Old Wounds: Little Battles Part 30

"I-I-I d-didn't want to go t-to the b-bonfire, b-b-but J-J-Jane and David sssaid it would hhhelp. I-I-I wanted to be d-d-different in hhhhigh ssschool. And with M-M-MM-MMMegan...I jjjjust...I n-needed to ssssee if I was n-normal, and I c-c-clearly wasn't." I felt foolish and defective. "It was a m-m-mmmistake." I tried to grasp her entire hand, and not just her finger. "I'm sssssorry."

"I'm not mad that you had s.e.x with her. That's...I mean, I wish you'd picked someone less vapid, but...I mean, you're free to...I just wish you'd do that with me."

I knew that was what she wanted, and I tried to fight back the dread that she wouldn't want me if she knew how defective I was. I couldn't give her what she wanted, and I didn't want her to think that it was because of her. If I could take back what happened with Megan, I would have gladly done so because the only thing I got out of it was feeling like I was even more flawed than I had originally thought.

"I c-c-can't. It's not..."

"You can't?" she asked, an eyebrow raised. "That's not what Megan Simons says."

If possible, my chest seized even tighter. "Sh-sh-sssshe t-t-t-tells p-p-people ab-b-bout it?"

"Oh yeah," Sophie confirmed, looking directly into my eyes, "and she sounds quite proud of herself for nailing you." I had hoped she was finished talking about Megan Simons, because I hated even the memory of it all, but she kept on. "Yeah, apparently you're incredibly skilled at going down on girls and can screw for hours. Not that I would have any idea about that."

My breathing was heavy. "W-w-w-w-wh-wh-wha...?"

"Why does talking about s.e.x make you so uncomfortable?"

I closed my eyes, hoping that it would help me form words that I could actually say. "W-w-why is ssss.e.x ssssuch a c-c-comfortable topic for you?"

But just like I hadn't answered her question, she didn't answer mine. "Don't change the subject."

"W-w-what's the subject?"

"The Great Simons/Dalton Bang, Elliott."

I was genuinely confused. "W-w-why would she b-be p-p-proud of that?"

"Seriously?"

I nodded, taken aback. "Elliott, you're hot."

It felt like my eyes were too big and my face was too hot. "N-n-no, I'm n-not."

She smiled and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. "Why would I say it if it wasn't true? You're cute when you blush. You spend too much time staring at the ground and not enough gazing in the mirror. If you'd look up at school once in a while, you'd see all the girls checking out your a.s.s all day."

I couldn't help it, my eyes bugged out. "Th-th-th...y-y-you're m-making that up."

She smiled even more, and it was obvious that she was enjoying this. "Am not. You're fine and the fact that you don't know it makes me flat-out sad. Now that you've stopped taking s.h.i.+t from little p.r.i.c.ks like Anderson, you could own that school."

"N-n-not with m-m-my st-stutter."

Sophie's smile faltered a bit as she rolled her eyes. "Give that s.h.i.+t a rest, okay? No one besides you and d.i.c.ks like Anderson give a s.h.i.+t about your stutter. Now that you messed that kid up, he won't do that stuff anymore." She sighed. "If only your confidence was as hot as your looks, maybe you'd be able to see that most people don't define you by your stutter. It's only one small part of you."

I worked on digesting everything she'd just said, and after a moment all I came up with to ask was, "Y-y-you think I'm hhhhot?"

She smiled again and rolled her eyes dramatically. "You want me to say it again?" I nodded and she sighed exaggeratedly. "You're so f.u.c.king hot, Elliott. I thought so the very first time I saw you."

I was beaming. I'd thought she was beautiful the second I looked up after knocking into her that first day, and it was almost too much to process that she liked me then too.

Sophie laughed as she squeezed my hand. "Don't let that go to your head."

"You're hhhot t-too."

"I know." She pressed against me. Had we been sitting, I knew she would have been straddling me again. It seemed that I was her favorite chair. "I'm hot for you too, so drop your puritanical ideals and let's be hot together."

What she said bothered me, even though I was happy to have her so close again. "I'm n-n-not p-p-puritanical."

We were still for a moment and then Sophie took both of my hands and guided me over to my bed, sitting down and tugging me until we were both lying down, me on top of her. Once again, my breathing sped up and I thought my chest would break open with the force of my heart.

She put her hands in my hair, and instead of just soothing, she brought my head down until I was kissing her again.

