Boy - The Boy Next Door Part 3

Love you, Tony

To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Another one

Look, Tony's uncle Gio is throwing us an engagement party (yes, another one) and I'm telling you right now, YOU HAVE GOT TO COME. Seriously, Mel, I don't think I can handle another round of Salernos without you. You know what they're like.

And this one has a pool. You know they're going to throw me in. You just know it.

Say you'll come and keep me from being humiliated. PLEASE.

Nad :-O

PS And don't you be giving me that d.a.m.ned DOG excuse again.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: I can't

You know I can't go. How am I supposed to go all the way out to Long Island when I have Paco to think of? You know he has to go out every four to five hours. I am wearing out my Steve Madden's as it is running back and forth between the office and my apartment building, trying to get there in time to take him out. There's no way I can go all the way out to Long Island. The poor thing might explode.

Mel PS Vivica--you know, the supermodel, and Donald Trump's latest arm candy--has dumped him! Seriously! She's dumped the Donald! He is said to be devastated, and she's gone into hiding. Poor things. I really thought that one was going to work out.

To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Paco

Okay, this is ridiculous. Mel, you cannot put your life on hold just because your next door neighbor happens to be in a coma. Seriously. There must be someone in the woman's family who can look after that stupid dog. Why do YOU have to do it? You've done enough, for G.o.d's sake. I mean, you probably saved her life. Let someone else handle Paco and his digestive schedule. I mean it. I am not getting into that pool on my own. If you don't find this woman's next of kin, I will.

Nad :( PS Excuse me, I understand your concern for Winona, but the Donald? And Vivica, the Victoria's Secret water-bra girl? They'll be fine. Trust me.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Paco It's easy for you to say let someone else handle Paco. My question would be WHO? Mrs. Friedlander's only living relative is her nephew Max, and not even the cops have been able to find him to tell him what happened to her. I know he lives somewhere in the city, but his phone number's unlisted. Apparently, he's some up-and-coming photographer with pictures in the Whitney, or something. At least, according to his aunt. And quite popular with the ladies....ergo, the unlisted number, I a.s.sume so the ladies husbands can't track him down. And of course, his aunt doesn't have his number written down anywhere because she undoubtedly had it memorized. In any case, what can I do? I can't put the poor thing in a kennel. He's already freaked out enough about his owner being...well, you know. How can I leave him locked up in some cage somewhere? Seriously, Nadine, if you saw his eyes, you wouldn't be able to do it, either. He is the sweetest thing I've ever seen, and that includes all my nieces and nephews. If only he were a man. I'd marry him. I swear it.

Mel To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: What do you mean you're not going?

Nadine, you HAVE to go. The party is for YOU. Well, you and me. You can't not go.

And don't give me any of that bull about how you don't want anybody in my family to see you in a swimsuit. How many times do I have to tell you that you are the hottest girl in the world? Do you think I care what size you wear? You have it going on, girl.

Only you should wear those thongs I bought you more often.

I don't understand what difference it makes whether or not Mel goes. Why do women always have to do things together? It doesn't make any sense.

Besides, if you feel that strongly about it, just tell them you have an ear infection and can't get in the water. Jeez. I don't get you dames. I really don't.

T.

To: Mel Fuller

cc: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Your Little Problem Darlings:

I couldn't help but overhear your little tete-a-tete in the Ladies just now. I was otherwise occupied, or I would have joined in (we really ought to talk to someone about how narrow those stalls are. Fortunately, Jimmy--you know, the new fax boy--is quite surprisingly flexible, or we never would have managed ;-) First of all, Mel, sweetheart, Max Friedlander did not have just any old picture in the Whitney--which you would know, if you ever ventured out of Blockbuster long enough to take in some real culture. He had a stunning self-portrait on display there for the Biennial, in which he was sans apparel. If you ask me, the man's a photographic genius. Though that may not be where his true talent lies, judging by that photo...if you get my drift. And I'm sure you do. Anyway, he has, for reasons unfathomable to me, chosen to cheapen his gift by prost.i.tuting himself out for photo shoots such as, just as an example, last Winter's Sports Ill.u.s.trated swimsuit issue. And he just finished up the Victoria's Secret Christmas catalog, I believe. All you have to do, children, is contact those so-called publications, and I'm sure they'll know how to get a message to him. Well, ta for now.

