The Whale and the Grasshopper Part 19

"'Forty-Five, of course,' ses Shauno, as he poured out a gla.s.s of whiskey for himself and another for the Shah.

"'Right you are,' ses the Shah. 'There's nothing to beat a game of Forty-Five, except a good game of bowls on a hard straight road on a winter's day. Howsomever, I won't give you a demonstration on the art of bowl-playing now, but I will show you how to deal the cards in the true Carrigaline fas.h.i.+on, as introduced by the King of Spain while he was here on a visit many years ago.'

"'Bedad,' ses Shauno, 'I think the Clonakilty, or the Skibbereen deal is just as good, but as they are all the same, we won't allow the matter be a subject for discussion.'

"The cards were duly dealt, and the Shah ses to Shauno: 'What will we play for at all?' ses he.

"'Small stakes for a start, of course,' ses Shauno. 'I'll back every s.h.i.+p in my navy against every s.h.i.+p in yours, if you don't mind.'

"'Done,' ses the Shah, as he placed the decanter on his head and finished the whiskey. Then they took off their coats, and after an exciting game the Shah won. Shauno was very much surprised and disappointed, and said as he pointed to the decanter to have it filled again: 'd.a.m.n the bit of luck have I had since I met a red-headed widow two months ago first thing on a Monday morning, and I'm afraid I will never have any luck again.'

"'I wouldn't worry about that, if I were you. We will be all dead one day, and then we won't know whether we were lucky or not,' ses the Shah.

"'That's cold comfort, as the cat said after she jumped into the freezing water when chased by a mad dog. I have ruined my country by my extravagance. She is no longer Mistress of the Seas, and though that may be a consolation to Germany, it will lose for me a good deal of prestige. Howsomever, I am not dead broke yet, and even if a man is dead broke inself, there is no reason why he should go whining about it. A good gambler never cares whose money he spends or how much he loses. I will now,' ses he, 'back Ireland against what I have lost and keep up the custom of my country by treating the Irish with contempt and injustice. So let us play again.'

"'Good,' ses the Shah. 'We'll play again.'

"'I'll give them the tinker's deal for luck this time,' ses Shauno.

"'As you please,' ses the Shah. ''Tis all the same to me, so long as I win. A good gambler never cares how much he takes from his friends, or how many people he makes miserable.'

"This time they played a great game, but Shauno lost again, and it made him more angry than ever.

"'Now,' ses he, 'that I have lost Ireland, it doesn't matter what happens to the rest of my territory. We'll play one game of Twenty-Five, and I'll back my boots, my meerschaum pipe, five ounces of tobacco, and Australia against Ireland and my fleet.'

"'Don't you think you are getting reckless?' ses the Shah.

"'I may be,' ses Shauno. 'But I might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. And one poor man more or less won't make much difference. On with the game. Philosophy is only a comfort to a man when he isn't in a state of desperation.'

"'As you will,' ses the Shah. 'Anything at all to please you.'

"So the cards were dealt once more and they played a game of Twenty-Five, and the Shah scored.

"Shauno lost his temper and commenced to swear and break up the furniture, but the Shah only looked on and smiled. Then Shauno flung a chair at him, and ses: 'You bleddy foreign rascal, sure 'tis myself that's the fool for having anything to do with the likes of you. I'll never be able to face home now, after all the misfortune I have had.'

"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I wouldn't behave like that if I were you. 'Tis undignified to appear natural in the presence of strangers. We should always reserve ingrat.i.tude and bad treatment for our friends. You are a little upset, of course, for losing what didn't belong to you, but you will feel all right again as soon as you will begin to acquire what you don't deserve.'

"'If I had my own way,--' ses Shauno.

"'If we all had our own way, the little glimmer of democracy and decency that we see struggling for existence occasionally would disappear for ever,' ses the Shah. 'Howsomever, don't be downhearted, but take a good drop of poteen, and 'twill give you all the false courage that any man wants.'

"And then he produced a small keg of the best poteen, and they drank gla.s.s after gla.s.s, and sang all the songs they could remember, from 'The Croppy Boy' to the 'Bard of Armagh,' until they fell on the floor and had to be taken to bed.

"And there they slept for two days and three nights, and on the morning of the third day, Shauno woke up with a bursting headache, and asked the Shah if he was still alive and in the land of the living. And the Shah was surprised that a real aristocrat should be so upset and affected by a night's innocent amus.e.m.e.nt. Well, they had breakfast together, and after the repast, the Shah took Shauno to see the sights, and when they arrived at the Royal Harem, Shauno fainted when he saw all the wives the poor Shah had to look after. It took him two weeks to count them all, and at the end of that time the Shah ses: 'Well,' ses he, 'how many would you like to take for a present? You can have all you want, because I am expecting another s.h.i.+pload next week as a Christmas box.'

