Comeback Moms Part 3

The best way to deal with these people is to directly confront aggressive behavior. You should lay groundwork with your boss so when the person approaches him he has some ammo to combat their complaints. Let the pa.s.sive-aggressive stuff they do roll off of you. You wouldn't think of waving your hand in an alligator pit to see if it's feeding time; think of that next time you want to trade barbs at the cubicle wall with a slimy colleague.

Den Mothers These are the other young mothers, the women who have had children in the last five years and are still intimately familiar with the s.h.i.+ft you are going through. They balance child care and work with varying degrees of success, depending on the day, just like the rest of us. They have developed an informal support group where they pick up the slack for one another, often without even being asked. They see the look of harried desperation in one another's eyes and know. They nod their heads and fill in.

Before you were pregnant you probably looked at these women with a touch of pity and incomprehension. Pity because they always looked so stressed and unkempt. Incomprehension because you had no idea why and what they talked so avidly to each other about. Now you know. Hopefully these women will take you out to lunch and kvetch about the trials of working while lugging around thirty extra pounds, how children handle it when you work, and how they dealt with their husbands during pregnancy and after.

Grizzly Bears These are the women who didn't have children and have always resented the pregnant women prattling on about lower back pain and mothers running out early to catch a soccer game. They roll their eyes when they hear you're pregnant because you've now joined the cult of motherhood. They think you're no longer reliable or interesting to talk to (because they a.s.sume all you'll talk about is baby names).

It's best to keep a completely professional face with these women. Venture into discussing your personal life at your own risk.

Old Codgers There are still men out there who remember the good old days as the time when women were only allowed to be secretaries and school teachers. In their minds, your pregnancy is another reason women shouldn't be allowed to be corporate leaders or professionals. They may even say something to that effect to your face.

The best response to this mindset is smile and walk away. You're not going to change these guys' minds so save your breath and don't debate them. Don't try to educate them. You'll walk away frustrated and tired. Save your energy for something worthwhile like walking to the coffee shop (though you won't be getting coffee as often now that you're pregnant) with another colleague. You can vent and get something good to eat.

Before They Take a Bite Of course not all women or men will neatly fall into these categories, so how do you tell which is which? Wolf from coconspirator?

There are a few basic giveaways:

* Do they have children? It doesn't matter if you're the closest friends before you were pregnant. A woman who has never been with child won't understand constant nausea and a perpetual desire to take a nap.* Is she sixty or older? This isn't always true, but it seems like some women who struggled for equality in the workplace (more than today's crop of twentysomethings and thirtysomethings) resent the way younger women may handle work and family. They don't like how we seem to glide into jobs or how we don't tough it out at work when we have children like they did. Not the most understanding person to share a cubicle with.* Did you compete for a job? Unless she is your best friend there are probably still some feelings that she should've gotten your job-and she may still want it.* Is he compet.i.tive about everything? If he takes lunchtime basketball like it's the Cuban Missile Crisis, beware. He may look at your job like the next battle he has to wage.

Now that you have an idea of what you're in for you can plan how to tackle the new landscape of office politics. There's only one more thing you really need to prepare for-what goes on when you're not at the office.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE You think you're sailing along with your pregnancy. You've had some morning sickness, been a little groggy at morning meetings, and nodded off a couple times at your desk. No big deal. You've kept up with your work. You've been pleasant with everyone even when your hormones were telling you to rip off your cubicle neighbor's head because he brought smelly fast food to his desk two days in a row. You've managed to return everyone's e-mails even when you couldn't remember what you were supposed to pick up at the grocery store on the way home from work.

You think to yourself, Not too bad. I could breeze through this pregnancy thing.

Then you call in sick one day or you go to a doctor's appointment. That's when it hits. Pa.s.sive-aggressive coworker revenge. Anything you've let slide in the past few weeks, anything that can be exaggerated to the coworker's benefit will be brought to the boss's attention the second you're gone.

He'll slink into the boss's office with that "I really like Suzie and I hate to say this but..." att.i.tude and then he'll launch into the litany of things you've done wrong. He'll build a convincing case as to why you're incompetent. He'll ask that some responsibility be taken away from you for your own good and for the good of the office. He'll sound understanding and offer to help in any way possible, meaning he'll take over your choice a.s.signments. Sure he'll have to work later, but he doesn't mind. It's for the good of the team, meaning in a few months he'll use his added responsibilities to angle for a raise or a promotion or your job.

