Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs Part 3

"Come, walk like this," the dancer said, "Stick out your toes--stick in your head.

Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread-- Your fingers thus extend; The att.i.tude's considered quaint,"

The weary Bishop, feeling faint, Replied, "I do not say it ain't, But 'Time!' my Christian friend!"

"We now proceed to something new-- Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do, Like this--one, two--one, two--one, two."

The Bishop, never proud, But in an overwhelming heat (His name was Peter, I repeat), Performed the Payne and Lauri feat, And puffed his thanks aloud.

Another game the dancer planned-- "Just take your ankle in your hand, And try, my lord, if you can stand-- Your body stiff and stark.

If, when revisiting your see, You learnt to hop on sh.o.r.e--like me-- The novelty must striking be, And must excite remark."

"No," said the worthy Bishop, "No; That is a length to which, I trow, Colonial Bishops cannot go.

You may express surprise At finding Bishops deal in pride-- But, if that trick I ever tried, I should appear undignified In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes.

"The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo Are well-conducted persons, who Approve a joke as much as you, And laugh at it as such; But if they saw their Bishop land, His leg supported in his hand, The joke they wouldn't understand-- 'Twould pain them very much!"

TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE.

BY A MISERABLE WRETCH.

Roll on, thou ball, roll on!

Through pathless realms of s.p.a.ce Roll on!

What, though I'm in a sorry case?

What, though I cannot meet my bills?

What, though I suffer toothache's ills?

What, though I swallow countless pills?

Never _you_ mind!

Roll on!

Roll on, thou ball, roll on!

Through seas of inky air Roll on!

It's true I've got no s.h.i.+rts to wear; It's true my butcher's bill is due; It's true my prospects all look blue-- But don't let that unsettle you!

Never _you_ mind!

Roll on!

_(It rolls on.)_

GENERAL JOHN.

The bravest names for fire and flames, And all that mortal durst, Were General John and Private James, Of the Sixty-seventy-first.

General John was a soldier tried, A chief of warlike dons; A haughty stride and a withering pride Were Major-General John's.

A sneer would play on his martial phiz, Superior birth to show; "Pis.h.!.+" was a favorite word of his, And he often said "Ho! ho!"

Full-Private James described might be, As a man of a mournful mind; No characteristic trait had he Of any distinctive kind.

From the ranks, one day, cried Private James "Oh! Major-General John, I've doubts of our respective names, My mournful mind upon.

"A glimmering thought occurs to me, (Its source I can't unearth) But I've a kind of notion we Were cruelly changed at birth.

"I've a strange idea, each other's names That we have each got on, Such things have been," said Private James.

"They have!" sneered General John.

"My General John, I swear upon My oath I think 'tis so"-- "Pis.h.!.+" proudly sneered his General John, And he also said "Ho! ho!"

"My General John! my General John!

My General John!" quoth he, "This aristocratical sneer upon Your face I blush to see!

"No truly great or generous cove Deserving of them names Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove In the mind of a Private James!"

Said General John, "Upon your claims No need your breath to waste; If this is a joke, Full-Private James, It's a joke of doubtful taste.

"But being a man of doubtless worth, If you feel certain quite That we were probably changed at birth, I'll venture to say you're right."

So General John as Private James Fell in, parade upon; And Private James, by change of names, Was Major-General John.

SIR GUY THE CRUSADER.

Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, A muscular knight, Ever ready to fight, A very determined invader.

And d.i.c.key de Lion's delight.

Lenore was a Saracen maiden, Brunette, statuesque, The reverse of grotesque; Her pa was a bagman at Aden, Her mother she played in burlesque.

A _coryphee_ pretty and loyal.

In amber and red, The ballet she led; Her mother performed at the Royal, Lenore at the Saracen's Head.

Of face and of figure majestic, She dazzled the cits-- Ecstaticized pits;-- Her troubles were only domestic, But drove her half out of her wits.

Her father incessantly lashed her, On water and bread She was grudgingly fed; Whenever her father he thrashed her Her mother sat down on her head.

Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason, For beauty so bright, Set him mad with delight; He purchased a stall for the season And sat in it every night.

His views were exceedingly proper; He wanted to wed, So he called at her shed And saw her progenitor whop her-- Her mother sit down on her head.

"So pretty," said he, "and so trusting!

You brute of a dad, You unprincipled cad, Your conduct is really disgusting.