The Ladies Book of Useful Information Part 11

Girls are differently const.i.tuted from boys. G.o.d makes the intellect predominate in males, and affection in females. Accordingly, a little girl early shows a love for a doll, regarding it quite as her baby and never taking into account that it is not alive. She has many of a mother's cares and anxieties, as well as pleasures, about it; indeed, as many as she is then capable of. It is a constant source of amus.e.m.e.nt and employment to her. In all this we may plainly see the hand of Providence. It forms a suitable introduction to some of the interesting and important duties which will devolve on her if it should be His good pleasure for her to become a mother.

You will, I dare say, readily see the object I now have in view. It is that I wish to impress on you how desirable it is that you should take every opportunity of becoming acquainted with the habits and wants of babies, and the best way of managing them. The more you have to do with them the more you will like the labors, and the easier and more delightful it will become. It is fair that, before you have children of your own, you should get your knowledge as to the management of them by experience with other people's. I take it for granted you will at all times do your best for them. You will then have but little cause to fear accident; and if accident should happen, as with all your care it sometimes will, you will have more confidence in your powers, and will be more likely to do what is best at the moment, than if you were unused to children. Much of the disease and early death that happens among children arises from the ignorance of the mothers, who, however, are much more to be pitied than blamed in the matter.

They had never been taught their duties toward their future offspring.

Few mothers are, perhaps, sufficiently aware of the great influence which their manners, habits, and conversation have upon the tender minds of their children, even from birth. The child should grow up with a feeling of reverence for its parents, which can only be the case when wisdom, as well as affection, is exercised in its bringing up. Hence the necessity of the mother fitting herself, both _intellectually_ and _morally_, for her sacred office, that the child may become accustomed to yield perfect obedience to her wishes, from a principle of love, and may acquire, as it advances in life, the habit of yielding a like obedience to that which is right.

As you well know that you are not perfect yourself, you must be prepared to find that your husband has also his imperfections, and it is no unimportant part of your duty to help him to get rid of them.

Indeed, it is one of the highest uses of marriage for each partner to a.s.sist the other on the journey to the heavenly Canaan. But before you attempt to point out a fault in him, consider how you had best proceed so as to attain your object; for unless you adopt a judicious mode, and an affectionate as well as earnest manner, you may do as much harm as good. You must also carefully watch your opportunity; for what would be favorably received at one time and under certain circ.u.mstances, might under other circ.u.mstances give offence and altogether fail of the good effect intended and hoped for. You do not know how powerful you may be for good to your husband. There is much truth in the saying, "A man is what a woman makes him."

Previous to your marriage it will be expedient for you not to give your lover that full and unlimited confidence which it will be your duty-and your inclination, too-to give him when he becomes your husband. I refer chiefly to family and other private matters, not to anything he ought to know to enable him to judge of your character and position. Many unhappy marriages have been brought about through the young woman letting it be known that she has "great expectations." A worthless fellow may, in consequence, have succeeded in winning her hand.

There is another point to which I must just allude before concluding this address. It is doubtless the order of Providence for marriage to take place, when possible, on our arriving at years of maturity. But I would guard you against the evil results of _too early_ marriage, before either body or mind is perfectly matured. We scarcely need consult either medical or moral science to satisfy ourselves on this by no means trifling point. We may find in society too many sad instances of such immature and indiscreet unions. The minds of young persons should be expanded by a certain amount of experience in the world before entering upon engagements involving so many momentous duties.

In your daily walks abroad, if you examine the countenances of those you meet, you will doubtless be led to conclude that there is a great deal of disease and misery in the world; but judging from my own observation, I think you will find that the greater number of persons exhibit signs of health and happiness. Much of the disease, and misery with which the world is afflicted is the direct result of the misconduct of the individuals themselves; but no little of it is attributable to their parents, who have neglected or violated G.o.d's laws of health, their misconduct thus affecting their descendants to the "third and fourth generation." I cannot, therefore, too much impress upon you the importance of your honestly trying to find out any bad habits to which you are inclined, with a view to getting rid of them, one by one, and supplying their place by good habits. By pursuing this course you will not only do much for your own happiness, but also for that of your children, if G.o.d should bless you with a family. Children, you know, are often striking likenesses of their parents, and in their minds and habits they likewise often resemble them. You should strive, then, to be good-not from mere self-love and that you may get to heaven, but because your duty to others requires it.

