Colonization_ Aftershocks Part 10

Nesseref entered her shuttlecraft first, then called, "Come in. I have an acceleration couch shaped for a Tosevite."

"I thank you," Drucker said, and obeyed. The couch looked to be of American manufacture. He strapped himself in. Nesseref wasted no time in using her maneuvering jets to get free of the stars.h.i.+p. Drucker watched her work in silent fascination. At last, he broke the silence: "Your s.h.i.+p has far more in the way of computer-aided controls than the upper stage I flew."

"A good thing, too," the Lizard replied. "I think you Tosevites have to be addled to come up into s.p.a.ce in your inadequate machines."

"We used what we had," Drucker answered with a shrug. He spoke in the past tense: the Reich Reich would not be going into s.p.a.ce again any time soon. If the Race had its way-and that was all too likely-Germans would never go into s.p.a.ce again. He asked, "Now that I am returning to Tosev 3, where in Deutschland will you land me?" would not be going into s.p.a.ce again any time soon. If the Race had its way-and that was all too likely-Germans would never go into s.p.a.ce again. He asked, "Now that I am returning to Tosev 3, where in Deutschland will you land me?"

"By the city called Nuremberg," Nesseref answered. "Such are my orders."

"Nuremberg?" Drucker sighed. He'd been warned, but still... "That is in the far south of the land, and my home is in the north. Could you not have picked a closer shuttlecraft port?"

"There are no closer functioning shuttlecraft ports," Nesseref answered. "In fact, I am given to understand that that is at the moment the only functioning shuttlecraft port in the subregion. Had no one told you of this?"

"Well, yes," Johannes Drucker admitted unhappily. "But it still presents great difficulties for me. How am I to travel from Nuremberg to my home? Will the railroads be working? Will folk on the ground give me money to travel?"

"I know nothing of any of this." Nesseref's voice held nothing but indifference. "My orders are to put you on the ground at the shuttlecraft port outside Nuremberg. I shall obey them."

Obey them she did, with an efficiency that outdid anything merely Teutonic. A single neat burn took the shuttlecraft out of Earth orbit. After that, she hardly even had to adjust the machine's course. Another burn halted the shuttlecraft above the tarmac of the port and let its legs kiss the ground with hardly a jar.

Nesseref opened the hatch. The mild air of German summer mingled with the hot, dry stuff the Race preferred. "Get out," she told Drucker. "I do not want any more radioactive contamination than I can help getting."

"It shall be done." Drucker scrambled down the ladder and let himself drop to the soil of the Vaterland. Vaterland.

No one, Lizard or human, came across the tarmac to greet him. Now that he was here, he was on his own. He looked toward what had been the famous skyline of Nuremberg. No more: that skyline had been truncated, abridged. Some of the ma.s.sive buildings were simply gone, others were wreckage half as tall as they had been. He shook his head and let out a soft, sad whistle. No matter how harshly the Reich Reich had used him and his family, it was still his country. Seeing it brought low like this tore at him. had used him and his family, it was still his country. Seeing it brought low like this tore at him.

I shouldn't have bothered attacking that stars.h.i.+p, he thought. he thought. The war was already lost by then. I should have landed the upper stage of my A-45 in some neutral country-the USA, maybe England-and let myself be interned. The war was already lost by then. I should have landed the upper stage of my A-45 in some neutral country-the USA, maybe England-and let myself be interned.

Too late now. Too late for everything now. He'd expected to go out in a blaze of glory when he made the attack run on the Lizard s.h.i.+p. No such luck. Now he had to deal with the consequences of living longer than he'd thought he would.

He glanced around the tarmac again. No, n.o.body cared he was here. He didn't have ten pfennigs in his pocket: what point to taking money into s.p.a.ce? Where would he spend it? But he faced different questions here: how would he get along without it? Where would he find his next meal? If he did find a meal, how would he pay for it?

Where would he find his next meal? Somewhere to the north, that was all he knew. As the crow flew, Greifswald was about five hundred kilometers from Nuremberg. He wasn't a crow, and he didn't think he'd do much in the way of flying any time soon. He'd be walking, and likely walking a lot more than five hundred kilometers.