Dolly x.x.xOOO PS Oh, Mel, about Aaron. Look, can't you throw him a bone? He's no good to me like this. And all that Wagner is giving me a migraine.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Max Friedlander Listen, thanks to Dolly, I think I've finally managed to track down Max Friedlander!

At least, no one seems to have his number, but I've got an email address. Help me draft a note to him. You know I don't do well with groveling.

Mel To: Max Friedlander

Subject: Your aunt Dear Mr. Friedlander, I hope you get this. You are probably not aware that the police have been trying to reach you for several days now. I am sorry to inform you that your aunt, Helen Friedlander, has been seriously injured. She has been the victim of an alleged a.s.sault in her apartment.

She is currently listed in critical condition at Beth Israel Hospital here in New York.

Unfortunately, she is in a coma, and the doctors have no way of knowing if she will ever come out of it.

Please, Mr. Friedlander, if you get this message, call me as soon as possible on my cell phone, 917-555-2123, or if you are unable to get to a phone, please feel free to email me.

We need to discuss how you think your aunt would best like her pets cared for while she is in the hospital.

I know this is the last thing you need to be worried about right now, considering how grave your aunt's condition is, but I can't imagine that, being the great animal lover she is, your aunt didn't have some sort of proviso arranged for just this sort of circ.u.mstance.

I am her next door neighbor ( in apartment 15B), and I have been walking Paco and taking care of your aunt's cats, but I'm afraid that my schedule does not allow for full-time petcare. Taking care of Paco is beginning to effect my job performance.

Please contact me as soon as you can.

Melissa Fuller

To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: The Letter

I like it. Short but sweet. And it gets the point across.

Nad :) PS I think it's good you left out the part about all your tardies. No one in the real world cares about tardies. Just at OUR &$%^ work place does anyone keep track of how late we are.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: The Letter Yeah, but do you think he'll even get it? From what I can tell based on the people I'vetalked to so far, this Max Friedlander seems to be taking the role of playboy artiste tobrand new heights. In fact, I can't believe he's never hit Page Ten before!Plus it seems like hes always on the road. The guy was in Thailand on a shoot lastmonth, Hawaii last week, and this week, what do you know? n.o.body seems to have anyidea where he is. Oh, and it's no good trying his cell phone: According to SI, he lost it scuba diving in Belize. If he even gets this message, does he sound to you like the kind of guy who'll even do anything about it? I'm a little worried.And it's okay, I guess. I mean, I'm bonding with the cats (well, Mr. Peepers won't comeout from under the bed) and Paco's like my best friend now.But I've gotten five more of those tardy warnings from Human Resources. They areseriously going to put me on probation! But what can I do? Paco NEEDS a good hourlong walk in the morning. Still, if I have to ditch out of one more society function because I have to get home to walk that dog, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get fired. I completely missed the Sarah Jessica Parker thing the other night because Paco wouldn't go. I had to walk him for like an hour. George was furious, because the Chronicle got the scoop on us.Though what the Chronicle is doing, reporting on celeb gossip, I can't imagine. I alwaysthought they were too highbrow for that!

Mel

To: Tom Barrett From: Max Friedlander

Please deliver the following message to Vivica Chandler, who is staying in the Sopradilla Cottage.

Viv--

Do not--I repeat, DO NOT--accept any messages, telephone calls, faxes, emails, etc. for me from a woman named Melissa Fuller.

No, don't worry, she's not one of my exes. She's my aunt's next door neighbor.

Apparently, Helen took a tumble, and this Fuller woman is trying to get in touch with me about the stupid dog.

But we aren't going to let her ruin our little get away together, are we?

So don't even answer the door until I get there. I'm just finis.h.i.+ng up the Neve Campbell shoot, and then I'll be taking the red-eye out from LAX, so I ought to be there in time to watch the sunset with you, baby. Keep the champagne chilled for me.

Love ya, Max To: Max Friedlander

Subject: Message Dear Mr. Friedlander,

It is my pleasure to inform you that your message for Miss Chandler has been delivered.

If there is anything else we here at the Paradise Inn can do to make your stay an enjoyable one, please do not hesitate to let us know.

We look forward to your joining us tomorrow.

