The Punster's Pocket-book Part 22

"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large _landed_ property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is _groundless_."

A PUN.--THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER.

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following pa.s.sage:--_Tu es_ Petrus, _et super hanc petram aedificabo meam ecclesiam_. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of--_Tu es_ Pierre, _et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise_!!!

A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN.

An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars.

"Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest _tambour-worker_ I ever met with."

A BACKSLIDER'S PUN.

A gentleman asked another if he would have a _skait_ on the Serpentine;--"Most certainly; but I can't trust to my _soles_ and _heels_: besides, I should lose my character."--"Lose your character!"--"Aye, I should become a _back-slider_."--"Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on _fundamental_ principles."

AN HERALDIC PUN.

A gentleman employing a porter whose name was _Russel_, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Our _arms_ (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our _coats_."

A CANONICAL PUN.

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said--"So, Canon H---- is dead!"--"Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware that _cannons_ went _off_ in that way."--"Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the _report_!"

AN APOTHECARY'S PUN.

"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband--"_Expect to ate_, yer honour--no sure, and Paddy does _not_ expect to ate--he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of _mixture_ from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.

A BITTER PUN.

An apothecary a.s.serted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a _bitter cold day_."

A SMUGGLER'S PUN.

When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many _Alexanders_.

"Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like _Seizers_,"

(Caesars.)

COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN.

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing _a spot of grease_ on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a _Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that's _far-fetched_."--"No, indeed," says the punster, "I made it _on the spot_."

A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN.

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the _Skullist_, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we get _out_ of them."--"Yes," says the physiognomist, "G.o.d help the heads _saddled_ with such a theory! for whilst one _galls_, t'other _spurs 'em_."

A CITY PUN.

A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his _day-book's_ closed, and he's _posted_, I suppose, to his _long account_."--"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged in _book-keeping_ all his life!"

A PHYSICAL PUN.

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician--"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?"

"Who! why Sir _Ever-hard-Home_."

A COLLEGE PUN.

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin cla.s.sics, for the best "_Carmen_" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better _carmen_ in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight.

A LADY'S PUN.

A very agreeable lady of the name of _Riggs_, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of the _male_ creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being well _manned_, I am sure we are well _rigged_."

A COBBLER'S PUN.

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's been _healed_ lately."

A JUDICIAL PUN.

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no _hog_ can become _bacon_ till he is _hanged_, and then I'll allow your claim."

A BACCHa.n.a.lIAN PUN.

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have been _spinning_ out the evening with my neighbour Freeport."--"And now (replied the other), you are _reeling_ it home."

A GERMAN PUN.

A young man of the name of Caesar having married a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "_Cave, Caesar, ne tua Roma fiat respublica_."

A WHISTLING PUN.