Who was it who'd said, A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step? A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step? Somebody Chinese, he thought. He took the first step on the way back toward Greifswald. Before long, he was off the tarmac of the shuttlecraft port. He soon discovered the Lizards had machine-gun and artillery and missile emplacements around it. None of the males-he presumed they were males, though he'd been wrong with the shuttlecraft pilot-paid him any attention. He was authorized to be there. He didn't care to think what would have happened if he hadn't been. Somebody Chinese, he thought. He took the first step on the way back toward Greifswald. Before long, he was off the tarmac of the shuttlecraft port. He soon discovered the Lizards had machine-gun and artillery and missile emplacements around it. None of the males-he presumed they were males, though he'd been wrong with the shuttlecraft pilot-paid him any attention. He was authorized to be there. He didn't care to think what would have happened if he hadn't been.

Before long, he came on a road leading northeast. He started tramping along it. That was the direction in which he wanted to go. Pretty soon, he'd either come to a village or farmhouse or he'd pa.s.s a stream or a pond. Any which way, he'd get himself a drink.

He wondered how much radioactivity he'd take in from the local water. For that matter, he wondered how much he was taking in every time he inhaled. However much it was, he couldn't do anything about it.

And he wondered why he saw no motor traffic on the road. He didn't need long to find the answer to that: the Lizards had cratered it with dozens of little bomblets. He remembered those weapons from the earlier round of fighting. He'd driven panzers then, and hadn't worried so much about roads. But wheeled vehicles couldn't go anywhere without them.

After a couple of kilometers, he came upon a gang filling in craters the bomblets had left behind. No bulldozers, no tractors, no powered equipment of any kind. Just men with shovels and picks and mattocks and crowbars, slowly and methodically getting rid of one hole after another. By their clothes, some were local farmers, others demobilized Wehrmacht Wehrmacht men still in grimy field-gray. It was hard to tell which group seemed more weary and dejected. men still in grimy field-gray. It was hard to tell which group seemed more weary and dejected.

A soldier picked up a bucket and raised it to his mouth. That was all Drucker needed to see. He waved and broke into a shambling trot and called, "Hey, can I have a swig out of that bucket?"

"Who the devil are you?" asked the fellow who'd just drunk. Water dribbled down his poorly shaved chin. He pointed. "And what kind of crazy getup is that?"

Drucker glanced down at his coveralls. The Reich Reich had had a thousand different dress and undress uniforms, almost as many as the Race had different styles of body paint. n.o.body could keep track of all of them. Drucker gave his name, adding, "Lieutenant colonel, had had a thousand different dress and undress uniforms, almost as many as the Race had different styles of body paint. n.o.body could keep track of all of them. Drucker gave his name, adding, "Lieutenant colonel, Reichs Reichs Rocket Force. I was captured out in s.p.a.ce; the Lizards just turned me loose. Tell you the truth, I'm trying to figure out what to do next." Rocket Force. I was captured out in s.p.a.ce; the Lizards just turned me loose. Tell you the truth, I'm trying to figure out what to do next."

"Rocket Force, huh?" The Wehrmacht Wehrmacht man paused to wipe his sweaty forehead on his sleeve. "Fat lot of good you b.u.g.g.e.rs did anybody." But he picked up the bucket and handed it to Drucker. The water was barely cool, but went down like dark beer. When Drucker set down the bucket, the fellow who'd given it to him asked, "So where are you headed, man paused to wipe his sweaty forehead on his sleeve. "Fat lot of good you b.u.g.g.e.rs did anybody." But he picked up the bucket and handed it to Drucker. The water was barely cool, but went down like dark beer. When Drucker set down the bucket, the fellow who'd given it to him asked, "So where are you headed, Herr Herr Rocket Man?" Rocket Man?"

"Greifswald," Drucker answered. He saw that meant nothing to anyone but him, so he made things plainer. "It's up near Peenemunde, by the Baltic."

"Ach, so." The demobilized soldier raised an eyebrow. "If it's up near Peenemunde, is anything left of it?"

"I don't know," Drucker said bleakly. "I've got-I had, anyway-a wife and three kids. I have to see if I can track them down."

"Good luck," said the fellow who'd given him water. He sounded as if he thought Drucker would need luck better than merely good. Drucker was afraid he thought the same thing. After a moment, the ex-soldier remarked, "h.e.l.l of a long way from the Baltic to here. How do you propose to get there?"

"Walk, if I have to," Drucker replied. "I'm getting an idea of what the roads are like. Are any trains running?"