"'Thanks for your kind offer,' ses Shauno. 'But I am cured now. I have made up my mind to go home and live in peace, and remain a bachelor for the remainder of my days.'

"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I think you should at least take one, and she will help to remind you of your visit to the Shah of Sperrispazuka.'

"''Tis only too well that I know that, but I have seen all I ever want to see of women,' ses Shauno. 'But I'll tell you what you can do without offending me, or hurting my tender feeling in any way.'

"'What may that be?' ses the Shah.

"'You can loan me a million sovereigns to show there is no ill feeling between us, and send me home in one of your first-cla.s.s battles.h.i.+ps. Of course, I must travel as a private gentleman, and when I will arrive home, I will get my poet laureate to write an ode to your generosity.'

"'I'll loan you all you want,' ses the Shah.

"So there and then he took out his bank book and gave him a cheque for the full amount, and on the morrow Shauno sailed away for England in one of the swiftest s.h.i.+ps that ever went to sea, and the Shah never heard of him from that day to this."

"That's the devil's own queer yarn," said Micus. "What did the Shah do when he found out that he had been fooled?"

"Oh, he was as cross as a bag of cats, of course, and retired to the banquet hall of his castle, sent for all his wives, and made this speech:

"'Ladies of all shapes and sizes,' ses he, 'I have good news for you this blessed day. I'm going to make widows of every one here present, and all those who couldn't gain admittance to this large and s.p.a.cious hall as well.'

"And when they heard what he said, they all burst forth into uproarious applause, and began to fling chairs, benches, stools, ink-bottles, and hairpins at each other. In short, they created the devil of a hullaballoo entirely, and they might have set fire to the place, only he threatened to send for the police. Well, when silence and order was restored, he continued and ses:

"'Ladies,' ses he, 'you will be all glad to hear that I have been fooled and cheated by an impostor, and as I have proved conclusively to my own satisfaction that I am too foolish to live, I have made up my mind to die. Yes, ladies, and to die by my own hand too. But as many of you as possible must have something to remind you of married life and a devoted husband who is about to begin his troubles in the other world by ending his troubles in this. Now,' ses he, 'come forward, one and all, and let each of you pluck a hair from my leonine head, and keep it in a locket as a souvenir until you will go home to the devil, or wherever else you may be destined for.'

"And as the last few words were spoken, he bent down his head, and his wives came along in single file to comply with his request, and before an hour was at an end, the Shah of Sperrispazuka was as bald as a s...o...b..ll."

"And wouldn't it be easier for him to get a scissors and cut his hair and then distribute the locks, than to do anything so foolish,"

said Micus.

"Wisha, I suppose it would," said Padna. "But we all do foolish things when we are upset or excited. Well, when that part of the ceremony was all over, he ses, as the tears came to his eyes: 'Ladies,' ses he, 'I have no more to say. My hour is come and I am ready to die. I have here with me on this table a c.o.c.ktail which is a concoction of ground green bottles, prussic acid, and black beetles mixed with some cheese that was refused by the soldiers at the fall of Rome, and if that won't send me to glory or perdition, may I never again drown one of you in the Ca.n.a.l for losing your beauty. However,' ses he, 'as a last request I would ask you to control your emotion. Let there be no singing of the National Anthem, no dancing of jigs, drinking or carousing, breaking of windows or skulls, or any other patriotic manifestation of public grief, until I am cold in my grave.'

"And then he lifted the fatal gla.s.s to his lips and drained its contents to the dregs, and so pa.s.sed away the Shah of Sperrispazuka."

"I feel like having a drink of something, myself," said Micus.

"So do I," said Padna. "I think we'll stop when we'll come to the Thrush and Magpie."

"As you please," said Micus.

THE MAYOR OF LOUGHLAURNA

"I wonder," said Padna to Micus, as they wended their way along a lonely road after Ma.s.s on a Sunday morning, "if you ever heard tell of the black dog of Dooniskey that was gifted with seven senses, second sight, and an easy disposition, who followed my grandfather from the Bridge of the Hundred Arches to the Half Way House in Cromwell's Glen on the night of the rising of '98. And how he caught a hold of the tail of his coat and dragged him from Owen Roe's Cross to Cuchulain's Boreen while the soldiers of England's king were scouring the highways looking for some one to hang to the nearest finger post. And 'twas little they cared about any man, for one man looked as good as another to them, as he swung from a branch of a tree on the roadside or on a gibbet on the mountain top. And 'twas the selfsame black dog that saved him from the fairies of Galway on a dark windy night, when all the fairies of the world a.s.sembled in the Gap of Dunlow and made speeches in favour of women holding their tongues until the Judgment Day."

"I never heard tell of the black dog of Dooniskey, or your old grandfather, or the fairies who wanted to steal him either, but what the fairies wanted him for is more than I can understand," said Micus.