Perfect Behavior Part 10

Here's your d.a.m.n money. I was a fool to give you odds.

ED.

P. S. What happened at the Na.s.s? I woke up Sunday with a terrific welt on my forehead and somebody's hat with the initials L. G.

T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S.

Please for G.o.d's sake don't cash this check until the fifteenth or I'm ruined.

And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same letter be indited.

A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory

MY DEAR "FRIENDLY ENEMY":

Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn't it, and it was so good to see you in "Old Na.s.sau." I am sorry that you could not have come earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower.

However, "better luck next time."

The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think me a "prig," dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make this our last wager--or at least, next time, let us not lend it the appearance of professional gambling by giving "odds," such as I gave you this year.

You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Na.s.sau Inn, but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a scalp wound was the only result and a few days' rest in my cozy dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they were--and I am only too glad to find that the "bulldogs" are as thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that in taking my departure I inadvertently "walked off" with the hat and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner.

Rest a.s.sured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been curious to observe the many interesting sights of "Eli land."

Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have given New Haven its name of "the City of Elms," and the collection of primitive paintings for which your college is justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request that you postpone the cas.h.i.+ng of my enclosed check until the fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being "overdrawn."

Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of your "eleven,"

Your devoted friend and well wisher, EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN.

LETTERS TO PARENTS

Of course, when young people write to the members of their immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter well ill.u.s.trates the change in tone which is permissible in such intimate correspondence:

A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her Parents

DEAR MOTHER:

Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of coming to visit me here at school next week, but don't you think it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to have you come only I wouldn't want you or father to get some terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get here the accommodations aren't very good for outsiders, many of the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don't you really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Sat.u.r.day and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her "permitted" list.

However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn't like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am sure that he couldn't get his gla.s.s of hot water in the morning before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New York. But if he does come please mother don't let him wear that old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn't you get him to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And please, mother dear, make him put those "stogies" of his in an inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch father's employees gave you last Christmas?

I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be better if you let me come to New York where you and father will be ever so much more comfortable.

Your loving daughter, JEANNETTE.

LETTERS FROM PARENTS

THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that they are, as it were, in loco parentis. The following example will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding with their children:

A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on His Election to the Presidency of the United States

DEAR FREDERICK:

I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she told me that Was.h.i.+ngton is very damp in the spring and I think you had better get a new overcoat--a heavy warm one. She also told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks and pajamas. I hope that you aren't going to be so foolish as to wear those short B. V. D.'s all winter because now that you are president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered when you go out--Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the "movies"

the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him EVERYTHING.

Your LOVING mother.

P. S. What direction does your window face?

LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW

A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite society, "pop the question" to her by mail, unless she happens, at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to "receive." It is often advisable, however, after she has said "yes," to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older gentleman's habits and tastes.

Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a "business man," the following form is suggested:

A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man

My letter, 10-6-22 Your letter, In reply please refer to: -------- File--Love--personal-- N. Y.--1922 No. G, 16 19 Mr. Harrison Williams, Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., Buffalo, N. Y.

DEAR SIR:

Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Yours truly, EDWARD FISH.

Copy to your Daughter per E. F.

" " " Wife EF/F

Or, should the girl's father be prominent in the advertising business, the following would probably create a favorable impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful article:

A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the Advertising Business

JUST A MOMENT!

Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren?

Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America are GRANDFATHERS?

Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN?

Honestly, now, don't there come moments, after the day's work is done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to call you GRANDPA?

Be fair to your daughter Give her a College educated husband!

COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH

Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better cla.s.s stores, the following might prove effective:

A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a Credit Department