Earl Granville, when laying the foundation-stone of the Alexandria Orphanage, in England, thus expressed himself in reference to the great value of children: "Few will deny that a child is 'an inestimable loan,' as it has been called, or refuse to acknowledge, with one of our greatest poets, that the world would be a somewhat melancholy one if there were no children to gladden it." Children, more than any other earthly thing, equalize the conditions of society-to rich and poor they bring an interest, a pleasure, and an elevation which nothing else that is earthly does.

Now, young people, before they think of engaging themselves, should clearly know each other's peculiar views of religion; because if they differ seriously on this point there is danger of it interfering with that full confidence which is so essential to happiness.

CHAPTER IV.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE.

The attraction of the s.e.xes for each other, though based upon the dual principle of generation which pervades the living world and which has its a.n.a.logies in the attractive forces of matter, yet pervades the whole being.

LOVE IS NOT MERELY

the instinctive desire of physical union, which has for its object the continuation of the species-it belongs to the mind as well as to the body. It warms, invigorates, and elevates every sentiment, every feeling; and in its highest, purest, most diffusive form unites us to G.o.d and all creatures in Him.

ALL LOVE IS

essentially the same, but modified according to its objects and by the character of the one who loves. The love of children for their parents, of parents for offspring, brotherly and sisterly love, the love of friends.h.i.+p, of charity, and the fervor of religious love, are modifications of the same sentiment-the attraction that draws us to our kindred, our kind; that binds together all races and humanity itself, resting on the fatherhood of G.o.d and the brotherhood of man.

It is but natural that this love should vary in degrees. Attractions are proportional to proximity. Family is nearer than country; we prefer our own nation to the rest of the race.

Each individual has, also, his own special attractions and repulsions.

There is love at first sight and friends.h.i.+p at first sight. We feel some persons pleasant to us; to be near them is a delight. Generally such feelings are mutual-like flows to like, or as often, perhaps, differences fit into each other. We seek sympathy with our own tastes and habits, or we find in others what we lack. Thus the weak rest upon the strong, the timid are fond of the courageous, the reckless seek guidance of the prudent, and so on. The sentiment of

LOVE FOR THE OPPOSITE s.e.x

-tender, romantic, pa.s.sionate-begins very early in life. Fathers and daughters, mothers and sons, have a special fondness for each other, as, also, have brothers and sisters; but the boy soon comes to admire someone, generally older than himself, who is not a relation. Very little girls find a hero in some friend of an elder brother.

FONDNESS FOR COUSINS

generally comes more from opportunity than natural attraction, though a cousin may have very little appearance of family relation. The law appears to be that free choice seeks the diverse and distant. A stranger has always a better chance with the young ladies of any district than the young men with whom they have always been acquainted. Savages seek their wives out of their own tribe.

It is my belief that naturally (I mean in a state of pure and unperverted nature, but developed cultivated, and refined by education) every man loves womanhood itself, and all women so far as they approximate to his ideal; and that in the same way every woman loves manhood, and is attracted and charmed by all its gentle, n.o.ble, and heroic manifestations. By such a man, every woman he meets is reverenced as a mother, sister, daughter, or, it may be, cherished in a more tender relation, which should be at first, and may always remain, free from any sensual desire. Such love may have many objects, each attracting the kind and degree of affection which it is able to inspire. Such love of men for women, and women for men, may be free and will be free just in the degree in which it is freed from the bondage of sensual pa.s.sion.

SUCH LOVE HAS A DIRECT TENDENCY

to raise men above the control of their senses. The more of such love one has and the more it is diffused, the less the liability to sink into the lower and disorderly loves of the sensual life.

