Doesticks, What He Says Part 18

Almost time to close the polls, but the inspector kept the box open twenty minutes after sundown to receive the votes of sixteen promiscuous rascals, who had been habeas corpused from the Tombs, and who voted every man for Hoggs.

Polls closed; intense excitement; bonfires built; squibs, rockets, guns and Chinese crackers; liquor scarce, the candidates having cut off the supply as soon as the voting was over.

Crowd sat down in bar-rooms and engine-houses, and crowded about the secret rooms to get dispatches; about twelve o'clock they began to come: it was soon evident that Noggs was beaten, Boggs was distanced, and Scroggs was nowhere; it was Hoggs everywhere; Hoggs in the street; Hoggs in the tavern; Hoggs at the bonfires; Hoggs for ever; no one but Hoggs; triumphant Hoggs; victorious Hoggs; high-old Hoggs, the people's choice.

This morning Noggs's typographical organ announced the utter ruin, and speedy annihilation of the country, under the destructive rule of Hoggs, and it a.s.serted that honor, honesty and truth had left the nation; patriotism and decency had deserted hand in hand, and that the outraged G.o.ddess of liberty had taken off her night-cap, pinned up her skirts, put on a pair of cowhide boots, and bidden eternal farewell to fallen, degenerate Columbia.

On the other hand, Hoggs' papers rejoiced over the defeat of the allied armies. Bade Noggs, Boggs and Scroggs an affectionate adieu, and consigned them to oblivion; and then rejoiced that they had chosen a ruler so capable as the glorious Hoggs, the proud, far-seeing, generous, liberal, independent Hoggs, who guaranties to the people their daily gin, and nightly riots. Hoggs, the magnanimous--Hoggs, who stands up to the popular creed--unlimited whiskey--Hoggs, who remains true to his alcoholic instincts--Hoggs, who battles for the people's rights--Hoggs, who has so n.o.bly earned the t.i.tle bestowed upon him by the lager-bier shops, whose liberty he has secured, and the whiskey dens whose morality he has vouched for--HOGGS, "defender of the Faith, and leader of the Faithful."

P. S. Hurrah for _Hoggs_.

P. S. Junior.--And unlimited whiskey.

x.x.xII.

Police Adventures.--Mayor Wood around.

Having made myself so exceedingly useful to the party in the last election, I thought it not improbable that the party might not be indisposed to make itself useful to me afterwards.--Was undecided what office to ask for, but thought I would like to be an M. P.

I have so long admired the public usefulness of those blue-uniformed men, chained to big bra.s.s stars (as if they were members of some locomotive K. N. Lodge), who stand on the corners, borrow the morning papers of the newsboys and munch gratuitous peanuts from the apple-women's stalls, that I, too, felt a desire to serve the city by wearing a broadcloth suit, carrying a lignum-vitae club, and drawing my salary on pay-day.

I have often noticed the alacrity with which they pilot unprotected females across the street, boost them into stages, or land them, dry-shod, on the curb stone as the exigencies of the case may require--the ferocity with which they crack their whips at tardy omnibus drivers--the courage with which they attack the street-sweeping children, and small-sized apple-women, and the diligence with which they get the legs of their pantaloons dirty, endeavoring to keep the course of travel uninterrupted in the streets.

Having an innate love of courage and n.o.ble deeds, (my father was Captain in the artillery,) I could not but look with admiration upon the chivalrous manner in which four or five of them will undauntedly lay hold upon a single man, if _very_ drunk--and the courageous valor they display in fearlessly knocking off his hat, intrepidly twisting their fingers in his neck-cloth, unshrinkingly stepping on his toes and kicking his s.h.i.+ns, and stout-heartedly rapping his knuckles with their hard wood clubs.

Emulous to rival such doughty heroism, I made application for the situation of policeman, "Z., 785," which position had been vacated by the chief, in consequence of the late inc.u.mbent having got drunk at the corner grocery, and p.a.w.ned his uniform and star to get money to bet on a rat-terrier.

There were thirty-six applicants of various nations, for the post--soon saw that Yankees stood no kind of a chance--so swore I was an Irishman, and proved my birth by carrying a hod of mortar to the top of a five story building without touching my hands--after that had more of a sight, but found I had a powerful rival in the person of a six foot Welshman, a rod and a half across the shoulders, with a fist like a pile-driver--both swore we were "dimmycrats."

They asked us what we had done to secure the election of the regular ticket.

Welshman said he had voted twice, built bonfires, carried flags, torn down the handbills of the opposite party, and that just before the time for voting was up, perceiving a crowd of our opponents about the polls, he had raised an alarm of fire and got an engine company to come tearing through the crowd and scatter them so that they couldn't get their votes in before the doors closed.

Now came my turn--told them I had got up six free fights, challenged fourteen whig voters, knocked the hats over the eyes of eight of them and changed their tickets in the confusion, thereby making them vote for Hoggs, when their bread and b.u.t.ter depended upon the election of Noggs.

Swore also that I had voted in eight different wards, (three times in the 46th by the aid of a red wig and a pair of false whiskers)--and also that I had a.s.sociated with me in my operations, a genteel party of eleven Dutchmen, made them all swear in their votes at every place I did, and at three o'clock in the afternoon, when lager-bier had done its worst, and they were so far overcome with their patriotic exertions, that they couldn't hold their heads up, I locked them safely in a barn, so that the whigs might not find them, drown them with a sober hydrant stream, and put them through the same exercise all over again.