"A few," the former Wehrmacht Wehrmacht man said. The rest of the laborers, who seemed happy to get a break, nodded. When he continued, "Not b.l.o.o.d.y many, though," they nodded again. He waved. "And you see what the highways are like. It's not just this one, either. They're all the same. The stinking Lizards paralyzed us. We've got people starving because there's no way to get food from here to there." man said. The rest of the laborers, who seemed happy to get a break, nodded. When he continued, "Not b.l.o.o.d.y many, though," they nodded again. He waved. "And you see what the highways are like. It's not just this one, either. They're all the same. The stinking Lizards paralyzed us. We've got people starving because there's no way to get food from here to there."

"And everything you can get costs ten times too much," another laborer added. "The Reichsmark isn't worth the paper it's printed on any more."

"Ouch." Drucker winced. "We went through that after the First World War. Do we have to do it again?"

The ex-soldier said, "If everybody's got money and there's nothing to buy, prices are going to go through the roof. That's life." He spat. "I'll worry about all that Scheisse Scheisse later, when I've got the time. Right now, I'm just glad I'm still breathing. A h.e.l.l of a lot of people in the later, when I've got the time. Right now, I'm just glad I'm still breathing. A h.e.l.l of a lot of people in the Reich Reich aren't." aren't."

"Hey, Karl," one of the other laborers said. Several men put their heads together and talked in voices too low for Drucker to make out what they were saying. They pa.s.sed something back and forth among themselves. He couldn't tell what they were doing there, either.

He was almost on the point of wondering whether he ought to turn and run like h.e.l.l when they broke apart. The former Wehrmacht Wehrmacht man-Karl-turned toward him and held out a moderately fat wad of banknotes. "Here you go, Colonel," he said. "This'll keep you eating for a couple-three days, anyhow." man-Karl-turned toward him and held out a moderately fat wad of banknotes. "Here you go, Colonel," he said. "This'll keep you eating for a couple-three days, anyhow."

"Thank you very much!" Drucker exclaimed. From what he could see, none of the laborers had enough to be able to spare much. But they knew he had nothing at all, and so they'd reached into their pockets. He nodded. "Thanks from the bottom of my heart."

"It's nothing," Karl said. "We all know what you're going through. We're all going through it, too-except for the ones who've been through it already. They're trying to come out the other side. Hope you make it up to Greifswald. Hope you find your family, too."

"Thanks," Drucker said again. And if he didn't find his family, he'd have to... to try to come out the other side, too. The phrase struck him as all too apt. With a last nod, he started walking again, heading north, heading home.

After the n.a.z.is occupied Poland, they'd built an enormous death factory at Treblinka. They'd been building an even bigger one outside Oswiecim-Auschwitz, they'd called it in German-when the Lizards came. Mordechai Anielewicz had longed for revenge against the tormentors of the Jews for a generation. Now he had it. And now, having it, he discovered the folly of such wishes.

He could go anywhere he chose in the much-reduced Greater German Reich. Reich. As a leader among the Polish Jews who'd fought side by side with the Lizards against the n.a.z.is in two wars now-and as a man who'd made sure his friends among the Lizards helped all they could-he had the backing of the Race. Before entering Germany, he'd got a doc.u.ment from the Race's authorities in Poland authorizing him to call on the males occupying the As a leader among the Polish Jews who'd fought side by side with the Lizards against the n.a.z.is in two wars now-and as a man who'd made sure his friends among the Lizards helped all they could-he had the backing of the Race. Before entering Germany, he'd got a doc.u.ment from the Race's authorities in Poland authorizing him to call on the males occupying the Reich Reich for a.s.sistance. He also had doc.u.ments in German, to overawe burgomeisters and other functionaries. for a.s.sistance. He also had doc.u.ments in German, to overawe burgomeisters and other functionaries.

What hadn't occurred to him was how few German functionaries were left to overawe. The Lizards had done a truly astonis.h.i.+ng job of pounding flat the part of Germany just west of Poland. He'd known that in the abstract. The Wehrmacht's Wehrmacht's a.s.sault on Poland had petered out not least because the Germans couldn't keep their invading army supplied. As he entered Germany, he saw exactly what that pounding had done. a.s.sault on Poland had petered out not least because the Germans couldn't keep their invading army supplied. As he entered Germany, he saw exactly what that pounding had done.

