The Good News About Marriage Part 3

91%.

Dr. Brad Wilc.o.x with the National Marriage Project conducted a survey of married couples with children at home and ran a special a.n.a.lysis for me comparing the answers of husbands and wives to each other in the same categories as my Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages study. Even though these marriages are statistically more likely to be strained (by the child-rearing years), 72 percent were still happy!49 Very happy-26% Happy-46% Less than happy-28%

72%.

Several state-specific studies have found similar results. One highly regarded 2001 study, "Marriage in Oklahoma," was conducted by an all-star group of researchers, including Dr. Scott Stanley, the senior program consultant for the project.50 This study discovered over two-thirds of Oklahoma couples were very happy.

Would you say your marriage is: Very happy-68% Pretty happy-29% Not too happy-3%

97%.

*Due to rounding, some totals do not equal 100%.

As I told the graduate students in the cafe that day, the actual percentage of happy marriages could be a bit lower or higher, but 80 percent seems like a very safe-in some ways, even conservative-number. And while the estimate may be conservative, the reactions to this good news are anything but. Consistently, when I share this statistic with an audience in a marriage seminar or women's conference, I usually lose the audience for a few moments as an excited buzz sweeps the room. One highly effective counselor told me, Someone once said the bulk of marriages end with a whimper not a bang. They just feel trapped and with no way out. So I do a lot of "What ifs" to get hurting couples to see a good option or explanation rather than a bad one. Like, "What if your husband wasn't intending to hurt you-what's another possible explanation for his action here?"

Well, having heard the real happiness numbers, now I want to start saying, "What if the vast majority of marriages are in good shape? If that is true, then you are an outlier, not the norm-and if most other marriages are able to get to happiness, you can too. We can solve this and get you back to where you want to be!"

Truth 2: Most People Are Glad They Married Their Spouse-and Would Do It All Over Again

Other surveys have gotten at the happiness question a different way, confirming some other good marriage news.

A Marist poll found that 95 percent of married individuals said they married the right person. The National Fatherhood Initiative Marriage Survey (NFIMS), mentioned earlier, found that 93 percent would marry their spouse all over again.52 Only 13 percent of respondents had gone through a bad enough marriage patch to consider divorce. And most touching, 97 percent expected to be married for life. See the table.

So Glad We Did It...

A Marist Poll, Published in August 201053 Do you think you married the right person, or not?

Yes-95% No-5% The National Fatherhood Initiative Marriage Survey (NFIMS)54 Would you marry the same person if you had to do it over again?

Yes-93% No-7% Since you married (married your current spouse), have you ever seriously considered filing for divorce?

Yes-13% No-87% Do you expect to be married for life?

Yes-97% No-3%

Truth 3: Most of Those Who Aren't Happy Will Be If They Stay Committed for Five Years

But what about those couples who aren't happy? There is good news for them too. The Inst.i.tute for American Values published a scholarly report a few years back that a.n.a.lyzed several findings about happiness from the National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH). Led by The Case for Marriage author Linda Waite, and including several other highly regarded researchers, this report asked an important question with its t.i.tle Does Divorce Make People Happy?

The answer to that question, it turns out, is largely no. The researchers were stunned to discover that the gra.s.s wasn't usually greener. Generally speaking, the unhappy adults who were perhaps trying to escape one type of pain by divorcing instead experienced a different type of pain. For instance, they showed an increase in signs of depression and alcohol use compared to those unhappy couples who stayed married.55 Many divorce lawyers I have interviewed tell me that this rings true for them. Not long after a divorce, their clients are often surprised by just how little time they really have with their kids or how much trouble is being caused by the split itself, not just the conflict that led to it. Several years down the road, some clients privately say, "If I had known, I might not have done it."

Thankfully, according to the above study, if an unhappy couple does stick with their marriage, the vast majority are happy within five years, with the largest improvement coming for those who were the most miserable. Two conclusions from the report:56 * "Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later."57 * "Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later."58 And this is not an isolated finding; the Oklahoma study mentioned earlier corroborates that people are grateful they didn't give up on a troubled marriage. Among those whose marriages had been in enough trouble to consider divorce, the vast majority said they were glad they had stuck it out and were still together (79 percent of those married seven years or less, rising to 95 percent or more after the first seven years of marriage).59 Several psychologists, therapists, and other counselors who had already been aware of these studies, especially the likelihood of being happy within five years, have told me that this one piece of good news alone is life changing for many couples. Because what often causes someone to actually throw in the towel is simply not being able to see when the pain will end.

