I Will Fear No Evil Part 16

"Will you walk or would you rather be thrown out?"

Parkinson elected to walk. When the door sealed behind him, the Judge said, "Sperling, set that thing so I can record when I feel like it, then you can leave. Alec, you look as if you were all set to object."

"Me? Oh, not at all, Judge."

"Good. Because we're going to cut through the fog on this silly business. Who needs a fog cutter?" The Judge stepped to a corner bar. "Alec? Gin and tonic as usual?"

"Thanks, Judge."

"I'm forgetting the ladies. Mrs. Seward? Something with alcohol? Or coffee? This machine will make tea, too, if I can remember which b.u.t.tons to push. And how about your sister? And your cousins? Miss Smith? I recall what you used to order at the Gib some years back. Are your tastes the same now?"

(Watch it, Boss! It's loaded.) (Relax, Eunice.) "Judge, with a new body my tastes have changed in some respects. But I remember fondly Glen Grant on the rocks-back before my doctors put a stop to it. But I haven't tasted anything with that much authority since those days, and, since this is a competency hearing, I'll settle for coffee. Or a c.o.ke, if you can twist its tail for that."

The Judge rubbed his nose and looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure it's a competency hearing until we settle this matter of ident.i.ty. Jake could have told you about Glen Grant. The idea of Johann Smith ordering a c.o.ke shakes me."

Joan smiled at him. "I know-hardly seems in character. My doctors made me quit carbonated drinks long before they made me give up whisky. Back about the time you entered law school. If I'm Johann Smith, that is. If I'm not, I'll ask to be excused-as in that case I'm not a ward of the Court and shouldn't be here. Isn't that correct?"

McCampbell looked still more thoughtful. "Jake, do you want to caution your client? No, not your 'client,' your-no, not that either. Blessed if I know what you are; that's what we've got to find out. Young lady, sit down and I'll fetch you a c.o.ke. Alec, get drink orders from your four ladies and serve them. Jake, you and Ned serve yourselves-Alee and I have a date with some fish in Nova Scotia tomorrow morning and I'll be switched if I'll keep fish waiting over a surprise turn in this hearing. Alec, confound your Irish soul, are you seriously questioning the ident.i.ty of this young lady?"

"Well-Judge, are you going to talk about contempt if I suggest that your question is not properly put?"

McCampbell sighed. "Young lady, pay no attention to him. He was my roommate in college and gives me a bad time whenever he comes into my court. Someday I'm going to give him thirty days to think it over-and about four-thirty tomorrow morning I'm going to trip him into some very cold water. Accidentally."

"Do that, Mac, and I'll sue. In Canada."

"I know he was your roommate, Judge; you were both 'Big Greens'-Dartmouth seventy-eight, was it not? Why not let him ask me questions and find out for himself who I am?"

Mrs. Seward said shrilly, "That's not the way to go about it! First you must take the fingerprints of that-that impostor impostor-and-"

"Mrs. Seward! Seward!"

"Yes, Judge? I was just going to say-"

"Shut up!"

Mrs. Seward shut up. Judge McCampbell went on, "Madam, simply because it suits me to be informal in my chambers do not think that this is not a court in session or that I would not find you in contempt. I would enjoy it. Alec, you had better convince her of that."

"Yes, Your Honor. Mrs. Seward, any suggestions you have, you will make through me me, not to the Court."

"But I was just going to say that-"

"Mrs. Seward, keep quiet! You're here only by courtesy of the Court until this matter of ident.i.ty is cleared up. I'm sorry, Judge. I advised my clients that, at the most, this was a holding action. I know that Jake Salomon would not risk bringing a ringer-sorry, Miss Smith-a ringer into court."

"And I know it."

"But they insisted. If Mrs. Seward won't control herself, I'll have to ask your permission to withdraw from the case."

The Judge shook his head and grinned. "No, sirree, Alec. You fetched them here, you're stuck with them-at least until Court adjourns. Jake? Is Ned still fronting for you? Or will you speak for yourself?"

"Oh, I think we can both speak up from time to time, without friction."

"Ned?"

"Of course, Judge. Jake can speak for himself and should. But I'm finding it interesting. Novel situation."

"Quite. Well, speak up if you have anything to contribute. Alec, I don't think we can get anywhere today. Do you?"