Kreuz, where Mordechai entered the Reich, Reich, had taken an explosive-metal bomb. The center of the city had simply ceased to be, except for one church spire and most of a factory chimney, which still reached toward the heavens like the skeletal fingers of a dead man. Fused, s.h.i.+ny gla.s.s gradually gave way to rubble outside the center of town. had taken an explosive-metal bomb. The center of the city had simply ceased to be, except for one church spire and most of a factory chimney, which still reached toward the heavens like the skeletal fingers of a dead man. Fused, s.h.i.+ny gla.s.s gradually gave way to rubble outside the center of town.

This is what the n.a.z.is did to Lodz, Anielewicz thought. Anielewicz thought. This is what they did to Warsaw, and to as many other cities as they could hit. This is what they did to Warsaw, and to as many other cities as they could hit. But they'd taken worse than they'd given: that was dreadfully clear. He asked a Lizard officer, "How many Deutsch cities did the Race bomb with explosive-metal weapons?" But they'd taken worse than they'd given: that was dreadfully clear. He asked a Lizard officer, "How many Deutsch cities did the Race bomb with explosive-metal weapons?"

"I do not know, not precisely," the male answered. "Many tens of them, without a doubt. Hundreds, very possibly. The Deutsche were stubborn. They should have yielded long before they did. They had no hope of defeating us, and merely inflicted more suffering on their own population by refusing to give up the futile fight."

Many tens. Hundreds, very possibly. The answer was horrifying enough to Mordechai when he first heard it. It became far more so when he got to the makes.h.i.+ft hospital on the far side of what had been Kreuz. Tents and shacks housed people maimed or blinded or horribly burned by the explosive-metal bomb. The handful of doctors and nurses and civilian volunteers were desperately overworked and had next to nothing with which to treat their patients. The answer was horrifying enough to Mordechai when he first heard it. It became far more so when he got to the makes.h.i.+ft hospital on the far side of what had been Kreuz. Tents and shacks housed people maimed or blinded or horribly burned by the explosive-metal bomb. The handful of doctors and nurses and civilian volunteers were desperately overworked and had next to nothing with which to treat their patients.

Mordechai multiplied that improvised hospital by tens, hundreds very possibly. He s.h.i.+vered, though the day was fine, even warm. What sort of miracle was it that any Germans survived at all?

A bespectacled doctor in a long, none too clean white coat came up to him. "You are a person of some influence with the Lizards," he stated, his voice brooking no argument. "You must be, to be clean and well fed and traveling so."

"What if I am?" Mordechai asked.

"You will try to obtain for us more medical supplies," the doctor said, again as if stating a law of nature. "You see what we lack."

Humility, Anielewicz thought. Aloud, he said, "You'd ask this of me even though I'm a Jew?" He let the German he had used slide into Yiddish. If the doctor- Anielewicz thought. Aloud, he said, "You'd ask this of me even though I'm a Jew?" He let the German he had used slide into Yiddish. If the doctor-the n.a.z.i doctor, he thought-couldn't follow, too bad. he thought-couldn't follow, too bad.

But the man only shrugged. "I would ask it if you were Satan himself," he answered. "I need these things. My patients need these things."

"You aren't the only ones who do," Anielewicz observed.

"That does not make my need any less urgent," the doctor said.

From his point of view, he might even have been right. Germans in torment suffered no less than Jews in torment. Anielewicz wished he could deny that. If he did, though, what would he be but the mirror image of a n.a.z.i? Roughly, he said, "I'll do what I can."

By the way the doctor looked at him, the man thought he was lying. But he spoke of the matter with the first Lizard officer he encountered, a couple of kilometers farther outside of Kreuz. The male responded, "I understand the physician's difficulties, but the number of injured Deutsche far outstrips our ability to provide all physicians with all required medicaments. We shall do what we can. It may not be much and it may not be timely, but we shall make the effort."

"I thank you," Mordechai answered. There, There, he told his conscience. he told his conscience. Relax. I've made the effort, too. Relax. I've made the effort, too.

Every time he went into a village, he asked about soldiers bringing Jews back into Germany from Poland. Most of the time, he got only blank stares by way of reply. A few people glared at him. n.a.z.i teachings had sunk deep. Those Germans eyed a Jew-maybe the first they'd ever seen in the flesh, surely the first they'd seen for years-as if he were were Satan incarnate. Satan incarnate.