Your boss will be troubled. Pregnancy is the Switzerland of job performance-he has to be neutral about everything you do until after you deliver the baby. He'll debate whether or not and how to say anything to you. You are in a fragile state and he's in a delicate position. If you're friendly with your boss, he may take you to lunch and have a heart to heart there. If you're not, he may not say anything to you but work behind the scenes to change your duties. When he starts to say things to you like "No, no don't worry about that. Roger will take care of that. You already have enough on your mind," you're in real trouble. A pa.s.sive-aggressive coworker injected poison into your career, and it's starting to take hold.

PUTTING YOUR PUBLIC RELATIONS MACHINE IN HIGH GEAR.

It's preferable to nip pa.s.sive aggression in the bud, take charge, and talk to your boss before your colleague gets the chance. If you're out a lot because of morning sickness, tell your boss you're sorry about your absences. Explain what measures you've taken to make sure you're getting the work done. Do it early on so your boss has a ready-made answer to the backbiting colleague when he walks into the boss's office and closes the door.

If you've been outmaneuvered, do damage control. Take your boss aside and tell him that you know you've been a little out of it lately, but you're fine now and if you're ready to take on motherhood, you can handle any a.s.signment he throws your way. Show him in actions too. If you've slacked a bit, get back on the ball.

Head gossip and unflattering rumors off at the pa.s.s or at least quash them before they have a chance to take hold. Confront the pa.s.sive-aggressive coworker. Tell him you've been a little sick but you're feeling much better now so thanks for the sympathy and offers of "help" but you don't need any. Stay late a few nights and make sure people see you.

Leah was given a promotion instead of a female coworker shortly before she became pregnant. When Leah was in her second trimester she found out her old coworker, now her employee, spread rumors that Leah was incompetent, didn't have the needed expertise, and was sleeping on the job. The woman had cataloged every time Leah had been late to work in the past couple of months and sent out e-mails to other employees with the subject line, "Leah Watch-Does she ever work?"

When Leah found out what rumors were swirling around her she called the employee into her office. Leah told her, "I hear you don't think I'm qualified for this job and you don't like me. I have this job. You report to me. Either find someone you like to work for, or stay here and shut up." The woman did keep quiet for the next week and then she quit.

"That was the best thing I could've done. It sent a message to everyone else that I wouldn't tolerate a rumor campaign," she said.

HOW TO PREPARE YOUR FAMILY.

This can be almost as tricky as dealing with your coworkers.

A SHORT LIST OF WOMEN'S RIGHTS UNDER THE 1978 PREGNANCY DISCRIMINATION ACT* An employer cannot fire, demote, or refuse to hire a woman because she is pregnant or may become pregnant;* Pregnancy must be treated like any other employee disability or medical condition;* Women on maternity leave cannot be denied benefits-accrued vacation time, seniority, raises, etc.;* Under the federal Family and Medical Leave Act, mothers (and fathers) are ent.i.tled to twelve weeks of unpaid leave. More information is available at the EEOC's Web site (www.eeoc.gov) or by calling 800-669-4000.

Your husband and you should have discussed all the angles about your staying home months before you quit. There are huge financial, emotional, and power implications that need to be hashed out far ahead of time, including the drop in family income, whether you get an "allowance," and the division of household ch.o.r.es. We'll discuss these in detail in later chapters.

Your own mother may be a factor. She is deeply invested in one of two scenarios. Either she wants you to be home for your kids, like she was or wanted to be. Or she wants you to work, like she did or wished she had. You have to prepare her for what you decide to do. Tell her after you've charted out all the details with your husband so you can provide her with specific answers to all the questions she'll raise. Let her know how important this decision is to you and how important it is to have her full support. Then tell her you have to go if you sense she's not supportive. Give her a day or two to absorb your decision and then talk to her again. If she's still not supportive, be patient. How long did it take her to warm to your husband? That could be the kind of timeline you'll have to deal with in gaining her acceptance of your decision.