Her legs moved beneath me and suddenly my hips were nestled between her thighs. The sensation was too much; her heat was too much. I propelled myself up and off of her, stumbling backward from the bed, trying to regain control over myself.

Sophie got into a sitting position, her knees together as she looked at me with sober, innocent eyes. They spoke of her curiosity. "Elliott?"

All I could do was shake my head as I struggled for breath. Fear and panic gripped me.

"Is this because your father was a Jesus-freak? Because I swear Jesus loves s.e.x."

Although I recognized her attempt at humor, the weight in my chest was much too heavy to laugh or smile.

She studied me. The way she looked at my face and then down to my hands put me even more on edge. "Why did you need to see if you were 'normal'?"

I literally gulped and once again fought back the urge to double over in an attempt to gain enough oxygen to fuel my brain and body. I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want her to know there had been so much self-doubt then, even more than now. I didn't want to tell her that I had used Megan that night for a couple of reasons, but mainly because I was confused.

I didn't know anything about my own s.e.xuality at the time, and found it difficult then, as well as now, for me to explore. At the time I hadn't known if I was gay, straight, as.e.xual, or something in-between.

If I told her, there would be more questions, like why I thought I might've been anything but heteros.e.xual, and why I hadn't known if I could physically do it. Although I didn't think I'd given Megan one, I knew I'd never actually had an o.r.g.a.s.m myself. My body had shut down and I had done everything I could to keep that fact from her without hyperventilating myself into a panic attack.

I had quite a lot of awful memories, but that night is within my top ten, based on the fact that I felt completely alone and sinful. I felt undeserving and had forced myself to step out of my comfort zone only to find out that there was no benefit to doing so at all. I hadn't enjoyed Megan Simons, and none of my questions had been answered.

The more I thought about what I had let myself do, the more freaked out I got. There was no way for me to actually tell someone what was wrong, so in addition to the normal sedation techniques, Stephen and Robin had no other choice but to admit me into the hospital.

That night had caused my life to become uncontrollable, and it sickened me to even think about it now.

"I c-c-c-c-c-c-c..." I wanted to explain why I couldn't have s.e.x with her, why I couldn't even talk about having s.e.x with her, but the words wouldn't form. I was sweating.

"Elliott, stop," she said, holding my hands again. "I'm sorry. Don't...don't worry about it. You don't have to tell me anything else."

It was a while before my mind and mouth cooperated. "I w-w-w-want you. I d-do, b-b-but I c-c-c-can't jjjjust jjjump into that ag-gain, o-ookay?"

She sighed deeply, but then tugged on my hands. "Come on, drive me home."

I furrowed my brow. "N-no."

She smiled. "I'm not mad. If you can't do something, I won't pressure you. We'll go slow," she said as she s.h.i.+fted her gaze away from me, "or whatever." She looked back to me as she finished. "But I do need to go. You can pick me up after work again tomorrow, okay?"

Dinner was less-than-satisfying, and I knew that I wasn't the only one who thought so. David was pus.h.i.+ng around the overcooked food on his plate as if that would make it taste better.

Sophie's cooking was much better.

The air was oddly thick in the dining room tonight, tension hanging almost visibly in front of us.

Robin barely spoke, which was odd since she usually prompted all of us to talk at the table when we ate together. I didn't think she had the ability to stop asking questions. Robin liked talking. She wanted to talk about everything.

Stephen's jaw kept tensing and then relaxing as he rubbed his temple with his index finger as if he had a headache. Robin and Stephen's odd stress covered us like a blanket of fog.

I really wanted to leave the scene and retreat upstairs to my room. I wished Sophie hadn't left. I was just about to excuse myself from the table when I noticed Robin and Stephen looking at each other for what seemed like the first time in weeks.

Finally Robin said, "I have something to say that concerns all of you."

Everyone looked up at her, David finally pulling his eyes away from Rebecca, and Jane looking up curiously.

"Stephen and I need to tell you that we..." she paused and flipped her hair over her shoulder and then folded her hands in front of her, "we're in a relations.h.i.+p with each other and..."

It was finally out there. I wondered if Sophie liked Robin, even just a little, because of her bluntness. Between the two, there were no wasted, sugarcoated words.

"What?" Rebecca asked too loudly.

Even though he hadn't been addressed, Stephen answered. "Your mother and I are seeing each other."

She looked from Stephen, to Robin, and then to David, before she shook her head. Then she refocused on her mother.

"How could you do that to me? I'm dating his son and now you're-"

Robin interrupted. "There's nothing wrong with having a relations.h.i.+p with Stephen."