More Germans, though, groveled before him. He needed a little while to realize that was a residue of n.a.z.i teachings, too. He had authority: therefore, he was to be obeyed. If he weren't obeyed, something dreadful would befall the villagers. They seemed convinced of it. At times, he wished it were true.

None of the Germans he questioned knew anything about his wife and sons and daughter. None of them had seen a beffel. He made a point of asking about Pancer; the alien pet might have stuck in people's minds where a few Jews wouldn't have registered. The logic was good, but he had no luck with it.

He pedaled into a little town called Arnswalde as the sun was setting for the brief summer night of northern Germany. With the beating the Reichsmark had taken since the n.a.z.is surrendered, the Polish zlotys in his wallet seemed good as gold-better. He got himself an excellent roast duck, an enormous mound of red cabbage, and all the fine lager he could drink for the price of a couple of apples back in Poland.

The fellow who served him the feast was one of those who fawned on the occupiers. "Take the leftovers with you, sir," he said. "They'll make you a fine breakfast, see if they don't."

"All right, I will. Thanks," Mordechai said. "Do you have enough for yourself here, though?"

"Ach, ja," the German answered with a chuckle that might have been jolly or might have been nervous. "When did you ever hear of a tavern keeper who starved to death?" the German answered with a chuckle that might have been jolly or might have been nervous. "When did you ever hear of a tavern keeper who starved to death?"

He didn't look as if he were in any imminent danger of starving (he looked plump, as a matter of fact), so Anielewicz took the duck and some cabbage without a qualm. He even let the tavern keeper give him an old, beat-up pot in which to carry them. Either the man was generous by nature or he was a fool or the zloty was worth even more than Mordechai had thought.

Twilight lay over Arnswalde when he came out of the tavern. He'd just climbed onto his bicycle when a young blond woman walked up to him. Pointing to the pot, she came straight to the point: "You have food in there?"

"Yes," he said, eyeing her. Not too long before, she'd probably been very pretty-a perfect Aryan princess, he thought. Now her hair was tangled and matted, her face and legs-she was wearing a short skirt, so he could see quite a lot of them-scrawny rather than pleasantly rounded. His nose wrinkled. She hadn't bathed in a long time. he thought. Now her hair was tangled and matted, her face and legs-she was wearing a short skirt, so he could see quite a lot of them-scrawny rather than pleasantly rounded. His nose wrinkled. She hadn't bathed in a long time.

Again, she didn't beat around the bush, saying, "Feed me and you can have me."

"Here." He gave her the pot. "Take it. I don't want you, not for that. I'm looking for my wife and children."

She s.n.a.t.c.hed the pot out of his hands as if afraid he would change his mind. "Thank you," she said. "You're one of the decent ones. There are a few, but only a few, believe me." She turned her head in the direction of the tavern and spat. "Not him-he takes it all out in trade, believe me."

Mordechai sighed. Somehow, that didn't surprise him. The German girl, after all, had no zlotys to pay for roast duck.

She said, "Who are your people? Maybe I know them."

"I doubt it." His voice was dry. "They're Jews. The Wehrmacht Wehrmacht would have brought them back from Widawa, in Poland. A woman my age, a girl, two boys-and a beffel, if you know what a beffel is. One of the Lizards' pets." would have brought them back from Widawa, in Poland. A woman my age, a girl, two boys-and a beffel, if you know what a beffel is. One of the Lizards' pets."

She shook her head. "Jews," she said in tones of wonder. "I thought there weren't any Jews any more. I thought they were-what's the word I want?-extinct, that's it."

In Germany, in all the Greater German Reich, Reich, Jews were extinct, or close enough. "You're talking to one," Mordechai said, not without a certain sour pride. Jews were extinct, or close enough. "You're talking to one," Mordechai said, not without a certain sour pride.

"How funny." The German girl's laugh was hard. "If you had screwed me, then I'd've got in trouble for sleeping with a Jew."

"Maybe," Anielewicz said. "Maybe not, too. The rules are liable to change now, you know." He wondered if they would, if the Lizards would try to enforce tolerance on the Reich. Reich. He wondered if it mattered, one way or the other. The people-the peoples-the Germans would have had to learn to tolerate were dead now... extinct, as the girl had said. He wondered if it mattered, one way or the other. The people-the peoples-the Germans would have had to learn to tolerate were dead now... extinct, as the girl had said.