Alec Train stood mute. Joan said, "Why not, Judge? I'm here, I'm ready. Ask me anything. Bring out the rack and the thumbscrews-I'll talk."

The Judge again rubbed his nose. "Miss Smith, I sometimes think that my predecessors were overly hasty in letting such tools be abolished. I think I can settle to my own satisfaction whether or not you are the person known as Johann Sebastian Bach Smith, of this city and of Smith Enterprises, Limited. But it is not that simple. In an ordinary idert.i.ty case Mrs. Seward's suggestion of fingerprints would be practical. But not in this case. Alec? Do Pet.i.tioners stipulate that the brain of their grandfather was transplanted into another body?"

Pet.i.tioners' counsel looked unhappy. "May it please the Court, I am under instructions not to stipulate anything of the sort."

"So? What's your theory?"

"Uh, 'Missing and presumed dead,' I suppose. We take the position that the burden of proof is on anyone who steps forward and claims to be Johann Sebastian Bach Smith."

"Jake?"

"I can't agree as to the burden of proof, Judge. But my client-my ward who is also my client, Johann Sebastian Bach Smith-is present in court and I am pointing at her. I know her to be that named individual. Both of us are ready to be questioned by the Court in any fas.h.i.+on in order to a.s.sure the Court as to her ident.i.ty. I was about to say that both of us are willing to be questioned by anyone-but on second thought I cannot concede that there is any any interested party other than my client." interested party other than my client."

"Judge?"

"Yes, Miss Smith? Jake, do you want her to speak?"

"Oh, certainly. Anything."

"Go ahead, Miss Smith."

"Thank you. Judge, my granddaughters can ask me anything. I've known them since they were babies; if they try to trip me, I'll have them hanging on the ropes in two minutes. For example, Johanna-the one you called 'Mrs. Seward'-was hard to housebreak. On her eighth birthday-May fifteenth nineteen-sixty, the day the Paris Conference between Eisenhower and Khrushchev broke down-her mother, my daughter Evelyn, invited me over to see the little brat have her birthday cake, and Evelyn shoved Johanna into my lap and she cut loose-"

"I did no such thing!"

"Oh, yes, you did, Johanna. Evelyn s.n.a.t.c.hed you off my lap and apologized and said that you had a bed-wetting problem. Can't say as to that-my daughter lied easily."

"Judge, are you going to sit there and let that-that person-insult the memory of my dead mother?"

"Mrs. Seward, your counsel cautioned you. If you don't heed his caution, this Court is capable of nailing you into a barrel and letting you speak only when I say to pull out the bung. Or some such. Squelch her, Alec. Suppress her the way they did in the trial in 'Alice in Wonderland'-which this is beginning to resemble. She's not a party to this; she is here only to give evidence in case the Court needs it. Miss Smith-"

"Yes, sir?"

"Your opinions as to the veracity of your putative descendants are not evidential. Can you think of anything that Johann Smith would know and that I would know or could check on-but which Jake Salomon could not possibly have briefed you on?"

"That's a tough one, Your Honor."

"So it is. But the alternative-today-is for me to a.s.sume that you are an imposter most carefully coached and then to question you endlessly in an attempt to trip you. I don't want to do that. . . because final identification-now that the matter has been raised-will have to be by evidence as conclusive as fingerprints. You see that, don't you?"

"Yes, I see it but I don't quite see how." She smiled and spread her graceful hands. "My fingerprints-and everything about me that can be seen-are those of my donor."

"Yes, yes, surely-but there are more ways of killing a cat than b.u.t.tering it with parsnips. Later."

"Harrumph!"

"Yes, Jake?"

"Judge, in- the interests of my client I cannot concede that physical means of identifying this body are relevant. The question is: Is this the individual individual designated by Social Security number 551-20-0052 and known to the world as Johann Sebastian Bach Smith? I suggest that 'Estate of Henry M. Parsons v. Rhode Island,' while not on all fours, is relevant." designated by Social Security number 551-20-0052 and known to the world as Johann Sebastian Bach Smith? I suggest that 'Estate of Henry M. Parsons v. Rhode Island,' while not on all fours, is relevant."

McCampbell said mildly, "Jake, you are much older. than I am and I'm reasonably sure you know the law more thoroughly than I do. Nevertheless, here today, I am the Judge."

