The Best American Humorous Short Stories Part 13

"----your own _hair_ or a wig"; "it will be _long enough_," etc., etc.; "little of its age," etc., etc.; also, playing upon the following words: _hos_pital; _mayor_; _pun_; _pitied_; _bread_; _sauce_, etc., etc., etc. _See_ INDEX EXPURGATORIUS, _printed for use of Inmates_.

The subjoined Conundrum is not allowed: Why is Hasty Pudding like the Prince? Because it comes attended by its _sweet_; nor this variation to it, _to wit_: Because the _'la.s.ses runs after it_.

The Superintendent, who went round with us, had been a noted punster in his time, and well known in the business world, but lost his customers by making too free with their names--as in the famous story he set afloat in '29 _of four Jerries_ attaching to the names of a noted Judge, an eminent Lawyer, the Secretary of the Board of Foreign Missions, and the well-known Landlord at Springfield. One of the _four Jerries_, he added, was of gigantic magnitude. The play on words was brought out by an accidental remark of Solomons, the well-known Banker. "_Capital punishment_!" the Jew was overheard saying, with reference to the guilty parties. He was understood, as saying, _A capital pun is meant_, which led to an investigation and the relief of the greatly excited public mind.

The Superintendent showed some of his old tendencies, as he went round with us.

"Do you know"--he broke out all at once--"why they don't take steppes in Tartary for establis.h.i.+ng Insane Hospitals?"

We both confessed ignorance.

"Because there are _nomad_ people to be found there," he said, with a dignified smile.

He proceeded to introduce us to different Inmates. The first was a middle-aged, scholarly man, who was seated at a table with a _Webster's Dictionary_ and a sheet of paper before him.

"Well, what luck to-day, Mr. Mowzer?" said the Superintendent.

"Three or four only," said Mr. Mowzer. "Will you hear 'em now--now I'm here?"

We all nodded.

"Don't you see Webster _ers_ in the words cent_er_ and theat_er_?

"If he spells leather _lether_, and feather _fether_, isn't there danger that he'll give us a _bad spell of weather_?

"Besides, Webster is a resurrectionist; he does not allow _u_ to rest quietly in the _mould_.

"And again, because Mr. Worcester inserts an ill.u.s.tration in his text, is that any reason why Mr. Webster's publishers should hitch one on in their appendix? It's what I call a _Connect-a-cut_ trick.

"Why is his way of spelling like the floor of an oven? Because it is _under bread_."

"Mowzer!" said the Superintendent, "that word is on the Index!"

"I forgot," said Mr. Mowzer; "please don't deprive me of _Vanity Fair_ this one time, sir."

"These are all, this morning. Good day, gentlemen." Then to the Superintendent: "Add you, sir!"

The next Inmate was a semi-idiotic-looking old man. He had a heap of block-letters before him, and, as we came up, he pointed, without saying a word, to the arrangements he had made with them on the table.

They were evidently anagrams, and had the merit of transposing the letters of the words employed without addition or subtraction. Here are a few of them:

TIMES. SMITE!

POST. STOP!

TRIBUNE. TRUE NIB.

WORLD. DR. OWL.

ADVERTISER. { RES VERI DAT.

{ IS TRUE. READ!

ALLOPATHY. ALL O' TH' PAY.

h.o.m.oEOPATHY. O, THE ----! O! O, MY! PAH!

The mention of several New York papers led to two or three questions.

Thus: Whether the Editor of _The Tribune_ was _H.G. really_? If the complexion of his politics were not accounted for by his being _an eager_ person himself? Whether Wendell _Fillips_ were not a reduced copy of John _Knocks_? Whether a New York _Feuilletoniste_ is not the same thing as a _Fellow down East_?

At this time a plausible-looking, bald-headed man joined us, evidently waiting to take a part in the conversation.

"Good morning, Mr. Riggles," said the Superintendent, "Anything fresh this morning? Any Conundrum?"

"I haven't looked at the cattle," he answered, dryly.

"Cattle? Why cattle?"

"Why, to see if there's any _corn under 'em_!" he said; and immediately asked, "Why is Douglas like the earth?"

We tried, but couldn't guess.

"Because he was _flattened out at the polls_!" said Mr. Riggles.

"A famous politician, formerly," said the Superintendent. "His grandfather was a _seize-Hessian-ist_ in the Revolutionary War. By the way, I hear the _freeze-oil_ doctrines don't go down at New Bedford."

The next Inmate looked as if he might have been a sailor formerly.

"Ask him what his calling was," said the Superintendent.

"Followed the sea," he replied to the question put by one of us. "Went as mate in a fis.h.i.+ng-schooner."

"Why did you give it up?"

"Because I didn't like working for _two mast-ers_," he replied.

Presently we came upon a group of elderly persons, gathered about a venerable gentleman with flowing locks, who was propounding questions to a row of Inmates.

"Can any Inmate give me a motto for M. Berger?" he said.

n.o.body responded for two or three minutes. At last one old man, whom I at once recognized as a Graduate of our University (Anno 1800) held up his hand.

"Rem _a cue_ tetigit."

"Go to the head of the cla.s.s, Josselyn," said the venerable patriarch.

The successful Inmate did as he was told, but in a very rough way, pus.h.i.+ng against two or three of the Cla.s.s.

"How is this?" said the Patriarch.

"You told me to go up _jostlin'_," he replied.

The old gentlemen who had been shoved about enjoyed the pun too much to be angry.