The Punster's Pocket-book Part 21

When war destruction on the soldier deals, Some seek from death a refuge in their heels; E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife, We find indebted to his _Legge_ for life!

MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.

Jack from his box surveys the house around, Views in the pit a friend with gla.s.s erect, Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct.

"How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard), "Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after?

Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd; Charles is so droll, I've _cracked my sides with laughter_."

TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.

That U follows Q Is not always true; When your pigtail I view, Then _queue_ follows _you_.

ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING THE LATE RAINS.

When British flags triumphant scour'd the main, Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain; But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he f.a.gs.

Oh that the main would scour the British flags!

TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."

If wit and elegance combined, With harmless satire glowing, Can gain applause, or charm the mind, It is to your _Pen-owing_.

ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART.

When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose; With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows; His (Boxer) _Bochsa beats time_, who's forced to impart Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's _Smart_.

A SNEER ANSWERED.

"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill, "Give me a _bon mot_ if you will."

"A what? a _bon mot_! how absurd!

Whoever gave you a _good word_."

A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG.

Here _lies_, who living never _lied_, A friend sincere, of courage tried; No slave to wealth, to vice unknown, Though oft reduced to _pick_ a _bone_.

_Patch'd_ was his _coat_, both _red_ and _white_, And _s.h.a.ggy_ too his outward plight; Yet grateful still his master serv'd, And from allegiance never swerv'd.

A sportsman true, who at a word Would _point_, and oft bring down his bird: Or _fetch_, or _carry_, _hunt_, or _find_, Whate'er was of the feather'd kind.

"By no disease--no blast he fell, "But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well, "Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time, "As clock that can no longer chime:"

Here Carlo stopp'd--for want of breath, Outrun at last by Nimrod death.

Bernard Blackmantle.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THE

PUNSTER'S COURT;

OR,

THE CONTEST BETWEEN Ja.n.u.s AND PAN.

VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT.

_For Ill.u.s.tration, see Vignette to t.i.tle._

Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages, Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages, Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek, That _Puns_ were esteem'd both by _Hebrew_ and _Greek_: Nay, more, that the G.o.ds loved and practised the fun, And their merriment owed to the mirth-making _Pun_.

There's Buxtorf, a learned _Chaldean_, hath told, That Ptolemaeus Philo-punnaeus, of old, Sent for six learned priests, for his princ.i.p.al city, To propagate _punning_ and make the folks witty: And so well did the priests with the people succeed, That their _Puns_ were collected, and thus 'twas decreed; "In a temple devoted to _punning_ and wit, "In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ; "'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'"-- Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.

Here Ja.n.u.s contended with Pan for the throne, When his _double-faced_ G.o.ds.h.i.+p unrivalled shone; For no matter how wittily Pan _punn'd_ away, Ja.n.u.s turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay,"

Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder, Decided for Ja.n.u.s's double _entendre_.

Bernard Blackmantle.

PUNS

FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;

OR,

_JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR._

"Touch but his _gunpowder wit_ with a merry _fire_, and you shall instantly hear a good _report_."

"A punster's wit, what is it like?"

"The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;"

"Or gunpowder," says merry Mike, "Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."

PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON.

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to _size_, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said

"If I bate you an _ace_, _Deuce_ take me; for it would be-_tray_ a weakness in a man who could not _cater_ for himself.

Therefore _sink_ me if you do _size_."

A NEGATIVE PUN.