"Certainly, Your Honor! May it please the Court, I-"

"So quit being so d.a.m.ned respectful in my chambers. You sat on my orals and voted to pa.s.s me, so you must think I know some law. Of course the Parsons case is relevant; we'll get to it later. In the meantime I'm trying to find a basis for a pro-tem ruling. Well, Miss Smith?"

"Judge, I don't care whether I'm identified or not. In the words of a gallant gentleman: 'Broke don't scare me.' " She suddenly chuckled and glanced at her granddaughters. "May I tell you something funny-privately?"

"Mmm . . . I could clear the room of everyone but you and your counsel; nevertheless you had better save any jokes until after we adjourn."

"Yes, sir. May I address one irrelevant remark to my granddaughters?"

"Hmmph. I may strike it from the record. Go ahead."

"Thank you, Judge. Girls-Johanna, Marla, June, Elinor-look at me. For thirty-odd years you have been waiting for me to die. Now you hope to prove that I am dead, else this silly business would never have come up. Girls, I hope you get away with it. . . for I can't wait to see your faces when my will is read." (You zapped 'em, Boss! Look Look at those expressions!) (I surely did, darling. Now shut up; we're not home free.) at those expressions!) (I surely did, darling. Now shut up; we're not home free.) "Your Honor-"

"Yes, Alec?"

"May I suggest that this is not relevant?"

Joan cut in. "But I said said it would be irrelevant, Mr. Train. Just the same, they had better start thinking about how to break my will, instead of this nonsense." She added thoughtfully, "Perhaps I had better set up a lifetime trust that will make them slightly better off with me alive than dead. . . to protect myself against patricidal a.s.sa.s.sination. Judge, is 'patricidal' the right word? Now that I'm female?" it would be irrelevant, Mr. Train. Just the same, they had better start thinking about how to break my will, instead of this nonsense." She added thoughtfully, "Perhaps I had better set up a lifetime trust that will make them slightly better off with me alive than dead. . . to protect myself against patricidal a.s.sa.s.sination. Judge, is 'patricidal' the right word? Now that I'm female?"

"Blessed if I know. Better make it 'avicidal'-no, 'avicide' already means the killing of birds and has nothing to do with 'avus.' Never mind, Miss Smith, take up such matters with your attorney and let us return to our muttons. Have you thought of anything which Jake Salomon could not have coached you on?"

"It's difficult. Jake has been handling my affairs for most of a generation. Mmm, Judge, will you shake hands with me?"

"Eh?"

"We had best do it under the table, or out of sight of anyone but Mr. Train."

Looking puzzled, the Judge went along with her request. Then he said, "Be d.a.m.ned! Excuse me. Miss Smith-shake hands with Alec."

Joan did so, letting her body cover it from spectators. Mr. Train looked surprised, whispered something to her which she answered in a whisper. (Boss, what was what?) (Greek. Tell you later, dear-though girls aren't supposed to know.) McCampbell said, "Mr. Salomon could not have coached you?"

"Ask him. Jake was a Barb, not a Greek."

"Of course I was a Barb," Salomon growled. "I had no stomach for being the exhibit Jew in a chapter that did not want its charter lifted. What is this?"

Train said, "Well, it seems.that Miss Smith is a fraternity brother of the Judge and myself. Mmm . . . 'sister,' I suppose. Judge, it's easy to check this on both Johann Smith and Mr. Salomon. In the meantime I find it persuasive."

"Perhaps I can add to it," Joan said. "Mr. Train -Brother Alec-of course you should check on both Jake and myself. But look me up in our fraternal archives under 'Schmidt' rather than 'Smith' as I changed my name in forty-one. Which my granddaughters know. But you both know of our fraternal Distress Fund?"

"Yes."

"Certainly, Miss Smith."

"The fund did not exist when I was pledged-my senior year it was, after I made Phi Beta Kappa and because our local chapter needed a greasy grind and had an alumnus willing to pay for my initiation. The fund was started during World War Two; I helped augment it some years later and was one of its trustees from fifty-six until late in the eighties when I dropped most outside activities. Judge, you tapped the fund for fifteen hundred in the spring of seventy-eight."

"Eh? So I did. But I paid it back, eventually-then donated the same amount at a later time, according to our customs."

