men with hollow eyes full of infinite longing that scream, "I'm attractive and I'm really very unhappy about it."

Job with the n.a.z.is Speaking of stern, closeted white men, Hugo Boss manufactured the sleek all-black uniforms for the Schutzstaffel (SS). While today Boss uses black for slimming effects, in the SS uniforms it was used to command respect and fear. As a bonus, the black uniforms soaked up sunlight during the summer months, causing the wearer to sweat uncomfortably and stink. Take that that, n.a.z.is.

How evil were they?

It's amazing how quickly Hugo Boss went from being a family owned company teetering on the brink of bankruptcy to becoming a hugely profitable juggernaut outfitting the entire n.a.z.i army. Turns out, all you have to do is stop paying employees and introduce the motivational wonders of loaded machine guns. According to a Los Angeles Times Los Angeles Times report, Hugo Boss's n.a.z.i uniforms were likely made in factories "manned by forced labor, including concentration camp prisoners and prisoners of war." report, Hugo Boss's n.a.z.i uniforms were likely made in factories "manned by forced labor, including concentration camp prisoners and prisoners of war."

But unlike the products of some other companies on this list, the uniforms weren't directly responsible for killing people. In fact, since they actually made the wearers uncomfortable and smelly, relative to the rest of these companies Hugo Boss probably deserves a medal.

4. VOLKSWAGEN.

German automaker Volkswagen came on the scene just before World War II. The company was founded by Ferdinand Porsche, the granddaddy of those fast, expensive cars that douchebags drove in the 1980s. But before all that, Porsche was lead designer of the most ma.s.s-produced car of all time: the Volkswagen Beetle.

Job with the n.a.z.is Porsche's partner in masterminding the Beetle: Hitler. See, in 1934 ol' Adolf asked the German automobile industry to develop a "suitable small car" that could be used by everyone in Germany. The Beetle was Porsche's entry in the great n.a.z.i design-off and was apparently just what the fuhrer had in his clown-s.h.i.+t insane mind. A year later, Hitler announced that thanks to Porsche, the Third Reich had been able to "complete the preliminary designs for the German Volkswagen Volkswagen" a word that is German for "people's car."

How evil were they?

The Beetle is perhaps the most misunderstood car in history. People look at its rounded shape and anthropomorphic face and instantly think of love and peace. In reality, it was designed to Hitler's specifications and, according to the German magazine Der Spiegel, Der Spiegel, manufactured with the famous n.a.z.i work ethic, known outside of the Third Reich as "Jews from concentration camps and prisoners of war." manufactured with the famous n.a.z.i work ethic, known outside of the Third Reich as "Jews from concentration camps and prisoners of war."

You have to give credit to Porsche for designing a car so impossibly cute that we forget it was brought into this world by the worst thing that ever happened.

3. IBM.

IBM is one of the few IT companies whose history dates back to the nineteenth century. On one hand, this means it has been a Fortune 500 company since 1924. On the other, over a century of history gives you a lot of opportunities to make some monstrous PR blunders.

Job with the n.a.z.is You're probably thinking, "IBM is American! The closest America ever got to the n.a.z.is was when Indiana Jones wore that uniform as a disguise in Raiders Raiders!"

Actually, prior to the war American business took what can be generously described as a morally ambivalent stance on n.a.z.i enthusiasm for an Aryan master race. However, once the war started most American businesses disavowed Hitler's regime. IBM, on the other hand, decided to stick around and see where he was going with this whole "final solution" thing.

Back in those days, the only way to keep track of huge databases was with an extremely complicated system involving punch cards, and IBM was the best at constructing and maintaining those databases. Its databases could keep track of anything: financial ledgers, medical records, Jews . . .

As soon as the n.a.z.is invaded a country, they would overhaul the census system using IBM punch cards and use them to track down every Jew, Gypsy, and any other non-Aryan on record.

How evil were they?