A few years ago, Jeff and I watched a few seasons of the Discovery Channel reality show Out of the Wild, in which a group of average people are dropped into a vast, harsh, and very remote wilderness environment (for example, Alaska) and must find their way to civilization. They are given no food, water, or shelter (they have to find and build it all) and-most important-no map to where or how far away civilization is. But they are given a handset with a big tempting b.u.t.ton that they can press to be rescued if they just can't take it anymore.

It turns out that what torpedoes most of the partic.i.p.ants is not the grinding hunger or the agony of blistered feet or the freezing nights-it is the open-endedness of the pain. It is not knowing how long it will be until things get better. Most could clearly last it out if they knew I only have three more days to go, but they don't know whether it will be three days or three months. So when they are at their lowest, they push the Eject b.u.t.ton.

It works the same way in marriage. Imagine the difference for hurting couples to know Yes, we've been miserable for a few years, but most couples in our situation are actively happy within five years, so we can stick it out that long and work to get better.

An Opportunity for Those Who Lead

Like many in the general public, countless leaders I've talked to a.s.sume most marriages are in the so-so category. But I also interviewed several priests, pastors, and leaders of marriage-related nonprofits who knew the truth, either from specific research or simply because, as one put it, the more negative numbers "just didn't pa.s.s the smell test."

And as a result, in many cases these leaders had changed their programming or the big-picture strategy of how they worked with marriages. Listen in on one pastor's comments: Well, I've heard that most couples are just getting by, but at least here we are seeing something different. We did a survey of our congregation, and 86 percent of the married folks said they liked being married and didn't really get much out of the stuff we were doing for hurting couples. Mostly, we realized folks needed encouragement and supportive fellows.h.i.+p, with a little bit of equipping.

So we redesigned our marriage ministry to focus more on fun things for the couple and ways to catch problems before they start. For example, we provide childcare on Friday nights once a month so couples can go on date nights. We have even gotten the nearby restaurants and theater to sponsor some date nights.

Twice a year we do a big Friday night event to bring everyone together, and we use that to funnel people into couples' small groups. We train the small-group leaders to spot trouble early. The whole process is designed to generate community, so if a couple starts to have trouble, someone will clue in.

We've always had an active group of marriage counselors. But by the time you decide to go to a counselor, you're probably pretty unhappy. We realized we needed a way to support the folks who were happy and wanted to stay that way.

Similar to this pastor, several leaders of churches and other members.h.i.+p organizations mentioned doing a survey to discover what the needs actually are and then developing a ministry model to meet them. FamilyLife has been offering its Family Needs Survey to congregations for years, and you'll see some of the aggregate (anonymous) results of what they've learned in these pages. (If you're interested in exploring a Family Needs Survey, the website is www.familylife.com/FNS.) We will highlight other options on our website www.goodnewsmarriage.com over time.

Beyond that, if you are a leader looking for different models of marriage ministry, go to our website to see the piece ent.i.tled "Three Sample Models of Marriage Ministry," featuring three short interviews with leaders who have developed different ways of doing marriage ministry within a church, each of which is working well for many different congregations.

But Should We Be Focusing on Happiness in Marriage?

Although the secret longing for a happy, lifelong marriage is one of the deepest desires of the human heart, many people these days understandably worry about focusing on marital happiness.

We have all seen the terrible difficulties that come when someone looks to marriage or their spouse to make them happy-when someone expects an imperfect person to deliver what I believe only G.o.d can deliver. We have all seen the tragic outcome of what happens when someone concludes I'm not happy, so I'm out of here.

As a result many of us who work with marriages have focused more on saying that marriage is about serving the other person-that we need to plan to endure times of tribulation, work hard, and not expect a primrose path.

And all of that is true. But when that is all we share about marriage, we and everyone else begin to a.s.sume that most marriages aren't happy. It is so easy to discourage people about marriage without intending to! If it's not going to be the abundant, joyful, delightful union my heart is longing for, the average young person might think, and if getting married doesn't make my companions.h.i.+p with this other person better, why bother getting married? One well-respected marriage and family pastor discussed it with me this way: Gary Thomas's book Sacred Marriage is one of my top two favorite marriage books. That subt.i.tle is amazing: What If G.o.d Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? And I see how G.o.d uses my own marriage to teach me the truth of unconditional love.