The idea that every attraction, every attachment, every love between the s.e.xes must lead to marriage-that no love can be tolerated but with that end in view-is a very false and mischievous one. It deprives men and women of the strength and happiness they might have in pure friends.h.i.+ps and pure loves, and it leads to a mult.i.tude of false and bad marriages. Two persons are drawn together by strong attractions and tender sentiments for each other who have no more right to be married than if they were brother and sister, but who have the same right to love each other. But their true sentiments for each other, and consequent relation to each other, are not understood by those around them and perhaps not by themselves. They are urged by the misapprehension of others, by their expectation, by ignorant gossip, by the prejudice of society, based upon low and sensual estimates of life, to marry; they find that they must either marry or lose the happiness they have in each other's society, and they make the irrevocable mistake.

When it is understood that there are

OTHER LOVES

than that of marriage; when the special attraction that justifies union for life, and the begetting of offspring, is discriminated from all the other attractions that may bring two souls into very near and tender relations to each other, there will be more happiness in the world and fewer incomplete, imperfect, and, therefore, more or less unhappy, marriages. Nothing can be more detestable than that playing with fire which goes by the name of

FLIRTATION;

but there are men and women who have the happiness of living and of being tenderly and devotedly loved by persons of the opposite s.e.x-loved purely, n.o.bly, happily-without injury and with great good.

When such loves are accompanied by perfect trust in the goodness, purity, truth, and honor of the beloved, there can be no jealousy, no desire for selfish absorption, no fear of deprivation of any right.

There is no reason why a husband or a wife should limit the range of pure and spiritual affection to near relatives.

THE MAN WHO CAN LOVE

a sister as sisters are often loved, may love in the same way, or as purely, any woman who might be his sister. As men and women learn to purify their lives, the world will grow more tolerant and love will become more universal. The tender and fervent exhortations to mutual love to be found in the Gospels and Epistles of the New Testament are now almost without a meaning. But they had a meaning to those to whom they were addressed, and when we are better Christians, and bring our lives to the purity of Christian morality, they will have a meaning to us and we shall learn that, in a sense we have not dreamed of, G.o.d is Love.

IN THE HUMAN RACE ALL CIRc.u.mSTANCES POINT TO MONOGAMY

as the lawful or natural condition. Males and females are born in almost equal numbers. If there are two or three per cent. more of males than females, the risks of life with males soon make the number even. Therefore, as a rule, no man can have more than one wife without robbing his neighbor.

_Polygamy_ is therefore a manifest injustice, and may become the most grievous of all monopolies.

Children are the most helpless of all young creatures and require the care of parents for the longest period. The care of a husband for his wife, and of a father for his child, is an evident necessity. The proper care and education of a single child should extend over at least fifteen years, and that of a family may reach to thirty years, or throughout the greatest part of an ordinary life. During all periods of pregnancy, childbearing, nursing, and the education and care of a family, every woman has a right to the sympathy, sustaining love, and constant aid of her husband. No man has a right to desert or leave helpless, or even dependent upon others, except in extraordinary cases, the mother of his children.

Marriage, like celibacy, should be a matter of vocation.

THE SPECIAL OBJECT OF MARRIAGE

is to have children; the co-operating motive is that two persons drawn to each other by a mutual affection may live helpfully and happily together. A selfish marriage, for its merely animal gratifications-a marriage in which strength, health, usefulness, often life itself, are sacrificed to sensuality and l.u.s.t-is a desecration of a holy inst.i.tution, and somewhat worse in its consequences than promiscuous profligacy, for the consequences of that may not fall upon one's children and posterity.

There are many persons who have no right to marry. There should be a kind and amount of love that will justify and sanctify such a relation. There should be a pure motive and the fixed intention of making the relation what it ought to be to husband, wife, and children. There should be a reasonable a.s.surance of the power to provide for a family. There should be that amount of health, that freedom from bodily and mental disease, that physical and moral const.i.tution which will give a reasonable prospect of children whose lives will be a blessing to themselves and to society.