The Punster's Pocket-book Part 25

"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the English[28] spring, with a sparing distortion."

[28] Anglo _fonte cadent, parce detorta_.

So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the pa.s.sage, correcting the corruption (_Graeco_ fonte) which has so long obtained, to the injury of truth and good letters.

I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they are _all derived from one source_. Such, however, as occur to me elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of truth.

_Pallas._ This word should be written thus _'Pallas_, with an apostrophe, as in the instance of _'fore_ for _afore_. Its origin then clearly appears. The G.o.ddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's head on her s.h.i.+eld, that had the power of killing or turning into stone, which was indeed enough to _Appal us_.

In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and ent.i.tled _Stafford's Niobe_, I find something like an attempt to prove that the G.o.ddess of wisdom acquired the name of _Pallas_ from the _Paleness_ she occasions in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological bearing, will, from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on this nice point.

_Venus_, from _wean us_, as it is even now elegantly p.r.o.nounced by many.

As the heavenly Venus had that power with the G.o.ds, so has each earthly one with us, namely, to _wean us_ from all other earthly things, and hence the undoubted derivation.

??e??, or _Egemon_, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. to _egg 'em on_. It will be observed, that I have sunk the aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "_Hi ham_" for I am.

_Macrones_, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an abbreviated p.r.o.nunciation of _Macaronies_.

_Celsus._ This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said, he _sells us_, and from that moment he bore his present name.

_L. Mummius_, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of _mummius_, or _mummy us_, from being sent against the Achaeans, whom he beat most unmercifully.

_Boreas._ This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually crying, "how they _bore us_!" which in time gave rise to the word _boreas_, or as it was originally p.r.o.nounced _bore us_. Here we presently come at the etymology of the verb _to bore_, which has. .h.i.therto baffled all research and made futile every conjecture. It cannot be questioned that the Persian _Boreus_, and _Borus_ the son of Perieres, had their names from some such obnoxious qualities as are attributed to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess what they were, and are by no means willing to venture an hypothesis that may lead to indecency. It is worthy of remark, as an astonis.h.i.+ng fact, that these gentlemen are mentioned by Polyaenus and Apollodorus, but without a word in the _Stratagems_ of the one, or in the _Bibliotheca_ of the other, that throws any light on the matter.

_Philostratus._ A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his entertainments, from which circ.u.mstance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen of _fill us, treat us_. The penultimate of Philostratus is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable in these cases, and coming a.s.suredly under the description of _parce detorta_.

_Mannus._ It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from having once undertaken to furnish some _fleet with men_; but from being a German G.o.d, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in this etymology.

_aesymnus._ This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time call the G.o.d his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim _ease him nurse_, which speaks for itself.

_Bacchus_, or _Back us_; and admirably so called, because he is found to be the second best in the world, inspiring courage even in a coward.

_Confucius._ About the etymology of the t.i.tle of this famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the modern description, who put every thing into _confusion_.

_Damon._ This poet received his name from a circ.u.mstance that attended his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he began d--ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough fellow, said, "Oh, you may _d.a.m.n on_ as long as you like, it does not signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observations repeated, nicknamed him _Damon_, or as it was formerly written and spoken, _Dammon_.

_Alala._ The G.o.ddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the battle _all hollow_.

_aesacus._ He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont, _he's a curse_, which soon became the lover's appellation.

_t.i.tans._ A t.i.tle given to the sons of Clus and Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c.; but when the G.o.d heard that they were about to fight with him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay,--ecod they're _tight 'uns_!" and this name has distinguished them ever since.

The above word reminds me of an eastern one--????? or _Abaddon_, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances of _the like nature_, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable, _in an equal degree_, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon is a name belonging to the devil, and _the most ignorant_ will not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology in _A bad 'un_.

In fine--sunt certi denique _fines_--There have been writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;"

others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step, talk of proving incontestibly that there _never were any ancients_. But one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the world, and do not deserve the t.i.tle, but that we who live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, being _reasonably_ substantiated, lends its powerful a.s.sistance to confirm the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect to _any thing yet stated_, that it will ultimately prove to be the _universal language_.

EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER,

BEING

RULES FOR PUNNING,

OR

PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS.

A FRAGMENT.

"Comitantibus armis, PUN_ica_ se--attollet _gloria_." _Virg. aen._ iv.

Prefatory remarks on the art of punning--its antiquity from Homer's _outis_, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it--a lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well-known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, &c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruction of three-quarters of what are called the _wits_ of our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers.

Under these circ.u.mstances of fas.h.i.+on and prevalence, a man might as well go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to punning--"_Magister erat._"

In the _rules_ divide thus--puns for every day, in one week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, varied according to the cla.s.s of life, and the rank held in the particular establishment, &c. &c.

MASTER OF A FAMILY.

_First day--Sketch to be filled up._

_Sunday._--This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and puns--they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example to your family, but let _them_ attend to the parson, you may be preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a party.

The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that she should a.s.sist you--she is your _help-mate_. Connive together, and let her put _leading questions_. Half an hour before dinner--company come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs. ---- observes, that she fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to take _Adam_, the footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband immediately remarks, that Adam may be _the first_ of men, but he is _a d.a.m.n_ slow fellow.

_Mrs. ----._ My dear _Tom_, you deserve a _Cane_ for that.

_Mr. ----._ Ay, if you were _Able_ to give it to me, who am a _host_ to-day. Perhaps you were on the _Eve_ of saying this; well, there's as much chance in these things as in a _Pair o' dice_.

(_A general laugh._)

Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any thing more can be made of it.

N.B. Hire no man unless his name is _Adam_, or he will suffer you to call him so.

Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter, _Lucy_, because, if you are a _profound_ scholar, you can frequently bring in "_luce_ clarior." Your other girl, _Sally_, ran away with an apothecary.

Mrs. ---- will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah, Sal _volatile_!"

Invite a poor French priest[29] to your table at these times. He is always to ask, when your children appear, "_Est ce qu'ils sont tous par la meme mere?_"

[29] The word _Emigre_, which appears in this article as before printed, would at once destroy the _unquestionable_ right Swift has to the honour of this MS. for _Emigre_ did not obtain in our language till long after his death.

When you are to reply--"Yes, I believe they are all by the same _mare_, but I won't answer for the horse[30]."

[30] This has been given to Foote; but dates decide.