Perfect Behavior Part 5

Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist?

Ans.--Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe --SHOOT! "Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Va.s.sar?"

Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low sigh: "After all--Beethoven IS Beethoven."

CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL

The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as "Yes--of course, she has technique--but, my dear, so has an electric piano." This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr.

Duo-Art and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word "soul"--p.r.o.nounced with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter--may be introduced effectively several times.

The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this faux pas is committed, unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the REAL conclusion. This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain altogether from any expression of approval--a procedure which is heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the practise among the majority of the critics.

IN A BOX AT THE OPERA

The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the same way that the army drill command of "At Ease!" differs from "Rest!"

When one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a battalion in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that command.

Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance--at least while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one can devote one's entire attention to other more important things, safe in one's knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the Vic.

In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of study and preparation is required in advance; I have not s.p.a.ce at this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Tecla and Pinaud.

Upon entering one's box the true opera lover at once a.s.sumes a musical att.i.tude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the aid of a pair of strong opera gla.s.ses, she may proceed to scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes--noting carefully any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this connection, includes "unearthly creature," "stray leopard" or, simply, "that person."

Your two magical formulas--the Russian "w" and the sad story about Rachmaninoff's daughter--may, of course, be held in reserve--but the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during an evening at the opera there will probably be no mention of music.

CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS

SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION

In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or gin,--there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more socially prominent people, liquor--or its equivalent--is openly being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts have met, for the most part, with scant success.

The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors d'oeuvres.

The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual procuring of a better cla.s.s of dry agent. There are signs (though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our younger college generation are already casting envious eyes toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the exciting life of the professional bootlegger.

It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition Enforcement Officer.

At present the chief difficulty seems to lie in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to look with distaste on what he calls p.u.s.s.yfooting and sneaking.

People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the "sneak" will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor's affairs.

THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT

Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one--for, luckily, as soon as a man's code of honor has been elevated to the extent that it permits him to take up a career of p.u.s.s.y-footing there is generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have to what is often called bribery.

Thus, by a fortunate combination of circ.u.mstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune.

But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard p.u.s.s.yfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the slightest provocation.

PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL

Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief are sitting around the Dry Agent's Club and he says to you, "Izzy--I see by the paper that there's a swell society masquerade ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it." At this point you doubtless say, "Chief, I'm afraid I can't use my squad. My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses'

dressing rooms at the Hippodrome" and then the Chief says, "Well, Izzy, you'll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by yourself."

A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES

Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you have a high voice (although really there is no reason for supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies' disguises is that of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however, that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the ill.u.s.trated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the masquerade as an allegorical figure--say "2000 Years of Progress"--you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent member of the n.o.bility--for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on our better cla.s.s subways and street cars, and can be obtained at a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store.

Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly conceal your real ident.i.ty. You might, for example, attend the ball as Jurgen--a costume which would a.s.sure you a pleasurable evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal satisfaction, go as an Indian.

It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in this way. And the costume is quite easy--simply wear a pleated soft-bosom dress s.h.i.+rt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends of your black tie under your collar.

{ill.u.s.tration caption = Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be presented to the Bride or to the Groom PERFECT BEHAVIOR has, we feel, settled the question of future happiness in many a new-made home.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte '69.

Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in getting at its contents? The correct methods of choosing and using table hardware are explained in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The young couple in the picture are trying to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a house-party. Had they consulted their PERFECT BEHAVIOR they would have known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to write the attached model letter.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of health. Such an att.i.tude toward a wedding is in the worst possible taste. PERFECT BEHAVIOR tells all about the correct appearance and conduct of Bridegrooms.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room.

This const.i.tutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman.

PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have told him how the man of birth and breeding learns to face anything with perfect "Sang froid."}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has failed to make at once the pun "de rigueur" on the words "best man." An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, which?

PERFECT BEHAVIOR covers the whole subject of making the "best man" pun authoritatively.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The young man at the right does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of doing what he should do under the circ.u.mstances, he is making himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing "Mademoiselle from Alabam'." Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR he would have known better than to have selected him.}

GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID

After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a breath.

The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your ident.i.ty; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to remain inconspicuous.

A good whisky breath can usually be obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quant.i.ty of the liquor in the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at present being manufactured for domestic consumption several brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve several of your more important teeth.

On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good breath--you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, probably, as Martha Was.h.i.+ngton, will run up and kiss you. This is not because she thinks you are George Was.h.i.+ngton; it is because she drank that eighth Bronx c.o.c.ktail at dinner.

And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate lack of social training.

The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental rule of all social etiquette--common sense. Return the lady's kiss in an easy, natural manner and pa.s.s on. If she follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from embarra.s.sing you with her attentions during the rest of the evening.