Told them I had finished the day by getting up a row in the office, breaking the inspector's spectacles with a brick, and slipping into the ballot-box sixty-three votes for Hoggs before he got the gla.s.s out of his eyes.

Welshman couldn't talk so fast, and so they decided that I was the best qualified, and had the strongest claims.

Got the appointment, had my uniform made, was presented with a star and a club, and entered upon the performance of my duties.

Was stationed at the corner of Maiden Lane and Broadway, to keep the street clear--endeavored to do it--express-man's horse fell down--tried to get him up--ungrateful horse--very--turned over suddenly, threw me down--spoiled my pantaloons, and bit a long piece out of my coat collar.

Got him up at last, and while the driver was reloading his vehicle, tried to put on the gearing--never tried to harness a horse before, don't think I could do it well without practice.

Got the breeching over his eyes, the hames between his foreshoulders, buckled the belly-band round his ears, forgot the collar entirely, and hooked the traces to the fore-wheels--driver didn't seem to like my way of doing things, but at last he got every thing fixed right and pa.s.sed along.

Alarm of fire--tried to keep the engines from running on the sidewalk--as a reward for trying to do my duty, got run over by two hose-carts, and a hook and ladder truck, and was knocked bodily into an ash-box by the foreman of engine 73.

Mighty torrent of opposing vehicles got jammed--stages, carts, coal-waggons, drays, hackney-coaches, two military companies with a bra.s.s-band, a four-horse hea.r.s.e with a long funeral procession.

Every body very obstinate, wouldn't move--tried to disentangle them--got bewildered, made every thing worse--horses fell down, stages fell on top of them--mourners escaped with their lives--coffin didn't--hea.r.s.e tipped over and pitched into a swill-cart--soldiers stuck their bayonets through the omnibus windows, ladies screamed, drivers yelled--got scared--didn't know what I was about, ordered everybody to go everywhere, put half the mourners into a Crystal Palace stage, and sent them up town, and the rest into a private coach, and sent them _down_ town--got the coffin out of the swill-tub, and despatched it by express to the Hudson River Railroad.

Couldn't with all my exertions get the tangle unsnarled, and it was only eventually accomplished by the Captain of the Police Division, who came to my a.s.sistance, and made every thing all right in about two minutes and a half.

Was sent to a drinking saloon to take a couple of river thieves--found the place, arrested two suspicious-looking persons, got them to the Chief's office after a great deal of trouble, and then discovered that I had let the right men go, and secured only the bar-tender and one of the waiters.

Was sent with half a dozen others to capture a notorious burglar--tracked him to his house--the rest went inside to look for him, and left me to watch the garden wall to see that he didn't get out that way.

Saw a man getting over, rushed up to him, asked him who he was--said he was a stranger in the city, that the wind had blown his hat over the wall, and, having recovered it, he was just climbing back; gentlemanly-looking man--believed his story, helped him over, asked if I shouldn't brush his clothes, said he had an appointment and couldn't wait; let him go, and he disappeared round the corner just as the rest of my company came down stairs after an unsuccessful search for the burglar; asked if I'd seen anybody--told them about it--and Sergeant informed me that I'd been helping the very man to escape whom they were trying to take.

Believed him for I now discovered that he had stolen my week's salary from my pocket, and an "Albert tie" and a false collar from my neck, while I was helping him over the wall; got reprimanded by the Chief, but not discharged.

Next day saw a row; knew my duty perfectly well in this instance.

Turned down the nearest street and went into a rum-shop; man followed me in, and, as I was taking a "brandy-smash," he stepped up and asked me my name; told him none of his business; asked me again; told him if he didn't shut up I'd break his mouth.

He went off, and I returned to the field of battle and took into custody a man with his head cut open, who was lying across the curb-stone; led him to the Station House, and complained of him for breaking the peace.

Next day was summoned before the Mayor; thought I was going to receive a public compliment for doing my duty, and perhaps get promoted--have my salary raised--and presented with a medal.

Had never seen the Mayor; went into the room, and saw, sitting in the big chair, the man who had asked me the day before what my name was, whose mouth I had threatened to break, and who I now discovered was Mayor Wood.

He asked me my name; didn't say anything about breaking his mouth _this_ time; he informed me that the city had no further occasion for my services; hadn't any thing to say; took off my star, gave up my club, and left the presence, resolved that if another man asks my name, to tell him politely,

Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.

P. S.--I have just got a note, saying that my back salary will not be paid. Shall sue the city, for I know that in the fighting business I did my duty as an M. P. according to police usage from time immemorial.

What right has Mayor Wood to come in and upset ancient customs with his new-fangled notions? He may go to thunder.

x.x.xIII.

Damphool Defunct--Place of his Exile--Description thereof--and Exit.

Sorrow is upon the heart, a heavy grief upon the soul, and a great affliction in the home of me, Doesticks. My friend, the charm of my chamber, the comforter of my lonely hours, the treasure of my heart, the light of my eyes, the suns.h.i.+ne of my existence, the borrower of my clean s.h.i.+rts and my Sunday pantaloons, the permanent clothing and fancy goods debtor of my life, is no more.

My sack-cloth garment is not as yet complete, my tailor having disappointed me; but dust and ashes lie in alternate strata, undisturbed upon the head of me, Doesticks.

Weep with me, sympathizing world; bear a helping hand to lift away this heavy load of sorrowful sorrow, of woeful woe, of bitter bitterness, of agonizing agony, of wretched wretchedness, and torturing torture, which now afflicts with its direful weight the head of me, Doesticks.