"Who would have thought a Jew could be decent?" she murmured, more than half to herself. She'd learned what her teachers taught, all right.

"What would you say if I said, 'Who would have thought a German could be decent?' " Mordechai didn't know why he bothered. Maybe because he thought she might be reached. Maybe just because, despite dirt and hunger-induced leanness, she was a pretty girl, and part of him, the eternally optimistic male part, wouldn't have minded sleeping with her at all.

She frowned. She knew he was trying to tell her something important, but she couldn't for the life of her figure out what. "But Germans, Germans are are decent," she said, as if stating a law of nature. decent," she said, as if stating a law of nature.

All at once, Anielewicz wanted to s.n.a.t.c.h back the pot full of duck and cabbage. The only reason he didn't was that it would have confirmed her in all the worst things she thought about Jews. Germans could always see when they were being maligned, but rarely noticed when they were maligning anyone else.

The girl could have no idea what was going through his mind. She said, "If you're looking for people, the army kept falling back to the northwest during the fighting. If they had people along with them, that's where those people would have gone."

"Thanks," Anielewicz said. She was trying to be decent, anyhow. "I guess I'll go in that direction, then."

"I hope you find them," she said. Mordechai nodded. Maybe she could be reached. Maybe she had been reached, a little. She went on, "You can sleep in my bed tonight, if you want to. I mean, do nothing but sleep."

He smiled. "I don't think I'd better. If I tried, I would want to do something besides sleeping." She smiled, too; she took it for a compliment, as he'd hoped she would. And he hadn't even been lying. With a nod, he got the bicycle rolling and started off toward the northwest, to see what he might find.

Ka.s.squit had known this moment would come. She'd been aware of it ever since the shuttlecraft ferried Jonathan Yeager up to her stars.h.i.+p. Sooner or later, he would go back to the surface of Tosev 3. It had turned out to be later, because the fighting that broke out with the Deutsche made it unsafe for him to go home. Now, though, the time for his return was here. Ka.s.squit had known it would come, yes, but she'd never imagined how much it would hurt.

"If the war had not come," she said as he methodically packed his wrappings and other belongings into the satchel in which he'd brought them, "if the war had not come, I say, you would have been gone much sooner. That might have proved a good thing, for I do not think I would have missed you so much after a briefer acquaintance."

"Me?" Jonathan Yeager's expression indicated amus.e.m.e.nt or friends.h.i.+p or pleasure-maybe some of all three. "Superior female, I am nothing but a wild Big Ugly. How many times did you say so yourself when you were getting to know me?"

He spoke the language of the Race much more fluently than he had when he first came up to the stars.h.i.+p. With improved fluency came an ironic slant on the world that reminded Ka.s.squit of the electronic messages his father had posted while pretending to be a male of the Race. Could such things be inherited? Ka.s.squit did not think so, but she knew how ignorant she was of Tosevite genetics.

In any case, such matters were far from the most urgent things on her mind. She clung to Jonathan Yeager, saying, "Do not make yourself less than you are. You are the most exciting thing that ever happened to me." She used an emphatic cough, not that she really needed one. He knew how she felt.

His arms went around her. He stroked her. She had never imagined how stimulating the touch of another could be. Of course, no male of the Race had ever touched her intending to arouse her. But she relished Jonathan Yeager's touch even when he wasn't particularly intending to arouse her.

"I cannot stay here," he said now. "You know I cannot. Your place is here; my place is down on the surface of Tosev 3. One day, if you can safely arrange it, you shall have to visit me."

Ttomalss would not approve. Ka.s.squit knew as much. He would cite concern about disease. He would even be sincere. But he would also be afraid to let her go because he would fear the influence of wild Big Uglies on her. And he would not admit that if she subjected him to torment.

Jonathan Yeager was subjecting her to torment by going. Tears slid from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. He turned away. That wasn't disgust, as it would have been from a male of the Race. Ka.s.squit had learned as much. It was embarra.s.sment. Jonathan Yeager was emotionally vulnerable to tears to a degree she found amazing.

She said, "Before you came here, I did not realize what an important part of my personality had not fully developed. Because I did not realize that, I did not know what I was missing. Now that I do, the future looks much lonelier than it did before."