"I'm glad to hear it. The latter, I mean; you were off the hook before I resigned as a trustee. I was a hard-nosed trustee, Judge, and never okayed a loan until I was certain that it was a distress case and not just a convenience to a lazy undergraduate. Shall I relate the circ.u.mstances which caused me to okay your loan?"

The Judge blinked. "I would rather you did not, at least not now. Alec knows them."

"Yes," agreed Train. "Would have lent him the money myself if I had had it." (What is this, Boss?) (Case of 'rheumatic fever,' sweet.) (Abortion money?) (No, no-he married the girl-and here I am digging up the skeleton.) (b.i.t.c.h.) (No, Eunice-my granddaughters don't know what I'm talking about, nor does Jake.) "I see no reason to discuss it," Miss Smith went on, "unless the Judge wants to question me privately-and if you do, Judge, do remind me to tell you a real giggle about the ancestries of my so loving granddaughters. Odd things happen even in the best families-and the Schmidt family was never one of the best. We're a vulgar lot, me and my descendants-our only claim to prominence is too much money."

"Later perhaps, Miss Smith. I am now ready to hand down a decision-temporary and conservative. Counsels?"

"Ready, Judge."

"Nothing to add, Your Honor."

McCampbell fitted his fingertips together. "Ident.i.ty. It need not depend on fingerprints or retinal patterns or similar customary evidence. John Doe could lose both hands and both feet, have both eyes gouged out, be so scarred and damaged that even his dentist could not identify him-and he would still be John Doe, with the same Social Security number. Something like that happened to you, Miss Smith, a.s.suming that you are indeed Johann Sebastian Bach Smith-though I am happy to see"-he smiled-"that no scars show.

"This Court finds persuasive the evidence of your ident.i.ty brought out in this hearing. We a.s.sume, pro tern, that you are Johann Sebastian Bach Smith.

"However"-the Judge looked at Salomon-"we now get to the Parsons case. Inasmuch as the Supreme Court has ruled that the question of life or death resides in the brain and nowhere else, this Court now rules that ident.i.ty must therefore reside in the brain and nowhere else. In the past it has never been necessary to decide this point; now it is necessary. We find that to rule in any other fas.h.i.+on would be inconsistent with the intent of the Supreme Court in 'Estate of Henry M. Parsons v. Rhode Island.' To rule in any other way would create chaos in future cases in any way similar to this one: Ident.i.ty must lie in the brain.

"Now, Jake, I am in effect going to shove the burden of the proof over onto you and your client. At a later time you must be prepared to prove beyond any possible doubt that Johann Sebastian Bach Smith's brain was removed from his body and transplanted into this body"-McCampbell pointed.

Jake nodded. "I realize that, Judge. A person who wants to cash a check must prove his ident.i.ty-this is on all fours. But today we were taken by surprise."

"So was the Court-and, Alec, I'm going to take you by surprise someday. . . with something better than a pie bed or an exploding cigar. d.a.m.n it, you should have warned Court and Counsel."

"I apologize, Your Honor. I received my instructions quite late."

"You should have at once asked for a continuance, not let this hearing open. You know better. Never mind, the hearing has been instructive. Miss Smith-Miss Johann Sebastian Bach Smith subject to remarks above-you were made a ward of this Court and placed under the guardians.h.i.+p of Mr. Jacob Salomon for one reason alone: You were at the time not competent to manage your affairs by reason of post-operative incapacity. Let the record show that neither insanity in the legal sense nor mental illness in the medical sense had anything to do with it; you were in an extended condition of unconsciousness following surgery and that was all. You are no longer unconscious, you appear to be in good health, and the Court takes judicial notice that during this hearing you appeared always to be alert and clearheaded. Since the sole condition-unconsciousness-on which you were made a ward no longer obtains, you are now no longer a ward and Mr. Salomon is discharged of his guardians.h.i.+p-what's the trouble, Alec?"

"May it please the Court!-as Counsel for the Pet.i.tioners I must ask to have an objection entered into the record."

"On what grounds?"

"Why, lack of expert witnesses as to, uh, 'Miss Smith's' competence."

"Do you have expert witnesses ready to examine her?"

"Of course."

"Jake?"

"Certainly. Waiting on call."