"You're sleeping with him, aren't you?"

I really did not want to be a part of this. Did she honestly not have a clue this was going on? I felt like I was slow in coming to the realization that they were together, but Rebecca, at least, seemed like her head was buried in the sand. She and Robin were always over here. What did she think was going on?

"Rebecca Anne Wallace, that is not your business."

"You ask about my s.e.x life, Mom. It's only fair that I know who you're s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g."

Robin looked like she had a headache. "Great job, Mom. I hope you at least don't have to fake your o.r.g.a.s.ms with him. It'd be a shame to ruin your daughter's life and not get off for it."

"Becca," Stephen warned, "I don't think we're ruining-"

"I'm...dating your son and you're humping my mother!"

With that, she got up and stormed out.

David rose from his seat quickly. "Becca, baby, it's not like we'll be blood-related or anything. You won't be my sister."

Jane followed David out of the room. I doubted she cared about the adult's relations.h.i.+p much, but Jane was pretty close to David and just like with me, if she perceived he was in pain, it was in her nature to see if she could help.

I was pretty much frozen and suddenly very much alone with Stephen and Robin.

Stephen sighed. "That went well."

I gulped as they both fixated on me. Were they waiting for me to leave the table as well? Did they want time alone?

"Elliott," Robin said softly, "with us in a relations.h.i.+p, it wouldn't be right to continue to counsel you."

I must have looked confused because she sighed and said. "The other counselor that comes from Baltimore on Friday has agreed to see you. He's..."

I froze. "Hhhhhe?" I kept looking back and forth between them, waiting for them to tell me that I'd misunderstood. I knew the other counselor was a man, but I never really thought about it because I was never in the same room with him. Rebecca went to a woman in Frederick. Why couldn't she see me?

"Elliott, he's highly recommended, and not just by Robin," Stephen said.

"He's one of the best adolescent..."

I didn't care what Robin was saying. I stopped listening to her. I couldn't believe that she was serious.

"Y-y-y-y-you c-c-c-can't d-d-d-d-d..."

"Please calm down, Elliott. If you don't like or trust him, we'll find someone else."

I kept trying to regulate my breathing, but failed each time.

"I t-t-t-trust y-y-you."

She smiled at me and it almost calmed me, but not quite.

"Elliott, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to remain objective. That's not...It's not how it should be. I'm sorry."

My teeth hurt as I clenched them together. I didn't want to be here anymore. They were telling me that I had to see someone else. That they had chosen a stranger, a man to be my counselor, and that was unacceptable. I never had any doubt I needed to have someone like Robin in my life. Just like Sophie, I was well aware of my own issues, but I would never be comfortable with some stranger, male or female, asking me questions and expecting me to answer.

My hands were fisted so tight that the flesh was nearly white. The burning felt good. I wanted to stop for a minute and just think about Sophie. I wanted to replay the conversation we'd just had. I wanted to hear her tell me that she thought I was hot again.

But I couldn't.

I was at the table with Stephen and Robin, and they were telling me upsetting things. I couldn't stop the course my body was on. I couldn't stop the thoughts that spun and wove dark, hurtful threads in my head. I wished Sophie were here. I wished Jane hadn't left. I wished someone was here to help me remember how to return to normal.

Tears were in my eyes, and I was tightly wound. Even my toes were curled. I felt like I would break myself.

"L-l-liar."

Robin sighed deeply and if I had cared to, I would have seen the sadness etched in the grooves of her face. But I didn't care about her feelings right now. I only cared that she had told me a long time ago that I could trust her. But right now she was telling me that I had to trust someone else because just like everyone else, she could no longer give me what she thought I needed.

"I've never been untrue to you, Elliott. I didn't do this on purpose to upset you. It has weighed very heavily on us for..."

Again I quit listening for two reasons. First, I was incapable of hearing anything over the blood pounding in my head, and second, she wouldn't say anything meaningful. She would continue to use her therapist-speak to justify what was happening and when she was done, Stephen would chime in.

I cared very little about what they did together, or if they had any kind of relations.h.i.+p. Had I not been so preoccupied with my own fear, anger, and resentment over having my sessions with an unknown man, I would have been happy that they were able to find each other.

I didn't care about ethics. I thought it was stupid that she couldn't be my counselor if she was dating the man who adopted me. He wasn't my father, and she would never be my mother. I shared time and s.p.a.ce with these people, and it was utterly ridiculous that because she had issues with her objectivity, I would be punished liked this.