The Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent Part 45

After a while, fortified by the champagne, the Mayoress grew more courageous, and, admiring the gentleman in full uniform on her right, said to him:--

'Might I be so bowld as to ask whether you are Lord Plunket?'

'No,' he replied, with a smile, 'I am not.'

'Would you mind telling me who you are, for I'm sure I don't know?'

'I am the Duke of Connaught,' complaisantly replied her neighbour, upon which she gasped:--'Oh, G.o.d in Heaven, another of them!' and subsided into unbroken silence for the rest of the repast.

Another amusing case of mistaken ident.i.ty occurred when Mr. Gladstone was concocting his treasonable Home Rule Bill. He had been informed that Lord Clonbrook would be able to give him invaluable information, so he told his wife to ask him to luncheon. She, however, mistaking the name, invited the late Lord Clonmel, a jovial sportsman known to his friends by the nickname of 'Old Sherry.'

Somewhat surprised at being thus honoured, Lord Clonmel consulted a few cronies, who all advised him to accept, and in due course he proceeded to Downing Street, where he found the French Amba.s.sador was the only other guest. It is possible that Mr. Gladstone thought him a little odd and his attire somewhat demonstrative, but he was prepared for any eccentricity in an Irish peer, and hardly noticed how excellently his guest was doing justice to the meal, whilst preserving impenetrable silence. Directly it was over, the Prime Minister took him apart, and said:--'Now I want you, privately and confidentially, to give me your view of the exact relation between landlord and tenant in Ireland.'

'Absolute h.e.l.l, my dear boy, absolute h.e.l.l,' was the emphatic reply of the old sportsman.

That confidential conversation went no further; but I have never been sure that Lord Clonmel in the least overstated the case.

This renewed allusion to the lower regions that appears so closely connected with Irish affairs reminds me of an amusing incident which took place in a Dublin tram. Two members of the fair s.e.x were discussing their plans for the summer in the interior of a car, and one of them in a mincing brogue said to the other:--

'I think I shall go to England this summer; it is so difficult in Ireland to get away from the vulgar Irish.'

'Faix,' screamed in much indignation an old Biddy sitting opposite, 'if it's the vulgar Irish you want to avoid, and the English you want to be meeting, it's to h.e.l.l you must go, and you'd better go there this summer.'

That's the sort of quick retort which a Scotchman calls Irish insolence, but then, who expects appreciation of real wit from any one canny? Wit is irresponsible, a truly Irish propensity.

The two mincing young women were almost as much disgusted as another old lady who found herself opposite a stalwart working man, who incensed her by his frequent expectoration. Gathering her skirts round her somewhat ample form, she called the conductor and asked:--

'Is spitting allowed in this tram?'

'By all manes, me lady,' was the gallant reply, 'shpit anywhere you like.'

While alluding to trams, I cannot forbear relating one other Dublin tale, which Lord Morris picked up from me and was fond of telling. Its brief course runs thus:--

'Would you tell me, if you plaze, where I'll find the Blackrock tram?'

asked a fussy little old woman of a policeman, busily engaging in manoeuvring the traffic of a crowded street.

'In wan minute you'll find it in the shmall of your back,' was the laconic reply.

The mere allusion to a query suggests how the British tourist invariably starts trying to discuss the Irish question directly he is across the Channel, and the insoluble part to any Saxon is that half the Irish do not seem to desire a solution at all.

'What a fine country this would be if it were peaceful,' observed a thoughtful Britisher, with a Cook's ticket in his pocket, on Killarney Lake.

'Peace! What would we do with it?' was the scornful reply of his boatman, surprised for once into e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.n.g. the truth.

Some landlords know how hopeless it is to attempt to prevail against these sons of our epoch.

'It has been of no use to hold up a candle to the hydra-headed devil,'

said one landlord to me about his tenants, 'for affability is more expensive than absenteeism. If I say, "Good morning, Tom," the fellow expects twenty per cent. off the rent, and "How's your family?" is considered to imply forty per cent, abatement'--and that cannot be called putting a premium on good fellows.h.i.+p from the landlord's point of view.

I have not said much about the way in which the Irish in America foster insurrection, because it does not come within my own province. But I have before me the type-written essay on the subject composed by a Kerry landlord, who, in his lifetime, had exceptional opportunities of judging of this in New York, and from it I am tempted to take a few sentences as the ma.n.u.script is never likely to see the light of print.

'There are three distinct types of the Irish-American Home Ruler, who have been and are even now supporting with their dollars or their eloquence, the "Irish Cause" as it is somewhat vaguely termed throughout the United States. They can be distinguished as follows:--

'1. The American--born Irishman of immediate Irish descent.

'2. The native Irishman who has emigrated from Ireland.

'3. The American Irish-American of long American descent, who, though not inheriting a drop of Irish blood, is yet a vigorous if not obstreperous ally of the Irish party in America. This last is the most striking of the three, as on the face of it, he would not appear to have any logical _raison d'etre_ as a political ent.i.ty, but in reality exerts a powerful influence in favour of "the Cause."

'One phase of the methods favoured by Irish-American Home Rulers is the ingenuity with which cable reports, as printed in the newspapers, are utilised for platform purposes. Let an account be flashed under the Atlantic descriptive of some agrarian demonstration in Ireland, which having been declared illegal, is dispersed by military. Forthwith the opportunity is seized, and on some public platform or at some big banquet, the fervid orator poses as the champion of human liberty.