When Diane, a primary care doctor, decided to stay home with her children, her mother practically set up an intervention. Diane's mother, a physician, worked and was proud to have laid the groundwork for her daughter and other women. But she wasn't ready to accept the possibility her daughter might not want to take up the gauntlet. She raged.

Christmas that year was so tense that Diane made sure to sit at the opposite end of the table from her mother during dinner. Her mother stooped so low as to give Diane an oven mitt as a gift since she'd have plenty of time for baking now. Things have cooled off some, but the subject of Diane staying home is by no means a safe one.

Diane skirts the issue when possible. She a.s.sures her mother she'll go back to work in a couple of years. She keeps all her licenses current. It's not ideal, but it's functional.

Gretchen's mother-in-law has proven to be a problem for her. The mother-in-law worked throughout her children's youth and she can't understand what a perfectly smart woman would do at home. She also thinks it's too much of a strain on her son to be the only breadwinner in the family. She's constantly cornering Gretchen and asking her when she's going to go back to work. The husband isn't much help. He hasn't ever stood up to his mother. Gretchen employs a lot of defensive maneuvers like changing the subject, going to bed early, and avoiding visiting her.

PREPARING YOUR FRIENDS.

QUICK STEPS TO DEAL WITH MOTHERS* Figure out your financial and logistical game plan before you talk to your mother. Check out Chapter 2: Feathering the Nest for specifics on how to plan. There's no point in upsetting her for no reason. Find out if it's even possible for you to stay home first.* Distill down into a couple sentences why you feel it's important to stay home. She'll respond when you speak from the heart.* Tell her in an unstressful time. Holidays probably aren't the best moments to break the news to your mother, especially if she's in charge of cooking a dinner for twenty family members.* Make sure you have a plausible out. Have a ready-made excuse to get off the phone or leave the house if the conversation doesn't go well.* Remember she's your (or your husband's) mother. You have years to prove her wrong.

In this situation your friends are similar to your mother and possibly mother-in-law. Only tell them about your decision when you have all the answers. You can test out the idea while you're thinking about it with one or two of your closest friends. Beware. If they're going through a similar thing, they may be arguing their own issues rather than yours. Or worse, if they don't have kids, they don't understand what the big deal is. They think, "I juggle my dog and work. What's the big deal?" You may even hear lines like "Having a baby is just like raising a puppy." Take a deep breath and know that you were as insensitive to your friends when they were having babies and you were the childless chick.

Simple things to do with friends:

* Don't talk about the pregnancy and motherhood nonstop with your childless friends. They'll feel like you're talking about a club in which they're not a member.* Pick one or two friends to really unload with about how hard everything is. Rant for an hour and get it out of your system.* Don't make this rant a set piece of dinner conversation.* Always ask about what's going on in your friends' lives and really listen to the answers. The world doesn't revolve around you because you're pregnant.* If you already have children and are leaving work having actually tried to balance work and family, describe to your friends the challenges you've faced trying to manage everything and let them know how excited you are to have the opportunity to finally totally be there for your kids. Genuine friends will share your happiness.

4.

Money and Power Constructing a New Life on the Home Front We are positive that your husband is a loving and considerate man. Under normal circ.u.mstances, he listens or pretends he's listening to you and agrees with most of what you're saying or at most disagrees until something good comes on TV.

These aren't normal circ.u.mstances. Transitioning from working to staying home to going back to work brings volcanic eruptions of conflict and simmering resentment. You're not always going to like your husband. At times he's going to be a downright red-faced brat. Though in all fairness, there will be times he can say the same for you.

STAYING AT HOME.

Things change when you stay at home. A lot of the s.h.i.+fts are small.

Your husband will look appraisingly at the cleanliness of the house. Is there dust on the floor? Is the garbage full? What have you been doing all day?

You will feel antsy about dirty dishes in the sink. You'll wonder if you should do more laundry. You'll ask your husband for help vacuuming on a Sunday afternoon and he'll say he's too tired from work.

You'll think, "Hey, I'm not your domestic." You'll think this isn't what you signed on for and what about that equal rights thing. But then again, you're the one who's at home more, you're not making money, and you want to be helpful. In short, you'll be conflicted.