Sincerely, Tom Barrett Concierge Paradise Inn Key West, Florida

To: Mel Fuller From: Max Friedlander

Subject: My Aunt

Dear Ms. Fuller,

I am shocked. Deeply shocked and appalled to hear what has happened to my aunt Helen. She is, as I'm sure you know, my only living relative. I cannot thank you enough for the efforts you've gone to in order to contact me and let me know about this tragedy.

Although I am currently on a.s.signment in Africa--perhaps you've heard of the drought here in Ethiopia? I am doing a photo shoot for the Save the Children Fund--I will begin making preparations to return to New York at once. If my aunt should wake before I get there, please a.s.sure her that I am on my way.

And thank you again, Ms. Fuller. Everything they say about cold and unfeeling New Yorkers is obviously untrue in your case. G.o.d bless you.

Sincerely, Maxwell Friedlander

To: John Trent From: Max Friedlander

Subject: SOS

Dude. I'm in trouble. You've got to help me out. I'm serious. You don't know what's at stake here: I have a chance for an extended vacation with Vivica. Yeah, you read that right. Vivica. The supermodel. The one who just dumped Trump. The one in those ads for that new bra with the water pump. The one on the SI cover. Yeah. THAT one. But it's not going to work out, buddy, if you don't do me a little favor. Just one little favor. That's all I'm asking. And I know I don't have to remind you about that time I saved your you-know-what in Vegas. Remember? Spring Break, our senior year? I've never seen anybody drink as many pitchers of margaritas as you did that night. I'm telling you, man, you'd be paying alimony right now if it weren't for me. I SAVED you. And you swore to me the next day (by the pool, remember?) that if there was ever anything you could do for me, you'd do it. Well, today's the day. I'm calling it in. The Favor. c.r.a.p, they're making me put away my electronic devices for take-off. Write back, man. I gotta know if you can do this for me, or else I'm dead meat.

Max To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: Max Friedlander I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming, and just now, it arrived: A dispatch from Max Friedlander, demanding payback for a favor he did me our senior year in college. My G.o.d, that was ten years ago. The man has a mind like a sieve. He can't remember his own Social Security number, but this favor I owe him, he remembers. What did I ever do to deserve this?

You remember Max, don't you, Jase? He was my roommate senior year, the one I got my first apartment with when I moved to the city after college. That dive in h.e.l.l's Kitchen, where the guy got stabbed in the back the first night we were there--remember? It was in the papers the next day...I think that's what led to my deciding to become a crime reporter, as a matter of fact.

Remember how Mim offered to get me out of the lease so I could move in with her and live, to quote Mim, like a human being? G.o.d, after two months of living with Max, I almost took her up on it. It's like the guy still thought we were in college--half of Manhattan used to show up in our living room for Monday night football every week. No hard feelings when I moved out, though. He still calls me every few months to catch up. And now this.

G.o.d only knows what Max wants me to do for him. Rescue a raftful of refugee Cuban ballerinas, I suppose. Or house the Australian rugby team. Or loan him the $50,000 he owes to the Russian mob. I am seriously considering leaving the country, Jase. Do you think Mim would let me have the Lear for the weekend?

John To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: Max Friedlander I hesitate to ask, of course, but as your big brother, I feel I have a right to know: What, precisely, did Max Friedlander do for you that left you owing him this enormous debt?

Jason PS Stacy says when are you coming to visit? The kids have been asking about you. Brittany's riding post, and Haley won best jumper at last week's exhibit.

PPS No go on the Lear. Julia's using it.

To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: Max Friedlander Her name was Heidi. She was a showgirl. She had feathers in her hair, and a dress cutdown there. Okay, not really. But her name was Heidi, and she was a showgirl. And apparently, I was determined to make her the first Mrs. John Trent.You wouldn't understand, of course, having never done anything even slightlydisreputable in all of your thirty-five years, but try, Jason, to put yourself in my shoes:It was Spring Break. I was twenty-two. I was in love. I'd had way too many margaritas.Max dragged me out of the Wedding Chapel, sent Heidi home, took away my keys so Icouldn't follow her, sobered me up, and put me to bed. I still think of her sometimes. She had red hair, and slightly bucked teeth. She was adorable. But not worth THIS.

John PS Congratulate Haley and Brittany for me. Are you going out to the Vineyard this weekend? I could meet you all there. Depending on whatever this favor of Max's turns out to be.