The unabashedly anticorporate doc.u.mentary The Corporation The Corporation shows actual footage of IBM punch cards used in prison camps. They tracked people based on their religion, their location, and even how they'd be executed. For instance, Prisoner Code 8 was Jew, Code 11 was Gypsy. Camp Code 001 was Auschwitz; Code 002 was Buchenwald. Status Code 5 was execution by order, and Code 6 was gas chamber. shows actual footage of IBM punch cards used in prison camps. They tracked people based on their religion, their location, and even how they'd be executed. For instance, Prisoner Code 8 was Jew, Code 11 was Gypsy. Camp Code 001 was Auschwitz; Code 002 was Buchenwald. Status Code 5 was execution by order, and Code 6 was gas chamber.

IBM claims it was a victim of circ.u.mstance. It had a subsidiary in Germany before Hitler took over, and the company just fell under n.a.z.i control, like every other company over there.

But the records suggest that's not the whole truth. IBM sent internal memos in its New York offices acknowledging that its machines were making the n.a.z.is more efficient, and it made no efforts to end the relations.h.i.+p with the German branch.

2. BAYER.

Bayer, the ma.s.sive pharmaceutical company that's most famous for making aspirin, is also behind such wonder drugs as Levitra and heroin (see page 207).

Job with the n.a.z.is As unpopular as heroin turned out to be with everyone besides jazz musicians, it's got nothing on the Bayer-produced Zyklon B gas, the stuff that killed millions of people in the camps. Bayer was once part of a large conglomerate, IG Farben, that churned out thousands of killer Zyklon B canisters. The gas was originally invented by Fritz Haber, a man whose life is so incredibly pathetic that you'd almost feel sorry for him, if he hadn't indirectly caused millions of deaths.

After he oversaw one of the deadliest uses of chemicals in warfare up to that point in history, his wife killed herself in their garden in protest. Then Hitler took over, and Haber decided to renounce Judaism to fit in, only to be told that he was still Jewish according to the n.a.z.i rule book. He died of a heart attack while fleeing the country he spent his life serving, and the chemical he originally invented to kill insects was used to kill a number of his relatives. Also, he was named Fritz, so there was probably a lot of teasing on the playground.

How evil were they?

On one hand, the company that actually manufactured the gas was just partially owned by IG Farben, and Bayer was just one part of IG Farben. On the other, Bayer at one time sponsored a scientist by the name of Josef Mengele, thus facilitating his important work in the field of being the living embodiment of the evil scientist.

1. SIEMENS.

Siemens AG is the ma.s.sive global conglomerate that makes everything from circuits to wind turbines to maglev trains. It has almost half a million employees worldwide and is listed on every stock exchange imaginable. The company had its roots back in the nineteenth century, when famed scientist Werner von Siemens got tired of discovering stuff and decided to make some money instead. While Siemens died well before the 1940s, the company he gave his name to is so evil it may as well have its corporate headquarters inside a dormant volcano.

Job with the n.a.z.is Siemens struggled in the wake of World War I and the Great Depression. When Hitler rose to power in the 1930s, the Siemens executives decided things were on the upswing and started building factories near the homey neighborhoods of Auschwitz and Buchenwald.

Like Hugo Boss and Volkswagen, its wartime resurgence was fueled by n.a.z.i Germany's version of a government bail-out: cheap slave labor. But being near two of the biggest concentration camps put Siemens in position to milk the atrocity for more war-crime-fueled profit than anyone else.

Hundreds of thousands of slave workers were employed to build all sorts of goodies for the German military to use on both the western and the eastern fronts. Though it wasn't the only company at the time supplying the German war effort, it was certainly the most prolific. Siemens was in charge of Germany's rail infrastructure, communications, power generation-the list goes on.

How evil were they?

At the height of the n.a.z.i terror during the 1940s, it was not atypical for a worker to build electrical switches for Siemens in the morning and be snuffed out in a Siemens-made gas chamber in the afternoon.

A few years ago, in an act of insensitive a.s.sholery so colossal it could blot out the sun, Siemens tried to trademark the name Zyklon with the intent of marketing a series of products under it. Including gas ovens.

This raises a few questions about Siemens's business practices, most significantly, "What the h.e.l.l is wrong with you people?"

FIVE SCIENTIFIC REASONS WHY A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

OUR culture is full of tales of the undead walking the earth, from the New Testament to our comic books. But a zombie apocalypse isn't actually possible, right? culture is full of tales of the undead walking the earth, from the New Testament to our comic books. But a zombie apocalypse isn't actually possible, right?

