One-Act Plays Part 100

LITTLE MAN. No.

OFFICIAL. Gut. You are 'rested.

LITTLE MAN. I only took it for the poor woman. I'm not a thief--I'm--I'm--

OFFICIAL [_shaking head_]. Verstehe nicht. [_The LITTLE MAN tries to tear his hair. The disturbed BABY wails._]

LITTLE MAN [_dandling it as best he can_]. There, there--poor, poor!

OFFICIAL. Halt still! You are 'rested. It is all right.

LITTLE MAN. Where is the mother?

OFFICIAL. She comm by next drain. Das telegram say: Halt einen Herrn mit schwarzem Buben and schwarzem Gepack. 'Rest gentleman mit black baby und black--pag. [_The LITTLE MAN turns up his eyes to heaven._]

OFFICIAL. Komm mit us. [_They take the LITTLE MAN toward the door from which they have come. A voice stops them._]

AMERICAN [_speaking from as far away as may be_]. Just a moment! [_The OFFICIAL stops; the LITTLE MAN also stops and sits down on a bench against the wall. The POLICEMAN stands stolidly beside him. The AMERICAN approaches a step or two, beckoning; the OFFICIAL goes up to him._]

AMERICAN. Guess you've got an angel from heaven there! What's the gentleman in b.u.t.tons for?

OFFICIAL. Was ist das?

AMERICAN. Is there anybody here that can understand Amurrican?

OFFICIAL. Verstehe nicht.

AMERICAN. Well, just watch my gestures. I was saying [_he points to the LITTLE MAN, then makes gestures of flying_], you have an angel from heaven there. You have there a man in whom Gawd [_he points upward_] takes quite an amount of stock. This is a vurry precious man.

You have no call to arrest him [_he makes the gesture of arrest_]. No, sir. Providence has acted pretty mean, loading off that baby on him [_he makes the motion of dandling_]. The little man has a heart of gold. [_He points to his heart, and takes out a gold coin._]

OFFICIAL [_thinking he is about to be bribed_]. Aber, das ist _zu_ viel!

AMERICAN. Now, don't rattle me! [_Pointing to the LITTLE MAN._] Man [_pointing to his heart_] Herz [_pointing to the coin_] von Gold. This is a flower of the field--he don't want no gentleman in b.u.t.tons to pluck him up. [_A little crowd is gathering, including the two ENGLISH, the GERMAN, and the DUTCH YOUTH._]

OFFICIAL. Verstehe absolut nichts. [_He taps the telegram._] Ich muss mein duty do.

AMERICAN. But I'm telling you. This is a good man. This is probably the best man on Gawd's airth.

OFFICIAL. Das macht nichts--gut or no gut, I muss mein duty do. [_He turns to go toward the LITTLE MAN._]

AMERICAN. Oh! Vurry well, arrest him; do your duty. This baby has typhus. [_At the word "typhus" the OFFICIAL stops._]

AMERICAN [_making gestures_]. First-cla.s.s typhus, black typhus, schwarzen typhus. Now you have it. I'm kind o' sorry for you and the gentleman in b.u.t.tons. Do your duty!

OFFICIAL. Typhus? Der Bub'--die baby hat typhus?

AMERICAN. I'm telling you.

OFFICIAL. Gott im Himmel!

AMERICAN [_spotting the GERMAN in the little throng_]. Here's a gentleman will corroborate me.

OFFICIAL [_much disturbed, and signing to the POLICEMAN to stand clear_]. Typhus! Aber das ist gra.s.slich!

AMERICAN. I kind o' thought you'd feel like that.

OFFICIAL. Die Sanitatsmachine! Gleich! [_A PORTER goes to get it. From either side the broken half-moon of persons stand gazing at the LITTLE MAN, who sits unhappily dandling the BABY in the center._]

OFFICIAL [_raising his hands_]. Was zu thun?

AMERICAN. Guess you'd better isolate the baby. [_A silence, during which the LITTLE MAN is heard faintly whistling and clucking to the BABY._]

OFFICIAL [_referring once more to his telegram_]. 'Rest gentleman mit black baby. [_Shaking his head._] Wir must de gentleman hold. [_To the GERMAN._] Bitte, mein Herr, sagen Sie ihm, den Buben zu niedersetzen.

[_He makes the gesture of deposit._]

GERMAN [_to the LITTLE MAN_]. He say: Put down the baby. [_The LITTLE MAN shakes his head, and continues to dandle the BABY._]

OFFICIAL. Sie mussen--you must. [_The LITTLE MAN glowers, in silence._]

ENGLISHMAN [_in background--muttering_]. Good man!

GERMAN. His spirit ever denies; er will nicht.

OFFICIAL [_again making his gesture_]. Aber er muss! [_The LITTLE MAN makes a face at him._] Sag' ihm: Instantly put down baby, and komm'

mit us. [_The BABY wails._]

LITTLE MAN. Leave the poor ill baby here alone? Be-be-be-d--d first!

AMERICAN [_jumping onto a trunk--with enthusiasm_]. Bully! [_The ENGLISH clap their hands; the DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL is muttering, greatly incensed._]

AMERICAN. What does that body-s.n.a.t.c.her say?

GERMAN. He say this man use the baby to save himself from arrest. Very smart--he say.

AMERICAN. I judge you do him an injustice. [_Showing off the LITTLE MAN with a sweep of his arm._] This is a vurry white man. He's got a black baby, and he won't leave it in the lurch. Guess we would all act n.o.ble, that way, give us the chance. [_The LITTLE MAN rises, holding out the BABY, and advances a step or two. The half-moon at once gives, increasing its size; the AMERICAN climbs onto a higher trunk. The LITTLE MAN retires and again sits down._]

AMERICAN [_addressing the OFFICIAL_]. Guess you'd better go out of business and wait for the mother.

OFFICIAL [_stamping his foot_]. Die Mutter sall 'rested be for taking out baby mit typhus. Ha! [_To the LITTLE MAN._] Put ze baby down!

[_The LITTLE MAN smiles._] Do you 'ear?

AMERICAN [_addressing the OFFICIAL_]. Now, see here. 'Pears to me you don't suspicion just how beautiful this is. Here we have a man giving his life for that old baby that's got no claim on him. This is not a baby of his own making. No, sir, this a vurry Christ-like proposition in the gentleman.

OFFICIAL. Put ze baby down, or ich will gommand someone it to do.

AMERICAN. That will be vurry interesting to watch.

OFFICIAL [_to POLICEMAN_]. Nehmen Sie den Buben. Dake it vrom him.

[_The POLICEMAN mutters, but does not._]