But I think the problem in the church is that we've also developed this tone that marriage is a bit of a beat-down and by G.o.d's design it is supposed to be a bit brutal. Paul says that those who marry will have trouble. We need to preach that, but we shouldn't say, "Marriage will teach you to endure," without also highlighting things like Proverbs 5:18, "Rejoice in the wife of your youth"!

We need to say that G.o.d's ultimate design is that I'm supposed to enjoy marriage with my wife and walk through this life with her! That is just as much in the Bible. Gary Thomas is right about countering romanticism, but I wonder if now the pendulum has swung too much the other way. We need to hold out the need to work on your marriage, without saying that G.o.d is trying to make you miserable with marriage!

"We need to say that G.o.d's ultimate design is that I'm supposed to enjoy marriage with my wife and walk through this life with her!"

A few years back, Jeff and I were doing a weekend marriage conference for a ministry outside of Boston. We mentioned how easy it is to fall into a pattern of saying "Marriage is hard" even though, despite the inevitable challenges, most people would not actually describe their marriage that way. What seems much more universal and accurate, we shared, is that we sometimes have to work hard in our marriages.

The wors.h.i.+p leader and Christian singer at that event was Danny Oertli, and as we were saying this, I happened to look over to where he and his wife were sitting and noticed that his mind looked a hundred miles away.

The next week he e-mailed us, "Something in your talk inspired me. To be honest, once I heard you guys say it, I zoned out and went into 'songwriter world.' You were talking about how people always say marriage is so hard, when it often really isn't. We totally relate! So here's a super-rough version of a song I wrote yesterday and scratched out late last night."

Jeff and I listened to his song together, and when we got to the chorus, we had tears in our eyes. Here are just the opening lyrics. (You can hear the whole rough cut of the song at our website for this book, www.goodnewsmarriage.com, but I'm hoping Danny officially records it at some point!) It's So Hard (unpublished song by Danny Oertli)60 I can still remember what the preacher said, when we were at the altar hand in hand.

All his words were filled with gloom and dread, about how hard a marriage is, harder than you think.

Well I'm glad I didn't turn and run that night. Because all these years later, I guess he did get one thing right.

[Chorus]

It's so hard to leave you in the morning, It's so hard not to think of you all day, And it's so hard just waiting for your loving.

And I agree with what that preacher said: it's so hard.

It is so vital for us to affirm that although there are many marriages that are hard or go through hard times, that most of the time, marriage is delightful-that it's okay to hope and work for that type of marriage, even as we emphasize that not having it is never an excuse to give up.

Because the good-news truth is that in most cases marriage is the most amazing, delightful, and profound earthly relations.h.i.+p that any of us will ever know. The truth is that although most couples have to work at marriage, and some will go through very hard times, most come out the other side and enjoy each other for a lifetime. The truth is that although we can never look to marriage to make us happy, we need to be trumpeting the fact that when a couple chooses wisely and then takes the scary but wonderful step of commitment for life, they are much more likely to have that abundant relations.h.i.+p they are hoping for.

Summary * Most people erroneously a.s.sume that most marriages aren't particularly happy, which is very demoralizing.

* Many people are cynical about marriage-or avoid it entirely-as a result.

* In reality, though, around 80 percent of marriages are happy, with around 30 percent being very happy!

* The vast majority (93 percent or more) are glad they married their spouse and would do it all over again-including those who had at one time considered divorce.

* Most of those who are the least happy will be the most happy if they stay committed for five years.

* Marriage may require hard work, but that doesn't mean that most marriages are hard. For most couples, marriage is the most delightful earthly relations.h.i.+p that they will ever know.

Good News #2 The vast majority of marriages are happy (around 80 percent)! Most people are glad they married their spouse and, given the chance, would do it all over again.

4.

How Active Faith Lowers the Divorce Rate

Few things are more unsettling than working hard, trying to do the right things, and getting no more benefit than someone who does all the wrong things and doesn't care. Similarly, few things are more demoralizing than working hard to teach others to do the right things and seeing the same dynamic unfold.

Thankfully, doing the right things usually leads to a payoff. Eating right keeps you healthier than those who don't, and teaching a child to study hard usually earns him higher grades.

But those in the faith community have become disheartened by the idea that this same principle doesn't seem to apply to marriage. Pastors and priests have worked so hard to support couples through premarital counseling, teaching the important precepts that the Bible says will protect marriages, and counseling those with troubled marriages. Many churchgoers have tried hard to follow biblical marriage principles about selflessness, love, respect, forgiveness, and keeping no record of wrongs, even when it is difficult.