Right?

Guys?

Actually, it's quite possible. Here are five ways it could happen, according to science.

5. BRAIN PARASITES.

What are they?

Parasites that turn victims into mindless, zombielike servants are fairly common in nature. There's one called Toxoplasma gondii Toxoplasma gondii that seems to devote its entire existence to being terrifying. that seems to devote its entire existence to being terrifying.

This bug infects rats but can only breed inside the intestines of a cat. Knowing that it needs to get the rat inside the cat, the parasite takes over the rat's brain and makes it scurry toward the cats. The rat is being programmed to get itself eaten, and it doesn't even know it.

Of course, those are just rats, right?

How it can result in zombies Hey, did we mention that half the humans on earth are infected with toxoplasmosis and don't know it? Maybe you're one of them. Flip a coin.

If your coin just landed braaaains-side up, you should know that studies have shown that the infected will often see a change in their personality and are more likely to go insane.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse Humans and rats aren't all that different. It's why we use them to test our medications. All it would take to cause a zombie apocalypse is a more evolved version of toxoplasma that could do to us what it does to the rats. So imagine if half the world suddenly had no instinct for self-preservation or rational thought. Even less than they do now, we mean.

If you're comforting yourself with the thought that it may take forever for such a parasite to evolve, you're forgetting about all the biological weapons programs around the world busy weaponizing such bugs. You've got to wonder if those lab workers don't carry out their work under the unwitting command of the Toxoplasma gondii Toxoplasma gondii already in their brains. If you don't want to sleep at night, that is. already in their brains. If you don't want to sleep at night, that is.

Granted, these people have never been dead and thus don't fit the exact definition of zombies zombies, but we can a.s.sure you that the distinction won't matter a whole lot once the groaning hordes are clawing at your windows.

4. NEUROTOXINS.

What are they?

There are certain kinds of poisons that slow your bodily functions to the point that you'll be considered dead, even to a doctor. The poison from j.a.panese blowfish can do this.

The victims can then be brought back under the effects of a drug like stramonium (or other chemicals called alkaloids) that leave them in a trancelike state with no memory but still able to perform simple tasks like eating, sleeping, moaning, and shambling around with their arms outstretched.

How it can result in zombies Can? How about How about does does.

This has already happened in Haiti, where the word zombie zombie comes from. Just ask Clairvius Narcisse. He was declared dead by two doctors and buried in 1962. They found him wandering around the village eighteen years later. It turned out the local voodoo priests had been using alkaloid-like chemicals found in jimsonweed (or as it's known in Haiti, zombie's cuc.u.mber) to zombify people and put them to work on the sugar plantations. comes from. Just ask Clairvius Narcisse. He was declared dead by two doctors and buried in 1962. They found him wandering around the village eighteen years later. It turned out the local voodoo priests had been using alkaloid-like chemicals found in jimsonweed (or as it's known in Haiti, zombie's cuc.u.mber) to zombify people and put them to work on the sugar plantations.

So the next time you're pouring a little packet of sugar into your coffee, remember that it may have been handled by a zombie at some point.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse On the one hand, it's already happened, so that earns it some street cred. But even if some evil genius intentionally distributed alkaloid toxins to a population to turn them into a shambling, mindless horde, there is no way to make these zombies aggressive or cannibalistic.

Yet.

3. THE REAL RAGE VIRUS.

What is it?

In the movie 28 Days Later 28 Days Later, it was a virus that turned human beings into mindless killing machines. In real life, we have a series of brain disorders that do the same thing. They were never contagious, of course. Then mad cow disease came along. It attacks the cow's brain, turning it into a stumbling, mindless attack cow.

And when humans eat the meat . . .

How it can result in zombies When humans are infected with mad cow, they call it Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Check out the symptoms: Changes in gait Lack of coordination (stumbling and falling) Muscle twitching Myoclonic jerks or seizures Rapidly developing delirium or dementia The sanest guy in the office.

Sure, the disease is rare and the afflicted aren't known to chase after people in murderous mobs. But it proves widespread brain infections of the rage variety are just a matter of waiting for the right disease to come along.