"Another British outrage upon the Irish people! A brutal and licentious soldiery let loose to gag free speech and prevent, at the point of the bayonet, the exercise of the rights of freeman. Thank G.o.d, that you and I my Irish-American fellow-citizens, are living in this glorious republic, where such things are impossible!"

'After hearing this amazing outburst, it is well to recall actual facts, and compare the methods of suppressing riots in the United States and the United Kingdom. For example, on July 12, 1871, a number of Orangemen had organised a procession through the princ.i.p.al thoroughfares of New York, which was resented by a large contingent of Catholic Irishmen, and on a violent collision ensuing, the State militia was called out to restore order, a task they most effectually accomplished by firing volleys into the crowd of belligerents. The citizen soldiery of America are accustomed to adopt summary measures with impunity. They possess the resolution of the Irish constabulary without the uncomfortable vacillation of Dublin Castle to thwart their efforts.'

In the past the Irish vote in America has been hostile to England, and has had much to do with that measure of ill-feeling in the United States which has deterred that Union of the Anglo-Saxon races that would enable them to lick creation.

An example may be cited in the case of Egan. This man was an ex-Fenian leader, who wielded much influence in Nationalistic circles as far back as the seventies, and when he was Treasurer of the Land League, he is described by Mr. Michael Davitt--who ought to have a fine capacity for discriminating degrees of scoundrelism--as the most active and able of the Nationalist leaders in Dublin. Some time after the Phoenix Park murders he settled in the United States, and whilst distinguis.h.i.+ng himself by the exceptional violence of his appeals on behalf of outrageous Ireland, he was actually sent as American Minister to Chili.

This would not have caused me to notice him here but because it is necessary the community should be warned that, unlike a good many of his contemporaries and comrades, he is not an extinct volcano. On March 10 of this current year, when still the chief Nationalist in the States, he had a long interview with Count Ca.s.sini, the Russian Minister at the Russian Emba.s.sy at Was.h.i.+ngton, just before a meeting of all the diplomatic representatives, and the American correspondent of the _Morning Post_ does not hesitate to accuse Russia of financially a.s.sisting the cause which Egan fosters. This sort of thing ought not to be ignored in England. As an international action, it is. .h.i.tting below the belt, and when bad times come again to Ireland the Nationalists will look to the Ministers of the Great Bear for funds, and are not likely to be disappointed. Still it is curious that a Government which, at home, exiles Nihilists and other bomb-throwers should, abroad, give contributions to the cause that instigated the blowing up of my house, and the outrages which rendered Ireland so notorious.

Not many years ago my wife was once more seriously alarmed at Edenburn by the formidable proclivities of a man P----, who sat all day at my gate with a gun, which he said he used for shooting rabbits: but we all knew I was the rabbit he wanted to put in his bag. However, he has gone to another sphere, and I am spending the present summer of 1904 very happily in the same county.

A couple of letters addressed there showing the way in which an old widow expresses herself, when after great labour she has delivered herself of an epistle, may not prove undiverting. The point is the amount she can obtain from her children.

'Samuel Mr. Hussey Esq.

Sir--I hope you will be good enough to speak to Downing to give me Justice. They have any amount of cattle, 2 horses, and my son-in-law's wife carried 78 pounds book account before Mr. Downing got the case in hands I would get 2 hundred pounds. I think it little for me according to the means that was theirs. Now sir, two daughters very ritch sir minding milk and b.u.t.ter and the one taking it away and selling it. My son is not wright in his health or mind. They turned him against me and he is more foolish than your Honour would believe. He says he will give his uncle that ran away long ago to America mortgage, that Mr. Downing gave him power to do what he like and those two daughters are very well off and they will not allow me to do anything. Sir I am shamed of the way they are treating me. My health and mind is very good, thanks be to G.o.d and to you two Sir. They would not give me the price of the habit that was berried with their father. Sir it would not pay my debts and support me long. My father lived 100 years. The Judge said I would live longer. Sir three hundred pounds is little enough for me according to the means that is theirs. If I went into the workhouse I would not take what they wish to give me. 160 they are giving me and I have my Confidence in G.o.d and in your Honour's charity that you will be good enough to speak for me. If the land don't sell to 5 hundred pounds I will give it back to the attorney. Will your Honour tell them and I'll pray to G.o.d sir ever to bless you.

Faithfully,

MARY LUCY.'

And the same dame favoured me with this further effusion:

'Mr. Hussey Esq.

Sir--100 pounds was offered to me before the purchase, a foolish priest making little of me, himself trying to get it for his friends. The Bishop, Sir, is kind to me always. For he knows I was wronged and he don't like the foolish priest, and when I complain of him he is very good. Sir some good people tell me that anyone at all have no claim but myself and I wish it was true as all is very valuable. Mr. Connor is very truthful and nice to me Sir when I will see him I am very sure he will wish me well and all the good Honourable Gentlemen and yourself are the best of all to my equals. I know it very well and I will for ever pray to G.o.d in Heaven for you.

Faithfully,

MARY LUCY.'

So a landlord and agent, even in 1904, still has a few of the patriarchal attributes in the eyes of the tenants. But to sift wheat from chaff is easier than to sift truth from the lying blandishments employed on such occasions.

The reference to the priest shows that though always feared, when the land-pa.s.sion seizes a paris.h.i.+oner, he is set at as much defiance as possible, should he be moderate, and these are the only occasions when they venture to tell their confessor unpleasant truths to his face, for in some country districts they are still convinced that the priests have power to transform them into frogs and mice.