You'll frantically rack your brain for something interesting to say in response to your husband's comments on million-dollar deals, pressing legislation, or the mean cow in the office. You have no deals, legislation, or even an office.

MONEY-SOLE BREADWINNER Anything dealing with money is uncomfortable to discuss. Just the mention of money is enough provocation to send most people into cold sweats, prompt stomach pain, or at least an eye roll, and sense of approaching doom. We know we feel that way whenever someone mentions how much we should've saved for retirement by now versus how much we actually have saved-we curse Nordstrom and its shoe department. We aren't the millionaires next door.

We're preparing you because even the most mild-mannered husband goes through severe growing pains once it truly sinks in that he's the sole breadwinner. There's not another paycheck coming. No last-minute financial boon, unless you win the lottery. His check is it. In the dozens of surveys we've seen and interviews we've conducted, most men don't want or expect to be the sole earner.

Most men think that the enlightened, liberated, high-powered women they married will be their financial equals. A few are aware that their wives want to stay home, but they think that's talk not reality, like when you say you're going to learn French. Even if they expect and encourage you to stay home, they still will freak out.

Let us explain.

Until now, your husband has never been financially responsible for anyone except himself. Most likely throughout dating and marriage you've been an accomplished earner, at times even making more than him. He's used to this dynamic.

He's had a lot of discretionary income. On a whim, he could plunk down the cash for a plasma screen TV or a Barcalounger. In a sense this financial independence is his last vestige of single-dom and frat-like youth. He's never had to say "I have to check with the wife on that one."

Most men will fight like terriers to maintain that remnant of youth and freedom. It doesn't matter whether or not you both agreed that you would stay home with the children far before you had children. It's not a factor.

His fear of middle-age paunch, receding hairlines, and becoming like his dad is overwhelming. It's visceral, not intellectual. He doesn't want to grow up and have the responsibility of a whole family resting on his shoulders.

Sean, husband of a stay-at-home mom, said most women have no idea what kind of stress and pressure men go through being the only moneymaker-single mothers excluded.

"Most women go from being supported by their parents to supporting themselves for a few years to having their husbands support them. They've never had to say, 'If I lose my job two other people will suffer,'" Sean said.

He has spent several nights awake plotting his career path, worrying about losing his clients, and praying his bonus that year will be enough to cover the family vacation.

"I'm positive my wife has never lost a wink of sleep over any of that. She thinks everything will work out. She has a childish perception of reality," he said. "She has no idea, honestly no idea, what I deal with on a day to day basis."

It gets to him.

Jeff told us it bothered him that his wife said she knew he'd get the job he interviewed for because he's so good. He said on the surface this sounded like a compliment but underneath he felt like she didn't appreciate the work that went into getting the job, developing the contacts, or trying to make so much money. She made it sound like what he did was child's play.

These men and many others harbor resentment over being the sole breadwinners and the perception that they're not being appreciated for it. That resentment creeps into their att.i.tudes toward their wives and into almost everything they do.

Alan won't let his wife handle their finances because she's not earning the money so he doesn't feel she understands it. Plus, he says she buys silly things like fancy dish detergent and she doesn't negotiate their insurance rates like he does. Rod says he doesn't value his wife's advice about work because she has not been out in the work world for years. He'll usually wave her off when she starts to offer her opinion about something he should do in the office.

Before you attempt to track down the aforementioned men and introduce them to the concept of equality, remember we asked these guys to give us the unvarnished truth and we can a.s.sure you they're not the only ones who think this way.

You probably feel the lack of respect emanating from your husband on occasion. But you wave it off and say to yourself it's because he's stressed and that's part of it. It's the other part that's the real problem.

If you get a man drunk enough or comfortable enough with you, nine times out of ten he'll say the same thing: Why does my educated and able-bodied wife get to stay home while I earn the money?

Now that you know this resentment is simmering, what do you do about it?

Talking about your discomfort with money is a lot more healthy than repressing all those feelings until you can't hold them in anymore and one of you ends up doing something dramatic like cutting up her credit cards or throwing his golf clubs on the front lawn.

You have to work through his feelings of resentment because you don't want to feel like you're spending his money. You don't want him to feel that way either. It's both of yours, otherwise known as "our" money.

