Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs Part 14

When, to evade Destruction's hand, To hide they all proceeded, No soldier in that gallant band Hid half as well as he did.

He lay concealed throughout the war, And so preserved his gore, O!

That unaffected, Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

In every doughty deed, ha ha!

He always took the lead, ha ha!

That unaffected, Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

When told that they would all be shot Unless they left the service, The hero hesitated not, So marvellous his nerve is.

He sent his resignation in, The first of all his corps, O!

That very knowing, Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!

He always showed the way, ha, ha!

That very knowing, Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

THE REWARD OF MERIT.

Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age: His tragedies were reckoned much too thoughtful for the stage; His poems held a n.o.ble rank, although it's very true That, being very proper, they were read by very few.

He was a famous Painter, too, and shone upon the "line,"

And even Mr. Ruskin came and wors.h.i.+pped at his shrine; But, alas, the school he followed was heroically high-- The kind of Art men rave about, but very seldom buy-- And everybody said "How can he be repaid-- This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?"

But n.o.body could hit upon a practicable plan!

He was a great Inventor, and discovered, all alone, A plan for making everybody's fortune but his own; For, in business, an Inventor's little better than a fool, And my highly gifted friend was no exception to the rule.

His poems--people read them in the Quarterly Reviews-- His pictures--they engraved them in the _Ill.u.s.trated News_-- His inventions--they, perhaps, might have enriched him by degrees, But all his little income went in Patent Office fees; And everybody said "How can he be repaid-- This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?"

But n.o.body could hit upon a practicable plan!

At last the point was given up in absolute despair, When a distant cousin died, and he became a millionaire, With a county seat in Parliament, a moor or two of grouse, And a taste for making inconvenient speeches in the House!

_Then_ it flashed upon Britannia that the fittest of rewards Was, to take him from the Commons and to put him in the Lords!

And who so fit to sit in it, deny it if you can, As this very great--this very good--this very gifted man?

(Though I'm more than half afraid That it sometimes may be said That we never should have revelled in that source of proper pride, However great his merits--if his cousin hadn't died!)

WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON.

When I first put this uniform on, I said as I looked in the gla.s.s.

"It's one to a million That any civilian My figure and form will surpa.s.s.

Gold lace has a charm for the fair, And I've plenty of that, and to spare, While a lover's professions, When uttered in Hessians, Are eloquent everywhere!

A fact that I counted upon, When I first put this uniform on!"

I said, when I first put it on, "It is plain to the veriest dunce That every beauty Will feel it her duty To yield to its glamor at once.

They will see that I'm freely gold-laced In a uniform handsome and chaste-- But the peripatetics Of long-haired aesthetics, Are very much more to their taste-- Which I never counted upon When I first put this uniform on!"

[Ill.u.s.tration]

SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I.

When I went to the Bar as a very young man, (Said I to myself--said I), I'll work on a new and original plan (Said I to myself--said I), I'll never a.s.sume that a rogue or a thief Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, Because his attorney has sent me a brief (Said I to myself--said I!).

I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes (Said I to myself--said I), Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise (Said I to myself--said I), Or a.s.sume that the witnesses summoned in force In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, Have perjured themselves as a matter of course (Said I to myself--said I).

Ere I go into court I will read my brief through (Said I to myself--said I), And I'll never take work I'm unable to do (Said I to myself--said I).

My learned profession I'll never disgrace By taking a fee with a grin on my face, When I haven't been there to attend to the case (Said I to myself--said I!).

In other professions in which men engage (Said I to myself--said I), The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage (Said I to myself--said I), Professional license, if carried too far, Your chance of promotion will certainly mar And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar (Said I to myself--said I!).

THE FAMILY FOOL.

Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumor; From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, And he bubbles with wit and good-humor!

He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse; Yet though people forgive his transgression, There are one or two rules that all Family Fools Must observe, if they love their profession.

There are one or two rules Half a dozen, maybe, That all family fools, Of whatever degree, Must observe, if they love their profession.

If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need To consider each person auricular: What is all right for B would quite scandalize C (For C is so very particular); And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull Is as empty of brains as a ladle; While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, That he's known your best joke from his cradle!

When your humor they flout, You can't let yourself go; And it _does_ put you out When a person says, "Oh!

I have known that old joke from my cradle!"

If your master is surly, from getting up early (And tempers are short in the morning), An inopportune joke is enough to provoke Him to give you, at once, a month's warning Then if you refrain, he is at you again, For he likes to get value for money.

He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, If you know that you're paid to be funny?"

It adds to the task Of a merryman's place, When your princ.i.p.al asks, With a scowl on his face, If you know that you're paid to be funny?"

Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.-- Oh, beware of his anger provoking!

Better not pull his hair--don't stick pins in his chair; He don't understand practical joking.

If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, You may get a bland smile from these sages; But should it, by chance, be imported from France, Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages!

It's a general rule, Though your zeal it may quench, If the Family Fool Makes a joke that's _too_ French, Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages!

Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, And your senses with toothache you're losing, Don't be mopy and flat--they don't fine you for that, If you're properly quaint and amusing!

Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, And took with her your trifle of money; Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- They don't blame you--as long as you're funny!

It's a comfort to feel If your partner should flit, Though _you_ suffer a deal, _They_ don't mind it a bit-- They don't blame you--so long as you're funny!