Steps for Dealing with a Husband's Resentment * Many husbands we talked to view their wives' time at home as more of a vacation than work. Show your husband that staying home with the kids isn't all play. Mention to him what you've done during the day, for example, dishes and laundry, going to the playground and the pediatrician's office. You know, many of the things he used to do as well when you both worked. If he sees your contribution more tangibly, he may calm down.* Acknowledge the resentment. Then slowly take him back through the decision-making process you both went thorough to establish that you'd stay home.* Talk him through the changes you'd have to make if you went back to work right now, for example child care arrangements, domestic help, etc.* Talk to him about what your long-term plan is. Do you intend to get a job in two, five, or ten years? Tell him what concrete things you are doing currently to keep engaged in the professional world.

This issue is going come up again and again even if you talk about it. It will surface at the oddest times like when you purchase a pair of forty dollar flip-flops and he questions whether you need them and asks why you can't get by with the five dollar drugstore variety. But if you talk about it, money resentment will come up a lot less. Reinforcement isn't only a tool to get your children to make their beds.

ASKING FOR MONEY.

A mature woman should never have an allowance. You're not twelve. Your husband isn't your parent. For years you've been able to support yourself, contribute to your 401k, and pay taxes. You should be rewarded for all those achievements and the simple fact that you and your husband are partners by having an equal say in the money.

Talk to him about the household budget. Make sure you both have an understanding of what's coming in and what has to go out every month. You'll have fewer arguments if you both understand what groceries, diapers, gym members.h.i.+p, etc., cost. Get a joint account and two debit cards. Both of you are responsible adults and you should be able to have equal access to money.

Never get yourself in a situation like Johanna did. Her husband was so ironfisted with the money that he handed over thirty dollars each week that she could use to pay for gas, go out to lunch, and buy things the children needed like toys. The only other form of money she had was a Target charge card. She didn't have a debit card or any other credit card.

It was sad to see her for weeks on end refusing to go out to lunch, even to McDonald's, because she couldn't afford it.

Johanna finally got sick of her financial prison and started bartering with friends. She'd buy what they needed at Target on her charge card and they paid her back with cash. She used that cash to fund her weekly activities. Her husband saw the Target bills go up a couple of hundred dollars a month, but didn't say anything.

Riley is terrified of buying clothes. We mean any kind of clothes because she's afraid her husband will yell at her for being frivolous. He screamed at her five years ago when she came home with a Burberry coat. She hasn't bought a new coat since. Riley's worn that coat so many times its pockets have holes in them. Her husband sports new suits, handmade s.h.i.+rts, and made-to-order shoes. He has a shoemaker in London he visits twice a year. The contrast between their appearances is startling. They don't look like they live in the same tax bracket, let alone share a bedroom.

We support fiscal responsibility except when it's based on fear and rides on the back of one half of a couple. It's not his money; it's the family's money.

Hopefully you've had the discussion about an allowance. If you haven't, tell him that's not the way it's going to work. What's more important, a happy wife or all-encompa.s.sing control over your pocketbook? He needs to compromise. You're a responsible adult who can handle the family finances. You know how to add and subtract and have been doing it for years. Better yet, you now have the time and incentive to be in charge of the finances. You can take that responsibility off your husband's hands. There's also the little matter of you raising his children with no compensation, for which he should be grateful and understanding.

Most of the men we've talked to say they understand their wives' need for financial independence and most of the time they support them, but they say they want the wives to show their appreciation.

"I'd like my wife to acknowledge that she has a nice life because of what I do. If she'd married someone else who knows what she'd be doing now. I give her a comfortable life," one man said.

The clotheshorse with the shoemaker in London says that he absolutely encourages his wife to go shopping but she's not into it. He even buys her clothes on trips and picks out things at Barneys for her to try on.

This confused us, until his wife pointed out that 90 percent of the time he's fabulous about money and shopping. It's the other 10 percent of the time when he acts like a hyperactive gorilla on acid that's the problem. It's the "I make the money" syndrome, which we'll get to shortly.

BIG PURCHASES.

Once you've mastered the joint account thing, you can move on to big purchases.

There are certain items that turn us all into kids in a candy store. For us, it's shoes, purses, a nicely constructed leather jacket, most sparkly jewelry, down-stuffed couches...the list goes on.